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    hheath541's Avatar
    hheath541 Posts: 2,762, Reputation: 584
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    #1

    Jul 7, 2011, 03:59 PM
    numb
    what do you do when you suddenly realize that the only reason you're alive is because you don't know how not to be? Not because you're particularly attached to living, or have anything to really live for. You simply don't know how to let go.

    I have basically nothing tying me to this life. I have no job. I almost never see or talk to my family, and never about the things that really matter. Of the people I still count as friends, I'm not even sure they would notice if I were gone. The only ones who really depend on me are my cats. Some days, they're the only reason I even get up all day.

    there are days when I don't even bother to eat. I shower only when I can't stand myself anymore. I clean only when I have to. Bills get paid late, or not at all, because I just can't be bothered to go out to do so.

    I wouldn't say I'm depressed. That would imply that I feel SOMETHING. I don't really. It's been forever since I felt something I would call a real emotion. Even then, it's always fleeting. I'm not even sure I'm capable of real emotions. I can't remember a time when I felt anything other than mostly numb.

    if I had to guess, I'd say I was about eight or nine.

    when I was about 10, I tried to kill myself. I don't think I really wanted to die. I just wanted to stop hating myself, and for everyone else to stop hating me. I just wanted to be SEEN and have someone realize that I was there and in pain and to do SOMETHING to fix it. So, I tried to strangle myself.

    turns out, that's impossible. I was sitting on the couch next to my mother. Don't even remember what we were talking about, but I was probably upset over her not doing anything about my brother torturing me. It doesn't really matter, anymore. I just remember wrapping my hands around my neck and pressing it into my knees as hard as I could. I held on as long as I could, until I got so lightheaded I almost passed out and didn't have to the strength anymore. My mother just sat there watching me. After I let go, she just asked me, 'are you done yet?' like I had been throwing a small temper tantrum over not getting the toy I wanted, not like her daughter had just tried to strangle herself.

    she never mentioned it again, and I realized (at least in my 10 year old brain) that she just wouldn't care if I did kill myself.

    I think that's probably about the time I realized my feelings weren't important enough to talk about. That no matter what I felt or cared about, no one would care enough to pay attention long enough really understand and try to make it better.

    maybe that's when I became numb. Maybe I just learned to bury my emotions so deep, that even I can't find find them. After all, if it's not OK to talk about your emotions, then it's not OK to have them.

    I know I learned to hide what I was feeling.

    it wasn't safe to be happy, because anything that made me happy was taken away. My brother destroyed, stole, and mocked anything and everything he even thought I might enjoy. My mother took away the one thing he couldn't ruin, the one thing that brought me even a little happiness and peace, as punishment whenever I broke a rule.

    being angry just wasn't an option. Yelling got me in trouble, no matter what the reason. Any physical expression of anger got me in even more trouble, and usually meant my brother beating on me.

    I learned at a very young age, five or six, that crying was never OK. Crying got me yelled at and called a baby. Later, crying only meant my brother would hit me harder, yell louder, and use worse insults. Clearly, being sad was not an option.

    I learned not to show emotions. Not to have them. Emotions were bad. They meant pain, in one form or another. Happiness was turned against me and ripped away. Anger meant punishment and pain. Sadness only made me a target for more pain. It was safer not to let anyone know what I was feeling. Not to weakness. Not to care. About anything. In any way.

    I was finally learning that at least happiness was an OK emotion, right before it all got ripped away and thrown back in my face. I had friends I counted closer than family. I was in love. I was in college and loved my classes and major.

    then my relationship blew up and my heart was torn to shreds, set on fire, and spit on. So, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I internalized it. I buried all the hurt and anger and pain as deep as I could, and I never talked about.

    after all, I thought it was finally OK to be happy, and that had proved wrong. There was no way it was OK for me to be sad or angry or upset.

    I went numb.

    I started to withdraw. I stopped talking to my friends as much, and rarely about anything important. I flunked classes because I couldn't pull myself out long enough to do the assignments.

    so, I tried to start over. I transferred schools. I stopped living in dorms, and lived with friends full-time.

    it didn't work.

