[brent.0987]

If she was an ex girlfriend, I would do No contact just like I did last time, no its time to move forward.

But she is not an ex girlfriend, and yes I don't know what to do in this case, which is why I'm here lol.

Obviously everyone so far thinks I should stick to hard core no contact... so let me ask this then... what does she have to do for me to accept contact from her so that I know she still thinks there's potentially a future together... because in the ends that's what this is all about... I potentially see something with her in the future, but she's just been acting so different the last 2 months, literally acting one way one hour and saying certain things, to saying and acting another way the other hour... if I know she doesn't see something in the future with us then id know to go no contact... ive asked her this many times, and I never get a clear answer, or if I do it changes anyway lol... so is there anything she could do or say that makes me accept her contact? Does she have to send me a text saying after being away from each other for abit she realizes she really wants to continue things and see where they go? Does she have to harass me with phone calls for me to finally answer? There's no other way we communicate, she doesn't have my e-mail and we won't be bumping into each other anytime soon.

Or it doesn't matter what she texts me or how many times she calls... I should just not take any chances and ignore everything until I know I lost majority of those feelings?

[ironhide262]

OK... anytime a girl is giving you all kinds of mixed signals and not making any sense then it's time to bail out! Given your history of being FWB and your feelings towards her from the start do you think she wants what you want now? You had your chance when she was all over you and now she's got other opportunities on the go. I mean did you think she would wait forever?

I don't feel sorry for you bud. This is what usually happens in a FWB situation... one person always starts developing feelings for the other and this time you got burned! Oh she may call you.. when she's lonely and all her other options have dried up. That's what you were happy with before and she may still be on that program.

We all understand the YOU see some potential with her in the future but the point that you're missing is the future for a real RELATIONSHIP came and went in HER mind-this is quite apparent in the actions she has portrayed in the thread you have written. You've just been missing all the signals, blind from your ego.

.what does she have to do for me to accept contact from her so that I know she still thinks there's potentially a future together

---what have you done this whole time to show her that you want a serious relationship with her? Was it not she the one that initiated all the contact?

In my opinion , yes, you should go no contact. Let her go.. she has her own issues to deal with. You need to get over all this,clear that confused mind and heal that bruised ego. She doesn't have to be your girlfriend for you to go no contact. You want more and she doesn't... if you could simply handle that you wouldn't be on this forum.

[talaniman]

When words, and actions don't match, and you have lost all objectivity, you back up, way up, and get your head together.

LOL, see where you are driving yourself NUTS, wondering what to do if she calls, and she hasn't called in 7 days??

If I were you, I wouldn't wonder about what to do since finally you admit you have talked before. I would have been happy for the time and attention, and made up my mind to close this door, so another can open. There is no potential here fella, no matter how much you think there is. I suspect she either is exploring other, better options, or letting you cool your heels because you were getting carried away and wanted more from her than she was willing to give, OR, and most likely, all of the above.

Instead of sitting in limbo, get your own plan, your own program, that doesn't include her, just so you have better options to pursue. NC is for you to heal, and be able to make better decisions for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings. And boy could you stand to make better decisions.

[brent.0987]

I think you guys are right about her, not that I didn't know this but she obviously lost interest, when someone goes from being so sure to want to be with you to regressing to sending you mixed signals, that's a pretty strong message.

I know a lot of you might say I missed my chance or wtv but I don't see it that way at all. Im still not even ready to jump into a relationship with her anyway so even if shed turn around right now and say I want to be your girlfriend, my answer would still be no. I don't rush into relationships, I take my time for a reason and I think that reason came to good purpose here... This girl told me she loved me for the first time in the month of December... here we are 5 or 6 months later and what happened, she doesn't love me anymore? She says she does but who are we kidding, she obviously took a massive step back. I know many of you will also say well she got tired of waiting... but I have never lied to her about my feelings,I slowly got more and more feelings with for her, I was fair, I did not give her false hope, was very honest... she is the one who has given me false hope recently by changing her behavior with me and yet telling me she loves me and treating me as her boyfriend half the time... One thing is for sure, if you love someone, pretty sure it lasts more than 5 or 6 months... I guess me taking my time paid off because better to know someone's true colours now than 5 years from now, which is what happened with my ex girlfriend of 5 years.

Knowing all this doesn't make it any easier though... I remember this feeling just a yer and a half go, that empty feeling, not being able to sleep, eat, focus, depressed all the time, and it really doesn't help that I have my midterms coming for school. So its not like I could go out and do all these things, I'm trapped at home studying :(. I know I was much worse last time (well it was a much longer relationship and it actually was my girlfriend lol) but doesn't mean its easy.

