[southamerica]

Forgive me if I missed this but what kind of therapy are you in to cope with your brother's attempted suicide? If you're not you really should be.

I lost a family member in 2005 when she was 8 years old and I wish I had seen a therapist because though my friends and family understood that I was traumatized, my actions still drove people away. If someone didn't call me back within an hour I went into hysterics thinking they had died. I really needed a professional then and if you're not seeing one now for this, you should... that way you can learn to cope with your feelings as opposed to letting them affect how you relate to others in your world.

[talaniman]

So what are you going to do about your own flaws, issues, and coping with your own feelings? At some point you have to stop making excuses for the actions of others, and rise above what you have been through, or drown in your own sh1t. That's a choice we all face.

[HurtScorpio]

Thank you for being the sole person who has not been judgemental, arrogant, or nasty in offering real ADVICE which is helpful and also giving me a resource. I have read a book on boundaries before as I used to attend Al-Anon and I believe my therapist or maybe even a friend suggested a good book for me but obviously I need another. You are right about the weight loss. I know 5 lbs. is not a lot. I think since I worked so hard in 1 week I wanted a "reward" so to speak and I had once been at 200 lbs. and went all the way to 133 via Weight Watchers so he saw a picture of me at my highest weight and he said he could not stand to look at the picture. I am about 150 now and want to be at 133 but in my 30's my body is fighting it badly. It likes to stay at 145 and 140 at the lowest so 133 is like super thin - maybe not to some but I am 5'8" and I am almost bony at that but he seems to think I looked good and it irritates me a bit because I know I will have to eat next to nothing to be 133.

That also includes at least a daily 1 hour workout which is OK when I am not working but once I start up work again I would be dying as I also have fibromyalgia which is not severe but certain days I ache and I am real tired. I am also understanding what you are saying that when I am constantly seeking love and affection from others it pushes them away which makes perfect sense. It would be smothering. I appreciate the way you word things as to not be hurtful or rude. I also appreciate your encouragement. You are right that I need to work on me and I think the others have said that but you are more respectful :-)

[QLP]

Ok, on the subject of boundaries. What weight are you happy at? If this isn't the weight that he thinks is ideal, what would someone with a healthy boundary on this issue do? Whose body is it?
If you are doing it more to meet his expectations then of course you expect a reward.
Who should you be doing it for?

The answers aren't difficult are they? It's seeing the questions in our own behaviour that's the tricky bit.

[J_9]

Yeah, you are a drama queen.

I grew up with an alcoholic father who was self-medicating his depression until he became sober. That's when he sought help for his depression.

As for your brother, I'm sorry he's on a feeding tube, truly I am. But at least he's ALIVE! Unlike my uncle who shot himself in the head only to be found 4 days later.

We have much more in common than you think we do. I'm being brutally honest with you because you don't need anything sugar coated. You NEED to hear the cold hard truth about your behavior.

[talaniman]

Your therapist may not tell you this but I will, because I care. Going through bad, hard, tough, times is not an excuse for bad selfish, impulsive behavior.

Believe it or not, you have full control over how you handle things.

[QLP]

I am guessing that you will see some of these comments as harsh, mean, arrogant etc. Can you understand that people are trying to give you tough love because they really do want to help?

J9 has shared some insights about shared experiences. I know from snippets other people have shared on here that we are a bunch of people who have lived through hard times ourselves. I don't know the full ins and outs of everyone's lives. Why? For the simple reason that they don't dwell but simply draw on small parts at times to try to help others.

The people talking to you aren't just quoting some textbook suggestions. They aren't picking on you for the hell of it. They are drawing on the fact that they have faced and overcome their own trials and tribulations in life. Many are still doing so. We genuinely want you to find a way to do the same.

Wonder why the tough part of the love? I can only speak for my own observations, but I see you reading the advice and not coming up with a single positive change but just more and more problems. More and more justifications for why you are stuck.

If something upsets you instead of working out what you can do to change it you fall back on 'well I'm upset because I'm sensitive.' So you expect others to amend their behaviour because of your sensitivity? How about working out what you can do to deal with it?

