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jonic1986 · Aug 31, 2011, 06:10 AM

I just found out my husband cheated on me after a few months of marriage (married 14yrs ago). He says he was "in transition" from who he was to who he was becoming. He said he was panicking because he feared his sexual needs were not going to be met in our marriage.
After digging deeper I also found out he had an affair 6 yrs ago with a woman who went to prison for attempted murder. He took out a Craig's List ad this past May for "small groups and couples, zero drama lots of fun" and he's had ads out on various sites for years. I found pictures he had posted online of him and another woman having oral sex.
I had health problems leading up to and following a hysterectomy, sex has been painful for years and he is a very sexual being with kinky tendencies who says he freaked out and doesn't really want that lifestyle.
My heart is broken but he has half of it.
Am I completely insane for thinking we should work on this? We are in counselling.

smoothy · Aug 31, 2011, 06:17 AM

You aren't insane for giving counseling a try... because it might work. But if it doesn't you have to be prepared to do what you think you have to at that point.

Once 14 years ago... easy to say let it go... but a second time 6 years ago... thats not a one time indescretion... but yet again less than 6 months ago... thats a record of cheating.

That's going to be harder to change.

There are more things you can do as a couple except the one that causes you pain. I can think of two (assuming the healing process is complete). He can and should be happy to have those given your medical limitations if he really cared. What he gave was a lame excuse... not a good reason.

joypulv · Aug 31, 2011, 06:25 AM

My heart goes out to you. Of course it hurts.
Basically, do you feel that he genuinely loves you and is sorry? Has there been affection and care and responsibility for 14 years? Is he worth forgiving?
You are still married, he hasn't disappeared, and he's agreed to counseling. Plus, he's starting to reveal the whole truth back to the beginning. It's a Catch 22, a huge risk for him and for you to know all. The key question is, is he worth forgiving.
I made the mistake of not forgiving the man I loved most, who left me for a young bombshell for a while. He came back to me. But my hurt and anger made me petty and mean, and I lost him.

phillysteakandcheese · Aug 31, 2011, 07:27 AM

He might have just told you about a couple of transgressions to see how you take it... If he's the cheating kind, it's likely he has had other (perhaps many) encounters to feed his sexual appetite.

I'm glad you feel you can work it out with him, and I genuinely hope you can find ground where you both can be happy.

In my book, cheating is a deal breaker and I would not be willing to try and reconcile with someone doing the things you described.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 31, 2011, 07:52 AM

A one time fling, I can maybe forgive but a habitual cheater is just that.
If you are willing to go to counseling to get past this, I wish you the best.

jonic1986 · Aug 31, 2011, 08:42 AM

Thanks for your answers, the perspectives are most welcome.
He didn't actually confess on his own. I found it out. He's admitted to 4 women, 3 one night stands and one affair but I'm thinking I should triple that. He also didn't take precautions or have safe sex. We've both been tested since and are clear.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 31, 2011, 08:47 AM

That is a big pill to swallow. I think I would be really pissed.
I wish you well if you can work through this.

joypulv · Aug 31, 2011, 05:13 PM

There are ways to deal with this, if you decide to stay. Evening the score (without revenge that hurts you as much as it hurts him) sounds cold but it can work. One that comes to mind is a really expensive week at a spa with some girlfriends. Drain the entertainment fund, NO fun for him, no tickets to games, no big TV, and some really cheap frozen dinners for a year too. Run a women's book club in your living room twice a month. Take a course at a college.

I'm sure you can think of some others.
That is if you decide to keep the bastard.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 31, 2011, 05:52 PM

If you decide to stay, you stay and work on repairing the relationship. Playing vengeance games does not do that. What it might do is send him right back out there.
If it were me, he'd be gone. He exposed you to disease and he repeatedly lied.
I wish you well in whatever you decide.

Cat1864 · Sep 1, 2011, 03:45 PM

As Homegirl said, revenge games are not a good way to get your marriage back on track. Planning any kind of 'payback' is damaging to you and the relationship.

If you are in counseling and you both want the marriage to succeed, go into it with a mind that is open to rebuilding trust. Don't expect the hurt to disappear immediately. Expect the wounds to be very sensitive and try not to react without thinking things through.

I don't think you are insane for wanting to try a more formal approach to rebuilding your marriage or at least a better relationship with your husband. Counseling may help you determine if staying together is feasible or if you should go your separate ways.

Good luck.

joypulv · Sep 1, 2011, 05:30 PM

I hope no one thinks I suggested revenge. I suggested a reward to herself at his expense without hurting anyone. I really do believe that without some sort of treat the makes her feel 'even' such as going away on a vacation without him, the unfairness festers as pettiness, despite tons and tons of counseling.