Is there anything I should do? I know I have to stick to no contact but I guess I still want to hear it from others lol. One thing I did with my xgf of 5 years like 3 days after we broke up was write her a big email saying how I didn't want this and wanted to stay together. I know the circumstance is different this time, but I had done that with my xgf as a way to tell myself I know for sure there's nothing I could do now and won't have any regrets moving forward, knowing I at least tried... I always believe in trying my best in anything I do in life. Like I did have sex with this girl just 10 days ago and she says she can't have sex with a guy unless there's feelings involved and she told me just 8 days ago how she was in lala land after our day together. Does this count for anything? Does this tell me I should try something if she hasn't contacted in another week? I know my mind is not thinking straight right now, so although the answer seems easy from the outside, it isn't on the inside :(.

The first week and first month are always the worse feelings in the world I remember that.

Can't wait to hear your thoughs

Thank you everyone for the support so far

[brent.0987]

Oh and one more thing... after my breakup a year and a half ago, I thought I was done with love for a wile and wasn't even sure if id be able to feel like that again for someone. Then this girl comes out of knowhwere, chased me like an animal for so long, and now this happens... I don't know if I love her, but its def close it to it, something I didn't expect to happen not that far removed from my last relationship... she literally came out of knowhere

[ironhide262]

Im st ill not even ready to jump into a relationship with her

Well you're mind may have not been willing but, your heart sure did commit itself!- That's all it takes.

I don't rush into relationships, I take my time for a reason

Tell that to your heart... do you think that you would be in your current situation if that were true? This is why we date and use our head(the big one on your shoulders) to find out all we can about someone, to see if they are worth sticking your neck out for them, before you start opening up your heart. If you really think about it you will see that most of your decisions with this girl were more based on feelings than good judgement.

Just because she had a great day with you 8 days ago doesn't mean she's ready to make a commitment! That was then, this is now. Trying to analyze the comments/actions from someone who is confused only leads to more confusion on your part... something a person only does when they are desperate. Like Tal wrote "there's no potential" here... time to "close that door"... you're taking your "licks"... I hope you're learning some lessons too.

[brent.0987]

What really made me start feeling for this girl is seeing how she was so into me for who I was, the way she looked at me and admired me, the way she's such a sweethart, the way I was so comfortable with her... these are the reason I started to open my hart up, because she did this consistently and not just for 1 week... I know it really sucks... yes there is no doubt about it that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants, that was one thing that was made clear in our last encounter 10 days ago... and I guess so I am with my feelings towards her... I know how bad it sounds, here I am on a relationship forum complaining I'm sad about a girl I care for so much, yet I wouldn't even go out with her right now... but to be honest, one of the big reason I wouldn't go out with her (aside from still wanting to be single) is that my head knows to stay away because I know something's not right with this whole situation, the way she's flip floped the way she has... I really don't like that, nobody does. I know I'm not perfect in this situation, but I haven't flip floped, I've just slowly increase my feelings, never sent mixed messages. Everything I've told you guys I've told her... she knows how much I care for her and that I still wouldn't go out with her... I even told her not to flatter herself when she told me she wouldn't go out with me right now (not like I asked her to lol)... but from her situation, this girl was in a bad relationship for 3 years with her xbf where she was trapped... she had no freedom and then started going to clubs where she has all these deuchebags hitting on her. I mentioned it before she's a bombshell but she gets easily annoyed of guys who chase her, which is a big reason why she was so attracted to me. She loved how I didn't chase her or suffocate her and knew how sincere and real I was. Im not an artificial person, I'm not fake, I'm also not afraid to say what's on my mind... the proof is how you guys are really letting me have it on this post lol, but I'm happy you guys are being honest. That's what I want.

A lot of people made reference to my bruised ego and I def think that's part of this... I just need to try and separate how much is my ego, how much is my feelings for her and how much is it that she's extremely hot lol... I know it sounds bad but guys I'm sure you could relate, when you have chemistry with a girl, she's sweet, you feel comfortable and can be yourself with her and she's a knockout, its a lot harder to walk away lol.

Anyway, its officially one week of no contact, going on day 8 :(

Still want to hear your advice on my previous post

[Jake2008]

I can't figure out your definition of a relationship with this newest one.

It seems to me that she was pursuing you, while she was with her boyfriend. You were the focus of 'something better' and (you pointed out she didn't want to be alone) she was looking for a new relationship, while still involved with someone else; in other words going from the frying pan into the fire. She took no time to heal from one relationship, before even considering a new relationship.

She was never available, emotionally or otherwise, to build a new relationship with you.

And I don't hear you saying much about her as a person. Except we do know she cheats, she lies, she uses people, she's in not very mature, and because of all of the above, she doesn't know what she wants any more than you do.

She was never in a solid relationship with you, because the rules kept changing. She loves you, she doesn't love you, she wants to be friends with benefits, then she doesn't. She wants continuous contact, then she cuts you off.

