[beddiawl]

Yesterday me and my girlfriend broke up after 2 weeks of constantly having arguments. It all boils down to me and her having a complete different way of showing affection. I have never been around affection and I come from quite an unhappy family, having never seen my father and mother show affection to each other, when I have been growing up this does has been the norm for me (not seeing affection).

After nearly 2 years into the relationship, me and my girlfriend split up because of the same reason, but I assured her that I will try my best to show more affection, it was then OK for a month or so, but I lost it again, I wanted to tell her that she was pretty and she looked beautiful, but I just could not find the words. It did not help that when I said something, instead of saying thank you she would disagree with me and tell me she is not. So after a while she just went unhappy again.

She shows love by hugging and kissing and giving compliments, while I show love by looking after her, protecting her and buying her anything she wanted. Which then causes arguments because I am not as affectionate as she is.

I love her so much and I don't want to lose her, she was the only person I cared about in the world and she was the only person that cared about me. I feel so ill knowing ill never see her again, she wants to be friends but I think it's a bad idea as it would just trigger us both off again. She says she loves me so much still and she will always love me, but she can't be with me if I'm not affectionate. We were meant to be moving in together on September the 1st and we had put a deposit down on a house. That deposit is now lost as we cannot move in together.

I have tried and tried to force her into thinking I can change, but she's not taking any of it, she's scared she will still be unhappy and we will just hit this again. I wish I could get her back! I wish I could show her I can change, I don't really want to live without her, seeing her with another person will literally kill me.

[Cat1864]

There is a book that I think both of you need to read titled "The Five Languages of Love". It explains how people express their feelings in different ways and how a couple can learn to communicate their feelings better.

You can not force someone to change or accept change. You can only change your own behavior and thought process and hope it influences the perception of the other person. Don't try to make huge changes all at once and expect them to stick. Make small ones and build up as the foundation gets larger and stronger.

By the same token, she has to be patient and understanding. She has to be willing to accept the small changes and to adapt her own behavior to encourage instead of discourage. She needs to recognize that her own responses are just as important as your attempts. Nothing is one-way in a relationship especially change.

Learning how to communicate and compromise is an on-going process. It takes work and commitment. Do you think you are as committed to changing how you communicate as you want to be?

If you have given her a lot of promises about changing and haven't been able to follow through, then break the cycle by not making a promise you can't keep. Do your best to communicate and work together, but remember to be realistic. If you can't find a compromise in the ways you show affection, then perhaps you both need to move on and find people you are better suited to be with in a relationship.

[talaniman]

Sure it sucks to get dumped for whatever reason, but clearly you both were not compatible to each other, and whatever got you together, could not keep you together. Happens all the time when there is no understanding because you didn't have the same language by which you communicated.

All couples have that challenge, and few pass the test. But take heart as to from this emotionally devastating event, you will grow stronger and better aware of what it takes to be a good partner.

After a proper healing, no doubt you will meet someone that's more compatible, and easier to understand. That's the key for you, to allow time to accept she ain't the one, get over it and become a better person for the NEXT romantic adventure. Sorry the healing process is long and painful, but the best way to do it, is to focus on regrouping, and rebuilding a life that YOU enjoy without HER. You will be surprised at how different and better the world will look now that she is not in the way (her choice, right?), after you get over the hurt, and disappointment of this break up.

[ZoeMarie]

Cat suggested a great book. Good call. Everyone has different ways of showing love. It's important for couples to understand that.

The problem isn't that you need to change though. You should never have to "change" for someone. To grow/mature, sure, but to actually change who you are and how you show affection is another story. You'll meet someone down the road that understands and is more compatible so don't worry about changing.