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    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #1

    Aug 31, 2011, 06:22 PM
    Why did I have sex with a straight guy?
    I had a friend - let's call him Nick because that is his name. I've known Nick for about 4 years. He's a former Marine and hasn't had the greatest of lives. We have been hanging out doing stuff for several months. Honestly I liked being his friend and getting to know him.

    We usually hang out with some other guys then just he and I go out afterwards. A few Thursdays ago he took my keys and wouldn't let me drive home. So he drives us to his place - he lives with a relative. Nick also does some illegal drugs which he was doing that evening.

    When we got to his relatives house, we went into a bedroom and watched SportCenter. He did some more drugs. After that he took off his shirt. After the shirt he pulled his shorts done and wanted to be serviced. I didn't expect this at all. But I was drunk. That service turned into a whole night of sex. After that I fell asleep on that bed and Nick went to his bedroom.

    After his relative left that next morning, Nick came into my bedroom, off came the shorts, and round two began. After that I did the walk of shame and we haven't talked since. I have texted him twice and had no response.

    Here is my issue. I liked his friendship and really to me friendship is more important to me than any relationship. I am over relationships for now. By the way I am in my early 40s and Nick is in his mid 30s. I didn't ask for sex, I am mad at Nick, and I can't believe I've probably lost a friend. That is not what I wanted to happen. I didn't start the sex, I didn't restart the sex, but I am the bad guy because Nick won't talk to me. Damn you Nick, why did you have to kiss me?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #2

    Aug 31, 2011, 06:48 PM
    I didn't ask for sex, I am mad at Nick, and I can't believe I've probably lost a friend. That is not what I wanted to happen. I didn't start the sex, I didn't restart the sex,
    Did you say no? Were you raped? Because if you consented to the sex, you really can't blame Nick.

    I didn't restart the sex, but I am the bad guy because Nick won't talk to me.
    You're not a bad guy. Nick is bi, but obviously he hasn't admitted it to himself or anyone else. Or he's gay and he hasn't come out. No straight guy, no matter how high or drunk, will have gay sex. I think all straight men would agree on that.

    You both had a drunken stupid night. The only difference between you and Nick is that you're out, he isn't. He can't talk to you without admitting that he's either bi or gay, and he's not ready to do that.

    Give him time.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #3

    Sep 1, 2011, 07:18 PM
    He didn't show up at cards tonight which I didn't expect him to. After all he's not gay, pppppfffftttttt. How do you ladies deal with men? They are the worst.

    Amd honestly Nick if any of our buds read this, what do I care. I could say a whole lot more about this that would give it away. And then your little "Im not gay" thing finally wouldn't be believed. I honestly don't like you as a person anymore.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #4

    Sep 1, 2011, 07:30 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver2011 View Post
    He didnt show up at cards tonight which I didn't expect him to. After all he's not gay, pppppfffftttttt. How do you ladies deal with men? They are the worst.

    Amd honestly Nick if any of our buds read this, what do I care. I could say a whole lot more about this that would give it away. And then your little "Im not gay" thing finally wouldn't be believed. I honestly don't like you as a person anymore.
    LOL! Men aren't that bad, when they're honest with themselves and with you. :)

    You've accepted who you are. I'm sure it wasn't instant. I'm sure you didn't one day realize you're gay and instantly spring out of the closet pronouncing it to the world. I'm sure you, like most gay people I know, had a hard time coming out. If I'm wrong, sorry. I'm just going by what my gay friends have told me.

    The thing is, Nick isn't ready to come out. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that Nick isn't even ready to admit it to himself. He's not a teenager. He's probably been struggling with these feelings for a long time, and for some reason he's stomped on them, and not allowed himself to be who he is.

    Instead of being mad at him, pity him. You know who you are, and you're proud to be who you are. You're free. He isn't. In fact, I'm sure he hates himself a lot all because he's hiding his true feelings. He's trapped all because he can't allow himself to be who he really is.

    That's a really sad way to live your life.
    Ceeee's Avatar
    Ceeee Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Sep 17, 2011, 12:19 AM
    It happened also to me and the my guy friend barely does the talking. After doing that he changed, he barely talks and sent me messages. So what I did, I gave him a silent treatment. After all he's the one who asked for sex and I shouldn't be blamed of the consequences why he's having that attitude on the way he's treating me after the incident.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #6

    Sep 17, 2011, 08:20 PM
    Honestly I can believe that. Nick showed up at cards the other night. He sais "Hello Bradley" without even thinking. I walked out the door and left. I didn't know he was going to be there. Men are the worst.
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    Ceeee Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    Sep 17, 2011, 09:49 PM
    And my guy are not talking anymore like the usual stuff, we are exchanging text messages once in while but we haven't seen each other after the incident. I think you should give him a silent treatment until he fully realized your worth to him as a person. Goodluck to you mate :)
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #8

    Sep 18, 2011, 06:53 AM
    Oliver, what do you want? The friendship, acknowledgment that he had sex with you or a romantic relationship?

    You want someone who is self-medicating (using illegal drugs) to react in a rational way. I don't think Nick is rational. From what little you have said about him as a person, I see someone who has needs he is trying to run away from and who seems to be afraid of reaching out for human contact especially when sober.

    What happened between you at least started when he was high. How high/drunk were you? You don't say if you were drinking or using. How much did you encourage because it was what you wanted at the time? Were you really as reluctant as you want to remember or as he may have perceived?

    You accuse him of treating you like the bad guy, but you are doing the same to him. You are reacting out of your own needs and desires for validation of what occurred. It's human. His 'hiding' is human, too. He may be afraid of what happened, at what it says about the emotional and mental state he is in.

    How do you perceive that night? You talk about 'taking the walk of shame' the next day. It says to me that you knew things weren't going to be the same and you both were conflicted/confused over what happened. You seem to have almost immediately decided you needed your feelings/participation validated by him communicating with you on your terms. When he didn't, you got upset that he didn't respond to your attempts at contacting him. I don't know what your messages said, but I can't help wondering if they devolved into possible threats. I look at how you have 'talked' to him on here. On this site you seem to want to 'out him' to get what you want-him to admit what happened.

    Do you recognize he has needs that might clash with your own? That his time table may not be synced with yours. That he may need time to work through his own thoughts, needs, actions, etc.

    Look at your own actions at this last card game, because he hadn't contacted you the way you wanted him to, when he did say something to you, you walked out while ignoring him. You 'think' he said it without thinking but he could have been reaching out in a way he felt comfortable. You had chance to begin rebuilding, but you walked away and put the blame on him. Is tit-for-tat any better than not communicating?
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    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,303, Reputation: 7691
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    #9

    Sep 18, 2011, 08:04 PM
    If he was wanting both drunk and morning sober to have sex with you, he is not straight, he may be bi or a closet gay hiding it,

    But real straight men would not even consider sex with men,
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #10

    Sep 19, 2011, 06:02 AM
    Ceeeee – I agree on the silent treatment. He can contact me next.

    Cat – I was drunk that night – that is why I ended up at his place. He had my car keys and wouldn't let me have them. I don't use drugs at all. I knew Nick smoked pot but didn't know he used the hard stuff too.

    This weekend was a disaster to say the least. That was the first time I've seen him since that night. I told the host outside that I needed to leave and please don't ask me any questions about it. This upset everyone since everyone loves for me to be there. I am the life of the party and keep everyone entertained. Btw I am not out in the least bit either. I got text all night and into the next day about what happened. Through this weekend everyone has pretty much decided that Nick is the cause of all of it. Someone told me at the game that Nick said I must be mad at him because he doesn't respond to any of my texts anymore.

    Obviously the results of my walking out of the poker game brought more attention on the issue than I wanted. Everyone was hitting me up with questions all weekend long and my response was that I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't plan to walk out but I also didn't plan to see him there. I was not my fun loving self all weekend and people knew something was wrong. I saw Nick again the next day at the place where all of us hang out. He avoided me and I did the same as well.

    What do I want from Nick? I don't want a relationship, that is for sure. I pride myself on the company I keep and will never have a relationship with a person hooked on drugs and whatever else. I would like a friendship but that doesn't seem possible at this point. I am a very good friend and I would never let anything come between my friends and me. Especially not a night of all night passion. Nick cannot use drugs as an excuse because when he woke me up the next morning he wanted some more fun. I would like Nick to acknowledge it happened and be responsible since he initiated the whole thing. I was not planning to have sex with him or let sex ruin our friendship. I never would have had sex with him if I knew this result.

    The “walk of shame” comment comes from Terrence the only true love of my life. I didn't know love before Terrence and haven't known it since. He told me a story once about his walk of shame and I thought it was a funny term so I use it when applicable.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #11

    Sep 20, 2011, 05:43 AM
    I am assuming you are a guy. Nick obviously isn't a "straight" guy. Straight guys don't have sex with other guys no matter how drunk or stoned/high they are.

    He is either gay or bi... and just doesn't want to admit it. But straight is one thing he isn't.

    Besides... if this isn't a perfect example of why to avoid drug users, then I don't know what is.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #12

    Sep 20, 2011, 06:46 AM
    Tell me something, why are you allowing Nick's behavior to affect your life?

    If all you want from him is friendship, then act like you normally do and move forward with your life. Why let Nick act like an anchor keeping you from enjoying your life?

    I'll be honest. I don't think Nick matters at all. I think he is a convenient target for how upset you are at yourself. If you had been sober (or less inebriated), would you have gone home with Nick if he asked? Would you have said 'no' instead of allowing sex to occur?

