[XKRFGT]

My girlfriend of 4 years stopped having sex with me. She lives with her family and usually comes to my place for sleepovers. Now we are both 28 years old but back then she was a virgin when I've first met her. She was always reluctant about having pre-marriage sex (because of her family, public opinion, traditions in her culture and the influence that her virgin friends have on her) but somehow she had the courage to have sex with me 3 years ago (said that she thinks she's getting old and doesn't make sense to avoid very natural feelings, said also she wanted to do it with me,. and I said YES)

Everything was perfect between us, had really really good times in a sensual way for 2 years. Life was also great, we both have graduated, got into nice jobs etc... Then last year her best friends (yeah, I'm talking about the virgin ones) started to get married and my girlfriend started to change. First she said something as stupid as I don't want to be a 30 years old bride, I'm going to definitely get married before my 30th�.

We have an intention to get married but I just want to do it on my own, don't want to ask for money or support from parents to have the fancy wedding ceremony that she always have dreamed about or even for the mortgage of our starter-home, which means I need some more time to make it on my own.

For last 10 months we haven't had sex, very very limited number of sleepovers (every time I asked her to stay she came with another excuse) and when we sleep together we're like 7 years old cousins sharing a bed. She started to say that she feels sorry and bad about making the wrong decision on having pre-marriage sex. She is telling me about her newly wed friends and how happy they are because of choosing post-marriage sex and blah blah blah.

I'm a romantic guy, sex is not everything in a relationship but it is definitely something very important for me. Because I can't have sex without any romantic feelings, didn't have and won't have. I even haven't had an ONS or NSA fun for my whole life, because I just didn't want it. But for last few months my hormones is triggering something inside me, I have started to think and feel that I'm getting old and I have to use my physical capability and libido while I still have them. So, something evil is pushing me to cheat on her but I'm still resisting.

Last month my company assigned me to a project in another city. So now we are in a long distance relationship, we're going to see each other every 6 or 7 weeks. We are always on the phone for hours, use skype every time it is possible. But, I think I want to start to go out, go to clubs and to look for NSA fun and I feel terrible about thinking this way.

I'm eager to get some female POV on my situation. Is this a kind of lockout till I pop the question, or is she really feeling bad about it, is she seeing someone else?

[talaniman]

I think your girl is backing off you simply because there is no telling when you will get enough together to do things the way you want to, and its already been 4 years. Now you can wait until things are perfect, but you better get it together and get her on the same page as you before you get to the cheating part.

You may have good intentions, but unless you talk honestly and work out a plan together, she will lose faith, and start looking for better options for the long term. Can you blame her? I mean who waits on a guy to stop taking the goodies with no commitment, and now it seems you are wondering yourself about what else you can get into.

You want your cake and eat it too, and are to stubborn to take some strong hints from her, so its your choice, talk to her, or set her free, because this playing games with each other does you no good. I mean, how long do you expect some one to wait for you to get your ducks in a row? And you expect some good lovin; while you diddle **** around?

Naw, she probably isn't looking elsewhere, but she is getting tired of waiting for some honesty. So be honest, break up, and party your butt off.

[XKRFGT]

Well, I'm totally honest with her I'm really serious about spending the rest of my life with her and I do love her. Now, put it this way, what if she doesn't have any concern about pre/post marriage thing and she is escaping from me just to make me pop the question, where is honesty in it then?

[JudyKayTee]

Well, I'm totally honest with her I'm really serious about spending the rest of my life with her and I do love her. Now, put it this way, what if she doesn't have any concern about pre/post marriage thing and she is escaping from me just to make me pop the question, where is honesty in it then?

You've been in a relationship with her for 4 years. You "took" her virginity. The two of you share a bed on occasion.

Ask her - you intend to ask this person to marry you but you can't discuss something like your lifetime plans with her?

We have no way of knowing what she's thinking. She does.

Ask her.

