[FlorenceArabia]

This is a long background story, but I'll try to make it as concise as possible.

I was in a long-distance relationship with a wonderful Australian man I met online for 4ish years. We were engaged and had the application process for his fiancé visa well underway. It was taking much longer than expected and I felt trapped and alone and increasingly bitter about the entire situation. About seven months ago I made the worst possible mistake I could ever have made and cheated on him with my now-boyfriend. I'd cheated on him in the past with a woman but we chalked it up to impossible distance and my youth and foolishness and it helped that I wasn't too emotionally involved. This time it was too much. I had real feelings for my now-boyfriend. My fiancé was beyond crushed. We basically stopped talking. I emailed desperately, trying to get him back, but he did what was best for him and maintained that our relationship was over.

I was drinking and doing drugs like crazy, partying with new-guy, numbing myself to the reality of the situation. I had serious regrets. Obviously I regretted crushing the sh-t out of my ex's heart, but I also selfishly regretted losing him. I still maintain he was my greatest ally and resource in life. At the same time, I started to develop deeper and deeper feelings for my new boyfriend. Eventually things progressed and we were attached at the hip and he was living in my apartment. I lost my friends and acquaintances for various reasons. We fought a lot. I'd never fought like this. He would be crazy paranoid and accuse me of cheating. He would go through my emails and texts. I got used to it, accepted it, allowed it. We began a little toxic cycle. Partly I think I was okay with it because it was the punishment I wanted for cheating, partly I think I was just unfamiliar with emotional abuse and it snuck up on me the way I now understand it usually does.

We got pregnant and I had an abortion. I reached out to my ex about the abortion. It crushed me because I was happily looking forward to starting a family with him for so long. I felt like I wasn't just losing a baby; I had come to terms with the abortion and knew it was the best choice for everyone, but I was so crushed with the feeling that I was losing the chance for the future I'd been hoping and waiting for. He sent me a text on the morning of, just saying he was thinking of me. He also sent flowers which I didn't know about till later. I didn't dream of telling my boyfriend I'd shared any of this with my ex.

Immediately after the abortion my boyfriend and I went to the grocery store to stock up on supplies which was a bad idea because I fainted and paramedics came in a freaking fire truck and made a huge fuss and it was a somewhat traumatic ordeal. I remember laughing it off. We got home and the phone rang, my boyfriend answered and someone said there were flowers for me in the lobby. I lied and said I didn't talk to my ex, it was just some strange coincidence. But he knew they were from my ex because he'd seen the "break-up flowers" (with notes saying cute things like, "It was beautiful while it lasted", etc) he'd sent before. My boyfriend went to the drug store to get the supplies we meant to get earlier and said nothing of the flowers upon his return. That night was the most painful experience of my life, I don't even remember it. The next day was okay, but my boyfriend was distant. That night he got plastered and I knew what was coming. Fighting and shouting. The flowers and how I'd lied to his face about not talking to my ex. Also the flowers had mysteriously disappeared which is still bizarre, but he conjured up all kinds of ideas about how they'd disappeared and who else had been involved.

Somehow we brushed over it and continued our little toxic cycle. The classic pattern of closeness and distance and blow-up and make-up. So many fights I can't even remember now. The making up was so sweet. We had a big fight over something and separated for a few days. I went to the bar and got too drunk to walk myself home. Some guy walked me home. I guess I'd been texting my boyfriend of my perilous situation and he trekked all the way to the bar I was at, and then to my apartment. He opened the door and the guy who walked me home was standing there. I hardly remember it. That guy promptly bolted and my boyfriend promptly smashed some beer bottles and somehow broke the crap out of a desk chair and screamed and screamed. I was crying and begging him not to leave, pleading and promising that nothing had happened. He was searching frantically for his keys, which I guess he'd thrown too. He kept pushing me to the bedroom and telling me to stay away because he didn't want to see me. I didn't listen. He slapped me comically. I had glass in my feet and there was blood everywhere. I guess at some point I fell in the tub and bent the hell out of the shower curtain rod. The cops came and I don't know what happened. They didn't want me to be alone and I had no friends to come over so they just made him clean up most of the glass and decided to leave us be. As soon as they left he took my car to his house, I passed out for a few hours, then took the rapid to his neighborhood, and texted him to ask for directions from the rapid station, and he came and picked me up because it was a really crappy area and apparently very dangerous for me to be navigating alone. After all of THAT we STILL CONTINUED. We brushed it off. I don't even know how, it seems insane in retrospect.

At some point I started drinking less, doing less drugs. I was finally understanding that this was reality, this was my life. The fights seemed more and more contrived. I started being more honest, more responsible, more cautious. I started to realize it wasn't always because of my actions. I started to realize I wasn't being treated fairly despite all of my attempts to be completely honest and fair to him. I started to get tired of being accused of being the villain when I was finally actually doing nothing wrong. I emailed my parents about how I was going to break up with him just so I'd feel like I had no choice. I called my sister for her support. I wanted out. But I kept getting drawn back in. We got back together this past Monday after a night of hell on Sunday. Monday morning I talked to my ex. It was painful. I felt hopeless and helpless. I was as close to taking my own life on Monday as I've ever been. My boyfriend left work early and we quietly held each other for hours and I was just relieved to have someone there. Then we sort of continued as if nothing had happened. Last night he was a bit drunk and woke me in the middle of the night (he's done this so many times) to ask me why I drove to Avon that afternoon, why I hadn't texted for two hours. (I'd taken a long drive to get out of the house and neglected to text while doing so.) I was angry but sleepy, so I gave him answers and he left it alone and finally went to sleep. I slept angrily on and off and this morning I told him it was f---ed up that he would go back to that, after he'd been doing much better about not being so paranoid and crazy, and furthermore it was messed up that he never apologized for the crazy awful stuff he said to me on Sunday and that he blames me for everything and basically that I think the whole situation is f---ed. He left for work and then we texted and sort of agreed (as we have many times before) that this isn't healthy or good and we're not making each other happy but that it sucks because we love each other.

I've had plans to move down south with my sister for a while now, but haven't done anything to put my plan into motion. He knows this. He also knows I've been talking to my ex, and he said the other day that he can't deal with me still talking to him, but I said I wasn't just going to stop talking to him, that it was a promise I couldn't make.

We both sort of agreed that maybe we could try to make things work to spend time together till I move. But now it seems like it just isn't working.

I guess my questions are: Should we just break up and try to move on? Is it dumb to think we could work out some kind of limbo land? Is he actually emotionally abusive and I should forget about hoping for something in the future? Should I worry that I still regret messing things up with my amazing ex even after 7+ months with new guy?

Sorry for the disjointedness of this whole mess - I tried my best to give an accurate description of the situation.

[BK201]

After reading the whole story, you have gone through a lot. Lots and lots indeed. Thumbs up that you still have not given up. Now, list out what are the problems that makes you want to break up with your now-bf. Then sit down with him, and discuss it with him. But I suggest, let him say his points as well. And he might get agitated and scream, but tell him clearly that this conversation that you both are going to have will decide your future. Listen to what he has to say, put in your thoughts as well, and see if its going to work out. If you both are not hitting anywhere, then you should cut it loose.
Next, as long as you have not sorted out your problem, do not involve your ex into this. You can get mental support from him, but I see that the feelings re-kindle and at this situation, it just breeds more problem.

[FlorenceArabia]

You're absolutely right about my ex being involved. It's caused enough problems that I slipped right into a new relationship without fully grieving or accepting the loss of our relationship. I would hate to repeat that error and slip back into the past feelings without processing the feelings I need to deal with in this new relationship. I think that's a pattern I've repeated my whole life, and has given me nothing but confusion. I also know that it's asking too much of my ex to counsel me through the relationship with the man I cheated on him with. I want to turn a new leaf and treat myself and the people I care about with the attention and respect I know is deserved.

You are also right about the conversation. He just texted to ask if it'd be all right to move his stuff out of my apartment tonight. I think as long as we are both sober we will be able to have this conversation tonight. I will make a list as you suggested. Thank you so much for your answer.

[amicon]

This isn't love , it's a toxic mess and you need to get out asap.

How are you handling your drinking and the drugs?

This is what you should look at first of all seek help to find out what's making you stay in an abusive-and,yes it IS abusive relationship.

Move out and move away.

[liz28]

Even you called this relationship toxic and I have to agree with you. I believe that you know this relationship is unhealthy and you really want to get out but your just having problems doing so. Calling your mom and sister proved that point and I know that was a big step for you. Asking for help and seeking support from your family was the first step.

This toxic cycle you and your boyfriend have aren't any good and staying with him just to not be alone isn't a good reason to stay with someone. Your boyfriend does have a lot of issues and I think some of them are bigger than you. He done always git so mad at you that he trashed your place and slapped you? I think all the alcohol and drugs being used in this relationship also plays a big factor. However, I am glad to hear that you are using less but I hope your aiming to going down to none.

