[CircleDFarms]

I have a question about sexting, I caught my wife and have found out it has been going on for 5 months, when I found the equipment, a cell phone booster and her cell phone I wasn't sure what it was, I caught her off guard. She wouldn't tell me at that time what it was. So after two weeks I confronted her again and she told me she had been texting people via Yahoo messenger and possible other sites not sure. This has tore me completely down, we have been married for 29yrs. We had another incident aobut 18 months back and this was from Facebook, she was talking with a old boy friend and was doing this in messages. I found this out accidentally by asking her who she was talking with and she blurted out his name and do you know him. I probably took this incident to far as I did read some of her communications with him and she was just talking about old time, but I felt that she at did me wrong as she was doing this behind my back. I did get mad and we have had problems with this over the last 18 months. She says that she felt like I took my love away from her and she tried to tell me and she felt like I wasn't listing so she decided to find someone that would. I love my wife very much she is my life, how do I get through this and get back to our loving relationship we had?

[Cat1864]

Sexting is a lot more serious than catching up and playing 'remember when' with a very ancient ex.

She should not have gotten involved with another person while still with you. She should have tried something different to explain her feelings since what she was trying doesn't seem to have worked.

You have to decide if you look at sexting as cheating (Some do, some don't-I have my own feelings on that subject, but you have to make up your own mind about it) and if you can ever learn to trust her again (or if you even want to.) Quite frankly, your reaction to her talking to her ex says a lot about your mindset and whether you trusted her even before the sexting. Did anything happen before the FaceBook event? Was she 'hiding' it from you or was that your perception based on your own feelings? Did you try to work through it or did you shut down emotionally hoping it would disappear or she would do everything in her power to reassure you she is trustworthy?

I am asking about the FaceBook issue because if you don't trust her and didn't try to work out the previous problem, then I don't know if you will be willing to put in the work overcoming this one will take. Is she willing to work with you or has she fully given up and started looking for a way out which sounds like what the sexting was?

If both of you are willing to work together to work through the past and present issues, then there is hope. It will mean both of you forgiving and letting go of the hurts whether real or imagined and setting boundaries of appropriate behavior as a couple. Once you agree to move forward together, neither of you can bring up the past as a way to score points in an argument or debate. In a way you are cleaning the slate.

You may find marriage counseling to be a way to talk things out in a safe place and learn ways to effectively communicate, work through issues, and remove the emotional clutter of 29 years so that you can find the foundation to rebuild the trust and marriage on. A mediator such as a counselor can help keep discussions focused on the issues and not allow them to become arguments.

It can take going to more than one counselor to find the person who works well with both of you. A counselor should not take sides. However, it may feel like he/she is if your mind isn't open to hearing your partner's side. Keeping an open mind is part of being willing to work through the problems.

[joypulv]

Cat1864 always has excellent, in depth advice.
I just want to add that since you do love your wife, you might want to try to leap over the hurt for the moment and work on the communication. You say that she says you don't listen - a very common complaint from women. A counselor can teach you how to listen, how to talk, and how both of you can do both with each other. A good counselor doesn't dwell on he said/she said but on methods to communicate.
I also wouldn't make a huge deal about her initial denial of the cell phone. She did tell you the truth later. And we don't know if a possibly very innocent FB connection snowballed into all this sexting out of frustration over your lack of understanding.

[CircleDFarms]

Thanks Cat1864, there were no problems in the past, our relationship I would have to say was perfect,we had no secerts we are a match made in heaven. After all I went through on the FB deal I don't think she was really trying to hyde it from me it was a case of her being new to FB. Would you recommend viewing any of the messaging she has done on Yahoo or just let drop with what it is,gues I'm just trying to understand how deep it goes?

Also Thanks to you Joypulv, what would be your comments on the above.

[jmjoseph]

Maybe she's bored. Maybe she has the need to be "naughty". Who knows? But for her to be exchanging sexually related messages with another man, is completely unacceptable. This needs to stop now.

As far as the listening, sharing, and maybe even spicing up your marriage, that's a challenge that you're going to have to be willing to carry out with a full commitment.

Damage has been done, that's for sure. But you love your wife and from where I sit it doesn't look like you're going to leave her for this so... do your best. At forgiving, forgetting, and working on the problems at hand.

The windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror.

Concentrate on the future, not the past.

I wish you luck.

[joypulv]

I'm puzzled how your relationship could have been perfect when she says it wasn't. Or are you saying that her complaints are all since the FB incident, and both of you agree that it was perfect before then?

As far as secrets go, OUCH. No two people in the world, no matter how close, should share every little secret, whether it's past, present, future, imaginary, or a hangnail. Same goes for sharing towels and merging your CDs and eating off each other's plate. If I had to say 'Honey, I just found an old friend on FB,' every time I found one (which is often, my whold HS class is popping out of the woodwork on FB), I think I would leave home. It's like being 12.

I'm a little worried that you have an idea of perfect that isn't her idea of perfect.
Again, communication. When did she feel you stole her love? When does she feel your lack of listening started? If you don't know those 2 answers, you have a lot of work to do, that and more.