[ZoeMarie]

It's been sooo long since I've been on here. Right now I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to about my frustrations and what to do. I feel like my husband and I have different ideas on marriage and what it means and it is slowly eating away at me. I have been so upset this weekend that I've felt sick to my stomach.

He had a wedding out of town yesterday. I text messaged him a couple hours after he left to see that he made it OK. I didn't hear anything back. So an hour or so later I called and left a message. Nothing... I waited all night just to hear anything from him. Finally he texts me and said his phone was charging in the hotel room. OK, that's fine... but wouldn't any spouse normally just say "hey, I made it ok." Not my husband. And when I asked him if he would call me he said "no, everyone's sleeping." I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt all morning. He's been on Facebook talking to his sister, but he can't text me back. I don't get it. I have tears streaming down my face right now and they won't stop. This isn't the only situation that me struggling. I feel like it's just put me over the edge. I love him so much. He means the world to me and I feel like I'm asking too much just to want to talk to him...

I just keep thinking if I was in his situation, I would have called when I got to where I was and at least gave him the name of the hotel and phone number. I would have text messaged him at least. And I wouldn't tell him no, I can't talk because everyone's sleeping. I would have gone somewhere that I could talk to him because I missed him. I just can't stop feeling like he doesn't feel the same way about me. Maybe he doesn't think about me the way I think about him.

I feel like I'm just rambling so I apologize for that. I am just going through so many emotions right now. I will be happy to answer any questions

[answerme_tender]

Okay Zoe,

When you calm down some you need to take the time and read what you have wrote. Then take time to wonder how little of self respect this woman has for herself who wrote it. You sound like a young teenage girl desperate for any little attention she can get from her first boyfriend.

This man is your husband an individual with his own list of priorities. If you are making him feel smoothered husband he is going to be distance from that feeling.

No husband or wife want to feel that they are married to a parent instead of a grown *** adult. If they are made to feel that they have to check in with their partner and tell them were they are what they are doing then they will start to lose respect then eventually lose the feelings that brought them together in first place.

Now on the other hand why wouldn't you be with your husband at this wedding in first place!! Did he not include you or what is this story. If you were not included by him then that is a whole new situation. That when you need to sit down and realize that this man has been allowed to put you on the bottom of his priority list. If that be the case then you need to ask yourself why you would allow anyone to treat you like this let alone your own husband.

[Cat1864]

{{{{Zoe}}}}

Rambling is fine. You're working through everything in your own mind. Just try to keep from running around in circles. You only end up dizzy and confused.

How long have these feelings been going on? Have you tried talking to him about how you feel before this?

When he gets home don't confront him. He will probably be tired from the weekend and traveling. Let him get some rest while you do what you can to calm down. You want to be able to discuss the issues with him instead of having an argument or fight.

Sit down with him when there are as few distractions as possible and calmly state how you feel not what you think he is doing wrong. For example: I feel like we have different concepts of marriage. I am concerned because it feels like we aren't connecting like we did. Listen to what he has to say. If you are confused, ask for clarification. See if the two of you can find a compromise.

If you are having problems communicating, marriage counseling can be neutral ground where both of you can learn how to communicate better and work together.

Remember that we are here for you any time you need us. :)

[talaniman]

Hi Zoe, been a while, just for background,

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nd-269232.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ak-473436.html

Yet another glitch to adjust to, or obstacle to overcome, and you will once your emotional dust settles (and we know you can get very emotional very quickly), and you gain some calm again.

When you do, please tell us what this is really about, you know we will listen, with plenty of hugs. Come on, you know you want to talk to us. At least tell us how you have been, other than lately.

[ZoeMarie]

Thanks Tal.

I haven't been on in so long. There has been so much going on in our lives. My husband's OCD has gotten bad over the last couple years. He's been seeing a counselor for that and is also on medication. A few things that he turns to distract himself are video games, TV, computer, etc. I've been trying for so long to be understanding about everything. I still am. I just feel like at some point, we need to quit blaming the OCD for everything. I feel like I let a lot go because of that.

