[DesperateMan]

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years now we lived a special relationships with its ups and downs lately we moved to another city where we found new jobs. I was living in an empty apartment and I wasn't handling the change very well. I was miserable all the time and she was stuck with me all the time. She lived with a friend of hers but insisted on spending the nights with me even though I felt horrible and depressed all the time (when I'm depressed I get bad tempered).

That resulted in us having multiple meaningless fights where I was really mean to her because I was depressed and anxious and couldn't cope with the change, the new job, and her wanting to get married and wanting to travel all the time. Also I started to feel some distance between me and her. I didn't find her attractive anymore and wished I had another girlfriend.

A week ago she broke up with me and told me that I hurt her so much and that she hates me. She also told me that she didn't want me to think of her as a lover anymore and that I didn't have the right to tell her I love her. It's been a week now and she calls me almost everyday even though I told her not to unless she really wants it. She still seems to be very hurt by everything that happened.

She says that she calls only because she wants to check up on me and that I did it to myself and that she doesn't even like to be touched by me anymore. I realized that I loved her to death. Now that I went back home and took a break from the hostile environment of the new job I realized that I couldn't live without her and that I would do anything to have her back.

Now I want to know please if you think there is still a chance for me to get back with her? Does she mean everything she says or does she say it because she is still hurt? What do I do in both cases? Please help me out I'm lost here and I let go of my job and my entire life because I feel so much pain inside me! Thank you in advance

[ironhide262]

What should be first and foremost on your mind is getting your happiness back. Since it was your depression or inability to cope with change that caused the demise of your relationship , it only makes sense that you work on yourself first!

I think your ex hung in there but, has had enough. There's only so much a person can take. But, then there's you as well:

Also I started to feel some distance between me and her. I didn't find her attractive anymore and wished I had another girlfriend.

Apparently, you didn't want the relationship either.

To be honest, I can't imagine any sensible woman wanting to get back with you after the way you treated her. In difficult times couples should be able to rely on each other, come together and work through their problems.

She's done dude. This is one huge lesson that you need to take time for yourself to absorb and learn from.

[amicon]

If you're depressed I hope you've seen your doctor.

As for your ex,go no contact-she's had enough and it's time you started to let this go.

[thadevilsadvocate]

Nothing personal, but your issues go way beyond the relationship. You should consider seeing someone also about how to handle your anger and cope with difficult situations so that you don't wind up in this position again. Let her heal and move on, and take time to heal yourself as well.

[BMI]

Are you certain that the depressed feelings you are now recounting are not just the justification for the break-up?

When people are dumped (for lack of a better word) many look back and are immediately able to pinpoint what exactly caused the other to leave. Pinning the event on their behaviour, job, current situation, etc. It all seems so simple; however, most of the time it is the person identifying A problem so that they can convince themselves and the other person that they can fix it, just don't leave or stay away.

You were the one admitting to feeling apart from her, I suspect she felt this and did not appreciate it. Also, without correcting anything (depression) than what exactly has changed, or rather what will change? Your answer to that may very well be that you now recognize your mistakes and that you will correct them. Plenty say that, plenty ignore the underlining causes, plenty of people do not ever come back as the damage is already too extensive to repair. I'd consider those points.

I think time and space is what you and her require. This seems to be feeding of emotion rather than clear-headed thinking. Even if she is calling you (no doubt interpreted as her missing you and wanting you back) I think the advice stands. There are some very concerning issues here and post-breakup epiphanies are not the answer, friend.

Best of luck.

[mmresd]

You need to start thinking about yourself. Start no contact with her, she decided to break up, now let her feel the consecuences of her decision, don't allow her to keep you as a back up. You are in pain now, which is fine, but you need to realize that she does not want to be with you anymore and you need to start healing. It is going to be hard at first but things WILL get easier, just keep yourself busy and learn how to be happy on your own again.

Good luck,
Javi

[talaniman]

Forget a relationship. You need to get your own act together first, and you have caused enough misery and pain to someone else.

Get some help if you need it, but do get healthy, or else you will cause the same problems as you did before.

[DesperateMan]

My girlfriend and I spent two years together during which she took great care of me and treated me like gold. I loved her in the beginning but with time I think it faded away. The most important thing here is that we used to connect in the bedroom but she was never the sexiest woman for me. She is very cute but just not sexy. I'm 26 years old and I've been in only one serious relationship before her so I don't really have a lot of sexual experience with women. So when I was with her I would secretly desire or fantasize about someone else and it wasn't on purpose. Now she wants me to marry her and I am just confused as to what to do. She is the most perfect girl ever I'm pretty sure I would never find someone like her because she has the best personality. But again I feel as if I'm missing out on something even though I know I'm a serious relationship kind of guy and I could never go chase women in bars for one night stands. All this is making me so confused. I'm feeling depressed and I'm really afraid that I'll regret my decision. Please help me!

[JudyKayTee]

Do her a favor. Walk away. If you are not totally committed for life (and, yes, I know how high the divore rate is) do her a favor and don't subject her to future hurt.

I don't know what you mean by you used to connect in the bedroom but she was "never the sexiest woman" for you. Are your standards based on real life or movies or something in between?

At any rate, do both of you a favor and end things before someone gets seriously hurt.

I have very, very few regrets in life but I do regret the time I lost while deciding whether to end one relationship in particular. Time is the only thing you can never get back.

EDIT: When you post two threads which conflicting information I have to wonder why - ? It sure doesn't sound like she adores you. I think my first clue was when she broke up with you forever and told you hates you (your words).