Airing problems is great, if you do so to find solutions. Going round and round citing more problems without really looking to work at the answers isn't helping you.

I'm going to suggest yet another resource for you to consider. Try reading up on self-limiting beliefs. Here is a snippet:

How to Overcome Limiting Beliefs

Don't just read it and expect everything to work out. Do some further reading of your own. Then, most importantly, work out how you can start to apply it to yourself. You can read a whole library full of self-help books and visit a hundred advice forums but unless you actually try doing some of the things suggested you won't see any change.

Find one piece of advice somewhere that makes some sense to you. Then try following it. Now. Not, 'I know I need to do that at some point.' Now.

I really hope you will come back and say you have tried something new. Even if it doesn't get the result you are hoping for, it will start to free you from repeating the same old patterns and give you a place to move forwards from.

[J_9]

Many times, and I speak from experience, a therapist will talk to you and ask you "how does that make you feel?"

Rather than that, sometimes it's the cold hard truth. The truth that hurts, the truth that makes you look deep inside yourself to decide if the current situation is something that is permanently acceptable or if changes should be made. Whether the changes be internal (attitude) or external (leaving the toxic environment).

Once my father admitted his depression and stopped drinking it was found that his depression was so profound that he was not only admitted to 3 different psychiatric hospitals, but also underwent electric shock therapy (EST).

The problem I see with the OP is that she and her significant other are in a transition period. One month is not but a blink of the eye in life. She also must realize that her SO (significant other) has never lived with another woman at the age of 38. Is there a reason for that? I think so. However, she has to give him time to adjust to the new living conditions. He needs to learn, over time, how to treat a live-in lover.

She also needs to realize that not all people are "affectionate." My husband, who is similar to her BF isn't, and I've had to learn to live with it and learn to embrace it for what it is.

One thing I am curious about is that she says that her boyfriend has OCD. Is this clinically diagnosed or is it a label placed on him by the OP because of his neatness tendencies?

[JudyKayTee]

I see a lot of self pity, "poor me" attitude here. Everyone gets some hard knocks in life. It's what you do/where you go from there that matters.

There are people on AMHD who have gone forward and become productive DESPITE (and maybe because) of what life has thrown at them.

I don't expect my husband to lie to me to make me feel better. If I ask him a question, I like an honest answer. If the jeans make my rear end look big, tell me!

[Cat1864]

I don't see sensitivity as the your main problem but the 'moodiness'.

What causes your moodiness? Hormones, bi-polar, depression, exhaustion, poor nutrition, lack of sleep, sleep disorders, perimenopause, boredom, etc... the list of possible causes goes on and on. Have you looked at other causes?

Why do you allow your 'moodiness' to control your life?

I think you are expecting your boyfriend to be more than financially stable. I think you are wanting him to be the emotionally stable influence in your life and he isn't and never has been. He has his own hang ups. He needs partner who is compromising and working with him. He needs to learn how to compromise and both of you need to learn how to communicate with each other.

You look at having separate homes or rooms as a set-back in the relationship. Why? Why is looking at the issues with a new perspective a set-back? Is it because you don't want to be alone? Is it because then he wouldn't be available to be a thorn in your side or the whipping boy for the problems you are going through? You do know what a 'whipping boy' is, don't you? A stand in for the real problem/person.

He doesn't understand depression. You had depression before you moved in with him. If he doesn't understand it now, he didn't then either, but the two of you decided it wasn't a big deal BEFORE you moved in. Why is it now?

Mourning for your brother who is alive isn't helping him or you. Expecting everyone to put their lives on hold for him isn't helping him. I can't believe that you got upset at everyone for not catering to one brother because the other brother experienced a milestone in his life. The one who graduated did not deserve to have his accomplishment overshadowed by the drama your other brother caused. So the one locked himself away from everyone else. His problem not theirs or yours. He has to learn to live in reality and he can't do that if he is treated like a 12th century manuscript.

I, personally, think you have more issues going on than either have been diagnosed or you are admitting to. Find a therapist/psychiatrist/doctor who is willing to put you under a microscope and look for deeper causes. If you don't understand why I make this suggestion read this thread as though it is a stranger's. Take your own emotions out of it. Look at where you say one thing but do another.

You said this:

Comments on J_9s post

OK -I am not going to give you a red for 1 reason only - your post was helpful.

But you did this on J's post:

HurtScorpio does not find this helpful : She stated that I should get off my pity potty for my brother's attempted suicide when he drank draino that almost killed him -he is still unable to eat food and is on a feeding tube and this was in3/2011. She said I was a spoiled rotten princess and

You gave her a red mark for whatever reason at the same time you said you weren't going to. Either you planned what you did or you acted out of anger and hurt without realizing what you were doing or saying. If you do that here, I can only wonder how often it happens with others in your life.

[Homegirl 50]

You two have to adjust to each other, he has to adjust to living with a person. You have issues you are expecting him to deal with and understand as well. That is a lot to ask and a lot to acclimate to after only a month.
You need help, not catering to. I'm not judging just calling things as I see them.

[JudyKayTee]

I came back on to edit my post but the thread has moved on and so I'm reposting. In answer to: "Well, I have been telling him to shut his mouth and then he says I am mean to him. ... Admittedly I am not easy to live with as I have been told by the 2 men who I have previous lived with and I am very moody, my moody change like the wind. I am probably as you mentioned above as well but really, should we just give up on everyone b/c every person you meet is going to have some type of problem really."


If this is an honest question, no, "we" shouldn't just give up on everyone because [please don't use text speak] every person you meet is going to have some type of problem really," BUT we SHOULD give up on people who know they have problems, refuse to change, expect "us" to deal with their problems and otherwise make "our" lives miserable.

You tell your boyfriend to shut his mouth? Never, never have I EVER said those words to a boyfriend or husband. Never. Never have those words been said to me. I'm not saying I haven't argued or bickered or whatever with boyfriends and husbands. I'm just saying I've never been in a disrespectful relationship. You tell him to shut up and you think HE should change, despite acknowledging your mood swings and personality "traits" which have made your past relationships difficult?

And I really came back to say that you could not be more off base in criticizing J9. She could teach you a lesson on survival when the going gets tough.

I see a big attitude on your part - and I see nothing that entitles you to that attitude. Nothing.

[HurtScorpio]

Alrighty then -anyone else like to whip me like Jesus and watch me bleed before they nail me to the cross until I die? HONESTLY - I am really afraid now to tell any of you the truth of my life because the more I tell the more I get beat down and called names, strangely, the more I open up on this forum the more salt gets added to the wound. That does not necessarily make me real comfortable. None of you know everything I have been through but I think if I tell you you will say oh, she is whiny or a drama queen or whatever. I get more assist from my cat. I feel like I am in high school. If I wanted crap thrown at me I would go back there. Not to say ALL of you are but some of you seriously need to realize not everyone deals with the same scenario in the same way. OK -ya want to know. Here goes and if you throw daggers expect karma back because I am frankly aggravated by hearing the same comments. When I was age 4, my parents decided to divorce. My mother had me when she was 18. So, she was then 22 and decided she would attend college and we moved in w/my grandparents. My older cousin came over every day to play cards and at age 5 he sexually molested me. Mom walked in and as I was trying to get away she basically said I should be ashamed of myself and not to do that again -my teen cousin was not said a word to. My mom tried to be a good mom but ignored me as an only child as she searched for a new man and went to college but tried to raise me. At age 9 she met my soon to be stepdad and they married when I was 12 and stepdad Hitler's reign began - I was verbally abused, accused of things I never did, at age 16 rebelled by wearing black and was "sent away" to bio dad for awhile who was also control freak nasty man. Mom watched stepdad hit me w/ a belt. I made A's/B's, was an introvert, but had a smart mouth and any disagreement was a swat. Accused of drinking/drugs/sex but did none-just liked boys w/long hair and that was wrong. So was the heavy music. His mom was an alcoholic and he was a "dry drunk". Left at 18 to go to college and met a guy I liked and when mom found out I had a boyfriend she physically attacked me stating I would ruin it all and that I either break it off w/him or she was not assistin w/tuition. So, I stayed w/him and we lived in a trailor forcing us together and shre cries as I move out. Meanwhile I watch this guy as time goes on drink more, do drugs and become the alcoholic/addict I marry not knowing at the time that he was Bipolar a well. Then several incidents of physical drama/breaking things on his part. Ended the marriage (lost my virginity to him) in 2009. Wanted to die and admitted myself into a hospital (long story there too w/mom not wanting stigma and physically throwing me against guiderail to prevent me from going into hospital!). Depressed since I was 16 no doubt. I have been dx w/OCD, depression, and most recent Bipolar 2 as I had 2 very professional successful jobs but now I am declining and my thoughts are becoming more odd. I do well for 3 weeks then lay in bed like a brick for 3 days wanting no contact. I become mean and hateful. Yet out of it I can be loving,kind,but yes I am VERY co dependent is the best way to say it. I have ALWAYS been even in friendships as a teen. He will not see a psychiatrist but saw mine once and she said no doubt OCD as agreed by his brother/sister in law more so "germaphobe".