[talaniman]

Or what if she has already decided that you are not that serious by your words and actions. In that case then she won't be around much longer any way. If you are truly honest, you both would be on the same page and working for the same goal, I would think.

[jmjoseph]

Maybe she's thinking of the old saying " why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?".

Sex may not be everything for you, but it sure is a delicate subject for her.

Are you willing to wait? Are you willing to be abstinent until she decides she wants to be sexual again? Even after marriage?

If not, let her go find someone who will wait until she is indeed ready .

Don't ruin things by cheating.

Good luck.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, had she come to the board, we may well have told her to cut off the sex till you come across with a ring,

You are 28, So you are working, why are you not asking her to marry you, she is most likely thinking the same thing. That she may have wasted four years on you to be nothing but a sex buddy.

[Cat1864]

First she said something as stupid as I don't wanna be a 30 years old bride, I'm gonna definitely get married before my 30th�.

This seems to sum up your entire attitude toward her needs.

Why is it 'stupid' for her to want to get married before she is thirty? Have you thought about having a year or two of marriage before having children or has that thought even crossed your mind? Have you thought about her not wanting to be a forty year old first time mother with all of health issues that can arise for older mothers and their babies?

Have the two of you discussed ways that you can have a fairy tale wedding on a shoe string budget? Have you started saving toward a wedding? Even a few dollars a paycheck adds up and shows that you are serious and not just wanting her body.

Have you even proposed or are you still stuck on 'someday I will propose'? Long engagements are still allowed. Just because you say, 'let's get married' doesn't mean it has to be the next day.

That you seem so focused on sex in what you have said here makes me wonder if she gets the same feeling. Are you as committed to her as you want to believe? What happens if she gets pregnant by accident? (No form of birth control is 100% effective as many of us on this site can attest.)

[JudyKayTee]

And here are examples of your attitude. Any of this would drive me away (on my second reading):

"First she said something as stupid as I don't want to be a 30 years old bride, I'm going to definitely get married before my 30th�." (I'm not the first person to catch this.)

"She is telling me about her newly wed friends and how happy they are because of choosing post-marriage sex and blah blah blah."

"But for last few months my hormones is triggering something inside me, I have started to think and feel that I'm getting old and I have to use my physical capability and libido while I still have them. So, something evil is pushing me to cheat on her but I'm still resisting."

"But, I think I want to start to go out, go to clubs and to look for NSA fun and I feel terrible about thinking this way."

You are disrespectful when you talk about your girlfried. I can't imagine how you are live and in person.

Something evil? Give me a break.

I think she probably is seeing no one. She also doesn't want to see you.

[Jake2008]

It wouldn't be the first time that a woman used sex as a bargaining chip to get to the alter. That she backs up her sudden withdrawl of sex - now - with all the reasons she should have had four years ago when you started dating, must be more than peer pressure, remorse, or being a born again virgin. She can't reverse the decision she made four years ago, so my guess is, she is using the no sex as a way to get what she wants.

That being said, you seem to be unable to communicate effectively with her. You know she has decided not to have sex (I presume until she gets you to the alter), and you know that you are not ready for marriage. So the two of you need to make your intentions very clear. Don't waste her time if you are not thinking long term, as she is. And don't allow her to bank on the no sex as a weapon to make you change your mind.

In the meantime, at least be honest. If the two of you cannot agree with what kind of future you are going to have and why things are now at a breaking point, cheating is not the answer. A breakup is. If you want different things, if you cannot communicate effectively, if the games and behaviour can't be dealt with, try thinking of what you want, and just how willing and able you are to work through and with, what she wants. If there is no 'meeting of the minds', then move on.

She wants the alter, you want your freedom. Is it possible to compromise?

You are both going in different directions. But, my advice to you is to think beyond immediate gratification, and deal with the hand you have been dealt, before you make any decision. You can't have it both ways; keeping a relationship going that may be ending, and, seeking out other women.