I've been working a different shift the past few weeks and have hardly seen him at all. I miss spending time with him. I had to work yesterday so I was unable to go to the wedding with him. To Answerme_tender, I do not, smother my husband, not in the least. He would tell you the same thing. He gets plenty of space.

Tal, what this is really about, is being able to rely on my husband. A lot of times I feel like I can't, and to tell him that, which I have before, hurts. I feel like I ask for so little, but no matter how little, it doesn't seem to matter, because I'm asking too much. I don't even know what else to say. What I wanted more than anything this morning was to talk to someone, to get it out, because I don't know how much more stress I can take at this point. I'm actually considering talking to a counselor myself because there is just only so much a person can take. I just feel like yesterday, with the lack of consideration, respect, etc for me, it just put me over the edge.

Oh, and Tal, that post about taking a break. I only posted that because I saw so many people talking about that. I wasn't talking about for my husband and me. I truly believe in working through problems when you love someone, not running away.

[talaniman]

Stop stressing Zoe, he will not change, because maybe he cannot, but there are steps you can take for yourself, aimed at relaxing, and giving you a chance to make some adjustments to your own thinking, and actions. But the first thing you must do is get a check up yourself, because stress can change your thinking, and reactions, and that combined with outside changes, is overwhelming to any one.

Now just hear me out, and I know of what I speak, but small things have a way of adding up, and overtime that leaky faucet gets us over the edge, but we blame the faucet, when it was actually a whole lot of other stuff, but all we have in front of us is that freaking leaking faucet. Okay what I see from what, AND THE WAY you have written your posts, your confidence has been shaken, because of too much stress over time, has worn you thin around the edge and you are looking for relief.

See a doctor first, let him see if adjustments can be made, or take a look at some solutions to your stress level being reached, and once that's done, I bet, you will have a path to proceed in your own behalf. Bottom line is you have worked hard, with little regard for the things you enjoy, and make you happy, just you, for you.

So I respectfully order you to find one thing everyday for the next two weeks that you can do for yourself, that MAKES you happy. Got it, and make that doctors appointment just in case you are a bit rundown, and emotionally exhausted. It may not be as good as the lower back rub, or foot massage I give my wife, but you have to start someplace.

Okay go ahead, tell me I am wrong, so I can give you a big Ole hug, and tell you to do it any way. MY WAY, ;). Ask me how I know, I dare you! ;)

[ZoeMarie]

Thank you Tal.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read/respond. I feel like everything you say is right on. Over the last couple weeks I've been going to the gym a LOT. I think it's definitely helping. I've also found games of my own I can play on my iPad. I've been learning not to do everything myself, and leave things for my husband to do. If he doesn't do it, then it doesn't get done. You should see our backyard right now. LOL.

[talaniman]

Aw I think you just need a friend to beetch too, and a youngster to cut the grass every two weeks, CHEAP!

[ZoeMarie]

Cat1864,

"Sit down with him when there are as few distractions as possible and calmly state how you feel not what you think he is doing wrong. For example: I feel like we have different concepts of marriage. I am concerned because it feels like we aren't connecting like we did. Listen to what he has to say."

It's funny you say that because I always make sure I never tell him he's doing something wrong. I've subscribed to Dr. Gary Chapman's newsletter. So I get emails all the time that touch on all the issues we have. We also do chapters together in a book that we got for our wedding where we answer questions at the end of each chapter. We just did one the other night. We're working at it.

Tal,

Hugs are my favorite. I could definitely use a hug...

[talaniman]

We're working at it.

That's the sign of a successful marriage. The partners just keep working at it no matter what the obstacles. That's love in my book.

[Kefka2200]

@Answerme_tender

"Now on the other hand why wouldnt you be with your husband at this wedding in first place!!! Did he not include you or what is this story."

