[redrumx3]

I'm 21, and I've had a boyfriend since I was 13, nonstop besides maybe a couple months over time or so. I've had long relationships, a couple short ones, but generally I've been with someone nonstop. And to be honest, I've been cheated on or treated badly in every one of them. I recently broke up with the guy I've been with for the past 4 years due to other issues.

In any case, I feel the need to have someone there, and I hate it. I want to be able to be independent and be my own person and make my own decisions without second guessing myself. Even after we broke up, within a short time I was talking to someone else. From what I can tell that's fallen through, and my ex is asking for me back and other guys are flirting with me, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm actually alone, and I want to be alone. This sense of alone is thrilling and terrifying and one moment I'm clinging to someone the next I'm wanting nothing to do with anyone. I just want to be able to say that I know who I am, that I can walk out the door without someone else and go where I want to do, do what I love to do.

Part of me feels like having someone there makes me feel wanted and needed, I guess I need to figure out how to feel that way outside of a relationship.

[tickle]

Redrum, what a lovely post about your inner feelings. I applaud your frankness. The problem I see is you having b/fs one after the othe since you were l3, so you have enever had chance to be emotionally dependent on yourself, and that's what you need really.

No one can tell you how to do this. You just have to be disciplined in your life to realize you are the only one YOU need. The best way to accomplish this, and not possible for everyone, is a complete holiday break by yourself to see how you deal 'with yourself'. A remote island would be ideal.

If you drive a roadtrip would be good, seeing new places, meeting new people. After all you are 21 and able to do anything you want, anything that pleases you. So if you can afford it, get away and do something on your own and spread your wings without any interruptions, but eventually you are going to find the one and only you want to be with for the rest of your life, but that's okay too, right ?

Good luck

Tick

[Just Looking]

I also really enjoyed reading your post. It is what many of us suggest to young women - that they learn to be on their own, learn to be independent and self-sufficient, and really know who they are before they settle down with someone for life.

I was somewhat like you, dating one guy from age 15-18 and another from 18-21. From 21-27, I had a couple more long term relationships, but typically with up to a year in between each. I feel that I knew myself quite well by the time I started dating my husband at age 27. We married last October, which brings about a whole new set of thoughts about life.

There are different ways to go about this. Some examples include education; working on a career; traveling; volunteering; establishing a good network of friends; good family relations; pursuing interests you have or even figuring out what you might be interested in doing; and many more.

I'm a big planner. I make lists of what I want in life and figure out how to get there. I read a lot, which opens me to new ideas and ways of thinking. I travel often, have many friends, am open to new interests and adventures, but I also work hard at my profession. For me, it's all about finding the right balance, and being open and adaptable. You get over the need to have someone by allowing yourself time to explore. It might feel awkward at times, but you get over that. So first, what is it that you want in life?

[ett]

Hello , I was like u , kind of , until I relize something wasn't right , I look for help and it turns out that Im a codependent . The good news is that you way yonger than me , so u don't have to suffer like I did
Just because I didn't know about codendency .
Good luck ! Et

[redrumx3]

Thanks for your advice so far!

[themisfitkitten]

My situation is a little different, but maybe if I relate it you can take something from it.

I grew up in a family where my parents were married at 17 and 21, because a little bundle of me was on her way; the majority of my family has followed a pattern of marry young, have kids young, and stay with your spouse forever. Although this was a wonderful childhood and I didn't have to suffer divorce or really, anything too bad, I had the notion from a very early age that this is how it is "supposed" to be for everyone. You fall in love with your high school sweetheart then you're together forever--there's no need to go dating around with lots and lots of people.

Imagine my surprise when I reached 15, the age my mom met my dad, and still hadn't really started dating. No one seemed to want to be with me, so surely I was doing something wrong--even though I liked guys and would build up some magic future in my mind, my wanting it wouldn't make it happen. I started to get scared that I was falling behind in the "pattern," since I had no significant relationships and no prospects.

Turn to age 19, when I become so terrified of being alone forever, that I start dating a random guy who emotionally abuses me for three months because he knows how desperate I am to settle down, whether I am happy. I tried to change everything about myself to something he liked, and only became more unhappy... but I still wanted to be with him, because he was paying attention to me. And then he dumped me, and I folded away into myself.

I spent the next few years hiding, part of a "relationship" with someone online that I didn't meet in person until two years or so into it. I was so afraid of being alone, and so afraid of being hurt again, that I let this go on far too long. I finally asked myself if it was more important for me to be with someone, or to be happy. I had become so comfortable with having someone to say "I love you" that I hadn't realized that I had been unhappy for a long time, and trying to hold myself to an ideal that may not be the same for everyone.

Although I'm not proud to say it was a very messy breakup--I hurt the guy's feelings pretty badly because it seemed out of the blue to him, though I'd been thinking about it for a long time--when I had time to collect myself, I realized that I had spent so much time trying to change myself and put up a front that people liked, that I just didn't know myself anymore, or what I wanted.

The first thing I told myself was: "I am single now, but that's okay--millions of single people go happily through life every day." The second was: "If I have to change myself just to make someone else happy, it's not really me that they want."

I spent time after that working on allowing myself to BE myself again, and found other things to focus on: work, family, friends, my pets, reading... I learned that there was nothing wrong with me, and no reason I should be unhappy because I hadn't followed the family's pattern. I didn't refuse to date, but I certainly didn't seek it out.

And, in the middle of all this, a fry cook asked me out on a date, and I NEVER saw it coming--I had no intention of it being a long-term thing, but apparently the time I took to find myself was enough. He found me too, and liked me for who I was, and this December 22 marks 9 years since our first date, and we've been married 7 years.

It's a very good idea to spend some time NOT dating so you can learn more about who you really are, and what you want. I respect you very much for coming to the realization that you should do this--you will be much happier in the end if you take time to decide what is most important to YOU before becoming part of a permanent US. I wish you all the best!

-tmk

[spitvenom]

Good for you redrum!! Find yourself, be independent. Then you will be able to spot the people who aren't worth your time and the people who are.

[dayshii1234]

I really enjoyed reading this and all the replies because I thought that I was the only way that felt that way.
--Looking for love and feeling important is something that I must say we all go through. That is why we have careers to choose from and so forth .
-- I have done things I am not proud of and been really emotionally damaged but that is part of life and those are things that are bound to happen. At the moment it may seem like the END OF THE WORLD and for a long time it will and ull start to feel lonely and deppressed and I must say that even as a Christian I feel this way .
-- It also deals with a generational curse you never know what your family did before you and how they were before u. They probably had that same problem that you and I had . The need to have a man. The need to feel comforted and feel loved and have that Fairy tale that we all dream of, but through certain choices and experiences in life it doesn't always come out the way that we dream it would be & honestly that kills me that I wasn't able to save myself, but reality is there will be one out there that will appreciate you it just takes a matter of time and experience and confidence. And if your fear is of being alone I don't blame you sometimes it's better alone than bad accompanied. Just take your time if you can & get to know yourself first and be assertive . And say OKAY THIS IS WHAT IIIII WANT!

[LadyToni]

I really like seeing a young lady looking at herself and examining her life. What I would suggest is to spend time doing things that you like doing. Do you like writing, or music or art? Explore more of those things that 'speak to you' Don't think, 'oh I can met cute guys here' or 'this is where my ex spends time maybe I can see him' This time to explore yourself is great because you will know what you want to see and how you can get guys to be with that will treat you well. You give your best to a relationship if you aren't healthy and taking care of yourself.

Have fun and good luck.