[Sander87]

There is a girl that I love. We were going to get married. We met online 7 years ago. Had a stupid online youth love going that didn't mean that much. Broke up. Stayed chatting/skyping. About 3 years ago we decided to meet in real person. We fell in love all over again, this time serious. We knew it wouldn't work long distance so we kept dating other people. We kept meeting though. About half a year ago on one vacation we decided to go for it. Got everything going to move there and get married. After a long process everything was finally done so I quit my job and left my family and friends behind to move there.
 
We are both mid twenties.
I know we should have tried living together for a couple of months first, but I had a job (she didnt) and I did not want to just quit since we really needed the money for me to move there. I asked her if she would come here and she didn't want to. Because she would miss her friends and family too much and doesn't speak the language.

So anyway I moved there and its been one week.
Everything that could go wrong seemed to be going wrong: connecting flight got canceled, problems with luggage, computer broke down, bike broke down, cat ran away, car failed inspection and had to be fixed etc.
And it didn't take her so long (second day) to tell me she she isn't sure she loves me anymore.

She said she hated herself for letting me come here and then not feel anything for me. And that I must hate her. I comforted her, said I would never hate her and that if she is not happy with me we don't have to go through with the wedding and that I can go back. I told her that if she needed time she could get time. If she needed space she could get space. I am not sure if its all the stress that's been going on or that she actually doesn't love me anymore. She is my best friend and I love her so much I can't really imagine life without her. But I also know that I can not be with her just as friend. It would drive me mad and sad knowing she would be with somebody else. Do not get me wrong I want her to be happy. It would just hurt too much. Or am I being silly? I know I should and want to call a friend or somebody but I just don't know how to say all of this over the phone. But I guess I should just do it.

She said she wanted to try and I told myself not to have too much self pity and just see how it goes. Didn't go so great though. She doesn't want to cuddle with me anymore, doesn't want to hug me anymore, doesn't want to kiss me anymore. Sex yes, but no intimacies. So I told her I don't feel like she is really trying and that doing this is hurting me and tried to talk about stuff. I got a lot of clichés and nice comments thrown at me:
I want to save my kisses for somebody I really love
I love you but I am not in love with you
I see you as a really good friend
We just drifted apart
You are not my type anymore
I don't feel a spark anymore
We don't have the same interests anymore
Your view of love is innocent and naïve

I think you are getting the picture here so I will leave it at that. Told her that it's not going to work this way. That I should just move back to my country within a couple of weeks. She didn't seem so sad about it. Told her that it would be really hard for me to stay just friends and explained why. She said she understood but did seem upset about this.

Asked her if she was interest in some other guy and she denied it. There was one friend though that suddenly did not want to hang out with her anymore and wanted to be left
Alone to figure things out. Asked more about that and eventually she did say she is interested in him and they have the same interests etc. etc.I commented she probably would end up dating him within a month or so and she denied it (why do I feel like she is lying to me?).

2 1/2 months before we have to get married or else I have to go back. And once I go back it can't go back on this visa. So then it's over. It also doesn't help that I do not know anything here, can't drive a car (legally) here, don't have a job (cant apply for a permit till we are married).

I don't know. Part of me thinks she is so stressed and freaking out about getting married and stuff that she doesn't really know what she is feeling. But I think that is just wishful thinking. So I asked her that and she said that's not is. She told me that she hasn't had doubts for 2 weeks and is sure she doesn't love me or ever will again. I asked her why she said she had doubts before and said she wasn't sure if she had already made up her mind. She said she didn't want to hurt my feelings... Not sure if it is fair but I felt really betrayed by that. An hour later she just said that because she was angry and wasn't sure. 

Not sure what to think anymore and getting hard to believe her.

We were going to have 2 more weeks were we would try to see if it might work (pointless now) and try to have a good time one last time before we will never see each other again. She is my best friend and I love her so I want to have one last good time with her but now I am thinking it would be better for me to just pack up and go. Is that the right thing to do or should I stay here for a couple of more weeks?

Anyway sorry for the rambling, spelling and grammar mistakes and the long post and thanks for the advice in advance.

[redhed35]

Pack your stuff and get out of dodge asap!

Go home, make the call and get some support from your family and friends, she has told you straight, no point in hanging around for another 2 weeks, most people when there told to go,they go! They don't hang around for more emotional abuse.

You tried, at least you can say that,and you can leave without any regrets and of course without the hassel of getting divorced.

Get home and start rebuilding, you have gotten valuable experience, put into your tool bag of relationship skills and move on.

[Fr_Chuck]

Agree, go home and start rebuilding your life

[Jake2008]

I think it might also be one of those situations where 'nothing ventured, nothing gained'. You had no way of knowing if it could have worked out, until you actually went and took that leap to be with her.

IF she were truly in love with you, the two of you could have worked through all the minor problems that happened on the way to being together as you described. But, all the roadblocks in the way to being together would not add up to enough to breaking up; it would have been the opposite.

I don't see a 'wrong' her, on her part or yours. In a way, it's good that she is at least honest enough with you to tell you how she feels. And for you, you have not married her, only to find out a few years down the road that she never felt the same way about you, as you did about her. And then where would you be.

You will be doing the right thing in my opinion, to go now, and not further your emotional investment any further by having one last time together. Clearly it is over.

The sooner you are gone, the better.

[liz28]

Even though the two of known each other for years via computer the two of you didn't really know each other. Talking over the phone or over the internet is different than physically being together.

Once she told you I love you but not in love with you that is something to pay attention to and as you can see you can't change that.

The best thing about this is life goes on. Get of there ASAP. Marriage at this point shouldn't be a factor because there is no relationship. I think it is messed up that she allowed you to uproot and leave everything behind just to go there and be dismissed like that but you live and you learn.

So it is okay to vent and be sad over this but I am glad this happened before the two of you got married and it would have been a bigger mess and probably more costly.

[jbots10]

Along with what liz said, you guys never really knew each other on a personal level. I feel like she never really got to know the true you and you might have just always been a "fling".


Its rough and I am probably the last person to give advice right now seeing as what I'm going through, but from a third persons point of view. It seems smart to get out of dodge and get home and see your friends.


I know what no one says will click, and you will do what you want but to come here asking for advice, it might be worth it to just consider.


Best of luck to you.

[Sander87]

Maybe I wasn't clear but we did spend about 8 months together fysically. But spread out in a period of 3 years. That and talking daily on the phone for about 5 years should have given her some idea of who the true me is ;) but doesn't change what has to be done. Thanks for the support and advice.

[talaniman]

I know we should have tried living together for a couple of months first, but i had a job (she didnt) and I did not want to just quit since we really needed the money for me to move there. I asked her if she would come here and she didnt want to. Because she would miss her friends and family to much and doesn't speak the language.

You tried it didn't work, go home, and get your job back.