[N0223C]

I recently wrote a "poem" for a high school english class. It didn't rhyme, and it took me less than a day to write it. The day my teacher handed them back, she persisted that I had copied the whole thing off the internet. I got very angry with her and talked with her after class and finally convinced her that I had in fact written it. She continued to tell me she never found anything on the internet and that what I had written was "very" good. Please let me know if I have ANY talent at all... I somehow believe she was saying this to get off the hook. Please don't critique it, just let me know if I have any hope in writing!

Here is exactly what I turned in:

It Takes Life to Love Life

For when the barren deprivation of an orderly phenomenon reverberates the echoes of years past, you find yourself lost and forgotten. Love, is to be remembered through the past, present, and future. Life is a contradiction to the daily routines of this world. A society of thieves desperately striving for survival amongst each other is nothing less than an accurate depiction of ourselves in the blind state we reside. To love this life is sin. To remember this life is grounds for treason. To resist conformity to this life is salvation. Open your eyes for you cannot see through the blindfolds of society’s reign. Open your eyes and see for yourself the path of devastation you’ve tread. Lead others astray from this path by piercing the veil of shadow over their eyes, that they might see the light. Those that refuse will be lead into darkness by their blind ambitions. With open eyes and an open mind, you will learn to take nothing for granted and live life wholeheartedly. Follow He who has created a path for you that others may follow. This path leads a true life. So live a life of love, for it takes life to love life.

You may notice a somewhat religious theme to it.

[Fianchetto]

So, you are asking for a critique of your talent, but without critiquing the only presented evidence of your talent. I can't do that, so I'll do both (and presume that it is indeed your work):

First, your work:
I think your teacher's response was due more to his/her astonishment at your precociousness. It is a beautiful work, well composed, well written and profound.PS - a poem needn't rhyme to be good - It's called "free verse" (aka vers libre) - like prose, but taken to the next level (I like to think: Sonnet=Waltz music; Free verse=Improvisational Jazz):

(From the net):
The wonderful, wonderful thing about free verse, is that it has very few distinct rules or boundaries. It is similar to blank verse in that it does not rhyme, but unlike blank verse, it is not written in iambic pentameter.

The rhythm or cadence of free verse varies throughout the poem. Though the words don't rhyme, they flow along their own uneven pattern.

Definitely a poetry form for one who likes to march to the beat of a different drummer!

For example:

Running through a field of clover,
Stop to pick a daffodil
I play he loves me, loves me not,
The daffy lies, it says he does not love me!
Well, what use a daffy
When Jimmy gives me roses?
-- Flora Launa

And, to illuminate your spiritual/religious theme, from Wikipedia:

As the name vers libre suggests, this technique of using more irregular cadences is often said to derive from the practices of 19th century French poets like Gustave Kahn and especially Jules Laforgue. However, in English it can be traced back at least as far as the King James Bible . Walt Whitman, who based his verse approach on the Bible, was the major precursor for modern poets writing free verse, though they were reluctant to acknowledge his influence.



Next, your talent:
Depending on how prolific you are, you could be published before your 25th birthday. Will you autograph a copy for me? Keep on plugging at it! And don't EVER listen to a harsh critic of your art.
1> It's YOUR art, YOUR emotion, YOUR soul in whatever form.
2> They're probably jealous that they can't do better. (If anyone ever trashes my guitar playing, I simply offer therm there instrument with the invitation to do better. In 20 years, I've had exactly one taker who could better me.) This doesn't mean to ignore constructive criticism, intended to help you improve your presentation of your art, ALWAYS heed such.

Please feel free to share my comments with your teacher.

Best regards,
Fianchetto
;)

[iamnasra]

It's a lovely prose that you had presented. Full of passion and reality. Keep on writing and would love to read more of your prose...

