[dexmar]

My husband and I are planning our very first vacation together to the Outer Banks this summer. We have been married for two years and are very excited to take our teen children on a beach vacation. Being a single Mom for 9 years prior to my second marriage I have not been able to take my son on a family vacation until this year and my husband was in a similar situation. We have been saving money to do this and we are so excited that we can finally do it. Upon telling my Dad and step-mom about the trip we got to talking about it and thought it would be fun to invite them as well. So, now we have selected a house and have paid our deposits. So to the problem. I have a brother that lives 4 hours away from where we will be. I only get to see him once a year and while I love and miss my brother I don't want to invite him and here is why. First, his wife is very lazy and is one of those people that never make a move to help set up, clean, cook or otherwise in past family functions. I don't like how she treats my brother and I basically tolerate her for my brothers sake. Second,my brother and his wife fight ALL THE TIME. They call each other horrible names and don't care if they fight right in front of others. Third, my brother never has any money. Now I will tell you one of the reasons I couldn't go on vacation is due to lack of money. My mother died 2 years ago and did not have life insurance so my other brother and I incurred the total cost of her funeral and "John and Jessica" could not help at all. He continues to have financial problems and even my father doesn't understand why. He has mentioned irresponsibility. All I know is I can't afford to invite them and pay their way. I may sound selfish but I have worked very hard to save up for this vacation and I want to enjoy myself and not feel guilty. Maybe that seems selfish. Anyway, my father feels guilt and feels we need to tell "John" that we are going. He doesn't want to pay his way either (my brother has borrowed thousands from my father)and I KNOW my brother can't afford to chip in. Is is selfish that I want to keep it secret? We have an extra room so he had and wife and son could probably stay there but I don't know how to just invite them to come down for a day or two(and it won't cost us as much to feed them) and not the whole week. Even if they could afford to chip in should I feel guilty that I don't want to spend my vacation with them? I need some advice! Thanks!

[DoulaLC]

Why not just invite them for a day... for a BBQ for example.You could say, "We are going to be at such and such, and we would love to have you join us for a day of fun if you are available". "How would Saturday work for you"? Or you could just invite them for the weekend and that's it.

[JudyKayTee]

I'd let him know you are going and when and where you are going to be and ask him to "visit" for a specific day - and I'd make it clear that it is not possible for him to stay with you if that is your choice.

Why don't you address these specific concerns with your brother? You don't need to accuse him of anything - just tell him the behavior you expect. He'll either be offended or not - it doesn't sound like a great relationship anyway.

And the part of borrowing from your father, his other character faults, I don't see how they relate to your vacation (other than to explain his personality). I'd stick to your problems in your rented house.