[saucysteve]

Ok you guys, can I ask your valued opinions please.

Married 24yrs, I love my wife and have never hidden this from her but I feel my love is being tested very much so as time goes by. For sometime now, maybe 10yrs or so I have not had any real desire sexually for my wife. We work together get on well in a work environment but at home it is becoming more and more strained. She put on a load of weight after giving birth and I assumed that she would lose the excess weight soon afterwards so all would be well. Let me be frank, we are not talking a few pounds here, I would have no issue with that - more like 100lbs. The weight did not come off and any attempt from her to diet lasts a week or so.

Love making ceased and has never been revived. To start with I assumed this was a short term issue, we both carried on with life (happily) and I found it hard to speak the truth as to how I felt so trusted to luck that she would figure out the problems and resolve it. About 5yrs ago I decided enough was enough and found the courage to say how I felt, BIG MISTAKE, I think. I explained that I loved her but am just not attracted to the weight gain. I was hoping for a "ok-lets get this sorted - walking and gym approach" but I have made things bad beyond belief. She sees me as a monster that should love and desire her unconditionally and refuses to accept how I feel.

Ok, so my question. And I ask this having read many other threads on a similar subject - some threads advise keeping your thoughts to yourself and some say speak your mind. Well I have done both and am no further ahead and now just don't know what to do.

Present Day : I still love her but cannot live a life without passion. Every few months one of us brings up the issues of our failing marriage and the same old issues are discussed but nothing changes. I am so reluctant to end things, my love and respect for her are genuine and I only wish I could feel attracted to a heavier woman, maybe I am just a monster as she suspects. I still feel that if we worked on this together it could be resolved and if I can see a light at the end of the tunnel with her commitment and my support. She wants to end the relationship as she cannot see my point but it is not what I want.

Where can I go from here??

[tickle]

First of all, I don't think you are a monster for approaching her on your issues of her weight gain. I don't know how you could have kept you feelings hidden, as you seem to be an outging sort of guy, this would not have worked for you, so it had to be out in the open, right ?

I think you need to bring her up short, give her an ultimatum, and see how she reacts. I think she is actually calling your bluff by suggesting the relationship end. I am absolutely not going to say counselling.

Surely she must see that you still love her and respect her.

[saucysteve]

Hi Tickle and thanks for your input.

During our last 'discussion' about two months ago I suggest that if she was prepared to really commit herself to losing weight that I would support her all the way. Her view is that she will not be dictated to by me as to the way she looks and if I don't want her overweight I will not want her thin.

[JudyKayTee]

Please don't post a question more than once. The same people answer on almost all of the Boards.

She's your wife and the mother of your child(ren). I say talk to her, tell her how you feel. I suspect she already knows, although she hasn't heard the actual words recently.

Now my opinion - she gained the weight having YOUR child. Now she's too heavy for you. Maybe she's not motivated to exercise, diet, get the weight off. Maybe she's happy and content without a sexual relationship. Maybe she thinks you should be attracted to her no matter what she weighs because underneath it all, she's the same person.

Maybe she thinks you are very shallow and/or critical of her. Maybe she thinks there are improvements you could make in your appearance and you should worry more about you and less about her.

The only way to know is to ask her.

Would I be hurt and confused and disappointed if I gained weight and my husband no longer desired me? You bet. I would hope he loves me (and "wants" me) no matter what.

Her weight is a physical problem for her - what would you do if she became ill with some other physical/medical problem?

On the other hand, if you cannot be attracted to a "heavier woman," then the relationship is not working for you, you need to tell her, you need to move on - and so does she.

[J_9]

Moderator's Note: Threads merged

[saucysteve]

Hi Judy and thanks for your reply

She does indeed think I am shallow and I probably am. We have spoken about this on many occasions recently and we are very close to separation but as said I don't really want this although she does as she cannot accept my feelings. Am I so wrong to want my wife to look attractive? To be able to put both arms around her with ease and not have to stretch them over her. 100lbs of excess weight makes a difference. When we met and fell in love her attractiveness was just one of the qualities I liked but nevertheless an important one and this is the only area that is missing for me. I am so reluctant to finish the relationship when it would just take some commitment from bot of us to put it right. My frustration is that I have tried for a long time to encourage her but don't make any progress. I have clearly approached it badly but how else could I have tackled the issues, I tried the gentle approach and then the more forceful way.

