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deeKbee · May 30, 2011, 06:32 AM

This is a fairly long story but I really need help and thought there might be others out there that have experienced something similar.

I am 57 yrs old and been involved with a man who's 52 for 2 1/2 yrs. From the beginning I was absolutely crazy about him but he has wanted to be friends and not a couple. He had nothing when I met him and homeless at times. I helped him a LOT. There was occasional intimacy. He later said that was a mistake. I never wanted to be just a friend.

Last July we moved in together as room mates. He had his rooma and I had mine. I was not happy with that but willing to do it just to be with him. We like all the same things and enjoy being together,etc. He feels sex makes me want more--as in a commitment and relationship and he says we are not a couple. Well--we got into an argument about something stupid and he got drunk. Very drunk. It ended with him hurting me and I had him arrested. He pled guilty to aggravated assault. He had no other arrests for violence. No jail time--3 yrs probabtion,but he is still in jail for an unrelated probation violation.

So he has been locked up for 5 months. There was no contact for 2 months after the assult and then I wrote him a letter. It was on again. Visits,letters and phone calls. He wants us to be room mates again when he gets out. Wants me to rent a place and have it ready. My gut tells me no.

I miss the good times so much. The things we did together. He is all I think about. I have told him I love him. He says he loves me as a friend,but not in love with me. I am in therapy,but it doesn't seem to help. I just want him and to be with him. I think I may be chasing the good times and ignoring the bad. I don't know if this jail time will help him to quit drinking,but I doubt it. He's 52--not 25. I told him I couldn't promise anything,but he is really pushing me to rent a place for "us". He doesn't even have a release date yet. Could be 3 months or 6 months.

I don't know how to tell him no. I have always said yes to him--most of the time. I hate the thought of never seeing him again,but I don't want to be just his room mate. Should I write him a letter telling him the truth? I am not happy where I am living and the place I could rent is a good deal and he says I shouldn't pass it up. It is a good deal,but is it really worth the potential heart ache of living with a man I love who is not interested in loving me back--other than as a friend? PLEASE HELP. Thanks

Margaritaki · May 30, 2011, 07:44 AM

You have seriously a big problem!I think that you should tell him to talk with you face to face and apologies!Ask him if he is still drinking!Be really careful!it could cost your life!! if you love him you have to forgive him but I think that he will use you!tell him that if you stay with him you will not be just roommates! BUT BE Careful!you love him but you have to say what you want from him!And just do what your heart say!;))!OK you are clever enough to unterstand if he loves you or not!But anything you do be really careful!

ironhide262 · May 30, 2011, 07:54 AM

The fact is from the start he has never wanted what you have wanted and continue to want.Why do you continue to ignore that?

Just because you become someone's savior doesn't mean that they will love you. You offered and he took. You were re-payed by getting assaulted. Does this even make him a friend?

Just be direct, tell him that it's over between the two of you and that he doesn't contact you in anyway.PERIOD! Continue with your therapy and move on.

amicon · May 30, 2011, 08:40 AM

Time to wake up and smell the coffee-he's an abusive waste of space who's used you for years and now wants you to continue being his doormat.

With a criminal record he's not likely to be able to get decent accommodation for himself so he wants you to come to the rescue again.

Don't.

You can't save him-but you can save yourself.

Run,continue your therapy and rebuild your life.

talaniman · May 30, 2011, 01:22 PM

Listen to your gut and end this charade before something worse happens. You knew what the deal was from the beginning and he still tells you the same thing, NO RELATIONSHIP, but free sex is okay, plus if he still drinks, then chances are you will have to call the cops again.

You are to old to run into a brick wall, or be a fool. Love my arse, that's just plain crazy.

deeKbee · May 30, 2011, 02:00 PM

So far your answers are in line with what I am thinking. I need support as the end will be difficult for me. I know I have problems and I even call myself crazy--crazy over him! One problem is--I have everything he owns--even his billfold and vehicle. Not sure how to handle that. He is in jail and can't do anything to me. Not sure how much longer he has--depends on work credits and IF he stays out of trouble. He has never been in jail this long and it is really getting to him. I thought he would have been in trouble before now but he's managed to keep his cool. I want to stay strong and able to stand my ground. He does not have a single person to care about him,visit or contact him. No family or friends who are willing or able to be there for him. I feel sad about that and I guess I shouldn't. Sometime I think I need to be locked up so I can't get to him! It's not a good feeling and very few people can understand it. Thanks to you all.

talaniman · May 30, 2011, 04:32 PM

Bet you fall for stray cats, and puppies too!!

Alty · May 30, 2011, 04:53 PM

He does not have a single person to care about him,visit or contact him. No family or friends who are willing or able to be there for him.

He's old enough to take care of himself. The fact that he never has is a huge red flag for you.

I feel sad about that and I guess I shouldn't

He knows that it makes you sad, that's what he's betting on. He's hoping that you'll fall for his pity act and rescue him again. He's not worth it.

Sometime I think I need to be locked up so I can't get to him! It's not a good feeling and very few people can understand it

You're not crazy. You love him. The fact is, he doesn't love you, not even a little bit. He's using you, and you're letting him. How long will you put up with this? How long before you realize this is a dead end?

Tell him no. He can't force you. It's your decision, your life. Live it for you, not for someone that treats you like dirt. You're better then that. Act like it!

deeKbee · May 31, 2011, 04:27 AM

I sure do. I have four dogs. Three dropped at my door and one I picked from a cardboard box at a flea market. One thing for sure--they have not been nearly as much trouble as my "friend".

deeKbee · May 31, 2011, 04:37 AM

I'm writing the letter today. No more room mates. I want more. He can't give it. I love the good in him and there is some. But the bad is bad and I can't change that. I can't make him love and respect me. I have no idea what I will do with the feelings I have for him. It's not like I haven't had other men who are interested. That's not it. I am not desperate. There are four men who have made offers of interest. It's that I desire this bad one like none I've ever known. I didn't fall for a total creep and he was honest from the beginning. I took care of him by my own free will. He didn't ask from the start. It took a while. Then the good times got fewer and farther between and the tears came more and more. It's time to laugh again and I sure don't think it can be with him. I am very sad that he can't be the man I want him to be. Very sad.

amicon · May 31, 2011, 05:06 AM

Good decision-move forward and find yourself again.

Laughter is the best medicine.

Best of luck.