    I didn't fail anymore classes, but I withdrew even further into myself. I stopped talking to my friends unless they started it. I stayed in my room most of the time.

    then summer came. Suddenly, there wasn't even school to draw me out. I stopped talking to everyone, if it could be at all avoided. I stopped coming out of my room, unless it was to eat or use the bathroom. I bottled it all up so tight and buried it so deep that NOTHING could get out.

    I tried, a few times, to fix it, but I didn't know how. Efforts to come back out and interact were either ignored or used as opportunities to berate me for withdrawing in the first place. No one bothered to ask why. No one made the effort to come to me. It was like they expected me to do all the work, without understanding I didn't know HOW.

    finally, I was given a choice. Either I let myself be essentially kidnapped (tied up and forced unwillingly into a vehicle) and dropped off with my mother, or I do something about it. So, I left. I packed a bag and started walking. I took what little control over my own life that I could, and I left everything else behind.

    that night, I lost everything. Everything I had ever owned. All the friends I long counted as family. The one place I had come to believe where I was safe from being hurt, attacked, lied to, stolen from, and made to feel like less than. The one place where I thought it was safe to be myself. All the progress I'd made in learning to trust myself and others.

    they proved to be just the latest in a long line of people who betrayed and abandoned me. Either there's something about me that pushes people away and makes them lie to me, steal from me, and use what they know to cause me pain, or I have supremely bad judgement. Either way, it became clear that it's just not safe for me to let people in and become attached and vulnerable.

    I spent the next six months working to build a life for myself. Doing what I could to have a place to live and a way to support myself. I made no effort to make friends or build attachments, and did little to foster the few I still had.

    now, more than a year later, I'm no better off. I have a place to live. I have enough to survive, barely. I have my cats. I have a family that knows almost nothing that goes on in my life, beyond funny cat stories. I have friends that only know a little more. Both live at least 3 hours away.

    and I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I'm still alive at all is because I just don't know how to not be. Or, maybe, it's because I learned all those years ago that I'm not important enough for it to matter if I die.

    I'm just numb.

    I let people float in and out of my life without making an effort to either draw them in or keep them there. While I miss having close friends to spend time with and talk to, it's just not worth the pain in the end. I can't think of a single person who picked me over something or someone else. I've always been the expendable one, so it's safer not to have anyone close enough that they'll have to make that choice.

    I can go weeks, or months, without talking to anyone but store cashiers. I do go months without touching another human being.

    some days I am so starved for human contact I sleep just so I don't have to feel lonely. I dream of conversations so real that I have to seriously think if they actually happened or not. I spend all my time reading, and the characters tend to feel more real to me than the actual people around me. I'm 12 again, and living almost entirely in my head (without actually thinking about and processing the things that need to be).

    I just don't know any other way to be. Any way that's safe. Any way that hasn't always ended in pain and betrayal.

    I don't know how to be a whole person. I don't know how to feel. I don't even know if it's possible, anymore. Maybe it's too late. Maybe I finally succeeded in killing that part of myself, instead of just burying it. Maybe it was never there to begin with, and I just made it up to make myself feel more real.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #2

    Jul 7, 2011, 04:32 PM

    Heath--you NEED to see a counselor.

    I know that's hard--nearly IMPOSSIBLE--when you don't have a job or insurance, but you will not learn to break the walls you've built around yourself until you do.

    Call the Hopeline--1-800-442-HOPE. They can refer you to resources in your area.

    I had no idea that you had so much pain and hopelessness inside of you. I have always liked you, and admire your way with cats. I just thought you were one of those people that didn't make friends with people online very much.

    I would very much miss you if you were not around! I love your cat stories, and I have hoped and worried about you and your job situation for some time now. Besides, you share my same great name!

    While I know that every last one of us here cares about you and we're more than happy to listen to you and try to help, we are simply not trained well enough to give you the kind of long-term help that you need. You ARE suffering from depression--it's not just sadness that is depression, but the numbness and need to walk away from everything play very much into it. I never get suicidal when my depression flares up--I get numb and just don't feel like anything or anyone is worth the effort. I want to run away from my life and start all over where no one knows me, but that would just be way too much effort. I sleep a lot when I'm suffering from depression, and get angry when others try to pull me out from behind my walls---even though that's EXACTLY what I want them to do in some weird twisted way.

    Please contact a counselor. A good counselor can help you with coping mechanisms so that you are not dependent on medications--though medications can help as well.

    In addition, it's next to impossible to get a job when suffering from deep depression. The motivation is not there, and employers can sense that.

    Call the Hopeline. I care about you, and I wish I were closer so that I could do more to help you break your walls down enough to see that happiness is worth coming out to the sun.
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    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #3

    Jul 7, 2011, 04:50 PM

    Heath, I care. I know that's not much, but count me on that list of people who do care, and I think you'll be very surprised when you see how many others are on that list.

    I agree with Synn. You need counseling, and I hope you can find a way to get it.

    I was a lot like you, the only difference, I'm not numb, I feel things too much, and for much of my life I was clinically depressed. Thank Dog for meds, and I have to say, those meds have made a huge difference, counseling did too.

    You're in a rut, you're stuck doing the same thing every day. It's hard not to continue doing that. So I challenge you to change your stars. I know you're up for the challenge.

    Tomorrow I want you to do something different. It doesn't have to be huge. Go for a walk, do a craft, clean your bathroom, make something great for lunch, call a friend, post something positive on Facebook. One thing. Just one.

    The next day, I expect you to do two different things. Put on a favorite outfit and take a picture of yourself. Color your hair. Go pick flowers. Read about something that interests you.

    Third day, three different things.

    The point is to get out of the rut, the everyday. Once you do that, and commit yourself to it, you'll be amazed at how quickly life can change for you.

    Until then, know that I'm one of many that cares about you, misses you when you're not here, and would miss you if you didn't return. I know we've never met, but you are important to me. After all, you're the keeper of that little stinker Alty cat! :)

    (hugs)
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    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
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    #4

    Jul 7, 2011, 05:09 PM

    Hheath, I totally care about you! I missed you when you stopped posting. I asked about you and I messaged you on fb, I thought you only could access fb through a phone, and if it was anything like my phone it's a total B to post from. Hheath I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I could come to you and hug you and tell you how much you matter and how important you are. I really missed chatting with you on fb. We had some good talks. I would very much miss you if you were not around.

    I've never been the best judge of character myself, and seem to be forever judged on a few silly mistakes that I have made in the past. I know how it feels to be alone. But if I never took a chance on those people than I wouldn't understand what it's like to be a good friend. I know I have made foolish mistakes in my life, some of which still haunt me, and are still thrown in my face. I can understand what it would have been like with your mother, because she seems very much like my own mother.

    You're in a bad place right now, and you need to know, that things aren't always going to be like that. Not all people are bad and are out to get you. You said it yourself your other friends didn't understand what you were going through. For someone who has never experienced depression (or numbness) then it's hard for them to understand someone else going through it. It sounds like your friends were genuinely concerned about you, and again for people who have never had a mother like yours (or mine) it's hard to believe how heartless they can be.

    I am not good with words, that's why I'm always playing with the dogs. But I too have always admired you for how intelligent you are and your knowledge of so many things. You are a bright, funny, beautiful young lady with an entire future ahead of you. Don't give up now.

    I too hope you can get the counseling you need. This world will miss such a wonderful person as you.
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    southamerica Posts: 667, Reputation: 400
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    #5

    Jul 7, 2011, 05:37 PM

    Hheath I don't believe we've ever interacted on AMHD before, but your post choked me up.

    I know that you're a respected expert around here, and you have a lot to offer.

    I don't know if you like books... but tomorrow, Friday the 8th, you should shower, go to the library, and check out a good book. I just finished reading The Alchemist for the second time. It always seems to give me hope, maybe it will for you too.

    I really, really hope you call the Hopeline, thank you so much for reaching out. Your life and happiness is very much worth you fighting for it, I promise. I can tell by the way these women before me have told you how much they care about you... that you are worth it. You're worth waking up in the morning, you're worth a smile, you're worth a conversation, you're worth fighting for.
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    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #6

    Jul 7, 2011, 06:26 PM

    I'm counting the people that posted here, all people that do care about you. That's a lot of people.

    Heath, we've never met in person, and we likely never will (being realistic), but you are a person I consider a friend. I only wish I could be sitting on your couch with you, doing your nails, petting the kitties, and helping you through this.

    Thing is, you don't need me there. You've survived worse, and you'll get through this. I know you will! You are made of some tough stuff dear. Remember that! Know that! Now do what you have to do to get through this.

    Yes, that's an order. Pretty please? ;)
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    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #7

    Jul 7, 2011, 07:10 PM

    Oh, Heath, I have been concerned about you for a while now. I agree with Synn that counseling is a MUST!

    Girl... look at where you came from just 2 years ago. At least you have an apartment and cats now. I remember when you used the library during the day and froze at night, back when you were homeless.

    Jobs are hard to come by right now. It's not just you, it's the economy. As a matter of fact, I'm supporting my family right now as we lost a multi million dollar business, thus my husband lost his job.

    Counseling is not as unreachable as you may think. I KNOW there is a university/college near you that has a psych department. You can go there and get some help for free.

    Just because we aren't tangible or touchable, doesn't mean we aren't your friends. We ARE here for you. We do love and care for you!
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #8

    Jul 8, 2011, 07:50 AM

    I've been thinking about you and praying to the Goddess that you are all right since you posted this.

    You matter. Please believe that.

    The psych department at a college or university is a great resource--you could definitely follow up on that! Walk-in clinics also generally will give you referrals to a place that is able to help.

    Another resource is social services in your area. Not necessarily the state social services, but Catholic Social Services and Lutheran Social Services will help regardless of religious affiliation.

    Please post back--I just want to know you're okay.
    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
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    #9

    Jul 8, 2011, 07:52 AM

    Yes please post, just so we know you are here.
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    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #10

    Jul 8, 2011, 08:12 AM

    You rock heather, your one of the coolest people on amdh, you may not realise it but you put yourself into your posts, when you help people who need advice, you put love and care into your animals, you're a survivor, no doubt about it, but you also have more to give, your scars are the marks of experience.

    We already know you have courage, so grab onto it again, dig heath, put your shoulder to it and find someone to talk to in real time, you deserve it and your worth it.
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    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #11

    Jul 8, 2011, 01:20 PM

    Hi hheath,

    Sorry to hear such a valued member was having such a hard time, as I wondered where you had gotten to since you haven't visited and lent your great advice AND humor around the way you have been. We all had no idea that you were in the place you are. But we all care that a family member is suffering and we do want to help.

    Please listen to your sisters, (and brothers) and take hope that we all support you, and you better let us know that even if you ain't listening you heard us. Heck as many as you have helped since you have been here, no way will we allow you to feel alone in YOUR time of need.

    You have reached out, keep reaching, and trust me, we are here and will not let you down, and hope you at least see a doctor. They work wonders when the brain chemistry is a bit off.

    Let us know you are okay, the sooner the better. We are so worried.
    hheath541's Avatar
    hheath541 Posts: 2,762, Reputation: 584
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    #12

    Jul 8, 2011, 06:26 PM
    I had a big, long response all typed out, and my browser crashed, taking it all with it. So, I'll do it again, offline this time, and post it the next time I'm at the Internet.
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    albear Posts: 1,594, Reputation: 222
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    #13

    Jul 9, 2011, 03:56 PM
    Heath I'm going to suggest to you 3 options that I chose from when I was in a very similar situation.

    Option 1: Fight
    Option 2: Freeze
    Option 3: Flight

    As human beings we are animals, and every animal, EVERY animal responds to anything in one of three different ways.

    Fight, Flight or Freeze

    What you have to do is determine from your current situation is what they actually mean.

    They might have a different meaning for you but this is what they meant to me when I was in that position.

    Fight –doing something that changed how I saw myself, to change my outlook that I had no reason for living, even just the tiniest bit, just enough so that I could ask myself what my options were and get different answers.

    Freeze – Staying the same not changing things and carrying on (for me this was not really an option)

    Flight – simple, this option meant suicide, it seemed to be the only way to run away from where I was.

    I want you to know that seeing a counselor will not necessarily fix anything, but still id agree with Synn and the others that you should please go and speak with your doctor. Who will be able to offer you ways to help yourself.

