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mkeah · Aug 22, 2011, 01:09 PM

Hello-

I've been in a committed relationship with a wonderful guy for the last 10 months. I was still in an emotional lull when we meet, having ended a short relationship months prior. He knew this and I kind of went into it unsure if I was ready or if he was even good for me. We are both 30, and when he was in his early twenties was busted for growing pot and spent 1.5 years in prison. This was sort of a red flag, but I am a very down-to-earth person and realize people make mistakes.

From the very beginning he was very into me, never has stopped showing his interest and told me that he had no wall with me and that it scared him a little. He told me that ever since he was in prison, he has been unable to commit to any of the women he was seeing, although he had "relationships" with them for long periods. Eventually, they would tire of his issue or he would just stop seeing them. He attributes this to trust issues among other things. Because he was so caring and loving and expressed his feelings to me, not to mention wanted to be in a committed relationship with me, I went along with it and have enjoyed a very nice relationship with honesty, communication, respect and love... up until yesterday.

Over the weekend he was involved with some family drama regarding his older brother who is going through a divorce. He was called by his Mom to be sort of a mediator and I could tell he was stressed by it. Not to mention, his Mom and step-dad don't have the best relationship, and this is something that has always bothered him.

So yesterday he tells me that he has a lot on his mind and needs a week or so to figure stuff out. He said he doesn't want to break up with me but needs to focus on his life and issues. He feels he is not giving me what I need as far as romance and being able to open up (which I don't really feel was an issue for me, didn't see it coming). He said he loves me and that I've have been a great GF and that it has nothing to do with me. He said he wants to marry me someday but needs to sort through his emotional crap that stems from being in prison. He doesn't want me to wait for him, but half of what he said made it sound like this would be short term while other things made it seem like I shouldn't hold my breath. He said we would still talk and see one another and this is not to be thought of as a bad breakup. Ugh.

I'm just so torn up over this... I love him so much and he is really an excellent boyfriend to me. We've recently talked about moving in together, moving out of state, marriage one day. Many of these things have been brought up by him. How can he suddenly be saying he needs time? I'm just not sure if I should believe it... I keep thinking that his weekend of family drama triggered some of this in him. Maybe made him realize he wasn't being the BF he thinks he should be, but like I said I thought things were great.

Truth be told, we live 2 blocks from each other and I wouldn't be surprised if he called me in a few days (he said that as well). It's just hard because I want to be supportive and understanding of his issues, but I also need to manage my feelings of sadness and betrayal. I just don't know how to go forward with him in this situation. I will not call him, I will give him the space he asked for. Any advice would be great.

I'm sure some of you will say he is seeing another woman, but that's not a concern here. Thank you for reading and helping me!

twinkiedooter · Aug 22, 2011, 05:08 PM

He's using prison as a crutch right now as his official reason for not wanting a permenent relationship. Prison does not change people like that, if anything a person finds themselves in prison and makes a better person out of themselves before they leave prison. He's got a lot of head problems and likes to use prison as an easy out. I'd move on. I've known folks who have been in prison and they don't act like him. He just can't let go of a bad situation. Most people find religion to help them cope. He obviously didn't find anything to help him cope. If anything he should be grateful that he found such a nice lady who even wants to be with an ex jailbird as not that many girls want this type of boyfriend let alone husband.

I'd find someone else with less hang ups or crutches.

And his pipe dreams of moving in together moving out of state and marriage are just that pipe dreams. I wouldn't trust him to marry you regardless of how many years you live with him. He's emotionally still a little boy who hasn't grown up. He's going to be that way for many years regardless of how old he gets.

talaniman · Aug 23, 2011, 01:06 PM

Be glad this happened as you have learned something very important here I think.

His reaction to his family problems is very telling and I think he is slowing things down for himself so he can adjust, because his brothers divorce gave him a glimpse into the downside of a relationship. It scared him, and that prison crap was but a way of explaining his own pain.

I imagine he does need space, and you should give it to him, but be aware of being so into him that you are subject to being hurt by his inability to handle his own fears, and insecurities. I think its more stunted emotional development than anything, and he was overwhelmed by everyone else's emotions. I think this because things were going along well until this happened.

The thing for you though is being so emotional you take this way to personally, and over react yourself. As you give him space, its wise to use the time to let your own emotional dust settle, so YOU can see reality clearly, get grounded, and in control of YOUR own feelings.

Depressed in MO · Aug 23, 2011, 01:57 PM

I agree with all of this advice. I had a boyfriend that has been in and out of prison because of similar reasons, and we have two kids together. We just recently broke up 6 months after he got out of prison AGAIN. I've heard all these same excuses and I mean the SAME excuses and it's BS. He might even believe it himself, but he will definitely try to put the blame on something/someone other than himself. And most likely, it will never change.

By the way, I went through 12 years of this crap. Don't let that happen to you...

mkeah · Aug 25, 2011, 05:22 AM

Thanks for the answers so far. I just want to say that although some people might think he is making excuses, I do truly believe that being in prison has made issues for him emotionally. Looking back, he has brought it up many times in random conversation, just different aspects of prison and how hard it was for him. I don't think that everyone is the same and don't like to categorize people into one category just because of who they are and what they have done.

For now, I am trying each day to resist contacting him and give him the space he needs.

Depressed in MO · Aug 25, 2011, 08:49 AM

Sure prison has made him emotional... emotionally unavailble. He's missed out on some life and is wanting to see what all is out there, maybe make up for lost time-who knows.

No one is categorizing anyone. Regardless whether he was in prison or not, if he was truly IN love with you, he wouldn't be doing this to you... Good luck, I hope it works out for you in the end...

talaniman · Aug 25, 2011, 11:22 AM

He needs more than space. He needs a good teacher, who is not as emotionally involved as you are. You just don't have the right tools for this job, but you are willing to give your soul to help him.

It doesn't really matter that you have strong feelings, and I sympathize with your distress, I really do, but he is the only one to get the right help to make himself healthy, in mind, body, and soul, and overcome his own demons.