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promising0 · Jun 3, 2011, 03:18 AM

My name is Sandra and I am the single mom of 2 kids a daughter who is 18 and a son who is 14. My daughter is graduating from h.s. in a few weeks and since she turned 18 she went from the normal arguments a teen has with her mom to verbally cursing at me and now this past weekend she started a fight with me which escalated to her punching me on my leg 3 times. In front of my 14 yr old son and her girlfriend who lives with us. My son was crying, her girlfriend did nothing to stop her. I have an auto-immune disease called scleroderma and she hurt me so bad that I have a huge black and blue bruise on my inner knee and thigh. My first instinct was to call the police, but, I didn't want her to get arrested. I made her leave and she lives with her gf's family now until we move to Florida to be closer to her father and father's side of the family. I have not told her father yet, I want him to live with her so he can see what I'm talking about with her mood changes. We're divorced, he will think it's me who provoked her in some way. Even though we have been divorced since 99'. I don't even want to go to her h.s. graduation. I'm embarrassed and don't know what I should do? I left her dad because of the same behavior, my kids were 3 and 1 so they never saw any abuse. I'm in a position of being her mom and wanting to help her, but God forgive me I don't like her right now.

tickle · Jun 3, 2011, 05:37 AM

You should have called the police after the abuse, promising. Its called 'tough love' and although you love her she must realize her abuse is not acceptable, especially towards her mother. Could be the police could have put a good scare into her so she would think twice about her actions and not repeat them towards you or anyone.

promising0 · Jun 3, 2011, 07:38 AM

I understand that tickle, I had the phone in my hand to call. It's bad enough what she did and we all will remember what she did, but, I didn't trust the Las Vegas police in giving her just a scare. It would have put a rift between my son and I and not to mention new problems with her father. I'm waiting for him to come from FL pon the 21st for her graduation and tell him in person and have him live with her so he can see what I'm talking about with her. Then show him the pics I took. If I arrested her and he doesn't see what I see in her it would have made my life more difficult with him and we still have a 14 YR old to still raise. He needs to see how much she has changed so he can talk to her. She needs anger management help. But, I'm done she's 18 graduated she will never live with me again. She ruined our relationship. I did throw her out.
Thank you for your comment.

tickle · Jun 3, 2011, 08:42 AM

You seem to have your head screwed on right regarding this particular problem and I hope it all works out for you, one way or another. It is tough enough being a mom these days without having an offspring that abuses their mother's love.

Tick

sueraq · Jun 4, 2011, 09:01 PM

Don't be ashamed for your feelings. She hurt you - you wouldn't take that from anybody else would you? Its NOT okay! I wouldn't go to her graduation either... she needs to know that you can and will disown her. She's 18 therefore according to the law she's an adult and you have no more responsibility. Can't wait for my daughter to turn 18... I will have no more responsibility and I can kick her out. Hopefully, she'll leave. If she doesn't I will.

Jake2008 · Jun 5, 2011, 06:51 AM

I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet.

That you did 'throw her out', did send a message, loud and clear, that you won't tolerate the behaviour. You also set a good example for your son that injuring another physically, can never be accepted. And I agree that your husband needs to know what is going on, and talking to him face to face is the best way.

Everybody has to learn that solving problems by violence, never solves anything.

I am wondering why the argument that led to her punching you, got so out of control in the first place. Perhaps there was a history of these arguments that were never resolved without fighting I don't know.

What are you going to do if she doesn't end up staying with her father. If it is a possibility that she will return to live with you, use this time to insist on a few ground rules. One would be counselling for the both of you, to learn how to argue effectively, set some boundaries, and learn reasonable problem solving skills, that don't involve escalating verbal arguments. I get the sense that the arguing has gone on a long time, in the same sort of patterns.

It would be nice if your husband did allow her to live with him, but if it is only a temporary measure, you need to be prepared, if and when, she does return home.

I would go to her graduation, if only to let her know you love her, and you are proud of this accomplishment. Some day, I think you will regret it very much if you don't attend this milestone in her life. Stay long enough to see her graduate, and then leave.

I have known many, who have been shoved, pushed, punched, had things thrown at them, and otherwise suffered intolerable behaviour from their teen at some point during these tumultuous years. It does not mean that everything is lost, or that at some point in the future, she will be grown up enough to rebuild a relationship with you in a more mature way.

I hope you don't give up completely, and that in time, if only because she is moving into adulthood, that maturity on her part, and forgiveness on your part, will mend the relationship in the future.