    Ive seen councillors, therapists, and a psychologist, the last one was who I felt had the most impact and who described that he saw me as scared and frightened and that id resorted to my basic instincts and reacted the only way I knew how, to shut myself away, to not risk interaction because it risked being hurt.

    The way I see it, although our experiences differ, we have both used those same basic instincts to react in the same way.

    When I went to see a counselor it just didn't work, but I continued going to see her, because I didn't know what else to do, what other options I had at that point, and to be honest it felt good to just have some kind of human interaction.

    So if you do see someone to help you change things, and its not working, it can still help in other ways, just to have that change from what you were doing before.

    Heath I do not believe you've killed any part of yourself, only buried it so deep and forgotten how to reach into it. Hopefully if you continue seek help, (as you have here by posting ) you will be able to unlock the feelings you'd thought you'd lost and OK you might get hurt again, there is always a risk of that happening, but they are worth the risk :)
    hheath541's Avatar
    hheath541 Posts: 2,762, Reputation: 584
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    #14

    Jul 10, 2011, 06:46 PM

    Syn,

    I know I need a counselor. I've known for years. It's just not possible. I don't qualify for public health care, and I've pretty much exhausted the resources available to me in the area.

    Since I don't any health care coverage and am not an immediate threat to myself and/or others, I qualify to see a psychiatrist on a limited basis. Limited, as in 15 minutes every 6 weeks. I don't qualify for counseling of any kind. My sessions are spent explaining that I'm not actively suicidal (anything less is just kind of glossed over and ignored) and talking about how my meds are working.

    The type of meds I can get is extremely limited, too. Basically, I have a choice between cymbalta and lexapro. Cymbalta makes me extremely nauseous for about 12-16 hours after I take it. Lexapro just makes my dreams more vivid and easily remembered (which I must admit I do enjoy). Both are primarily anti-anxiety meds.

    Anxiety is just about the opposite of my problem. I've never been a highly emotional and anxious person. Even when I was little, I tended to be the calm one in the family. I don't need meds to moderate emotional extremes, when I don't HAVE emotional extremes.

    If anything, I'm hyper-cerebral. I can over-think and out-think just about any situation. I don't make snap decisions, and almost never make a decision without thinking it over for as long as it takes for me to be absolutely sure. My instant gut reaction in any situation has been, for as long as I can remember, has always to play it off until I think about it more clearly.

    The problem is that I can over-think and out-think just about any situation. I either think myself into circles and dig myself a giant hole to bury myself in, or I make light of things I really should be thinking about and dealing with. It's very easy for me to withdraw and live almost entirely inside my own head, and hard to get back out.

    I'm very familiar with the anger. I think that was the last straw a couple years ago. I got tired of being ignored and then told I needed to fix things, without being told HOW or them trying to meet me part-way. It wouldn't even have taken half-way. Just asking me WHY I was acting the way I was, and honestly listening to my answer, instead of threatening me and telling me to 'grow up and get over yourself.' I finally just blew up.

    No one wanted to listen when I wanted to talk. I just kept hearing, 'grow up and get over yourself,' 'stop letting the past effect you,' 'stop feeling sorry for yourself,' 'you need to start acting like a normal human being.' it was made out like I was doing it on purpose, just to get attention, or something. Like I was a three year old throwing a tantrum over not getting the candy bar I wanted.

    I was constantly being told I was an adult and needed to act like one, but then I was treated like a child. I was lectured in the same tone of voice as the ten year old. I was talked to like a child who was misbehaving, and expected to react like an adult.

    I got tired of it. Tired of being ignored. Tired of being threatened with being shipped off to my mother. Tired of being treated like a child while being expected to act like an adult. Tired of being expected to be the one to fix myself, when I didn't know HOW and no one would tell me or help me or act like they actually cared if I did or not. Tired of being made to feel like everything was my fault. Tired of not being allowed to talk about the things that bothered me, either because it was in the past (and I was expected to leave the past behind me) or because it was made clear early on that certain subjects were not to be talked about (because they were uncomfortable for them or they just weren't supposed to mean that much to me).

