[aGuyWithIssues]

Yeah, I know, this must sound terribly weird coming from a guy, but keep in mind, not all guys are 90% dedicated to sex. To me, everything is more about a challenge, a brainteaser, I thrive on problem-solving, coming up with new ideas, new ways to look at things... And I'm very good at that.

We've been living together for 2 years now, and we haven't had sex for over 11 months. Mainly because I just don't feel like it. Even though she sometimes tries, though not very often. Many things bother me. I will just spit them all out, in a random order. I do not feel one or the other has greater importance, they're just a list of things that linger or come to mind right now.

1. when she 'tries' to have sex, this will involve just stroking my arm with a finger for about 10 seconds. (always feels like a very bad 'try' to me, can't really describe it)

2. She has no hobbies. Apart from reading a book once a month, everything else is just cleaning the house (that does NOT need all that cleaning) or sitting in front of the TV.

3. She does not listen to me. Whenever I start talking about something, I am ALWAYS interrupted with something potentially stupid (like 'what was that sound outside', or if we're walking down the street, 'pigs! Look how they parked that car')


I'm trying to be as honest as possible here, although I'm not very good at knowing exactly how I feel, some some things might sound a bit off or just plain weird.

Relating to point 3. above, I must say that I do not really listen to her either. I think this is because I have a very low tolerance for pointless stuff. I don't get mad or anything, my brain just disconnects. I don't care about the price of food (we do not have money problems, nor have we ever argued about cash. Come to think of it, we don't really argue about anything), I don't care if her work colleague (who I've never met, and she has stated several times that she doesn't really like) has a new cat... I could go on for hours with these things, but you get my point: the little she talks about is always something so uninteresting to me that I tend to say a couple of things, add a few comments, but get kind of depressed that those are the only things she has to talk about.

On my side, I try to question things, talk about how things works, explain things that not many people know about, etc... Not as a test or anything, but because I would like to see her actually put some effort into thinking about something... I would like some feedback, so I too will have to think about another response or solution. I would like a challenging conversation. (I have a highly mental and time-consuming job, that involves high levels of concentration and as few distractions as possible).

My job is stressful. But I do not work late hours. I always get home at 6:30 pm. I do however have many hobbies, ranging from learning new things, to design, photography, programming, new technologies, producing little movies for the wed, posting stuff on Facebook or my personal websites, etc... This is a problem. Not because I know ow to keep myself busy, but because ALL my hobbies involve a computer in one way or another, so to her, I'm always on the computer, and to me, she's always cleaning or watching TV.

I have tried to get her interested in everything I do. I have tried asking for her opinion about many things, from what photo looks better, ideas for a website, how she things something could work, etc... One example would be this:

I asked her what she thought about an Idea I was having for a website. I won't go into details, but this involved some online community activities, so there was a lot to think about how people would interact, communicated, be exposed etc... I showed her a graphical version (a basic mock-up of the general idea) and asked for some feedback on what she thought would work or not. I explained my idea for 10 minutes, with all the options I had managed to include, and asked her what she thought. The answer was 'I like blue... would you like a cup of tea?'... and off she went, as if I was keeping her from her precious TV ads.

I have also tried, many (MANY) times to sit with her on the sofa and hold her hand while I endure the stupidity that goes on TV. I REALLY tried, but it just makes me feel dumb and like I'm wasting time.
So... Bottom line: I love her, but I do not feel sexually attracted... better still, I do not even think about sex. I have so many projects and plans that have been lingering in my mind, that I need to work on them to feel good about myself.

We still have dinner together every day, we take turns in cooking. We talk about the cats and the dog. We take the dog out for walks every day and go to the park with him on weekends... Apart from the 'no sex' and 'not really communicating' everything else is fine...

... but...

I thought it was fine. Apparently it's not, because ever since she started talking to her friends about us not having sex (I just know she did) things have changed. She has now stopped doing anything around the house. Like some sort of protest that is really not working because I don't react to silly things. She has started calling me not so nice things when talking with her friends. She bangs the doors to express her unhappiness. She stopped kissing me when she arrives at the end of the day. And last night she crawled out of bed and went to sleep on the sofa. Not that it really makes a difference since we're not having sex anyway, but it seems like a statement.