First off, I appreciate anyone here trying to help my wife. The story as to why she COULD NOT come, was that she is working odd hours, it was one of my good friends' wedding and it was 3 hours away. I would not have gone had I not been able to "bunk" with my other friend and their significant other. It was no picnic, I was stuffed into the back of a jeep liberty for part of the trip due to lack of space, had no one to dance with and I slept in an empty hot tub in the hotel room.

My phone died on the way up there because while my friend was supposed to bring their GPS, they did not, so I had to use my phone which, if there's anyone here who knows a lick about technology, drains that REAL quick, in fact it didn't make it the 3 hours. We got there just in time for the wedding to start, after it was over (my phone was dead this entire time mind you) we went to the hotel for like 30 seconds to drop our stuff off. The first thing I did was plug in my phone because I knew ZoeMarie would overreact if I didn't contact her at some point. I could have asked someone, yes, but I wasn't thinking that at that time, and it had only been about 4 hours at this point since I had last talked to her, so I figured no big deal. But the truth of the matter is that NO ONE brought their phone to the reception. Everyone who would have needed one had their significant other there, and thus left their phones in the hotel room as well. I did not know this. I had no control over the car, or where we went either. We went to a couple bars before the reception. The first thing I did when I got to the hotel room at 1230am was text her (because my roomies were sleeping). Not because she called me a zillion times, but because I wanted to "check in."

"That when you need to sit down and realize that this man has been allowed to put you on the bottom of his priority list. If that be the case then you need to ask yourself why you would allow anyone to treat you like this let alone your own husband."

Thankfully, this is not the case. I love my wife, I just think there are some dependency issues, perhaps on both our parts. I appreciate what you're doing by offering, however now you're just putting ideas in her head. Tell her something like that (even though it's not the case) and she'll start to fear the worst. It's what she does.

[ZoeMarie]

So excited that my husband has managed to find this thread... and after we had talked about everything to. He posted a screenshot of answerme_tender's advice and used it as a wallpaper on the computer. So needless to say I was a bit devastated when I came in to check my online banking.

Tal, do you know if I can change my screen name on here? Or if I'm stuck with it?

[talaniman]

Other than open a new account I am afraid that this one is permanent. I think we all have gotten use to you Zoe, and a change may confuse us a bit, and I find that its an advantage to have a partner involved with the venting, ranting, and problem solving. I find his post very interesting, and so should you, because of what he chose to answer to, and what he did NOT.

As my post to you reflects, I didn't think this was about him, his actions, or habits at all, but about you and the way you deal with things. I have not only read your threads, but your logical, effective, caring advice to others as well, and with most result orientated folks, glitches can build up and throw us off our game a bit. Too many at once is a worry, and instead of stepping back and regrouping, I think maybe this charges you even more.

I think you let the shock wear off, and you may find this to be less devastating, and more an opportunity to learn, and listen, because its obvious he pays closer attention to you than you may know, and you have more an effect on him than you know.

My wife is somewhat stressed herself worrying about GROWN UP family members, but I have one of those soothing facial masks to try on her tonight, in an effort to make her feel pampered a bit. Pampering is great to relieve female stress, and I am fairly good at it.

Make sure your husband reads that last paragraph. No doubt he cares, but maybe he has to sharpen some of his husband tools. OR develop a few new ones.

Stay calm, cool, and collected.

[ZoeMarie]

Just so there's no confusion, nothing of what I've said on here should be new at all for my husband to read. Nothing I've said should come as shock to him. So it's not that I haven't discussed things with him before coming on here and I'm keeping anything from him. I'm a fairly open book. I didn't come on here behind his back like he's making it out. I don't want to talk to friends/family about this because they know both of us and I don't want to make either one of us look bad. I came on here to get some outside perspective, because obviously mine is warped.

[talaniman]

You have nothing to explain, and we are all warped. Some of us more than others. I can laugh at mine though, my wife, not so much. But she is a bit warped herself, and I better not laugh, so I can understand your situation.

URP!! She just told my that's my problem, I laugh too much! :confused: