[brkfstatiffs]

Hi All
I'm new to this site. But I need some answers! Here's my situation, I'm totally a normal gal, back in September my ex and I broke up after 2 years and (1 year of living together). I was heart broken at the time and couldn't bare breaking up and having him move out. So we continued to live together in our apartment, and things felt good at first. Looking back, this was a horrible decision. It all climaxed when he lied to me one weekend (granted we weren't together but still very good friends), that he was going out of town camping with his best friend. I knew something seemed fishy because he never went camping but considering he had a rough work week I believed him. Turns out he went to Vegas to be with some girl. It was horrible! I couldn't call his cell it was turned off because he got"no reception" and so long story short I contacted him finally the next morning crying and he came right home. He said he felt like he just needed to get out. Since then things have been awful and akward and we hate it. I coudlnt believe he would do that to me as a friend and lie. He is a normal guy,very nice and kind hearted. So 1 month ago he moved out. It's been very hard for me and I miss him all the time. I feel the urge to be with him still, and he with me. So we've been hanging out. I just feel like I haven't had my time to get over him, but I love being around him so much and we always had the best friend relationship underneath our love that its hard to give him up completely. He tries to assure me that he's not trying to get into a relationship w anyone.He wants to take things casual/dating with me again, and even though it feels warm and cozy, I don't know what I should DO?? It feels so hard to not have him there even and I don't know how to be friends only...

[brkfstatiffs]

Hi All
I'm new to this site. But I need some answers! Here's my situation, I'm totally a normal gal, back in September my ex and I broke up after 2 years and (1 year of living together). I was heart broken at the time and couldn't bare breaking up and having him move out. So we continued to live together in our apartment, and things felt good at first. Looking back, this was a horrible decision. It all climaxed when he lied to me one weekend (granted we weren't together but still very good friends), that he was going out of town camping with his best friend. I knew something seemed fishy because he never went camping but considering he had a rough work week I believed him. Turns out he went to Vegas to be with some girl. It was horrible! I couldn't call his cell it was turned off because he got"no reception" and so long story short I contacted him finally the next morning crying and he came right home. He said he felt like he just needed to get out. Since then things have been awful and akward and we hate it. I coudlnt believe he would do that to me as a friend and lie. He is a normal guy,very nice and kind hearted. So 1 month ago he moved out. It's been very hard for me and I miss him all the time. I feel the urge to be with him still, and he with me. So we've been hanging out. I just feel like I haven't had my time to get over him, but I love being around him so much and we always had the best friend relationship underneath our love that its hard to give him up completely. He tries to assure me that he's not trying to get into a relationship w anyone.He wants to take things casual/dating with me again, and even though it feels warm and cozy, I don't know what I should DO?? It feels so hard to not have him there even and I don't know how to be friends only...

[PatrickG]

I have coome across this scenario so many times in my life and have expierenced it myself. However even though I have seen it a million times, there is never a sure fire answer. If he is nice to you and respectful to you still, it will be very hard to cut lose I'm afraid. When people want to distance themselves from someone thy tend to be mean and nasty. But if he isn't, he obviously still cares greatly about you. And may just want some space to clear his head. If you decide ye both need some time apart, it could be very good, or very bad. It will either sort your problems or end it once and for all. But do you want to spend the rest of your life asking yourself "What if?" If you don't then I say casually date again and if he is a nice, respectfull guy and see's ye should be together, then it will happen. If it doesn't at least you will know.

[s_cianci]

In a situation like yours it's very difficult to be "friends only." You were once intimately connected and being anything less is next to impossible. That's why everyone on this forum pushes the "no contact" rule as a healing tactic. See, when you've been intimately involved with someone as in your situation, then try to see that person as a "friend" without the intimacy, it just doesn't work and hinders your emotional healing and the ability to pick up and move on with your life. It's like the wound is there but, rather than treat it with antiseptic and cover it with gauze so it'll heal, you keep it open and never give it a chance to heal, so it doesn't. Your best bet is to decide to no longer see him at all and break all ties with him. Then get on and live your life according to your own agenda, without him. It may seem difficult at first because you're so used to being around him, but I promise it'll get much easier with time and, in the long run, will be a lot easier than trying to continue seeing him as a "friend."