[N0223C]

After arguing with my teacher of the credibility of my piece, I was inspired to write another. I think it's a little over the top, but these literally just fill my head all day. By popular demand, here is a second of my "work." :)

For Your Own Sake
By. C. D. Hanson

It is out of spite that we live our lives in a dismal state of retribution. We adhere to the sanctities and theories of the corrupt at heart. The repetitive penetration of our minds allows such ideas to sink deeper into the once relied upon truths that we have held onto. The sole purpose we live, is to breath every word of truth given unto us by our Creator. Relinquishing our faith to society and its unstable foundation on which so many stand is conformity in likeness to the enemy. Resist his temptations and rely on the consecrated reprise that was given to us out of love. Death is the moment at which ‘time’ subsides and life is directed by the choices of our existence. Eternity is inevitable. A detestable death of judgmental iniquities was suffered for our own sake. We take this to heart, for it was by mercy and reverent love that our selfish aberrations cease to exist in light of our neglectful heart. Destitute gratification is the sum of our conjoined efforts to live the life we choose to take part in. This is an unworthy testament and should be revoked from us. We live to serve He who gives us life.

[valinors_sorrow]

I am definitely not expert on poetry, however I am a published writer as well as both my parents. Your first example seems more like prose than poetry at first glance to me (and yes I know that it need not rhyme LOL among many other things). The nuances of tempo/structure in free form poetry are hard to master from what I have seen of my lovely poetry-writing friends -- sometimes they nail it and at other times its "just prose" (JUST prose LOL)... even to them.

I see strong talent in you -- great word pairing, highly evocative descriptions, lots of invitation to the reader to feel. And I also see the same thing I frequently see in others' writings offered up for critique. Your writing could benefit from some polishing/editing --all writers need to do this and those who do it well are considered great writers. And be on the lookout for cliche-ish expressions. Lastly, although I know this is a hard one to apply: (it was also said to me as a beginner and it truly almost baffled me for a bit) don't try so hard. Instead trust you have it in the subtle details so you can afford to paint with a lighter hand, okay? You are talented with words. I hope this was constructive information for you.

Asking for confirmation that you have talent without the critiquing details serves you poorly, by the way... just an afterthought!

[iamnasra]

I agree with the above. You need to start going beyond to prove that you have a talent, give yourself the chance to explore within you what you have writing is about the voice of your emotion and yes some of us even though how good we can be playing with words, we do need to bursh and brush on and gain also new tool to better ourseleves in the art and writing is part of that art. I can see you have the flare of writing now start gaining more tools to empower yourself with this new founded talent...

Here is a blog that I would like to see he is known by English August but writes prose... Amzingly he gained a wide readers... His words did touch many English, August

[N0223C]

Thank you so much for the advice and constructive criticism. I usually don't take criticism easily, but each of you have given me something to work on. Thank you iamnasra for the link! I'm 17 and I attend a high school of about 500 students, so there aren't many writers like me (at least that I know of). I now have somewhere to go to get ideas and hopefully learn to "polish" my writing from other's examples.

Lastly, although I know this is a hard one to apply: (it was also said to me as a beginner and it truly almost baffled me for a bit) don't try so hard. Instead trust you have it in the subtle details so you can afford to paint with a lighter hand, okay? You are talented with words. I hope this was constructive information for you.

I can see what you mean valinors_sorrow, I admit that I went a little over the top on the second one ;) . I think I did so to prove to my teacher that I was the actual writer. Kind of a 1up situation I guess.

I haven't been writing for very long, and it may seem odd, but most of the stuff I write just comes to me. I believe it is a gift. I've only told a select few that I write for enjoyment. It doesn't seem to be accepted in my group of friends.

I wrote "It Takes Life to Love Life" about four months ago. Before then, I rarely wrote, I honestly thought what I wrote was proof that I was an outcast. In the past four months, I've written a little something nearly every day. Usually out of boredom in class. I believe I will use every bit of advice you each have given me, to see where writing takes me.

I would like to leave you with a short piece I wrote today. Please let me know if you see any progress! Every word helps! (Remember, I have only been writing for four months).

Untitled
By. C. D. Hanson

Within the binds of cooperation and acceptance of alternate possibilities, there lies a feeling of peace. The weight of overwhelming burden wields the precise weapon that could devastate the balance of resistance, resulting in depressive free-fall. This weapon is fear; the only self-defense the enemy has. The force restraining you can be shattered by the love of those near to your heart, restoring the peace you have longed for. It is within reach.

[Fianchetto]

I believe that the consensus here is that you do have a tremendous talent, indeed. And also the blatant encouragement to develop it. Court your muse. Cajole your muse. Love your muse - continue on your current path and continue to develop tour talent. Make my prediction (published before 25) a self-fulfilling prophecy! ROCK ON!