Suddenly now that you ARE available to her, she dumps you and bounces off to the next person. Why are you so unsure of yourself when faced with the obvious.

You should have stuck to your guns when she first started pursuing you, and left her alone completely.

If you are looking for a serious relationship, maybe it is time for a little self evaluation here. Determine what constitutes a relationship for you. If it is as you've said it is for the past year, many women (willing partners that sleep around as much as you do) that is your choice. If it is to develop a friendship based on a more solid footing that takes time and commitment, that is also your choice. Think about what you want and need in a relationship, set your standards a little higher, and don't fall for an insecure woman who has to have a man in her life and uses you as the rebound guy.

Figure out the difference between needs and wants, and learn to let go when things are just not going to work out. Move on. The only behaviour you can control is your own.

[brent.0987]

I took today to really think about what it is exactly that's been bothering me with this whole situation. It didn't make sense to me that I was so hung up on this girl, yet I never went out with her and wouldn't even want her to go out with me anyway.

I came to realize that what's been pissing me off is that regardless of what we were, we are very close. Im the closest person in her life and she's one of the closest people in my life. But latetly, I just feel like she's been acting shady, whether it's a hidden agenda, lies or wtv, I just don't like what I've seen recently from this person whose suppose to be so close to me, never mind anything to do with feelings. I think I projected her to be this good person who I could trust but I think I've had a blindfold on and haven't realized that what's really bothering me is her shadyness towards me. One thing about me is that I am very strick on the respect thing with friends or anyone who is considered to be a part of my life.

So here is what I am thinking
1) if she never contacts me again for the rest of my life, then I'm good with that
2) if she does, I'm thinking I will tell her pretty much what I just told you guys above about how I feel she's been acting shady and its not the first time we've had this problem. I would then go on to tell her I don't see the benefit of having her in my life if that's the kind of person she is and why should I keep her around when I've stop talking to many friends of mine for similar friends (being shady)... I will then tell her to take some time to think about hat I just said, and that if she still wants to be a part of my life, she will stop this weird behavior. Il tell her if she doesn't think she could stop acting shady or with not good intentions, then there's no point in trying to fake it because if I ever start feeling shady stuff again, we won't be on good terms ever again. I will end by telling her I actually don't care what she has to say, because her word means nothing to me anymore and to take the time to think if she can be a good person with me and if not, then if I never talk to her ever again I'm fine with that because the image I have of her right now is not a good one.

What do you guys think of this?

[brent.0987]

Oh and two little things

1) I will not bring up anything about us in terms of a relationship or friends with benefits or wtv... everything I will say is what I wrote above, that's stricly about if she's going to be someone in my life, I won't tolerate the shadyness or She's OUT lol... theres no point talking about what me and her are, because first off, I don't want to go out with her so that means she's just a friend that yes I may or may not full aorund with sometimes... and also, it doesn't really matter what this girl says because latetly she's changed her mind so quickly and so often, wtv she will say won't matter anyway... she does have a history of wanting me more every time I see her and I act myself... myself means I'm not pissed at her and not worried about if she likes me or not lol


2) our last contact, now 8 days ago was the her txting me she was thinking about me and saying goodnight xoxo... I ignored that text message after I told her if she wanted to talk she could call me in a couple of week... it was also her birthday 3 days later, I did not wish her or text her happy birthday in any way, shape or form.

[brent.0987]

I mean I told her if she wants to talk to call me in a couple of weeks... later that night she txted me she was thinking about me and said goodnight

[talaniman]

How obnoxious, I wouldn't call you either.

[brent.0987]

I know its not the nicest thing to say but at the same time, this is how I am when people start screwing around with me and something's off.. im in control of my actions, and if I don't say this I feel like she will think she has the go ahead to do whatever she wants and THINK she has me hooked at the same time... This girl gives me **** about having so many friends that are girls yet she's acts like a weirdo one second and like I'm her boyfriend the next... I don't think so

Anyone whose a friend of mine, I don't tolerate weirdness and shadyness. So if her plan is to try and make sure I want her and only her wile she could do whatever she wants... thats pretty shady and not a quality I want if someone is part of my life. If she stops treating me as a boyfriend, stops getting mad at me for stuff a girlfriend would get mad at and wants just to be friends good. But when you treat me as your boyfriend when its convenient to you and get mad when you get jealous of other girls THAT ARE MY FRIENDS... I don't think so. Im actually extremely annoyed of this now that I am thinking about it.

[BMI]

So if her plan is to try and make sure i want her and only her wile she could do whatever she wants...thats pretty shady and not a quality i want if someone is part of my life.

Sounds like what you did to her, captain!!

