[merc0230]

Ok, so long story short.

My ex wife and I recently separated (again). Our relationship has been off and on for the past several years (yes, I realize how bad that was).

This time when we separated, my ex filed a whole bunch of false charges (Domestic Violence) and fortunately, the court saw through her lies. However, she (of course) has had an ton of influence on my children (16 and 18). So, they believe her. While I am certain in the years to come they will see the truth. However, my relationship with them has been very strained. At this point I don't see and barely communicate with my 18 year old daughter. Of course I continue to reach out to her, but she continually rejects my attempts to see her and ignores my communication requests.

Now, I still provide for my kids including cars and cell phones, etc. So my real question is: If they want me out of their lives, do I leave them be and wait for them to come around? Do I remove things like their cell phones and cars? I mean, if they don't want me in their lives, why should I keep paying for those types of luxury's. It's not about money... I could careless about the costs... I'm just at a loss.

And yes, of course I have tried to talk to them.

[Wondergirl]

What behaviors between you and your wife have your children observed? Have either of you lashed out verbally or even physically at the children? Has there been emotional abuse?

[merc0230]

No, there has never been any type of abuse. Arguments, sure, especially after I caught her cheating, but no type of abuse.

[ScottGem]

My recommendation is to write them a letter. In that letter you need to first apologize for them having to go through what you AND your wife have put them through. You need to take an equal share of the blame. Next you tell them you still love them and want to remain a part of their lives. Tell them you understand why they might not want that right now but you stand ready to be their father whenever they want you to be.

Then back off an leave them alone for a bit.

I would not remove the "luxuries", but the 18 yr old needs to understand that she will need to take responsibility for her own life soon. I would wait another 6 months then tell her, that since she is now an adult she will have to pay for her own phone, car insurance, etc. Tell her she would have had to do this regardless of your relationship with her mother.

[Jake2008]

I would just like to add a few suggestions.

Your children have already lived through more than one separation, and have come to realize that when they go through this extremely hard process with their parents deciding to separate, they have no say. They only see the result which must have been after a long period of seeing their parents (at the least) unhappy and miserable.

So they are left on the receiving end, after you go. They have to accept a mother who (obviously) does not put their needs first and instead is the type of vindictive person that would throw abuse charges your way. It matters not that the court found them unsubstantiated, but that she is the type of woman who would go to to those extremes, to hurt you. But, what she chooses not to consider is the effect of her behaviour, on the children still in the home.

So you must consider that they will be going through, again, a separation between their parents, as well as a full-time diet of only their mother's point of view- because that is all they hear by not talking to you.

You need to find a way to communicate with them, without compromising yourself, or lowering yourself to your wife's 'standards', or giving them more information than they need.

I can think of two ways to do that. One is to communicate with them, and set some boundaries. One of those boundaries might be that the difficulties between you and their mother, are not their concern, nor do you have to explain yourself or gain their acceptance for your decision to leave the family home. It is what it is, for only reasons that need decided by you and your wife.

The second part of that as I see it, is to keep things simple. Tell them (email if you have to, and repeatedly so they get the picture), that you love them, and that has not, and never will change. You need to separate the mess between you and your wife, from them in other words. Let them know that you would be willing to go to counselling with them, and talk through all of the hurt feelings, miscommunications, etc. and work hard to establish a healthy relationship- with them. Give them the power to make a decision to also help themselves with this.

They do not have to be loyal only to one parent to such a degree that the other (you) is shut out by what they have obviously (for now) chosen to believe from their mother. While she seems to be using them for leverage, and control in order to hurt you, they in turn deal with her bitterness. They need a safe place to find their footing, without losing love for either parent.

So keep your relationship with them, separate from the relationship you have with her.

I would also suggest that you seek counselling yourself. That you have put yourself through many separations with your wife, and consequently have affected your children's lives to a degree I doubt your realize, it is important that you proceed in the best possible, informed way, in order to re-establish a relationship with your children.

To wait until they come around as if by some divine intervention is the easy way out, and may or may not happen. I would, if I were in your shoes, realize that this is far more than a wait and see situation, with the emphasis on waiting to see if you can convince them of your truth, over your wife's truth (which they are fully aware already).

Get the help you need, in order to learn how to proceed without further hurting your children, with a goal of effective parenting, and relationships with them that will last a lifetime. It is no longer about you and your wife, it is now you and your children.

Taking away the cell phone, is only punishing them for not communicating with you no matter how you slice the cheese. Plus you feed into your wife's perception that you are a lousy person, and taking away things from your children for all the wrong reasons, only proves her point.

You need to work hard, and get the help you need. IF you decide to return to your wife again, I hope that before that happens the two of you get into counselling and work through your marital problems, without involving the children. If it works out that the marriage can work out with help and commitment on both sides, the proof of that will be in the pudding, when you return home.

Please get off this merry-go-round, and do what needs to be done either way, alone, or with your wife, for the emotional well being of your children.