[iamnasra]

Fianchetto is totally right. I think will leave you with his advice and should you wish for more links let me know

[dprestage]

I recently wrote a "poem" for a highschool english class. It didn't rhyme, and it took me less than a day to write it. The day my teacher handed them back, she persisted that I had copied the whole thing off the internet. I got very angry with her and talked with her after class and finally convinced her that I had in fact written it. She continued to tell me she never found anything on the internet and that what I had written was "very" good. Please let me know if I have ANY talent at all... I somehow believe she was saying this to get off the hook. Please don't critique it, just let me know if I have any hope in writing!

Here is exactly what I turned in:

It Takes Life to Love Life

For when the barren deprivation of an orderly phenomenon reverberates the echoes of years past, you find yourself lost and forgotten. Love, is to be remembered through the past, present, and future. Life is a contradiction to the daily routines of this world. A society of thieves desperately striving for survival amongst each other is nothing less than an accurate depiction of ourselves in the blind state we reside. To love this life is sin. To remember this life is grounds for treason. To resist conformity to this life is salvation. Open your eyes for you cannot see through the blindfolds of society’s reign. Open your eyes and see for yourself the path of devastation you’ve tread. Lead others astray from this path by piercing the veil of shadow over their eyes, that they might see the light. Those that refuse will be lead into darkness by their blind ambitions. With open eyes and an open mind, you will learn to take nothing for granted and live life wholeheartedly. Follow He who has created a path for you that others may follow. This path leads a true life. So live a life of love, for it takes life to love life.

You may notice a somewhat religious theme to it.

Write! Write! And then write some more! This is good stuff!

[Fianchetto]

Thank you so much for the advice and constructive criticism. I usually don't take criticism easily, but each of you have given me something to work on. Thank you iamnasra for the link! I'm 17 and I attend a high school of about 500 students, so there aren't many writers like me (at least that I know of). I now have somewhere to go to get ideas and hopefully learn to "polish" my writing from other's examples.

Of Course there are not many others like you - your talent sticks out like a sore thumb! Perhaps you will find true peers in university and there you may apply (however little will be necessary) polish to your works. No poet is ever REALLY where they "belong". That's the trade-off. You, (hopefully for the sake of your works) will remain an outsider looking in to the world through your very own, stained-glass eyes.
Our local bookstore hosts an "open mike" night regularly to host local poets. If such exists in your city, I'd encourage you to attend a few, listen, and then contribute. If not, MAKE ONE! Perhaps a bookstore or café will host your own open mike night. :)

[nmwirez]

I recently wrote a "poem" for a highschool english class. It didn't rhyme, and it took me less than a day to write it. The day my teacher handed them back, she persisted that I had copied the whole thing off the internet. I got very angry with her and talked with her after class and finally convinced her that I had in fact written it. She continued to tell me she never found anything on the internet and that what I had written was "very" good. Please let me know if I have ANY talent at all... I somehow believe she was saying this to get off the hook. Please don't critique it, just let me know if I have any hope in writing!

Here is exactly what I turned in:

It Takes Life to Love Life

For when the barren deprivation of an orderly phenomenon reverberates the echoes of years past, you find yourself lost and forgotten. Love, is to be remembered through the past, present, and future. Life is a contradiction to the daily routines of this world. A society of thieves desperately striving for survival amongst each other is nothing less than an accurate depiction of ourselves in the blind state we reside. To love this life is sin. To remember this life is grounds for treason. To resist conformity to this life is salvation. Open your eyes for you cannot see through the blindfolds of society’s reign. Open your eyes and see for yourself the path of devastation you’ve tread. Lead others astray from this path by piercing the veil of shadow over their eyes, that they might see the light. Those that refuse will be lead into darkness by their blind ambitions. With open eyes and an open mind, you will learn to take nothing for granted and live life wholeheartedly. Follow He who has created a path for you that others may follow. This path leads a true life. So live a life of love, for it takes life to love life.

You may notice a somewhat religious theme to it.

Hey C.D. You've got talent...

I write technical stuff from experience, so I am not a critic. Your short time writing in life with a vocabulary so grandiose sets you apart from many.

Nm wirez, I am not worthy.