    I think there is more truth in the 'shame' comment than you may be wanting to face. The thing is I don't see where you should feel shame or guilt or any other negative emotions about what happened. I do think you may want to be more aware of your alcohol consumption, but then a lot of people should.

    I do think you need to be comfortable with who you are. I can't help but wonder if the 'life of the party' is a mask. If you take the mask off, who is underneath? I think it is probably a great guy who may be bit more lonely than he has admitted to himself and that is why the Nick encounter is affecting him as much as it is.

    What do you think?
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #13

    Sep 20, 2011, 09:22 AM
    I don't usually. I am the master when it comes to not allowing the actions of others to impact your own mood and feelings. I have actually counseled people on this before as well. But this particular case is a little different than what I had become used to. First I really liked being friends with Nick. It was a fun friendship. Second was when it happened he was all I thought about. When days turned into weeks him just using me for sex was all I thought about and I was not happy with him or me at that point.

    I am not ashamed of what happened in the least bit. I have a regular physical relationship with someone – don't even get me started on that topic. He also knows Nick and knows what happened as well. Last Thursday I was just caught off guard seeing Nick the first time since and probably could have handled it better to bring less attention to Nick and I. But what's done is done. As far as going home with him, he had my keys. I really didn't have a choice although I do believe this was planned.

    Generally speaking I am comfortable with me, myself, and I. I've always been a happy go lucky person that for some reason people see me as loads of fun. This is one of life's bumps in the road that I will get through because tomorrow is another day. I know I will continue to see Nick and maybe we can work on the friendship but that will take communication on his part. Men are just difficult and don't deal with their feelings well. I am just shocked somewhat that someone would allow sex to ruin a good friendship. It is so stupid. Dang I wish Nick would read all this.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #14

    Sep 20, 2011, 10:20 AM
    Oliver, this is just to clarify a point. There is a difference between a physical relationship and an emotional one. A person can be surrounded by people and still feel alone or lonely.

    It isn't uncommon for someone in a 'friends with benefits' relationship to post about wanting 'more' in terms of an emotional bond.

    It's something for you to think about as you work through the events and issues.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #15

    Sep 20, 2011, 10:53 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver2011 View Post
    I am just shocked somewhat that someone would allow sex to ruin a good friendship.
    This happens all too often in all types of relationships... gay straight and bi. All it takes is for one party to want more or less than the other wants and bingo... you have this awkward situation. Happens with guys... and it happens with women both.

    You have to be able to deal with it whenever it happens. Its usually awkward, and rarely simple. And to my knowledge... most people deal with it poorly. At least with the benefit of hindsight. By that I mean... someone ends up upset or angry. I'd like to see both parties walking away without any hurt feelings if possible.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #16

    Sep 20, 2011, 12:40 PM
    Cat – Agreed on the difference and sometime the physical one can be more complicated. I actually shouldn't have told the physical one about the night with Nick because that didn't go over well. Not that there could ever be more between he and I although we do love each other very much. There are just too many big factors why we don't take it further. I have never posted to one of these boards and was struggling coming to terms with Nick's behavior. But as time passes I am much calmer about it even though Thursday night happened.

    Smoothy – that doesn't make it right. I am all about friendships and mine are spectacular for the most part. I wouldn't let anything including sex come between a friend of mine and me. The last text I sent Nick was “I would never have done anything if I knew the outcome beforehand.”
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #17

    Sep 21, 2011, 05:04 AM
    Oliver2011, I never said it makes it right... but that's just they way it is... "right" or "wrong" in this case depends on exactly where you are standing at the moment. Its hard to actually put into words, but in time you will find yourself in the shoes of the person that realizes they don't want to be around after that sexual adventure with the other person wanting far more than you.

    It's a very delicate situation and someone's going to end up with feelings hurt even if its handled right. You don't want to say anything hurtful, but anything BUT what the other person what's tio hear will appear that way to them. It's a damned if you do, and damned if you don't moment.

    Happens with straight people as well as gay or even bi.

    Like certain words... sex does change the dynamics of a relationship. And try as you might... it will never be exactly the same as it was before. Sometimes its good change, sometimes its bad change, but change of some sort is inevitable.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #18

    Sep 21, 2011, 06:57 AM
    I considered the prospects of more with Nick and also considered whether he would just be a friend with benefits. But since there has been no communication then I pretty much have my answer. I've decided not to do that again because it really upset the person that I have fun with. Unfortunately it is not possible to have a relationship with him because of too many factors. So we have the relationship we have now and we are happy with that.

    Nick will need to apologize first before I give him the time of day again. If he shows up for poker that is fine. I don't need to speak to him or be his friend. That is his choice. My guess is based on last week the guys won't invite him again. And that will be okay as well.

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