[HurtScorpio]

PLEASE READ AS MY SECOND ANSWER:
I was unsure if I would have enough room so I wanted to explain my confusing day to get some imput please after my explanation of my dysfuntionality. We went to an amusement park. Fist event: I try to hold his hand and he says,"Oh...you are going too want me to hold your hand all day...aren't you?" My response: Shook my hand away and said,"Forget it." in my mind THINKING,"No, not my intent at all,just being a bit affectionate but God forbid I do THAT." Next incident he says to me,"You really need some sun on those legs." (my skin is pale as a ghost) and I say,"Not really b/c when all the tan people get wrinkled up like prunes and look old I willl look young and beautiful and by the way YOU are the only one who ever had a problem w/my skin tone." He looks away. Other strange oddities in the day where I felt defensive but this is what ruined the day. We went on a rollar coaster that just took me for a spin -I love them but this just terrified me. I don't know what happened but when I got off my eyes teared and I began crying like afool and tried to stop and did and then after seeing the photo we laughed and I said I needed a break. So we sat and he said," So, I guess you aren't going to go on"whatever" rollar coaster with me then (the worst in the park) and I said in that moment,"NO!" so he says," well, we might as well go home then because I am done. " I said,"Are you serious? Over one rollar coaster? You are being ridiculous." He then says," Well, that is all I really wanted to do." I said," I will go on then -you are acting like you are 15." He says then that he does not care and leads me in the opposite direction of any coasters. I then tell him again i will go on them and he says hedoes not want to so I look at a map and fing them -he seema bit more ok and we get in line. He says," You aren't going to FREAK OUT NOW ON THIS are you?" in a real nasty voice." So, I said," If your 5 year olf niece that adores you grew up anfd rode that rollar coasrer and got upset, I bet any money you would be more sympathetic to her than me." He said," WHAT would you bring that up for?" WHAT would you bring that up for?"B/C as always you have no sympathy for my feelings and are nasty but treat your family like gold." So, he says,"B/C as always you have no sympathy for my feelings and are nasty but treat your family like gold." So, I did before he blew up. He took off ahead of me and waited at the park entrance w/ a snoot on his face. I bought some things at the gift shop at somethng for him and when I showed him when we got home he says,"If this is gonna start turn around and walk out of this line and we are leaving NOW, now, now." So, I then gave him his gift which was going to be a Christmas gift and he replies,"At least you got what you wantted there." What the hell am I doing wrong? I offered w/in this on the way home to terminate the relationship and he says I want the easy way out instead of trying to just,"Well, it is nice you are thinking about Christmas already in August.". Yet, he re-argues every thing he says saying I do not get it and said ,"stop what I am doing" WOW. I know I have issues, yes I get depressed and my thoughts get weird at times but I am a highly intelligent collge educate person. I take medication and sometimes I am OK, sometimes not and sorry but I have never seen a bipolar person perfectly stable on a constant. Yes, I have a therapist and she knows my thoughts are mainly negative -we have been on that for awhile. Yes, my brother is alive but don'y you DARE EVER JUDGE ME UNTIL YOU ARE THE ONE who finds your brother unconscious on the floor barely breathing vomiting blood. His dad's uncle died of guess what -the same deadly chemical found in Draino -and he knew that. His do licked the top of an acccidentally left open draino bottle and went to the vet almost dying from it so call me what you will- drama queen-whatever. Yeah, he is alive but now the mD allows him to chew food,savor the taste and pit it in the garbage. How would you like to do that? He attempted in mARCH -it is AUGUST and I said to whomever that their advice was "Maybe you do not understand right from wrong." but if a read the whole post I said I CHANGED MY MIND and they still get the red. I don't care anymore if people like me and if it helps you I tried to gulp 15 anti anxiety meds. About 1 month ago but I didn't die -oh well -guess I wasn't DRAMATIC enough.

