[clk4clj]

Ok, here's my story.. I live in MD.. meet my now ex-fiance on Match.com back in August 2007, he lives in ME, so, of course, everyone said we were doomed from the start. Well--we beat the odds, for awhile--in October 2007, he proposed, I must admit I was hesitate in the beginning, although he never was, always knew I was "the one" for him, after a few hesitations, I agreed, actually took me a year to really believe in our relationship because of previous relationships, I just didn't think he could be real and that he actually loved me--this would be my downfall.

Long story short, over the years, we've been trying to figure out how to make things work, long distance can only work for so long--both flew back & forth as we could, drove back & forth a few times as well. He has a 10 yr old son and is totally disabled, so, although he tried for 3 years, he can't travel to visit me in MD anymore: just too painful for him to travel and his son really needs him (his ex is an idiot). I knew deep down that he wanted me to move to ME, but didn't want to pressure me to do so.. I'm very independent and, although there were times I did say I would move to ME, I'd always come up with a reason to delay it: my parents are here, work is here, passed the bar here, etc.. etc.

My last visit was in February, for my BD and Valentines Day, I was only supposed to stay for one week, but, on the day I was supposed to leave, he broke down, telling me he didn't want me to go, I didn't want to either, so I stayed. But I acted like an *** most of the time, complaining about the weather, his friends calling, anything and everything. I get back to MD, and I continue complaining to him that our relationship isn't progressing--telling him Im breaking up with him, that other men are hitting on me, that an old boyfriend asked me out, and although I didn't go, I wanted to... all kinds of crap.

Meantime, he's taken it in, not saying much... finally I blew up in May, because he didn't call me back in the time frame I wanted him to--called him--told him to lose my number, don't call my family, if he calls me again I will change my number and hang up. Of course, right away I regret it and start to realize what an idiot I've been. Next day, call him, apologize, but I can sense things are different, He says its OK, but I know it isn't.

After that, he was distant for weeks, I finally realize that I want to move to ME and start looking for jobs, get a call for an interview up there, I call him to tell him--he says--he doesn't think it's a good idea that I come for the job interview--I'm in disbelief. He says he can't handle the stress of our relationship anymore, with his son, his mother (whos 77) and his illness, its too much. I don't believe it, schedule the interview and drive up there a few weeks ago.. I surprise him and then, he drops the bomb--he can't do our relationship anymore and he means it: tells me the things I said are staying in his head and its killing him: either he breaks up with me or he's going to have a heart attack/stroke. He starts vomiting, says he's been vomiting for weeks, not eating, lost like 10lbs. Again, I can't believe it. I convince him to let me spend the night, but the next day, he's throwing up again, every 5-10 minutes--finally I ask, is it me? Do you want me to leave? He says yes, he's sorry I came so far and he doesn't want to be mean, but he needs me to go.

Of course, I am devastated, I really didn't mean all the stupid things I said, I was angry and hurt and now... he won't talk to me at all, I've sent him letters to try and explain, nothing... I keep watching the phone hoping it will ring.. nothing it's been 3 weeks now and I have no idea how to move on. I honestly never thought this was possible with us, and, when I left that day he looked at me, tears in his eyes and asked how did we get here? He never thought we would, he thought we were forever-that he'd given me his entire heart, I tell him I'm ready to move there, he asks why I didn't say that a month ago, I would've made all the difference but now, he just can't do this anymore... how in the hell did I screw this up?

[tmtrotminor]

I'm seeing a pattern I see with many women. I hear women and girls say, "All I want is a nice guy!" But in reality, they will reject him when they meet him. But when the "Bad boy" comes around, they can't get away from him.
That aside, I do think you burned that bridge. And in fact, I think you only really started to pursue him again when he stopped persisting. Something about a guy who wants nothing to do with you will draw you closer. This is how it is for many people though too.
All you can do now is learn from your mistakes and move on. In my opinion, trying to keep contact at all at this point would be truly disrespectful to him. Disrespectful because it appears you're leading him on and reminding him that what he wanted in a love life won't happen for him.
Like I said, move on, learn from this, and stop yourself from doing it again.

