[risksleeper]

I had a korean boyfriend for almost 8 months. Although it may be a short period for you, it really went through my heart. I have always thought he is too good to be true, but I guess you will never really know someone that much. We met in a language center, he was not my student but I guess he spotted me one way or another. During that time, I was also feeling so alone, and could not figure out why I need to eat my lunch alone. Pretty soon, he asked me out for lunch and we had a great time. From the many lunch sessions we had together in that school, we finally realize that there is something special between us two. Before he left in Korea, he asked me to be his GF, and several days after he went back, I responded. Well, by that time, technically speaking, we are officially on a long distance relationship.

I think I should let you know, that I never had a boyfriend before. I'm a half Filipino- half chinese girl, straight out from a reputable university. I led a very sheltered life, and I think that is what mostly got his attention. He thinks I am an angel as I teach children in Church for my free time and there were a lot of times that I taught him how to pray. I admit I'm also very conservative and I have never really dated before. I never went to bars, and yes, Im your typical nerdy girl. He respected and admired me a lot, and I never met a guy such fascinating and charming before. I am 22 and he is 27, but I thought we are immediate best friends as our age gap never seem to bother our interaction. Although it bothers him that I was too smart and pretty for him, things which I wouldn't know how to fix. He was often surprised of how my memory works and often low him away with how much I could remember, and how I know so much about so many things. At an early age, I admit I have accomplished more that what he had. I had earned my degree, was one of the top on my country on the national licensure exams, and was yes, earning money even if I don't need to. This is hard to admit easily, but yes, Im physically more popular than he is. But the thing is, that is the least of my concern, believe it or not, I could not care less. I think he is really fine as a man as well, and he do have his gifts and I find him very very fascinating. I would lie if I tell you he didn't own my heart.

I am also a hopeless romantic. I know I could not grant him the physical intimateness of a couple (like hug or kisses) and he understands that fully, and he was amenable to waiting (thats how he respects me). But what I lack on that department, I make up for the rest. I sent him letters, emails cards, I often help him with his homework (not about English only- even on his other korean subject homeworks) even if that is the only time we can meet on chat, if he tells me " i am still studying" I would understand, and yield to what he likes. I was always the first one to give messages, to buy him gifts, to bend on his schedule. As I understand that he is just a student, I never asks for gifts. And I tell you, exaggeration set aside, I have never even received flowers or even chocolates from him. But all those, I have tried to let pass. He told me that I am the most understanding girl hed known, but I tell him I was not raised to be needy. Im actually pretty independent and low maintenance, plus, If I needed anything (materials things) my father would be the one providing it in a blink of an eye. To put it quite simply, all I ever needed was his time, his affection. I was quick to assure that he is everything I would ever need.

But things changed suddenly after he went back to his university. He started to have this crazy schedules, and has become more and more irritable. He puts me last on his list, and he would rather go partying on his very scarcely few free time than to meet me online. The first time I bought our couple ring, and mailed to him but he admitted on never wearing it. It is a custom to our country to celebrate couple monthsary (monthly marks on how old your relationship was) ever since I was in HS, I was so excited to celebrating one. But of course, I was saving it for someone special. The 3rd month we were officially a couple, he told me flat on my face " that is not important" I admit I was deeply hurt, talk about bursting my dream balloon with such ease. He then told me that for koreans, they only celebrate 100 th day, 200 th day.. so I marked that on the calendar, but then 100 th day came, and he forgot about it completely. I reminded him 10 minutes before the clock strikes 12 am of the next day. He didn't admit he was late. But never did anything about it anyway, not even a single sorry, I was not showing signs of anger yet, nor disappointment, I was more on the curious side on why hed actually forget something like that when I have read it often that this celebration is actually quite big there. Anyway, instead he launched this whining session on how it is hard for him to study all day... and how crazy korean educational system is. So instead of creating more tension for him, I yielded and instead gave him encouraging words to get by and assured him I would pray for him.

And I really did pray for him. During his exam days, I would spend expensive phone bills just to call him and encourage him to do best and to relax... but never did he call me back. Not even on my birthday or the day of my interview for my new job. But even that I understand, maybe I'm in a better financial situation as he is, but I could not believe him when he told me he bought this expensive bag online, or spend parties left and right. He often tells me that's korean culture, he needs to drink with his friends more than thrice a week, even if it means forgetting your girlfriend completely. But again I never showed signs of being demanding, but instead, with broken heart told him to just enjoy and maybe he deserves some destressing. I kept on thinking the day of him coming back, he would make up for it, he would.

I could tell you more stories but I felt this getting too long and draggy.