[JudyKayTee]

Saucysteve, if it matters to you it matters to you and nothing can change that. Are you wrong to want an attractive weight? No, not if that is important to you. Also, attractive to you and attractive to me or anyone else may very well be different.

Bottom line - you cannot make anyone do anything they don't want to do. I appreciate that losing weight would take commitment from her. You also say it would take commitment from you. What would your commitment to the weight loss be?

I think you're shallow but, again, it is what you want and expect in and from a relationship that matters.

From what I am reading you do more criticizing than encouraging but... again... you can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do.

[saucysteve]

Thank you Judy, your comments are appreciated.

At present the relationship is pretty much exhausted and I am trying to piece it together and find a way forward, when I say MY commitment I really mean that if she is prepared to commit herself to a healthier way of life and take weight loss and the problems within our marriage seriously than I am prepared to commit myself to our marriage for life. If I can see light at the end of the tunnel than I am happy.

[Cat1864]

Have you taken a serious look at her side?

You seem to be saying that nothing else in the marriage matters except her weight and that her looks please you. Is that really what you want her to believe?

She has a point. If she loses the weight, will you still be seeing her as over-weight? Will you ever be satisfied with the amount of weight she loses? Will you insist on plastic surgery to take care of the skin that doesn't bounce back? Will you see stretch marks and be turned off by them?

Remember that she isn't the same young woman that you married. She has lived, loved and raised a family. All of that changes a woman. I bet it has changed you too. Is your hair still the same? Are you the same weight as when you married?

In the past when she has tried losing the weight, what have you done to support her? Do you help fix healthier meals? Do you ask her to go walking with you, if nothing else to spend time together? Do you encourage her to do things like swimming that are less stressful on joints and have a natural resistance factor? Or do you sabotage her efforts? Possibly without realizing what you are doing?

Neither of you seem to be able to work together. You say you will, but your 'compromise' seems to consist of being there if she does what you want. That sounds a bit controlling to me. Are you sure there is a marriage to 'save'?

Maybe you should consider counseling. If not to keep the marriage together, perhaps to keep things on a friendly footing while it is being dissolved.

One last question, has she been medically checked out to make certain her weight gain isn't due to physical or mental (such as depression) problems?

[JudyKayTee]

Thank you Judy, your comments are appreciated.

At present the relationship is pretty much exhausted and i am trying to piece it together and find a way forward, when i say MY commitment i really mean that if she is prepared to commit herself to a healthier way of life and take weight loss and the problems within our marriage seriously than i am prepared to commit myself to our marriage for life. If i can see light at the end of the tunnel than i am happy.

If this would be you and me (and for both of us, thank goodness it's not) my comment would be, "The day I married you I committed myself to you for life. I thought you did the same."

I was widowed. My husband had severe, severe health problems (obviously) for a lengthy period. As he grew sicker his appearance changed. Medication bloated him. He was less able to be independent. He gained a lot of weight because of medication and his change in lifestyle.

He was educated professional, well employed. His illness cost him a lot of income and changed the way we lived - and traveled.

Know how committed to him I was? I changed his diapers at the end, when he was in a coma.

I hope for your wife's sake that she never gets sick.

[tickle]

OH, JKT, you have probably hit a hard spot here. I really don't agree with your entire post.

I think the OP has gone a mile to correct this problem and wifey isn't budging, she says he doesn't like her fat (not exact words) he won't like her thin) so there is more going on here and we don't know the whole story.

But I do agree that he has gone the mile in talking to her about her weight. Now the ball is in her park, and she can't deal with the diagnosis. Her entire lifestyle is up to her now and how she deals with a negative response from the man (she no longer loves maybe someone else who likes her fat) or what. Whatever.
This is a no win situation as far as I can see.

Tick

[JudyKayTee]

You know I love you, Tick, and I respect your comments BUT I don't see that a husband has the "right" (is that a good word) to demand anything from his wife. Maybe she wants out of having sex, out of being married to him, who knows except her, and this is her excuse.

"If you won't lose weight I won't have sex with you."

"Thank goodness!"

I don't have a problem with the problem - I have a problem with the "lose weight or else" line of thinking. As I said, hope she doesn't get sick and go on medication which makes her gain weight.

And, yes, there are no winners here.

[saucysteve]

Thanks all for your comments.

