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Jacob_s · Aug 4, 2011, 09:12 AM

I've been married happily to my wife for 2 years now. We have never had sex, even on our wedding night we slept in seprate beds... I love my wife and I would never cheat, but I feel like I'm a bad husband for not understanding why she dislikes being touched in a loving way. When we first started dating it was in high school. Before then we literally ran into each other and were friends for years. I never asked about her relationships before me and really I'd rather not know. I've done everything in being gently with her and I'm not trying to ask should I be rough at all, I just want to know how to somewhat change her mind.

She's a beautiful woman and we talk about everything but when it comes down to sex and kids, we'll she just gets upset and tells me, she can't and walks away... I really don't know what to do anymore...

CravenMorhead · Aug 4, 2011, 10:02 AM

I think this might be beyond your ability to fix. She should get herself some help. A therapist would probably be able to help.

Though to be truthful, it baffles be why you would get married and stay married after this little piece of information came out. You're a heck of a man. All you can do is get her to get help. If she wants to get help.

You also probably need to communicate the strain this is putting on your relationship. Communication is the key here.

SadButTrue70 · Aug 4, 2011, 12:46 PM

I agree with last answer. The fact that she gets upset could mean something traumatic has happened to her in the past. Let her know you love her and care. Intimacy is important in a relationship. It keeps us feeling desirable and playful. :)

Fr_Chuck · Aug 4, 2011, 06:56 PM

Yes, there needs to be talks about why she can't, not walking away, I would say professional local help is needed

Alty · Aug 4, 2011, 07:01 PM

Wow!

Married for 2 years and you've never had sex with your wife?

Did you know what you were getting into before you married? Did she tell you there would never be sex?

I know that some people have suggested that something traumatic may have happened to her. If so, I sympathize. But, I have to say. I was molested as a child, from the age of 5 for many years, and I was raped when I was 18. I'm married, and my husband and I have a normal healthy sex life.

To marry someone and then deny them sex, that's not normal, not logical, and frankly, it's more then just cause for divorce.

It's time that she got some very serious help.

You can't be expected to live like this.

QLP · Aug 5, 2011, 02:21 AM

I too had some traumatic sexual experiences and whilst they did cause difficulties at times in my life they were nothing that couldn't be overcome with a little help. However your wife has to be prepared to get that help.

If she isn't you can only ask yourself if you are prepared to live in a celibate marriage. Some people do, but you have to fully accept it if you make that decision.

You have waited 2 years already, I don't see this resolving itself without her getting that help.

Jacob_s · Aug 5, 2011, 09:05 AM

We've tried help and ever one of her thearipists have quit before uncovering anything useful. Sometimes she'll come to me and just throw herself on in a sexual manner but then she'll stop and just sit silently. I knew what she thought going into the marriage I just thought it would be a little by now...

Wondergirl · Aug 5, 2011, 09:11 AM

Originally Posted by Jacob's

We've tried help and ever one of her thearipists have quit before uncovering anything useful. Sometimes she'll come to me and just throw herself on in a sexual manner but then she'll stop and just sit silently. I knew what she thought going into the marriage I just thought it would be a little by now...

The therapists have quit? (I am one and have never heard of that.) Or did your wife quit and tell you it was the therapist who quit? Have you ever gone with her to a session?

redhed35 · Aug 5, 2011, 09:14 AM

She'll talk about everything except sex and kids, maybe she does not want to have kids, seems odd, both subjects are interlinked and she won't talk about either.

Would she talk to a pastor? Has any of her family indictated something happened in her past? Could it be a fear of sex? Is she sexually in other ways? Does she flirt with you, be coy anytime?

You say she sometimes comes into to you but then backs down, how about talking about that and increasing her comfort level.

Talk about a snogging session, just kissing, how does she feel about that?

I'm sorry for all the questions, just trying to put a picture together.

There are loads of different types of counsellors available, the one she choose may not have been equipped to deal with your wife's problem, keep trying.

Jacob_s · Aug 5, 2011, 09:26 AM

Her family said she's had some bad relationships. Both of us don't believe in any God. Yes, I've been to sessions, I actual have been to most. And just kissing is fine with her but at times I try to push and just upset her.

Wondergirl · Aug 5, 2011, 09:28 AM

Originally Posted by Jacob's

Her family said she's had some bad relationships. Both of us don't belive in any God. Yes, I've been to sessions, I actual have been to most. And just kissing is fine with her but at times I try to push and just upset her.

So why did the therapists quit?

What happened at the sessions?

smoothy · Aug 5, 2011, 09:28 AM

You are a better more understanding man than me... I would have walked. I agree with the previous posters... she needs to find another therapist... and it would help if she really WANTED to get better. I could not and would not put up with the current situation (not for as long as you have)... no matter how understanding I might be.

There is hope... assuming she really wants the help. You've shown you have more patience than most.

Jacob_s · Aug 5, 2011, 09:30 AM

Nothing really happened during the sessions. The thearpist would ask question she wouldn't really give a straight answer.

smoothy · Aug 5, 2011, 09:37 AM

Originally Posted by Jacob's

Nothing really happened during the sessions. The thearpist would ask question she wouldn't really give a straight answer.

And that's why I mentioned about her WANTING help.

That seems to indicate to me she doesn't, and is going through the motions to get people off her back. Sounds almost passive-aggressive in nature. Her.. not you.

Wondergirl · Aug 5, 2011, 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by Jacob's

Nothing really happened during the sessions. The thearpist would ask question she wouldn't really give a straight answer.

I'm guessing your presence there made the difference. Were you at all the sessions?

Jacob_s · Aug 5, 2011, 09:49 AM

No but I was at most. I was told when I wasn't there she didn't say anything at all.

Wondergirl · Aug 5, 2011, 09:56 AM

Originally Posted by Jacob's

No but I was at most. I was told when I wasn't there she didn't say anything at all.

Then she needs to find a more helpful, better trained therapist.

Who told you she didn't say anything at all?

Are you in the U.S.

Jacob_s · Aug 8, 2011, 09:05 AM

Yes, I'm in the U.S. and they thearpist before she quit, told me she couldn't make any progress...

Wondergirl · Aug 8, 2011, 09:08 AM

Originally Posted by Jacob's

Yes, I'm in the U.S. and they thearpist before she quit, told me she couldn't make any progress...

So it was only one therapist who quit, not several.

Did she explain what she was talking about? Do you remember what her credentials were? Social work? Psychologist?

Jacob_s · Aug 8, 2011, 09:54 AM

Yeah only one really quit. Most questions were about her childhood, and her family.