[QLP]

I'm sorry that you are finding all this so difficult, but what is it you are looking for from us right now?

[Homegirl 50]

I'm sorry your life has been as it is, but I still stand by my original answer to you.
You two have lots of issues you need to deal with and at this point and time you two are not compatible.
You work on you, he does not want to work on him, so leave him to himself. Staying with him does neither of you any good.

[southamerica]

You ask "what am I doing wrong??" and I think you're in the wrong relationship. You have hundreds of stories about how insensitive your guy is, and how he's not fulfilling your needs or understanding you... so leave him.

Like homegirl said, you have a lot of personal maintenance to do and a boyfriend who doesn't support you is not helping but hurting your attempt to heal.

I'm sorry you've had a rough life, but many people have. Many people HERE have. If you want to ask for advice on an advice forum, then be ready for some outsider viewpoints. That means a couple of things: A) an outsider only knows what you disclose, B) an outsider who volunteers time for the purpose of giving advice is going to be honest, what you might call "brutally" so.

I know the people on this forum, and they care about the strangers whom they try to help. They care about you. If they seem harsh, they're trying to get you to open your eyes a little. It's called "tough love".

What you have been advised to do is leave this guy and work on yourself. Try to see situations introspectively and then retrospectively. Try to heal before you impose your issues on other people who haven't been through what you have been through.

Until you try and TAKE some advice and stop feeling sorry for yourself, then I will ask the same question QLP is asking: What do you want from us? Sympathy isn't going to do much to heal you, but action WILL.

[HurtScorpio]