Mixed feeling obviously. For the record - in the course of our attempts to correct our marriage because deep down I believe she does want to correct the issues - we both joined a gym (three yrs ago) as is the norm the wife lasted about 14days, I still go 5 days a week.
I am fitter and healthier than when we got married. Also I encourage her on all her attempts but it appears it's not what she really wants as she will give up at the first hurdle. Despite what some of you may think of me I am not that bad honestly. I am not looking for stick thin, in fact I would not like that either, just a normal healthy woman with curves. Apologies if my issues with heavy women upset you but we are all different and I am not attracted to a heavy women in the same way as I am not attracted to a stick thin woman or a man for that matter. I agree this is probably a no win situation but in most other ways we are compatible and could be happy if we could get through this issue.

[JudyKayTee]

No, YOU could be happy if you could get through this issue. There is no guarantee SHE will be happy.

Does she work and care for your child and your home? Is she a stay at home Mom? How much do participate in child care and taking care of your home? I'm surprised you are able to hit the gym 5 times a week. I did when I was single but now - no way.

Otherwise - I think everything has been said.

[mulattomama]

I do not think it's being shallow that you are not attracted to your wife 100 pounds heavier. 100 pounds is an excessive amount of weight that would drastically change the way your body on the whole looked - not to mention the health issues that would probably spring up carrying that much excess weight around.

Sometimes it's not just the way someone looks but the obvious disregard for themselves or lack of caring about themselves that can be a turn off. Being a previously very heavy person myself, I can say that when you're that large, you do not love yourself and you would probably give anything to lose the weight. Weightloss is difficult at best and she will need your love and support to help her through it. Perhaps you can suggest being more healthy overall - eating better (maybe take a healthy cooking class together) and exercise (walking, dancing, for example). That way you support her and get to spend time together strengthening your relationship too.

Good luck!

[talaniman]

Be careful what you wish for. You inability to love your wife unconditionally, and appreciate her through her mind and soul, while obsessing on the body may well lead her to losing weight, and dumping your mean uncaring A$$ for a real man who understands where she is at, and willing to help in the way she needs you to.

I think you get back to connecting to her mind, and build on the good things you have, and enjoy them, and get over YOUR obsession with her weight. For sure your way has NOT worked, may never work, so my advice is shut the hell up about her weight, because as simple, and logical as you make it sound, its cruel, divisive, and selfish, and controlling.

Despite your logic and making it her problem for not losing that baby fat, she is still the same woman you promised to love, honor, and cherish, no matter what, and you are not doing that. The ladies have tried to tell you to accept her as she is, not what you want her to be, but you don't see anything but what you want her to do. Hope you never get sick, or have an accident that makes you dependent on her love, so take it from a real man, its YOU who must make the right adjustments if this marriage will thrive, and survive so you both can be happy.

Or else stop wasting everyone's time, and leave to marry a health nut or something, but to continue to put YOUR problem, on YOUR female is not being a good partner at all in my book. You ain't meeting her needs at all, I would say, and if she had any sense she would have you in court getting her freedom, and happiness, or sleeping on the porch.

I take a dim view of anyone who would be so in love if only their partner changes a few things. That's stupid because its your obsession with weight that's the problem, and you can only control what YOU do about it. If you can't change yourself, then surely you realize that you can't change her. You haven't so far. You either accept her, or leave her.

Light at the end of the tunnel?! The only one who can't see the light is you. If you were the partner you say you are, you would know why your mate feels the way she does, and why she resists you getting what you want. I already know, because you have shown through words and deeds that you don't accept and appreciate who she is for what she is, and you better correct that. The same way you go to the gym, is the same way you approach changing your own attitude. Need help? Go get a counselor before you destroy those 24 years you have, with irrational thinking, words, and actions.

[QLP]

I know a couple who squabbled for years about her weight gain. The more he pushed at her to lose weight the more she felt that was all he cared about. This upset her and she comfort ate. She got fattter.

Eventually her own unhappiness led her into counselling. She learned to accept herself regardless of what he thought. She has lost 60lbs since then and is still getting lighter.

Something about this whole process left him feeling unhappy. Ironically he has put on about 20lbs as his wife has been losing hers. Despite the fact he doesn't like this, although it's not a huge difference, he doesn't seem to be able to tackle it, something he never struggled with himself in the past. You can bet she isn't feeling sorry for him.

Weight isn't just an issue of eating and excercising, the emotions play a huge part. Shame the people involved often don't get it.

When people are struggling with a personal problem, what they generally most need from their partner is support and acceptance, and the trust and space to work on it in their own way and own time.