    And then I was thrown out like an unwanted pest. I could either submit to being basically kidnapped and shipped off to my mother against my will (I was calmly informed that if I refused to go quietly, that I would be tied up and placed forcibly into the vehicle), or I could do something about it. So, I left. And lost everything.

    Then I was too busy just trying to cope and make some sort of life on my own to dwell on anything. No one understood. They just kept asking why I didn't want to go home to my family. Catholic charities kept trying to convince me to let them buy me a bus ticket. I was asked, repeatedly, why I wanted to be so far away from my support system.

    No one understood that my family has never been my support system. They thought that because my mother didn't beat me, or starve me, or disown me, that there was no reason for me to not want to live there. Just because my mother wasn't abusive or neglectful, doesn't mean she was supportive.

    I was pretty much left to my own devices when it came to my brother. He would insult me, beat me, steal from me, destroy my things, and do anything and everything he could think of to make my life a living hell. My mom had college classes when I was younger, and work after that, that meant she couldn't always be there. Even when she was, he never listened. After awhile, it just became easier for her to punish (at least it felt like punishment, to me) me when he started in on me.

    'stop antagonizing him.'
    'just stop talking to him and read your book.'
    'heather, just go to your room.'
    'don't argue with your brother.'
    'heather, go to your room.'
    'just ignore him.'
    'i know he started it, but you didn't have to react to him.'
    'i don't care who started it, just go to your room.'
    'it doesn't matter, just go to your room.'
    'i don't care what your brother did, if you can't prove it then I can't punish him.'
    'if I didn't see it, I can't punish him for it.'
    'you know your brother never listens to me. It's just easier if you go to your room.'
    'i can't do anything about that, just ignore him.'
    'you can't prove he stole your money.'
    'what do you expect me to do? Grounding him doesn't work.'
    'I'm tired of arguing with him, just forget about it.'
    'just try not to do anything to get on his nerves.'

    It didn't matter what he did. The standard response was for me to just let it go. Forget about. Stop annoying him. Stop reacting. Go to my room. It didn't matter that he would seek me out to cause problems (to the extent of climbing across the porch roof and in my bedroom window to beat on me, or stabbing me with a knife under the door when I sat against it to keep it shut). It didn't matter I almost never did anything to start it. It didn't matter that he picked fights over things like the spoon clicking against my teeth while I ate, that I was sitting by the fan so not all the air reached him (on 90+ degree days in an upstairs apartment with no ac), or I said I didn't like a TV show he liked. It didn't matter he eventually stopped making excuses at all and would just start yelling at me and hitting me whenever the mood struck him.

    She couldn't control him, so I was the one that was expected to remove myself from the situation. It was my job to apologize. I was expected to leave before he could escalate things to physical violence. If he followed me to my room, then I was expected to just shut myself in and do my best to keep him out and ignore him.

    No, my mother wasn't abusive or neglectful. She was just overwhelmed.

    I still grew up in domestic violence. I still grew up fearing for my life on more than one occasion (I remembering hiding behind the couch and writing out my will with chalk on a piece of cardboard because I was SURE he was going to kill me. I was nine.). But, because it was my brother, and not a parent, it gets written off as sibling rivalry.

    People wonder why I don't confide in or go to my mother for support.



    Alty,

    I will try to do something different when I can. I can't promise everyday, but I can promise to try.

    It's just hard when I have almost no resources, and no one to share things with.

    Creating has always been a big part of who I am. I love to see a pile of stuff turn into something real. The satisfaction of knowing, 'i did that.' I just don't have the supplies anymore. I'm an artist without the means to create art. I have thread, ribbon, tape, a glue stick, colored pencils, and a bunch of acorns. I know ceramic work (my preferred medium) is far beyond my means, but I just don't have the supplies to do anything else, either.

    Doing things by myself is just lonely. Cooking for myself is more effort than it's worth, and I'm really not a good cook. Going out means watching people having fun with their family and friends. I spend all day, everyday, with myself. By myself. Spending time around people I don't know while they interact and have fun just drives home the fact that I don't have that.



