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soccerchick · Jul 9, 2011, 03:37 PM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years now. Lately we have been having a lot more problems than before. He had problems with drinking for example once he starts he won't stop drinking and of course like any person when they drink a lot they tend to be more talkative than usual, when he drinks he tends to talk to a lot of girls in a flirt way and sometimes he touches them in a way it makes me feel uncomfortable.
He has made me feel at time really insecure of myself. My boyfriend is not a very attractive person everybody always told me since the beginning I can do better than him, but I love him. He has made me feel insecure of myself when he use to call me other girls names or he when he flirt with girls when he is drunk, he also cheated on me our first year of relationship he made out with some other girl
He will be turning 21 and that is the reason why he wants to go to a bar. Things have been really intense between us lately and I don't think going to a bar right now will be a good idea. Especially when there will be tons of girls and he will most likely get drunk. Am I wrong for not wanting to go to a bar and tell him we shouldn't go?

HurtScorpio · Jul 9, 2011, 03:48 PM

Not only would I not go to a bar with him, I woulg give him the gift of good bye for his birthday and I speak from experience. I spent ages 18-32 with the "love of my life" who I married and divorced due to his drinking which progressed over the years into alcoholism and then 2 instances of physical abuse -never thought that would happen. He has already cheated on you anf flirts with other girls to the point where he calls you other girls names. I did not have to deal with another woman and it was still a living hell. Please, I beg you for your own sake to get out of this and do not waste your best years while you have the opportunity. I never listened and now I am rebuilding my life at 36. Four years is awhile but he definitely has a problem and don't try to fix him either because unless he wants to stop, he won't. Don't listen to empty ppromises -I did for a long time -LIES, LIES, LIES. Touching other girls makes you uncomfortable? Are you kidding me? Why are you accepting this? Why do you not love yourself enough to look at this and say ,"If my best friend wrote this, what would I TELL HER." GET OUT NOW!!

Fr_Chuck · Jul 9, 2011, 04:10 PM

I will agree, you are dating a person with a drinking problem, and now that he can buy it legally, it will only get worst.

No most people don't get drunk and if they drink a few too many they don't start touching other women and flirting.

He is aware of what he does, and just does not care enough about you. If he did care about you, he would choose you over his drinking.

I would agree let him go to that bar on his birthday alone.

Cat1864 · Jul 9, 2011, 04:48 PM

It doesn't matter how attractive someone else finds him if you like his looks. There is so much more to a person than just their appearance. Though, from what you say of his behavior, I do agree with your friends if they mean you could find someone who would treat you better.

That said, he has a drinking problem. A bar is the last place he should be at any point in time especially on his birthday when not only is it legal for him to be drinking, but others will probably want to buy him a drink.

You don't say how old you are. Are you at least 21? What are his expectations for the evening? Is he expecting you to be his designated driver and guardian angel?

Does he understand how much he has messed up in the past while drinking? Does he understand what is at stake if he can't control himself?

I realize you have four years of history with him and you say that things have been 'intense' between you 'lately'. Does that mean things have been going well recently?

Ask him if he is willing to give up a good relationship for a chance that he might get drunk and start playing games with other women as he has in the past. Let his answer be your guide. If he understands the point you are trying to make and is willing to give up going to the bar, see if you can come up with a compromise. If he thinks he can handle himself just because he is now 21 and 'mature', walk away and don't look back. He needs to hit rock bottom on his own without using you as as a cushion.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

soccerchick · Jul 9, 2011, 05:58 PM

Sorry ladies I forgot to mention I'm 21 and he's just going to turn 21 as well. After the third year I told him if he didn't stop drinking I was going to leave him and I was tired and sick of him drinking. He did stop drinking every weekend and whenever he'll drink he will only drink 3 beers or so. Things were going great with us that he gave me a promise ring 5 months ago. I think not trusting him is causing us not argue. I'm just scared that if we go to the bar he will find other girls more attractive or he'll do something.

soccerchick · Jul 9, 2011, 06:01 PM

Sorry I forgot to mention I'm 21 and he's just going to turn 21 as well. After the third year I told him if he didn't stop drinking I was going to leave him and I was tired and sick of him drinking. He did stop drinking every weekend and whenever he'll drink he will only drink 3 beers or so. Things were going great with us that he gave me a promise ring 5 months ago. I think not trusting him is causing us not argue. I'm just scared that if we go to the bar he will find other girls more attractive or he'll do something.

HurtScorpio · Jul 9, 2011, 06:34 PM

Do you have an Al-Anon (for families or anyone close to an alcoholic) and I am not referring to AA which is for the alcoholic. Alcoholics are very manipulative with just about everything they do and in those meetings you learn a lot and you learn whether you want to stay and live with the behavior which every alcoholic displays in one form or another or to leave. My ex made all kinds of promises -drink only certain days, just a 6 pack in the refrigerator, then eventually he found ways to hide it, he would be putting vodca in his soda as it had no odor for years and I knew something was up because of his behavior but he denied it. Then I would see empty cans or bottles in his car, once found an empty bottle in the closet, He would say he was working late and would be at the bar. They find a way no matter what and you can blind yourself to it but he is not going to stop no matter how much he loves you because it isn't about you. You may have to learn the hard way but I hope not.