[laurettacasey]

I have a 27yr old son who just moved back home to try and get on his feet finanially. We let him live in the basement which is completely furnished with a rec room and bedroom. He has a very good job but because of student loans etc. he got himself into a rut. My husband and I pay for everything including his kitty litter and cat food for his pets. The only thing we asked is that he keep the area clean. I gave him 2 weeks to clean it up otherwise I would go down and clean it myself (it was very messy and dirty). I had given him a date when that date came, he had gone to work, I checked the basement, and after 2 hours of cleaning it was back to normal. When he came home from work, he began calling me vulgar names and throwing things at me because he felt I had invaded his privacy. My husband, tried to calm him down but as usual has blamed me for upsetting him. My son recently has become very angry with me and extremely disrespectful, which I have usually laughed off. My husband has just stated to me that he took my part over this issue and to just shut up over it.
At this point, I'm just not sure what to do?

[tmtrotminor]

Here's how I view this situation..
On one hand, you're being kind and quite generous, which is very admirable of you. But, when an adult has a living space, it is expect not to be touched by anyone but them.. I mean, you wouldn't want one of you're family members coming over, cleaning up your house when you're not home because they thought it was dirty..
However, Your son disrespecting you is not okay either. Your husband taking his side, and not acknowledging the way you feel is also not really fair.
So, here's what I really believe you should do. Sit down with your son for a talk and say, "I just want you to know that I'm sorry for invading your privacy. I had the best intentions, and did not mean to hurt your trust in any way, and it will not happen again. I also want to say that I do not appreciate the way you've been treating in regards to it. It's hurtful, and I need you to stop. I love you, and I would like to move on, and continue having the relationship we've always had."
With that, you're husband should have nothing to say. If he disagrees with that, you might want to sit down and have a serious talk.
Best of luck to you!

[Jake2008]

You're supposed to 'just shut up and get over it?'... I don't think so.

You did the right things- to a point. But, there were no clear rules and boundaries. Telling him he could stay until he is back on his feet financially, is not the same as saying he can stay for three months, and then you expect him to be living on his own.

He has moved in, and taken over. You are not charging him rent, despite the fact that he has a good job. You even buy his kitty litter and food- that's a bit much. It is another missed opportunity in setting boundaries that should have happened before he moved in.

Any house guest, which is what your 27 year old son is, doesn't trash the joint, disrespect you, complain about the accommodations, or a lack of privacy. This is YOUR home- not his. He is walking all over you, and it is clearly time to lay down the law.

Tell him that you expect him to find other accommodations by the first of next month. Do not offer to help him financially- it is time he put his big boy pants on and take care of his own business. He can do what many others of us have had to do over the years- visit the bank, make payment arrangements, change his lifestyle, get financial counselling, and do what he has to do to be a man, step up, and live his life without his parents bailing him out.

You are doing him no favours in allowing this grown man to squat in your home, and I hope both you and your husband come to an agreement that it has to stop.

He needs to grow up, and you need to let him.

[carolynnea]

Your husband needs to grow a pair and your son needs to try to survive on his own so if he is allowed to come back, he would appreciate it. Throwing something at you is ASSAULT unless you are a petutlant child. He needs to GROW UP!