    Bella,

    Yeah, I disappeared forever ago because I no longer have Internet at home. I try to get online for a few hours at least once a week, but it doesn't give me time to participate in the chat forums, anymore. I try to at least keep up with the cats forum, but even that's hard.

    My world has shrunk to texts and text alerts on my phone. I may not have TV or Internet, and very limited talking minutes each month, but I have unlimited texting and Internet on my phone. Internet on my phone sucks, though. Imagine everything you do on a 1inch screen, and taking forever to load. Facebook on my phone is VERY basic. Amhd doesn't work on it, at all. If a page is too long, or contains too much data, then it just cuts off suddenly, usually mid-sentence of whatever I'm trying to read.

    I communicate almost exclusively through text updates to Facebook and twitter, nowadays. If it doesn't show up on my phone, I probably know nothing about it (the first I heard about the caylee anthony trial was when my phone started getting a bunch of outraged updates about the verdict. I still have no idea what it was actually about).

    It's easy to become isolated when you lack the means to keep in touch and up to date with the rest of the world.



    Southy,

    I love reading. It has always been my escape. I used to get so caught up in a book that I wouldn't see or hear anything going on around me. My teachers learned that the only way to let me know silent reading time was over, in grade school, was to walk over and physically take the book out of my hands and lay it on my desk. While I no longer get that caught up in stories, most of the time, it's still easy for characters to start feeling more real to me than the rest of the world.

    I spend most of my time reading. Honestly, there's not much else to do when you don't have TV or Internet.

    Even when I went to summer camp, as a kid, I always took at least two thick books with me. I got in trouble more times than I can count for reading during class, and even for reading ahead of the rest of the class more than once. I've always absorbed reading like a air, and it's felt just as vital at more than one point in my life.



    j,

    I know. I am more than grateful that I now have a home, and my amazing cats.

    I didn't know that colleges provided counseling through their psych departments. I'll have to look into it. Even a student trying out their shiny new shrink-teeth is better than what I have now.



    Synn,

    No walk-in clinics in the area. The closest one would probably be an hour's drive. I live in the poorest part of the state, there just aren't resources for programs like that to operate.

    No lutheran social services, and catholic charities would just refer me to the program I am already in. they just can't do more than the 15 minutes every 6 weeks that I qualify for. Even that is only because I tried to check myself into the psych ward when I became homeless.



    Tal,

    I didn't disappeared by choice. I stopped having Internet at home MONTHS ago. Having to use public wi-fi connections means I don't have the time to socialize on here like I used to. I generally spend a handful of hours online at least once a week, which just isn't enough time to be able to hang out in the chat forums.

    I try to keep up with my email, check on the cat forum here, and watch the few shows I follow. I save anything that requires in-depth or extended reading to do offline at home. Everything else is either prioritized or ignored.

    There just isn't time for everything when I don't have a constant Internet connection.
    DrBill100's Avatar
    DrBill100 Posts: 3,241, Reputation: 502
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    #15

    Jul 10, 2011, 07:22 PM

    I don't believe I have ever seen anyone that can so precisely put together a history of cause and effect as you have in your two posts. I have read hundreds of professionally penned case histories that are far less informative.

    I understand your reluctance toward counselors and medication. But in case you are time limited I'm going to skip through everything else and pose one question to you: What do you think would help to improve your situation?
    hheath541's Avatar
    hheath541 Posts: 2,762, Reputation: 584
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    #16

    Jul 10, 2011, 07:40 PM

    Like I said, I'm very cerebral. I've had a lot of time and opportunity to think about things in the past decade, or so. I know why and how I am the way I am, I just don't know how to fix it. Psychology is interesting, but I don't think ANYONE can self administer therapy.

    I have nothing against counseling, or medication. In fact, I would welcome the opportunity to work with an actual therapist. I just don't have the resources to see one.

    If there were meds, that I was actually able to get, that could help, I'd take them. I just know that anti-anxiety pills are pretty much worthless.

    It's just that without any sort of health care or insurance, counseling and med are beyond my means.

    I will be looking into j's suggestion of the local college's psych department, though. First, I have to see if they even HAVE one. I don't mind being part of a case study, if it means getting therapy.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #17

    Jul 10, 2011, 07:54 PM

    Have you ever gone to the ER at the local hospital, talked with a social worker about getting counseling?

