[briana0928]

Hello Everyone,

I really need some advice. I met the most wonderful man last year (visiting his hometown after a deployment to Afghanistan). I had no clue he would sweep me off my feet and tear down my walls in such a short time. I knew when I met him that he lived 4 hours away from me. I guess I wasn't thinking that a few casual dates would turn into anything substantial (nor did I care at that point.. he was super sweet and intriqued me). I'd been single for a year (looking out for me and trying to focus on me) and hadn't thought much about looking for a relationship (let alone a long distance relationship). So the back and forth 4 hours hasn't been that bad (he comes to see me a lot given my work schedule and his determination that we "WILL" see each other.

We've bonded by taking many trips together and it's been quite an adventure. He told me in the middle of all of this that he is getting deployed yet again to Afghanistan and my heart sank. I had no idea what dating an army guy was like. It's been a hard pill to swallow. I don't know what to think. I find it hard to enjoy any of the time we spend together now without the looming cloud of deployment. I smile on the outside for him, but it's killing me inside.

I thought about being with him to the point of marriage, but now I don't know. The army is so demanding and he's a career army guy. He's 27 and plans on being in until retirement age to get a pension. I would never derail anyone from such a long term goal! He's been in since he was 19. I just feel like I was a little timid about being in a relationship with someone 4 hours away... now I realize how hard it is to do this coupled with him being in the army... now comes deployment.

I fear we will grow apart and our lives will be in two different places once he returns. It seems like life truly is all about timing and maybe this relationship doesn't have the right timing. I don't want to be hurt or disappointed nor do I want him hurt or disappointed.

He's in training right now and is hardly available to talk. I accept that. But I find when he does call, I don't answer my phone. I don't have the desire to get into any conversation with him. Our talks always revolve around the army. I realize now that army guys are married to their jobs. I feel like I'm a nice addition to his life, but his job will always be his life and his REAL wife. I'm torn. I know he's a wonderful guy but I don't know if I'm the best for him since this is not my ideal relationship. He is the most wonderful person I've ever dated but I don't know if I can handle all of the negatives that come with this relationship.

I really just need some advice because all my friends think guys are a dime a dozen and if I'm not getting what I want, I should simply move on. It's not that simple when you find someone you feel that you're in love with. Maybe I'm just being a selfish baby? I don't know. But I am afraid that when he returns after a year, I will have a whole new set of priorities and with him being absent from my life, I will not have a place for him. Please advise!

[mmresd]

A long distance relationship is hard, but having to live with constant fear of your relationship unexpectedly having distance between you two is even harder. Maybe this isn't the life you need, you obviously have the need to have your love close to you more than regular army wives. You have two option, you can end it now and start moving on so that maybe you can meet someone who is more compatible to your needs, I am sure he will understand; or you can try to get used to being alone for a while every time he leaves for battle, because if he is a career army guy then there is no much you can do when the government decides to deploy him.

Good Luck,
Javi

[talaniman]

There is no shame at having cold feet, and second thoughts because, a dating/relationship experience isn't all it was cracked up to be. It happens, so be honest about it, and don't drag it out. Distance relationships have all kinds of negatives, and draw backs, so figure you tried, had fun, but its time to move on to better things.

I know its not that easy, but why try to force something that doesn't fit at this time. Never know, it might be a lot better later.

[vanheart]

Take it from someone with some LD experience.

Its never really real. One honeymoon vacation, then heartbreak after another.

Ups then downs, the missing, the unsure future. The waiting, disappointments.

Here's the thing. You knew what you were getting into. Like you said, he's career military.
That means doing what he's assigned, wherever. All at his choice. Still is.

I wouldn't hold my breath, or force him to choose.

Let him continue doing his thing as when you met.
"I would never derail anyone from such a long term goal!!"

Then don't.

And you continue what you were doing, before.
"I'd been single for a year (looking out for me and trying to focus on me)"

That's a good thing.

Don't torture yourself.

[HistorianChick]

Ok, I have to play the other side here.

Thousands upon thousands of military couples work it out on a daily basis around the world. Thank God for men and women that are willing to give up house and home to defend our countries. Those people are to be commended.

If you are committed to a military relationship, then you will make it work. It's all about your commitment. People make it work. When it is important enough, "right" enough, strong enough, they make it work.

That being said, this may truly not be the life for you! It takes a certain type of person (man or woman) to be able to sustain a military relationship. If that is not you, you must be honest with yourself and your boyfriend. You both do not deserve to put so much effort into something that deep down you know is not right for you.

Honesty, true, deep-in-your-soul honesty is what is needed here. I suggest sitting down with your boyfriend, telling him your concerns (the fact that you may not truly be the military girlfriend/wife type of person - and that is OK! Not every one is!), and being truly honest with him. He needs to know this.

Not being "cut out" to be a military spouse is not a crime. It is a hard life. The military wives I know go through things that I can't even imagine. But you know what? They have strong, successful marriages. It can be done. It can be done if the two people in the marriage are honest with each other.

Best of luck. Please be honest with him.

[vanheart]

Great advice HC. Awesome. Thanks.

Its always good to have 2 sides. Just like relationships.

Anything can be done. I am, personally, not cut out for that, although been in LDR a few times. Never sure I was to begin with, but love & other things rule sometimes, didn't realize the excessive tribulations involved. For me it was never real. Never ended well.

My critique is that it wasn't real to begin with. Talking about me. :)

For some its nice to have love at a distance. That way they never really have to commit or plan. Cause, the next time we're together it will be bliss.

I guess, what Im getting at, is knowing what it is you want. Who's good for you. Having real goals together, not just words. If you want it last. Each other's commitment at a distance. You have to be on the same page, otherwise...

Respect to all those that have those LD skills.

Regardless of what they do for a living.

Fighters or lovers.

[Patriot7]

You really need to break it off with him NOW in my opinion. It is too hard on them to receive such bad news while they are deployed. If you truly care about him then break it off by being completely honest.. . Don't lead him on, and then do stuff like not answer his calls. He's got enough to deal with preparing for deployment. Don't play games... IF FOR SOME REASON YOU DECIDE TO BE FULLY COMMITTED then you have to be ALL IN... not wavering. You have to be strong, and it's not always easy. FYI: I started writing troops to show support, and fell in love after meeting him. We are half-way across the country from each other due to my residence and his base location. He can not PCS anytime soon, and we've only had 10 days together. I went through a time where I wondered if breaking it off would be easier or best, but I was honest and up front about my feelings/thoughts with him. We talk through things... COMMUNICATION is key! Anyway, if you can't talk while he's still here then I'm not sure it would work out through deployment. Although, you could always change that :)

[BenjaminRitter]

I hope things are working out the way you'd like. You didn't mention how long you've known each other before he was deployed. I think that is significant because it is very hard to see if two people's values match each other if you've only known them for a short time (under a year and sometimes it takes longer). There is a very large conflict with his desires and goals in life and yours, made apparent by your quote, "He's in training right now and is hardly available to talk. I accept that. But I find when he does call, I don't answer my phone. I don't have the desire to get into any conversation with him." Long term relationships require a lot of the same issues, please read more on my article for the examiner;

http://www.examiner.com/interpersona...ationship-work

Do not give up hope, but you truly have to make sure you are willing to take on the burden of sustaining this long term relationship. You also need to have your significant other read up on making this type of relationship work, since you'll have more options to become disinterested. I hope everything works out and please let me know if you have any questions

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