[mongea]

Hi I am new to this site so yea.
Anyway my question is should I leave my boyfriend/babys father?
I am only 20 and we have a little boy together whom I love, but latetly it seems like our relationship is falling apart. We have been together going on 5 years the 29th of this month and I can truly say I am in love with him, but it seems like I am the only one. I have fought for this relationship with my all because I love him and I believe my son deserves to have his father around. The issue is that he drinks a lot and he doesn't know how to control it, also when he drinks he like to take off with his single "friends" (they are guys as well) and leave me and my son behind at his dads house. See we go visit his dad about twice a week and he does this every time that we are there. He never lets me know ahead of time when he takes off and when he does he doesn't answer my phoone calls or texts, which bothers me because why wouldn't he answer unless of course he was hidding something... idk? This has been happening for months now and as of last night this happened again EXCEPT that this time his friend came back to his dads house ALONE... umm I didn't know what to think. I don't know what to do I've had enough of this already but I don't know ifi should leave him or not. I deffinatly don't trust him as of last night anymore. And I have tried and tried to sit and talk to him about this but he ignores me... is this a stupid reason for me to leave? I have never in my life done anything like that to him, I try really hard to keep him happy I am a great mom I cook I clean... I do anything he asks. But I am tired of giving and giving and just getting disrespected in return. I hate making myself sound like a victim but I honestly don't know what I am doing to drive him away. All I really want is to be considered a little bit, I know marrige comes with struggles and its not always beautifull, but I've struggled for too long and all alone. I don't have a ring on my finger to be strugguling like this but I am Woman enough to keep trying. Ive lost my faith in our realtionshio and I don't know what to do. All I want is my family back.

[JudyKayTee]

Every 15 year old who begins dating should be forced to read your post. 20 years old with a baby in a 5-year relationship. It sounds like you truly love your husband and your family. Perhaps alcohol is his problem. But you can't fix that. Only he can fix that.

You can't fix your relationship by yourself. I hate to keep preaching counselling but it sounds like that's what you both need. If he won't go, you need to go alone. If that is impossible perhaps you could talk to a Clergy person?

I doubt he'll listen to his father but isn't his father upset by this behavior?

Have you asked your husband calmly and rationally what's going on? Not accusing, not upset, just "I need and deserve to know." You might get the truth but you might not.

Instead of getting dumped at his father's house couldn't you just stay at your home with your baby?

[Jake2008]

It seems to me that you are growing up, and growing apart from your boyfriend. The things that bother you now, didn't bother you five years ago. You were forced to adapt to a new baby and all the responsibilities of motherhood; your life changed dramatically.

You are beginning to see that the characteristics of your boyfriend, including the drinking and drinking behaviour, have probably always been there; I doubt he has changed much over the years, most likely his behaviour is worse, and seems worse, because HE is not growing up.

While you have to face the future for your own security, and that of your child, he remains unchanged, unmotivated, and not able to put you, and his child, at the top of his list. He has not adapted to fatherhood, nor has he progressed in his relationship with you.

He is not the one at 'fault' because he is who he is. He makes his own choices and decisions, and continues to put himself first. If you haven't figured out by now that a bolt of lighteneing isn't going to hit him in the head and change him, you are not living in reality.

You are not the cause of him being the way he is. You don't cause his bad behaviour toward you, you are not the reason why he prefers to be out with single people, or why he drinks. You don't cause him to remain in the past, while you struggle with the present and future. You don't cause the disrespect, you don't cause him to not answer his phone, you don't cause him to not be a better partner and father. You don't cause any single thing that he does. None of it. He makes his choices.

I think you could have met 10 years from now, and he would still be the same person he is now, and you would be still wondering what you're doing that causes him not to treat you with respect.

This is about YOU and the baby you are raising. Think of the words you are saying here, which is essentially, if only you could stop causing his behaviour, or, if only he would step up and be a man, things would be different. It's all about him, and it should be, all about you.

As Judy said, you need to get into counselling. Preferably with him, but absolutely for you. Find out why you 'settle' and why you are stuck in hoping and praying that this man will change. What do you need in a partner, why you need what you do, how you deal with the abandonment and lack of commitment on his part, and then begin to think beyond that.

You can establish your own independence. You can get back to school, get a diploma or a degree. Plan a future that you want, under your own steam. There are subsidies for everything including child care, housing, education, and health care.

You do not have to have a man in your life, in order to live your life. If you wake up five or 10 years from now and you're still in the same boat, then you will have nobody to blame but yourself. Life choices are yours to make, and are not dependent upon your partner. It is up to you, and only you, what you make of your life.

Many who love their partners dearly, eventually realize that love is not enough. Live is tough, raising children is tough, surviving is tough. Love alone does not make a partner a good partner, in other words. Set your own standards, be your own woman, set your own goals.

If he doesn't live up to any of them, you know what you need to do.

[mulattomama]

Ask yourself, if you met him today would you date him and be in a relationship with him with what you know now? I strongly suggest counseling for you and him, if he'll go. If nothing else, it may help you relate better even if the relationship doesn't work out in the end.

He can still be a part of your son's life if you are not in a relationship together. Consider this: staying with someone who makes you miserable and refuses or can't change, isn't going to show your son how a healthy man-woman relationship should be. He deserves to see how a respectful and loving couple can work together in a healthy relationship.

Good luck!

[mongea]

thank you so much for your answers they have made me think a lot about what I am doing here although some of it was tough to read to be honest. But u know what I guess I am settleling I was never one to settle or let anyone walk over me like he has, we tried talking about it afterwards he actually came to me to talke which I thought was a miracle, I thought he was going to take things seriously this time around, but here I am once again alone. The reason he didn't let me stay home with my son was because his dad wanted to see his grandson... idk I'm tired n slowly every day I'm giving up on him I don't care anymore but to be honest I don't have the (excuse my language) BALLS to leave him its pathetic I know =[ but I will find someone to talk to thanks again.