I know I need a LOT of work on myself and I have every intention on doing that and wish that therapists were more available than 2 times a month and a psychiatrist was more "caring" that just a drug administrator who has run out of ideas so much so to ask me what I thought would be a good idea and I have been to many of them and supposedly have the best of both therapist and psychiatrist. Sometimes when you go to persons for advice and you are hurting, you vent all the negative and speak no positive. I feel now that I have to say that this man has a variety of qualities that any woman would love to have in a man. He has been in a stable job for over 19 years, has a good income, he always does what he says he will do (be home at 3:00 and he is, let's me know what he is doing and calls if late). He is not a male pig, no worries of other females or online things, he can cook , he can clean (haha-the OCD). He loves kids, has a great family, keeps good hygiene and manners for the most part (he opens the car door for me, opens a door for me to a place at a store but he does pass gas and thinks it is funny which is gross.) He has been decent enough to "celebrate" a monthly anniversary w/me via a small gift and card and dinner although he did argue once or twice he thought it was high schoolish and we were not married so that a 1 year anniversary should be sufficient. So, his constant question to me is," What am i ever going to be able to do to make you happy?" My answers have been: show me affection, hold my hand, cuddle on the couch, hug me in front of your family so they think you "love " me. That stuff. So, I guess what I am asking from anyone on the site is maybe, what do you think I could do if my choices were to stay in the relationship and try to make it work. At this point, no, I am not asking that because I am afraid to be alone because I am not. When I was married I was because I thought there was nothing else out there. I want to make sure I am giving the correct picture. I know I am making errors in this relationship and I want to know if I fix what I am doing wrong if the relationship could work. Obviously, his willingness to "change" is in "oblivion land" because the only time I see them are when I say I am leaving or when I have literally packed up everything and was almost out the door. I value his honestly not his unkindness and his need for ME to be perfect -another example of yesterday's events I forgot to add was," Why are yor pinky fingernails longer than the rest of your nails and the others are quite a bit shorter?" I told him I did not know and that is the way my nails always grew. This is NOT one question -this is one amongst -,"Why don't you wear you hair down instead of up?" granted it was over 90 degrees walking around a hot amusement park as he said my hair,"looked better that way". Frankly, I wanted to say SCREW YOU! He wore his long hair down -longer than mine and let it swoosh all over on the rides looking a frizzed up mess but did I say a word? NOPE? Why? B/C I don't like to hurt people. To the girl who said she wanted her husband to tell her that her *** looked fat in jeans? Really? Well, when he does see how you feel and come back and tell me if you still like it. I am a thin girl -w/past boyfriends who "loved my butt and boobs" so this a bit unreal. My chest is a 38C, my waist is a 30. With exercise I intend on having that waist go down/not the chest and the only reason I tell you this is because I want you to see his "viewpoint of me" may be off? I am also 5'8" tall. No, you are not getting my weight though. Back to what I want -I want to be w/someone who respects me, values me, comforts me, understands what I have been through. I tell him about his lack of empathy yesterday and he says, "what do you want me to do? " I said,"Nothing -just listen, do not advise." he said I have been listening but you tell me the same thing and expect constant comfortanting like a child." He once said I require the amount ofcomfort and nurturing of a baby. Eeek! I have a family that when I reach out to them, they do not return calls or texts at all and friends live a distance w/their own issues. I want and desire a fulfilling REAL emotional connection with someone and I want to know how to get it. I feel like I am being giving and told I am mean and selfish. I am not understanding of why what I feel I give is interpreted as the opposite. In "friendships" people say I am sweet, innocent, loving kind, and shy. In relationships for the first few months the same but when the reality sets in, I become hurtful, jealous,possessive, emotionally selfish, and desiring all of their attention for myself. I don't know if I have been any clearer or not but I am trying to say I would like to know if I can contribute to this in a positive way and make it work..? Please don't say I need to work on me because I know that and I will. Thanks.

[talaniman]

I wish you could take a YEAR, of actually healing, by yourself, and depend on no one, and build your strength and confidence to a level where you are happy with yourself.

The way I see it, you have never taken time to love yourself, and find out who you are, and done what it takes to be happy within yourself. IT SHOWS, and you will realize that your intentions are great, but until they are matched by actions, you will always look for the ones closest to you to know what you need, and give it to you. The problem is they CANNOT, and you are quick to anger, and easily frustrated. Not only off your meds, you are away from the best help, and guidance that you need, and if I were your boyfriend, I would see that you got the right help.

For your part, that's the need you have to express to him, that you have to see the doctor ASAP, immediately. You have expressed the intention to work on yourself, then put those words, and INTENTIONS into positive actions.

Get busy now for yourself. No excuses, start with a local doctor, and go from there. That's the best thing you can do to help yourself. And no excuses.

[J_9]

Let me first say that without paragraphs your post is very hard to read. However, I did get this far...

his constant question to me is," What am i ever going to be able to do to make you happy?" My answers have been: show me affection, hold my hand, cuddle on the couch, hug me in front of your family so they think you "love " me. That stuff.

Some people just aren't the affectionate types. It may make him feel just as uncomfortable when/if he does it as it makes you when he doesn't.

You either learn to live with it or move on.