My question: What the hell is going on? I cannot imagine us getting separated, but I'm not sure why. I can't imagine what we would do with the pets if we did go our own ways. I would like to keep them, so would she I guess, but she wouldn't be able to afford them. I also don't like the idea of being alone again. I need interaction. I need someone to be there and I need a lot of mental feedback. She is by far the smartest girlfriend I have ever had, and the ONLY one who has never cheated or snuck out for a coffee with an ex, or anything like that (although lately she does sort of 'flirt' harmlessly online). But we just don't seem to be interested in each others activities. Does this make any sense?

P.S. (Before you ask: she is very attractive, and not fat in any way. So it's not a physical problem.)

[QLP]

You say you love her but you don't respect her or desire her.

You find her interests stupid or pointless. Yet you say she is the smartest girlfriend you have had. Perhaps she is smart enough to understand that whilst intellectual conversation can be stimulating it is the full myriad of communication, including small talk, that cements a relationship. Then again she doesn't seem to have cottoned on to the fact that slamming doors is an ineffective way of communicating her unhappiness to you. You do realise that someone's pet projects are seldom as fascinating to anyone else, particularly when they overshadow the whole relationship?

Why on earth are you two still together? Because you don't want to be alone and need interaction. What interaction? There hardly seems to be any.

We don't always find the same things fascinating that our partners do. My husband loves sport which leaves me cold. I have interests that he doesn't share. However, we do take the time to listen to one another share our interests, because while they may not be ours we are interested in each other. I detest football but I love his passion for it. Seems like you two are so derisory about each others interests that any expression of passion in life, or in the bedroom, has vanished.

Either start some proper communicating about the things that are wrong with your relationship, and that includes your attitude, or call it a day.

[aGuyWithIssues]

Thanks for the answer QLP,

Maybe you're right. I forgot to mention is that it used to be different. She used to be interested in everything I did, and used to also have interesting things to say that I found very challenging and stimulating... then it gradually all went away... till there was nothing left... She started ignoring whatever I had to say, and I gradually lost interest too... I don't know if she only talks about futile things on purpose just to annoy me or not. I know I'm not the easiest person in the world, but I don't argue, I don't get mad or yell, I pay all the bills without any worries, I cook, help around the house, and still try to have time for my projects. My frustration started with a stressful job and not having enough time for my hobbies. Then whenever I did have some time, I would sit down at the computer and just feel guilty that I wasn't spending that time with her, so I ended up not spending it with her anyway, and not being able to work... Everything feels like catch 22 for some reason.

[Fr_Chuck]

All I hear is she used to, she needs to.

You need to do things she wants, and you can not even say what her interests are, And perhaps she is always cleaning and cooking because you will not get off your lazy butt and help her. So she could sit at the computer all the time.

[Riot]

Communication is important in a relationship (like, REAL important) being on the same wave lengths etc.
You said "I must say that I do not really listen to her either"

If you want to be in a relationship you need to tolerate her a lot.
I mean, your picking out some really silly stuff and acting like she owes you a lot more?

[aGuyWithIssues]

Then I'm sorry, but you're not *hearing* properly. Although I value the time you've taken to read my post and answer, blurting out silly remarks is hardly a helpful way of making me understand why all this is happening or pointing me in the right direction. I do not sit on 'my lazy butt', I do most of the cooking and dish washing, I do most of the shopping, I do the car repairs, the house repairs, I constantly buy her things... This is NOT matter of how much each of us does.
In your opinion, I should spend all my time doing things for her so "she could sit at the computer all the time"?… What kind of an advice is that? BTW that is exactly what I did for the first year: everything I could for her, and this is where it got us… My increasing frustration for not having time for my own projects. Thanks anyway.

[aGuyWithIssues]

Thanks for the answer Riot. Yea, I know I need to *listen* more... but it sort of feels one-sided. You may not believe this, but I tried for a very long time, (5 months) after she gave up listening to me... Now there's just something in me that will not let me go on being the idiot. This has to be double-sided. I agree. But I don't even know how to begin this conversation with her, because I can easily predict the outcome (kind of the same that's happening here: me being misinterpreted and everything going wrong). Any advice on this? Thanks

[QLP]

If she has lost all interest in her own passtimes as well as yours maybe she is suffering from depression.

All the practical things you do are great but sometimes people feel more of a need for emotional than practical investment in a relationship. That means real communication. Maybe your girlfriend put a lot of effort into sharing your interests early on and didn't feel she was getting back what she needed and feels burned out emotionally. Sometimes not arguing on your part can feel like disinterest to your partner.