From your post you seems to be a logical thinker but you have a lot of regret going on inside you. I know you feel bad for cheating on your ex with your current boyfriend but don't let that be a reason to stay un this dead end relationship. You have to let that guilt go. You can't keep holding on to that. Then the second thing you need to do cut all ties with your current boyfriend. Let him go!

I have faith in you. And maybe moving south to be near your sister isn't a bad idea. I think maybe seeing a counselor will do you some justice or maybe enrolling in a support group to help you maintain your decisions and help you along the way. I wish you the best of luck and remember "you can do it".

[BK201]

And be prepared, if things don't seem to work out and he doesn't agree to change or listen, to move out without looking behind.

[FlorenceArabia]

amicon is right that it is a toxic mess and I'm well aware of it. I have had a hard time accepting that it is abusive. I'm still in denial about it because I have feelings for him that I would describe as love. I know that seems crazy, but I understand that it's normal in emotionally abusive relationships. I've been conditioned to think of it this way. I also think I struggle so much accepting that it's abusive because of what liz28 pointed out -- that I am holding onto guilt. I was raised with a lot of guilt. My parents are truly good people, but both have so much guilt for their life-situations that they unwittingly passed onto me and my sister. I also obviously am still holding onto all of the guilt from cheating on my ex. This is where the substance abuse has come in, and I am fully aware of my abuse and hope to have my sister's help in kicking my habits when I move. In the meantime I have been maintaining a pretty good level of sobriety in order to assess my situation and make better choices. Please understand that these aren't just excuses. I think I'm just finally starting to understand my behavior and realizing that it's important for me to forgive myself for the stupid choices I've made in order to move on.

I plan to end this toxic relationship tonight, regardless of what we discuss. The fact is that it isn't healthy. I need to take steps for myself. The news that he wants to move his stuff out tonight is actually helping me feel braver and stronger, and your answers are helping me face the facts.

Thank you both for your answers.

[amicon]

I think you are on the right track and you are doing the right thing-for you and for a happy future.

Ask your sister to help you and get professional help as well.

All the best to you and take good care of yourself.

[FlorenceArabia]

Thank you. The last time I reached out to my sister I think she was afraid to speak too strongly about my relationship because she didn't want to push me away. We understand each other very well though, and I know she could see through the excuses I was making for him, and I was able to see through her censored thoughts. This has helped me though because having other people tell me blatantly that it's an unhealthy situation gives me the confirmation I was looking for. There's nothing ambiguous about a toxic mess -- I need to get out. I plan to post after tonight's confrontation. Even if it's just as an incentive for me to stay on the right track. Thanks again.

[amicon]

Come back and tell us-you're in a good place here.

[FlorenceArabia]

I guess it's over. All of his stuff was moved from my place, excepting a guitar and a few small other things. I told myself I would stay sober and strong, but I got weak and drank and then went to the store to get more alcohol. He barely said a word, which was strange. It doesn't feel over (he's going to want his guitar), but I feel like it needs to be this way. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's relief. And I'm ashamed to admit I got a little crazy a while ago and drove by his bar and saw him at the bar through the window, but went straight home. I don't know. I'm having the usual self doubt and anxiety I've had whenever we've temporarily cut ties. This time I just need to keep it going. All of his stuff is out of here, which is really hard, but it's a good step. I need to keep telling myself that this is right. This is a good step for me. I need to be selfish. I need to care about myself, which is something I've never really done. Guh. What a pain in the butt.

[FlorenceArabia]

Just an extra thought: He left the spares we made for him which makes me feel slightly less anxious about him busting in whenever he feels like it. I told my ex I'd email tonight or tomorrow, and if I didn't to call my sister. This might have alarmed him, but I emailed to tell him I was okay and that I was sorry, but I felt like I needed to do some safety planning. I feel silly now, and my bf's "good behavior" tonight made me feel like a jerk for thinking he's abusive, but I have to keep remembering all of the times he's undermined my self-esteem and humiliated me and accused me and made me feel like (and told me out-right) I'm a piece of sh-t. It's a crappy situation and I have to do what's best for me and my future. I have to tell myself it isn't just being selfish. It's my only chance on this planet and I can't sacrifice my happiness for anyone. I'm going to call my sister and parents this weekend but tonight I'm in survival mode. Sorry, just venting.

[amicon]

Caring for yourself is what you focus on now-because you are worth it.

Make sure you have people to talk to-meet up with true friends and find support.
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