[twansg]

For the last year, I've been seeing a guy that I care deeply about, and he acknowledges that he cares for me also. The primary reason that we aren't in a committed relationship is because he is dissatisfied with his financial position. So, we date on occasion, but there is no intimacy involved (I stopped because of the lack of committment).

Over the last few months I have gotten frustrated by the lack of a real commitment and went out on a few dates with others, but none of them really led to anything beyond the one date. In early May, the communication between my guy and I really took a nosedive, mostly because he was did not get a better paying job that he really wanted, and his mood reflected his disappointment. This went on for two weeks. One week ago, I left the country for vacation and he informed me that he met someone and that he may go on a date with her. He says that they've been talking periodically for about two weeks or so. During this conversation he kept making comments about me seeing someone, that I had erased him out of his life, etc (all which I thought was odd). He called me a few times when I was on vacation, and when I got back from vacation, he told me that he did go on a date with the young lady. I was hurt and surprised because I thought he was just telling me about this lady to make me jealous, not that he would actually go out with her.

He had a nice time on the date, but that they didn't have any immediate plans to see each other a second time. She lives out of state by the way. Also, he has told her that he is not in a financial position to date her and that he has someone who cares about him and that he cares about also (me).

Anyway, the next day, we had a pretty open conversation and he said that he told his friend that he should have been on vacation with me, but his money wasn't right and he also said that part of the reason that he went out with the lady was that she approached him, that it was flattering. He also said that he thought that I had moved on to look for someone better out there. I was really surprised he admitted that. He also said that he isn't dating this lady because he isn't necessarily trying to pursue a serious relationship with her, and he also isn't saying that he won't see her again.

I guess my question is, now that I've reassured him that I am still interested in him despite his financial woes, is it likely that we will be able to resume our relationship? I couldn't understand why he would tell me about this woman, is it likely that he did tell me in order to gauge my reaction and level of interest? Okay so now that he knows that I never had intentions of looking for someone else, now what? I am concerned about him continuing to see this other woman and possibly developing more than a friendship with her.

[ironhide262]

Why hang around for someone that feels that his level of commitment to you is dependent on his financial situation?

You write that the both of you "date on occasion" yet both of your reactions to each other dating other people suggests a more deeper involvement in the relationship.

I think if he can't commit to going to the next step with you,despite his financial woes, then you move on to other options. I think you acknowledged that to yourself when going out on dates with other guys.Good for you!Why be on the hook? Why pursue a relationship that is hit a dead end?

[Jake2008]

You were the first one to (rightly so) stop the intimacy when there was no commitment to a serious relationship from him, which is what I presume you wanted.

It seems like things just faded, he was not compromising or trying to build his relationship with you. You dated others, vacationed alone. Then you came back and realized he also dated someone.

Now you are having different feelings.

I think that you both need to have a heart to heart, and put all the cards on the table, and agree or reach some sort of understanding where the relationship is going to go, or whether the relationship is over.

I suspect that he means more to you than you realized, and perhaps he is also realizing that, as he said he told the girl he dated that he was also interested in someone else.

But, that is not enough to say that the two of you are 'a couple'. Exclusive, and both on the same path with the same goals together.

If you are both happy to maintain a friendship together, that's one thing. But, if he is expecting you to be exclusive to him, and you are expecting him to be exclusive to you, the only people that can forge that path and figure it out, is the two of you.

[twansg]

Thanks, your feedback was very helpful. Yes, I stopped the intimacy because I wanted to be clear that I wanted more than that, and he seemed to understand. I think you are right that we do need a further conversation. Two days ago I told him that my feelings for him haven't changed, but that I dated out of frustration that things were not progressing. I get the sense that he may not be ready to come to an understanding just yet: one, I think he went on date #2 today (with the same woman) and two, the issue of his finances is still a concern for him. Either way, I need to be more clear than I am. I, too thought it odd that he would be going out with a new woman and then telling her about me. Also, he told her that he told me about her, also. What do you think this means?

[twansg]

I guess in my heart of hearts I want to know more definitively whether its over or whether we can come to some kind of understanding...

[Jake2008]

Well, if I'm reading you right, you have given him plenty of opportunity to step up along the way, and surely he must have known about your frustration (just by the lack of intimacy alone). A platonic relationship (I would think for both of you) would be hard to maintain without each of you wanting more.

He could be just testing the waters, but I don't get the impression that he is expecting to be any more involved with a new woman, than he is or was, with you. It seems he's keeping women at arm's length for some reason, and that may be because of the fanancical thing, or the financial thing might be just an excuse to not be involved with anybody.

Do you think that he might go to counselling with you? Is it worth the investment to have a third party offer assistance in coming to some conclusion and insight about what is going on with him?

Because you are still ready and wanting a relationship with him, the hurdles you face, so far, are ones that he is not willing to budge on. Maybe it has reached a point where he has to address the issues he has with finances, and why that stalls him from having a healthy relationship with you. There has to be more to his reluctance. I know few people who are satisfied with their income, but that doesn't stop love from developing.

If, after giving him options to address the relationship; your needs and wants, his needs and wants, and what the problems are, he still has no resolve or desire to truly try to have a relationship, then sadly, I would consider moving on.

[Fr_Chuck]

It was never there to be over, to be over there had to be a real two way commitment. Even if he was homeless and living in a shelter, he can find "love" and make a real choice in life.

Sorry but first all of this dating others story he is telling you could be real or just a story

[twansg]

I don't think he would be open to counseling at this point. In terms of "testing the waters" you may be right. He mentioned that after his divorce he didn't date, and some friends have suggested to him that he should date, or go out and make more of an effort to be social (he's a hardcore homebody). On this, I would argue that he should be dating me, not the new lady. What is the point of dating her or testing the waters if he's already told her he's not in a financial position to date her, either.

[talaniman]

If stopping intimacy didn't get what you wanted from him, then its time to stop ALL contact with this fellow. Take control of your life without him in it, and then he can make his own mind up about what he wants to do.

As long as you are available for his BS, you will continue to get his BS!!

[Jake2008]

Chuck has a good point- you really don't know what he's telling this other woman. Maybe he is playing the same game with her, as he is you, or maybe not.

And, Tal has a good point too, for you to take control of your own life. To wait for him to make any progress after so long without any progress might not be worth the effort.