Only she knows how she feels so start by asking her and really listen. Don't come straight back with what you want, take a little time to digest what she says first, and make it clear to her that is what you want to do, and that you are really trying to hear her. If she says she is unhappy about x and y don't come straight back with excuses or justifications, tell her you are sorry she is unhappy about these things and you need time to think about what she has said. You need to make her feel heard as a starting point.

Of course you will need to make your needs known in time too, but find out where she is at first and think that through. You can also ask her what solutions she would like to see to any problems and give her answers to that some thought.

If the waters are still muddy after that come back and share and maybe we can help you move forwards.

[Wondergirl]

I do most of the cooking and dish washing, I do most of the shopping, I do the car repairs, the house repairs

Why aren't the two of you doing many of these things together?

I constantly buy her things...

Why?

[I wish]

I'm going to take a different direction than the others.

Sounds to me that you just laid out half of the pieces of a puzzle on the table. The problem is, she possesses the other half of the pieces. When we say communication is required, that's the first step.

Both of you need to lay out all the pieces. Express your feelings and list out the problems.

The next step is to work out some mutual understanding and compromise. You need to work out an arrangement where both of you can be happy with. Too many issues seemed to have been slip under the rug. It's time to lift the rug and clean house. WORK on issues TOGETHER.

On a separate note, there's a huge red flag that you mentioned. It's obvious that she's become less and less interested in your hobbies. Furthermore, she does not have very many hobbies that you can relate to. I understand that you each have very different hobbies at the moment. Furthermore, you have several hobbies while she has very few.

Here's a suggestion, instead of trying to force each other to like each other's hobbies, maybe it's time to find some new hobbies that both of you can enjoy together. I understand that you want more time for your existing hobbies, but we only have so many hours in a day, and it's about prioritizing. If you really love her, maybe it's time to set a few things aside so that you can continue strengthening your relationship.

You don't want your relationship to deteriorate because you have other priorities and neglect each other. Just because you've been together for a few years doesn't mean that you stop working on the relationship, unless you've begun to fall out of love.

[talaniman]

Now that the lust is over, the love can grow, when you both learn how to share. Can't think of anything? Could be there is no love, just comfort. For now not a bad thing, but sooner or later you will have to find, and learn how to share with each other.

Takes two to define the direction, and manner a relationship takes. So you have work to do, both of you.

Actually, you sound like a very old couple, without the fun memories of youth. Yet they share space, if not each other.

Doubt your bodies connect again until your minds, and spirits do.

[winkshine]

Sounds like you are just annoyed by her and only really care about what you like and want. Is it the fact that you are comfortable and don't want to be alone? What do you like about her?

[iaaronbuck]

It sounds like your priorities are damaging her experience in the relationship. It is true that in life the function of relationships is a two way street. When she is obviously throwing a fit, there is indeed a reason. Heck, I'd be depressed too if my sexual needs were not met for almost a year of my life and I remained committed in an empty sort of love without connected passion. You may not see it yet, but overtime this sort of disregard for her turn her into the sort of "Sneaking out for coffee with her ex" or even the "Desperate cheating effort" making rebel who no man would trust. There is many things you can do, thankfully, to try and restore your relationship and supersede it's former glory. Try not shutting down when she talks about things you may consider mundane or boring, perhaps challenge yourself to make a witty comment about her object of interest, you could even get really innovative and use conversation of her interests to segway into conversations about your interests. Woo. Get expressive when you communicate, perhaps study the language of the face, body language, facial sub tones, the essence of communication, of something that could prove to be a useful skill in your relationships and a potentially interesting topic for both genders. What do you think of that? Sure you have the masculine drive of a warrior/artist to create what your hobbies are, but the lover/king archetypes must also be present. A lover and king is nurturing. A warrior/(magician/artist/performer/actor) is expressive in the sort of war that makes their point known. In order to balance out your life and relationships there must be a balance in the self esteem. The warrior/magicians have confidence and drive, but the kings/lovers have wellbeing, understanding, compassion, and show interest in their partners. Right now she is clearly trying to be a warrior. And as cute and cuddly as you may perceive her protests, she could put up quite the emotional revolt if her lover doesn't make an appearance in you. What do you think of that?