[a_guy]

Hi!

I'm a 29-year-old bi guy, more on the gay side, physically and sexually but not emotionally speaking. Now I'm not in a relationship with either gender but I feel I shouldn't have acted on gay feelings at all. Ok, I might enjoy a quickie with males but I don't feel fulfilled after. Whereas with girls it's more the issue of being able to get it up... It's this irrational fear,I believe, that makes me stay a bit away from girls.

Do you think that acting on the gay thoughts makes one more gay or not?

Do you think I should stop seeing males, and date with the other sex exclusively? (I know you may say I feel pressurized to do and behave in a way that is considered normal by others. But I can't hide the fact either that I want a family life, which I don't picture with a male).

[Where I live - a small country in Europe- life for a bisexual is more difficult, as people are not so open-mined about bisexuality, let alone homosexuality... lol.]

What do you suggest that I do?

Thanks a lot for taking your time to read it.

[Cat1864]

This may seem simplistic, but be yourself. Don't try to deny parts of yourself just to fit into a role you see yourself playing in the future. Dreams can change. When we put blinders on, we can miss so many opportunities that might make a better future than the one we dream about.

How do you meet people you want to date and spend time getting to know? On average, how long do your relationships last? What have been your expectations in the relationships? Quick sex or building a solid foundation for a long term relationship?

I don't think think that you can make yourself more homosexual by 'acting gay' . I do think you can confuse yourself by looking for love and commitment where you don't really expect or want to find them.

If you are truly afraid of how your body will respond to women, you may be making choices that reinforce that fear causing potential physical issues due to your apprehension. Do you date women who you find attractive both mentally and physically? On the other side, do you date men who you could become emotionally attached to?

I think it is more a matter of you haven't found the right person (male or female) who you want to build a life with. One of the things about dating is finding a person who has the qualities you want in a long term partner. With as many people as there are in the world, it can take a lot of trial and error before you find the person who fits in your life.

Good luck.

[FadedMaster]

Ultimately, it is up to you what to do. Although, I will say that it sounds like you've pretty much know what you want. If you want a family life and cannot picture one with a male companion, then you are not going to get what you want from a male companion.

Something that concerns me is when you say that you have quickies and aren't fulfilled afterward. There are a few ways this could be taken, and I'll go with the emotional fulfillment. If you're not gaining any kind of emotional pleasure out of the encounters, then it sounds like you shouldn't engage in them in the first place. This is just my feeling on sex though. There should be two main components, one is of course the physical pleasure, and the other is the emotional. If you don't feel the emotional connection with your partner, then you should not continue further.

The other thing I will add is that perhaps you just have not found the right guy or gal.

[a_guy]

Thanks for your comment! Well my relationships with males and females have been neither long nor steady. With males, to be honest, it's not something I have wanted to, in the first place. But, with females, it's the other way around. I want something longer-lasting, stable, and concrete. I mean, I'm not really quickies if I might put it like this. In a woman, I seek intelligence, and good looks (but not Miss Universe... lol). Given that I want something deeper I tend to a bit reserved when it comes to using body language. ( I mean going for a kiss right away etc). And this shyness, I think makes them, say, go off me.
But what really worries me the most is that with males I tend to get an erection more easily. Sometimes, even by thought.

What you said in the last paragraph makes so much sense to me.

Thanks again.

[a_guy]

Thanks for your comment. I think I fool around with guys due to those thoughts I have. But, that's it; I mean, I don't see anything long-lasting with them, concerning my life.

[Synnen]

I think you need to figure out who YOU are.

You're conditioned to not want to be gay--society does that to too many people, frankly. Therefore, you don't even TRY to see if you want more than a random hookup with a guy, even though you are sexually attracted to them.

You don't seem sexually attracted to women at all, frankly--you just want a long term relationship with one. Possibly because you're conditioned to see it as "normal".

I think you should get counseling to determine what you're really looking for BEFORE you jump into any other relationship.

[a_guy]

Thanks for your comment !
Yeah... I know it myself that I get erected more easily with men. It's not that I don't like sex with women but maybe it doesn't come as naturally as with men. Maybe it's just that irrational fear I have instilled to myself...
I'm not 100% gay, and that's why I don't feel fulfilled with males exclusively. You're right in saying that society has an impact in this respect but, it's not only that.
I'm asking you because I don't know whether what I'm doing will have an influence on my stable future relationships or not.
I do accept myself the way I am; still, I feel confused about my scale of bisexuality, and where I should stand... if you get my point.
Here, the counseling you mean is not common at all.

[Synnen]

Since you have access to a computer, I would Google GLBT support groups and see what you can find. There are support groups and counseling online.

I am bisexual. I know what the process is like to try to figure out what it is you want.

However, you're not likely to end up with a partner (long term) that's okay with you running off to have sex with the opposite gender when you find yourself missing it. You have to find what fulfills you in ONE PERSON, regardless of gender.