Furthermore, she has NOT contacted you! I don't think she really cares whether you want her at this point, evidenced by the fact that she has NOT contacted you!

She acts, she literally applies NC. You talk a lot.

Deal with this: You.are.done.

It is you, in your basement, going crazy considering every possible scenario, getting angry, asking question after question, changing the story, pretending you could care less about talking with her, pretending you know what NC is.

It is her, not giving this a quarter of thought or effort considering anything about you.

Please, no need to respond to this, I beg you.

[talaniman]

I got to say you have a very good handle on looking through this through the filter of your own feelings, but what would you expect from a female that did All the initiating and you did none. From a female that you allowed her to chase you when she was with someone else, and who needs time to heal from that failed relationship. She is supposed to act weird, and confused, and you should have known that from the get go, and backed away a long time ago.

But leave it to a guy who doesn't see all that, and wonder what's going on after he gets his head in to the pot, and still wants what he wants.

This was doomed from the start, but you just missed the signs, so leave it alone, and look forward, and not back. Then you will have a chance to see the lessons, and learn from them.

[brent.0987]

Thank you everyone for the continued responses even if there harsh lol. Especially BMI and Talaniman, thanks for the advice so far.
There are a couple of things I want to say

1) Yes she hasn't contacted me in 8 days, but it was me who told her we need a break from each other and once she called me later that night I told her to call me in a couple of weeks if she wants and we could talk then, I then ignored her text later that night and did not wish her happy birthday 3 days later. Its not her who “left me” (we were never together) or her who ignored me or initiated us not contacting each other or anything.
2) I wasn't shady with her or kept her clinging to me and only me, she went on a chase, I didn't ignore her, why should I. Do you guys ignore hot, sweet girls who start chasing you? No you don't and if its never happened to you ill tell you right now, you won't either. I wasn't going to ignore a girl who just started to know me and was obviously after me. I always told her if another guy comes along to give him a chance because I didn't want to hold her back knowing that id tell her its highly unlikely wed end up together. Yes she did most of the initiating but I still did my share also. Once I started to get feelings after about 7 months, I stopped telling her to go after other guys, I just wouldn't say anything and went with the flow. She knows how I feel, she knows I have feelings and she knows I wouldn't go out with her right now but she also knows it's a lot more likely than it used to be.
3) The reason I want to know what to do IF she contacts me is because I like being ready and knowing what I'm going to do in advance for this situation, to avoid doing something I don't want to do or regret if I just decide in the moment. She is very perseverant, and the one time I didn't talk to her for 2 months because she had lied to me and I told her not to talk to me, she went 2 months but then found all these excuses to talk to me. Im not an artificial person and I'm not a fake person so that's why I don't think I could just pretend all is good if she contacts me when I feel like she's acted very shady recently. The other thing is, I don't think I have enough feelings for her or am hurt enough to do no contact (yes I won't initiate contact, but ignoring her I don't think there's a reason to do that considering my situation and how I feel) I also think id be doing her a favor by ignoring her if she contacts. Our whole history together, every time she sees me especially when she hasn't for a wile, she would want more. Its when I don't see her or talk to her much that it makes it a little easy for her. Out of sight out of mind is for both people. I said it before that although I do have feelings, I realized a lot of what was bothering me was that I let her take control and allowed her to act shady, NOT MY KINDOF THING TO ALLOW TO BE DONE.

Part of what's also bothering me is that I feel like I'm doing her a favor if I ignore her, when I know that would make it harder on her. I know that no matter what happens, in my head I have to see this as over but yes does hurt a little bit. But I am already better than the first couple of days. But I also know I don't feel NEARLY as bad as when me and my ex of 5 years broke up, which also tells me my feeling for this new girl weren't as much as I thought they were now that I've taken a step back.

Would love to hear your thoughs


Forgot to mention,

If she contacts, I will be ingoring her first few attempts. Its not like her AT ALL to easily give up so if she only calls once and that's it, then il know its best I don't answer.

[talaniman]

Do you guys ignore hot, sweet girls who start chasing you? No you don't and if its never happened to you ill tell you right now, you won't either. I wasn't going to ignore a girl who just started to know me and was obviously after me

I have more than a few times, and would again, rather than go through the head games you are. Where is the future in it?

I prefer emotionally healthy females, as friends, and lovers. You already have gotten my advice for dealing with someone who needs to get their act together through a proper healing, so keep this rebound going at your own risk, IF she comes your way, and hasn't found better things to do.

[brent.0987]

So you think only once a reasonable amount of time has gone by, and if I our paths ever cross again I should ever consider anything?

[ironhide262]

Ask that question after you have healed up and learned from all of this. NC all the way, no contact... ZERO!

[talaniman]

You should have moved on to better things in a reasonable amount of time.