    Are you on a computer now with an Internet connection?

    Could you whomp up some artsy idea with the smooth stones or drift wood from the lake shore and sell them somewhere, on consignment?
    DrBill100's Avatar
    DrBill100 Posts: 3,241, Reputation: 502
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    #18

    Jul 10, 2011, 07:55 PM

    The mood stabilizers are a puzzle to me as well. Particularly in the presence of the psychic numbing you outline. It also seems to me that you might think right past most therapists.

    Recovery has to begin somewhere. It must be something that you are willing to accept... hopefully have some confidence in.

    If it could be arranged to have an 1) evaluation and followed by 2) an agreed on approach (by that I mean a therapist that works with you and considers your thoughts and in-put, collaborative) do you think that would be a starting point?

    J_9s recommendation is also excellent because University teaching hospitals or schools have evaluation programs second to none.

    While I can't guarantee anything there are resources available... it's a process of locating them in a given region. If that is something you would be interested in I could look into the matter in your area. Please let us know as you proceed.
    hheath541's Avatar
    hheath541 Posts: 2,762, Reputation: 584
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    #19

    Jul 10, 2011, 08:44 PM

    yes, I've been to the er, that's how I ended referred to the program/practice I'm part of. I just don't qualify for much, since I don't have insurance of any kind. Everyone just tells me that they could help more if I had health care coverage, and maybe I should apply for public health care.

    I don't QUALIFY for public health care. In order to qualify I would need to be younger than 19, older than 65, have a documented disability, or be pregnant and/or have children under the age of 19.

    because, non-parents between the ages of 19 and 65 with no documented disabilities clearly don't NEED health care. Let's ignore the fact that most illnesses show up between those ages, and that means you go moth of your life without health care of any kind. That doesn't matter. Not here. Here in Ohio you either don't get sick or hope you get sick enough to suddenly qualify.

    in case you can't tell, I'm just a BIT bitter on that subject. It doesn't help that I've had more than one person (including one who worked for a community assistance program) tell me that if I just got pregnant I could get so much more help (the idiot at the cap also suggested that I should just find a nice guy to live with instead of looking for housing assistance).


    yes, an evaluation and treatment plan would be a good starting point. As long as the evaluation includes more than a questionnaire that is clearly geared for people that aren't me.

    the last one I filled out was meant to pick up people who are bi-polar, paranoid, suicidal, or just plain delusional. Since I don't see things, have drastic mood swings, or actively want to kill myself, all the questionnaire showed was that I'm not off-the-wall crazy.

    oh, and the random questions on the end about my sex life, which focused on rather or not I have had any same-sex partners. Apparently, my homosexual sex life is supposed to have some immediate relevance to my mental health (which it doesn't).

    OK, I'm more than a bit disillusioned with public assistance groups, especially here. I don't know how many times I had people tell me that I just seemed too smart or clean or polite to be homeless. Because only stupid, dirty, rude people EVER end up homeless. By about the tenth time, I wanted to smack someone. I got about equal parts allusions that I would get more assistance if I dumbed myself down and acted more pathetic as ones that I was more likely to get aid because I didn't seem homeless. The thing is, those SAME people who made a big deal over my intelligence were the ones that would then continue by talking to me like I couldn't understand basic english and had flunked first grade, repeatedly.


    OK, rant over. I think. I just hate stupid people.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #20

    Jul 11, 2011, 02:53 PM

    OMG, Heather! You sound JUST like my father! I can relate on so many levels it would literally blow you away! However, I'm not going to go there and change the tune of this thread of yours, okay. If you want me to, I will, but only if you ask.

    Now, universities... As Dr.Bill has said, they are second to none. They can be BETTER than going to a "regular" therapist because these folks are new and unjaded. They are fresh, have new ideas and new concepts. They have to follow all of the rules because they are being monitored and graded. This is where my father started getting his help. At the University of Michigan. He was then hospitalized, then, rather than getting a bill, he got a check for $1.

    I don't know how to help you via the internet, I just want you to know that I am here for you. I will listen and help any way I can. I only wish I could adopt you so that I could give you my insurance.

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