I've been married 10 years, and occasionally miss sex with women, but have honest communication with my husband on our sex lives, and I'm emotionally, sexually, and mentally fulfilled with him.

But--at 21, I had no idea if being with a man or being with a woman is what I really wanted. You have to figure that out for yourself, and I think a lot of it will straighten itself out when you open yourself up to the possibility of a relationship (A real relationship, not a one night stand) with EITHER sex. You have to actually DATE both sexes to figure out what it is you want in a PERSON, and what you NEED to be satisfied.

[Cat1864]

If you don't want to tell us what country you are in, then perhaps you might want to do a search for GBLT (gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and trans-gender) support groups in your area or for on-line support.

I think you are putting yourself in a box and trying to label it. Yes, it is human nature to want clear-cut boundaries and to know exactly where we stand. However, it is just as human to not fit into any stereotypical niches. We may not fit other people's preconceived notions, but we do fit into the pattern of life. We are the color and texture in the tapestry. I think you are still finding out more about yourself and who you are not who society thinks you should be.

What would happen if you treated everyone the same and approached relationships with men and women the same way?

[a_guy]

Ok, thanks; I'll do that... And thanks, in particular, for what you say in your last sentence..

[a_guy]

All right, I feel much better now having read your comments... Thank you again for sharing them!

[SindySweets]

Pretty much all of my gay guy friends started bi, some hid they were gay, others didn't realise it till later. If you realise you are, you can still very much have a family. Being gay doesn't change that

[a_guy]

Thanks for your answer! My only concern is that I tend to get erection more easily with males, and this I fear could affect my possible future marriage. Thank you again.

[a_guy]

Hi, I'm a 29-year-old bi guy. I think I'm more on the gay side, sexually speaking. The problem is that when I'm with a male I don't feel fulfilled, especially emotionally speaking. However, many times I feel I'm going crazy thinking about a particular girl or guy. In fact, with males - excluding the last one I met- I don't feel much emotional attachment. It's not all about sex, but I'm so worried about this frustration I feel time and again.

What should I do?

Thanks!

[JudyKayTee]

Despite having asked and answered this question less than a month ago (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...de-581617.html) you continue to be confused and concerned.

You need to speak to a professional concerning your confusion.

You've been given great advice. I don't really know that there's anything left to say and asking a second time changes little.

[a_guy]

You're right, but here I hoped to get somewhat different advice. Thanks anyway...

[talaniman]

Your threads were merged and if you want different, or more feedback and input, then add more questions or information, instead of starting new questions in other forums about the same thing. That would help us all.

As to your question, the way I see it, you are trying to define yourself but have not done the homework when it comes to learning enough about yourself. Just because you get an erection with certain people and not others is no cause for frustrations.

Try this, instead of acting on the physical needs of your body, learn to make friends and enjoy other activities, and focus on good clean fun, with all that you meet, and form no physical bonds that distract from building a life that makes you happy with yourself.

You have put far too much on sexual encounters without building bonds of friendship, and interactions. Your short term efforts are jeopardizing any long term gains that are healthy and fulfilling. You don't know how to share without the sex. When you learn to do that, you will learn some valuable lessons about yourself, and the way you define yourself. I don't think it matters who turns you on as many of us don't fit into the neat categories of what's normal.

Just look at your concerns of how you are so confused just because one gender physically turns you on more than the other. Why can't you accept yourself, and move to other areas of attraction, like mental, spiritual, and emotional stimulation. In this way maybe you can put what the little head is telling you into a better healthier, less confusing perspective.

Stop looking for love, and make your own happiness. That starts by accepting yourself, and whatever flaws you have, and having a good time doing what you want as you decide what you are about. I think you give far too much power to getting a boner, than you do with other ways of human stimulation. A hard on doesn't mean long term happiness, just initial lust, and attraction. You are distracted in your confusion, from exploring the other areas that make you, YOU.

Make a point to know someone else, and let them know you, without the sex, or confusion of it. I think you have ignored other parts of yourself long enough, and its time to pay attention to more than just a hard on. In simple terms, you need a better plan than wondering about why your thang is awake, and at attention, because its NATURAL in the first place. Stop being embarrassed, or confused at such a natural thing, gay, straight, or bi, all us guys have something that does that to us, so what?

You are more than just a hard d1ck aren't you? Celebrate that, and develop that. Get deeper than your d**k, with yourself, so you can do it with others. Enjoy getting to know and love yourself, so you will be ready to have something to share, whether you are hard, or not.

You will never get far if you are confused about why you are hard around guys, and not around girls. You just are, so forget it, and get close to people, until the right person comes along. You waste too much time wondering, and not enough time on ways to enjoy yourself, and make yourself happy. I think you are far better off focusing on sociability, than sexuality.

Just my opinion.

[a_guy]

Hey, Talaniman... I really appreciate your long, and professional opinion you've given above. You're just right in stating that I should stop worrying about my concern expressed in the posting, and live life as it comes, absurd as it is...

Thank you all again for the awesome job you do!