You have just wasted my time for no apparent reason. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post2797559

[JudyKayTee]

It is offensive to me that you have two very conflicting threads on the Board at the same time. You have wasted everyone's time and effort. Shame on you.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ml#post2800512

[DesperateMan]

I am sorry I did not post conflicting thread it is a friend of mine who wanted advice and I told him I could help him through the website. It would be useless for me to post conflicting threads. Thanks for your replies and sorry for any inconvenience.

[JudyKayTee]

Then your friend should get his own user name. And when you quote a friend, don't say "I."

And frankly, I don't believe you.

[Alty]

Joining the site is free, so your friend should start his own account.

Anything posted under your username is assumed to be about you, especially when you post using "I" instead of "my friend".

I'm not buying that this is your friend.

Bottom line, if you can't commit to the girl, then let her go once and for all. You have issues you need to resolve before you can have any relationship.

[amicon]

Joining the site is free, so your friend should start his own account.

Anything posted under your username is assumed to be about you, especially when you post using "I" instead of "my friend".

I'm not buying that this is your friend.

Bottom line, if you can't commit to the girl, then let her go once and for all. You have issues you need to resolve before you can have any relationship.

Sorry,have to spread rep-I agree.

[MrWhite42]

Regardless of whether you our your friend are posting, this thread can still be of help to people reading. I am going through a very difficult phase in my life. I know that in the collective entirety of two decades on this earth I've never felt such regret and anger.

I've torn myself apart and spoken to friends/family/parents numerous times and so I will spare the details for both myself and whoever shall read this and sum up instead. I had a relationship in which I thought I was unhappy in. I mistreated the most beautiful person in the world every day. I forever have to look back and see that such a truly wonderful being stood by me whilst I alienated myself from my friends and my work. She made efforts that I didn't even care to acknowledge, let alone think about. I made a series of mistakes and lied so as to protect my own judgement of myself and to try to hide the fact that I approached another girl for sex after slating the relationship and my girlfriend personally. We tried for 8 months to get past issues such as these, but to be hated is a very taxing thing. At first I tried my damnedest to fix what I had broken; to right what I had wronged. She needed time and I was willing to give her the time, space and support that she needed so that we could move forward together. Things took time, and there were days when they looked up and then days when you could tell that I wouldn't be able to save us.

I started to run out of patience and slipped into a hole. My friends as well as my then ex-girlfriend (who was trying to mend things) have all worried about me and mentioned how I look. I feel so totally drained, it's untrue. I gave up in the end, yet failed to tell her. By the time she approached me telling me that she'd had time to settle her insecurities and know what she wanted I had distanced myself enough to make me think that I didn't need it any more and so rejected her. After days I'd realised, again, the error of my ways. I then approached her by which time she said her patience had run out and so had the relationship.

It's been 3 months, now. At first we had no contact and things were easier that way. I got curious and started to check online profiles, ask mutual friends and eventually started to drop her a few casual texts - 'just seen a notice regarding your sports club, not sure if you've caught it'. We spoke and got closer. We talked about the issues, the 'other girl', the various problems surrounding my attitude, laziness, complacency, etc. It got to the point where I felt I needed to press to her that I had spent countless days sat in bed running over everything that I did. I was certain that I'd be able to fix things and to be the guy that I was when we got together.

Since then the relationship has been taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Our friends and her family have said they think she has another guy in her life, and a close friend told me that she referred to him as 'a bit on the side'. We were 16 when we met and grew together. We went through college together and went on to university together. We were each others' first loves and first sexual encounters. I've told her a number of times that I wouldn't be able to have a friendship with her. I know that that is going to be too difficult for me to face right now. She would promise me that she wasn't any closer to this new guy than she was any of her other male friends, she'd swear to me that they hadn't done anything and that she didn't want anything. Originally, she started saying that with regards to me and her, too. We moved on and got closer, though, and so I started to gain a little hope that we would be able to make a second shot at things and that I'd have a chance to let her see that I was and still am sorry for the pressures and hardships of being around someone who doesn't want to know.

She said to me that she was enjoying my time, we'd hug, she'd let me kiss her cheek, her neck or her forehead when we'd say goodbye. She had moved on from the definitive 'no' when I'd ask her about a future together. She said that she had considered getting together but would keep saying that, if there was ever going to be anything, it'd be in the future. Annoyed, I'd press her over it. Having laid myself out to her so that she knew where I was I felt it only fair to have some sort of idea as to where she was. When this didn't come I got stroppy and sent her a few *****y texts. The reply was that she was glad that she hadn't given me a second chance because I hadn't changed at all.

Very recently I spoke to a friend who asked about our relationship. She gave a categorical no to the question and told him that she had found a bit on the side. This 'bit on the side' is the same guy I stood in the living room of her house and spoke to her about. I'm crushed. I don't know how to, if at all I should, approach her about that statement. I regret something else every day. I have more love for her now than I ever did. I think more about those little things now more than I ever did. I have given up more time for her than I ever did.

My advice to the poster would be this; know what you did wrong. Know that it won't help. Women do not work on relationships with logic, they follow their emotions. If you're serious about her then let her know. Don't let her slip away. Don't distance yourself and hope that she'll come running to you because you're the one who needs to chase, here. Too often we fall victim to the drag. It's so easy to slip into the everyday routine of a relationship. People's hearts are fragile and time is precious. I've learnt more from life in the past 12 weeks than I did in 4 years. Learn to appreciate what you have before it really is too late. I wish you all the best of luck.

That's not a very coherent reply, sorry.