Anyway, the day finally came and he went back here. I met him for dinner, and I was surprised on how he treated me. It not the same as before. For starters he offered me high five instead of a hug. And he never really did wore the couple ring. He told me I was even prettier than before, and to which I reciprocate back with compliments as well (even though he looked stressed and older). But I feel his general lack of enthusiasm and warmth. Sweetness degree would really go down to zero. Considering that it is the first time we meet after 7 long months of not being together! Finally he has time for me! But no. even his messages on mobile phone were lesser than I had ever permitted myself to imagine. Even though I am deadly tired from work (and he is only here for vacation, for a few hours worth of english lessons and tennis) I made time for him. I organized dates, paid for taxi fares, bought groceries for him... but he acted really irritable, like he doesn't want to be there with me. We never hold hands, never sat close to each other... and his excuse was because the weather was to hot. But I think if you love someone, you would at least try to smile on her effort, not to put a grumpy look and force her to drag you. Until one day, I burst, I wrote him a letter telling him every hurtful feeling I have. I didn't put it in an angry tone, instead in a pleading one, telling him to fix it because evrything is just plain hurtful its like torture... I don't know what is wrong with me. But you know what he did? He got angry. " stop, i dont wanna discuss this with you" " dont give me stress please" " you are like a kid" " your other problems, i was really sorry, but other ones, hu! " and then one time, I was explaining to him and he just plain laughed at me, telling me that I was being too much of a kid, and my arguments are no longer valid... I was crying that time.

But instead, I held on, telling him I'd wait for him to come to his senses, but one night he was asking permission if he could drink with his korean friends. I told him don't go, we are fixing our relationship's problem. Then he got sooo irritated that he bursted out " dont make me feel trashed again, I think i did good as you bf, now I will go because you dont have an appointment with me tonight, they do." the most hurtful thing is, he just met those guys he would be drinking with. Before he went away that night he said he needed time to think, and he said we should not be talking to each other for a while...

Its been more than 3 weeks and pretty soon hed be leaving for korea again. He never contacted me again. If he wanted to break up with me, why not provide a closure...

Its our first fight... and he decided to probably end the whole thing.

Please I need your thoughts about this, I have no korean friends and I really wish I could at least understand so I could finally move on and let go.

This is so traumatic for me. Its my first heartbreak. No matter how smart I probably am, I could never shed light to what really happen to my first love. It shatters me, and I wonder whether id ever be OK. I have God as my shield.

[talaniman]

You are learning the lesson we all learn, that you cannot give your heart to a stranger until you have had time to learn his true character. We are all sweet, and nice when we first meet, but over time either the love grows, or it dies, and his died. What a selfish fellow he was to not put as much into this as you did, but its best you know the truth now after 8 months, and not be fooled into more time, and been really hurt after a year or two.

Sometimes we ignore the signs (red flags), that there is more within our chosen love that we don't like. So of course you had no idea that you had to protect your heart, or how. That's why I hope you see this as the learning experience it is, and be more cautious, and protective of your heart, while you take time to enjoy getting to know someone.

You may be hurt, and bewildered now, but you will be wiser later, after your heart and soul have healed, and you will protect yourself and find out if the charming stranger deserves your heart, and knows what to do with it when he has it.

This fellows does not, and probably didn't long ago when you met him, but we live, and learn, and do better. Have no more to do with him, and be careful not to listen to him when he realizes how bad he screwed up with a really smart lovely lady. His loss!!

Please don't change, and be bitter from this experience, as some guy out there will deserve a sweet one like you. Just be careful of your choices.

[risksleeper]

Thank you so much for those encouraging words. I might appear stubborn and stupid to you, but I really do know how to listen to people's advice. I hope I can read more inputs, but as of now, your words are really enlightening. You are right, I was so fed up by what happened and to say honestly, I really love him still. But don't worry, I won't be that desperate as to beg him back or to accept him should he be crawling back at me (which is like seeing pigs flying or hell freezing over. He's not the humble type I'm sure of that) But I think, I might love the same person for years---secretly. I really wish Id be OK. And I never thought love is harder than academics! In science, if you don't know a theory, just read the entire book about it for a night and you are good to go, but in love... I tell you, Ive read lots and lots about it.. but still it confuses and frustrates me!! Anyway, Ill still be praying for him, I wish hed finally meet the woman who could make him happy EFFORTLESSLY. Will I need to wait for a closure? Or will I have to resolve this myself?

[talaniman]

Acceptance is closure. Accept what has happened, and the way he was. He is who he is. Never let the actions of another define who you are, or distract you from who you want to be.

Time and experiences will heal old wounds, and replace old memories. Closure is letting the process work. Its science, and healing is more than a theory, it's a process. Any process takes time, so that's what you give yourself... TIME, and patience, while it works.

We have a saying here, "Time flies when you are having fun". Its true, have fun with friends, family and activities, as you heal.

And NO, I find you neither stubborn, or stupid, just young, inexperienced, and curious.

[risksleeper]

I know that the best healer is time, and the blessings I have with people like you whom can talk sense out of me. I am blessed with friends and family. My mom cried with me, but has been very supportive ever since day 1 of break up/cool off. Thank you for providing me some thought provoking questions that made me last a day. For instance, today, I survived by pondering on the thoughts that accepting is closure. I repeated it to myself over and over. I have to accept now. I have to wake up from this dream (which turned out to be a nightmare) Im not going to lie, it's the hardest thing ever. But Im also the type of person who thinks and would feel what she thinks.

Thank you for your wise inputs. I showed this thread to my friends and all of them said they fully agree with your words. Plus they couldn't put it any better than you did. Thank you again :)