[amicon]

You screwed it up by being a drama queen and thus hurting him.

Accept that it's over ,leave him alone=no contact and start moving on.

[clk4clj]

Thanks for the truth... needed to read it--my fault...

[amicon]

We all,hopefully,learn from our mistakes.

By understanding why you did what you did you won't repeat these mistakes in a future realationship

[clk4clj]

Learning from my mistakes, yeah, problem is I don't think I even deserve to be a relationship now.. and can't even fathom being with someone else, although I do realize that is part of the process. I started following the NC rules, deleted all means of contacting him, last one: PS3 friends, that one was hard since it removes my name from his list as well and, again, for a second, I had hope because HE didn't delete me as a friend, but I'm not even sure that he knows how since I was the technie one.. I set it up.. so.. I will just work through the pain and try to keep busy.. VERY VERY VERY HARD.

[amicon]

NC works-stick to it.

Your feelings now are normal so allow yourself time to heal .

Take one day at the time-whilst,as you said,keeping yourself busy.

[talaniman]

he doesn't think it's a good idea that I come for the job interview--I'm in disbelief. He says he can't handle the stress of our relationship anymore, with his son, his mother (whos 77) and his illness, its too much. I don't believe it, schedule the interview and drive up there a few weeks ago.. I surprise him and then, he drops the bomb-

This was when you should have believed him and knew it was over for him. Glad you started taking the right steps in finally accepting its over, and letting go. Healing comes next. Embrace it.

[wonderlife]

tmtrotminor, I just couldn't agree more with you! I spent years after years said to everybody that I wanted a good guy but what I always did in the past was running after a bad one or someone who's obviously incompatible with me. And then when there's someone run after me, a good person and ready to commit, I rejected him and thought that he's boring, instead of giving him a chance. That's why I spent lot of time crying over the failure of my love life and think how unluncky I was.

Up until last year, I learned it in such a very hard way, after being dumped by the guy that I invested a lot emotinally and felt deeply for him, he returned them by treating me like craps and dumped me. This latest event shocking me very much I began to realize my stupid pattern for the very first time. I was stunned as I realized that the problem was me all along. I easily gave all my heart to someone with an attractive character, mostly bad guys or those who can't commit or those I didn't even know them, then I blamed them after being dumped. Funny, isn't it?

Anyway, after realizing this fact, it's quite painful to me knowing that I hurt myself a lot from time to time, which's unnecessary and not worth it at all. I have changed a lot from last year since I learned in such a hard way. I made the lists of what I really want in a relationship and stick to it, I love myself and know that I have to be able to be happy by myself, and I promise myself not to give my heart to anyone easily again until I'm sure enough I know who he really is and whether he really deserves it.

[clk4clj]

Well.. somehow, someway I have another chance: at least he is willing to talk to me, he called me late last night, I'm hoping and praying that he is able to forgive me and that I can have the love of my life back in my life. Even more, I got to forgive myself for being a drama queen and letting my insecurities ruin what we had. Need to mention also, that my "drama" wasn't a constant in our relationship, just over the last few months and that, because of that he knows deep down who I am: he had a lot of fears regarding not being loved because of his disability and for the past 3 years I have been the most supportive and loving partner he has ever had--even at times when he wanted to give up because he couldn't do all the things he could before--I never made him feel less of a man... and I don't want the bad boy, did that years ago, my last two relationships have been with good men and none of this happened before. I do appreciate everyone's comments and I plan to learn from my mistakes and be who I really am with him. Just very, very grateful that he wants to try and work on it.

[amicon]

I hope it works out for you,it's going to need a lot of communication and honesty(including self honesty) to get things working again.

You must look at why you reacted the way you did and why you created the drama.

[clk4clj]

Thanks so much Amicon.. you really are awesome! Means a lot...

[amicon]

You're welcome and thank y o u.

Take care now!