[brkfstatiffs]

I'm having a really hard time moving on from my ex and a very hard time maintaining a friendship with him. I'm 24 years old he is 30. We both want to support each other as friends and remain friends for a long time, I know a lot of people say it just doesn't work that way but we want it to. I've tried not talking to him, which does make me strnonger, and then every 2 weeks or so I give in, just wanting to talk to him know what he's up to etc. Any suggestions for making this 2 weeks of no communication last for 2 months?

I don't have a ton of friends since in a new city, so it's hard to just not communicate. But here's the curve ball - he has been hangin out with the girl he broke my heart with. I don't think they are serious at all because she lives in another state, but I have gone out of my way through myspace etc to see if they have been hanging and found out they have. It tears me apart to know he can start to explore another woman he broke my heart with, yet still want to be my friend. I have no respect for that, yet I still want to find it in my heart to be his friend. And it confuses me that he says he will never love another girl like me, he still has strong feelings for me but I'm sure this other fling has no clue. He'll say things like people will come and go in life but we''ll be friends forever. I don't feel like I should have to accept it, and another girl I really don't think I would care and I wouldn't feel the need to pry, but I feel betrayed. He even came back to me after we broke up saying he realized he did want me etc, he will get the other girl out of the picture, but nope he went back. He doesn't get it I've tried to explain to him how I feel, that he pretty much has to choose if my friendship is more important then an on and off fling, but he just gets upset about it all, because he feels like he should be able to make his own decisions... and you know what he should. The whole thing has been a mess for too long now. It upsets me daily still to think about (we were living together also).Is it wrong to give him an ultimatum? Saying he has to choose what's more important a fling or a beautiful friendship? I feel like by me being in the picture he is getting satisfaction. I really want to be his friend, but I just don't feel like I can if this particular girl is in the picture AT ALL. Help!

[heather83]

As hard as it is, I think you should just let go and try to move on. I went through a messy divorce not too long ago and I loved my husband so much-i was devastated. He was having an affair and it hurt, but I was so willing to take him back and just forget about it. He decided he wanted her more. I thought we could stay friends, but in the back of my head I was always thinking of ways to make him want to love me again. Needless to say nothing worked. It hurts-but you can't keep trying to hang on to him. Giving him an ultimatum of you or her isn't fair to either one of you. You need time to grieve and get over him. Maybe down the road when you're both a little stronger-you could be really good friends, but right now I just wouldn't think it's in your best interests.

[Jiser]

Its natural to miss your ex after a break up, but for your own good you should remove yourself from this situation. The time of healing is what you need and you can achieve this through No contact. After this time when you have moved on with your life, maybe perhaps you can be friends but until that day you must heal.

Myspace and contact will stop the healing process, block him out from your life all together, put everything which reminds you of him in a box along with his contact details and put it somewhere you will never see. When you can finally look at the contents and know you are happy, you know you have moved on!

[diya]

Nothing in life is permanent... every relationship is temporary.. enjoy and move on... it hurts for awhile but remember... no one not even your body remains with your soul... then why talk about humans. The more u would want to cling on to something... the more you'll lose it... it's a fact of life... let go... if it doesn't come back... it was never meant to be yours...
Try to close your eyes and take deep breaths three times... u'll be fine.

[talaniman]

Stop torturing yourself and accept the fact that what you had is gone, and leave them both alone. Get a life that you enjoy without either of them in your life period. Be unavailable to your boyfriend, so you can move on and make new friends and get your own life. Its hard but you must heal. You never will worrying about them or staying in contact with your ex. Move on.

[tinsign]

Sorry but I see right now this ex-friendship is not even worth having, He broke your heart with the same girl he is now seeing as a couple?
Well honey let me tell you with a friend like that, I would rather be friends with a spider as scared as I am of them.
NOW as a parent talking as if you were my own child.. get out there have fun meet someone you can trust and don't look or go running back to him.

[origins13]

I know how you feel as I am going through a similar situation except that my ex is already seeing someone else and yet calls me every two weeks to check on me and tells me that he misses me. It's a very tough time because on the back of your mind, you are probably hoping that one day he'll tell you that he loves you and ask for a reconciliation. But right now, you must stay strong and move on. You're still very young. Love yourself more. Go out and do something fun!

[guitargal]

It all depends on how much I think they genuinely care about you. My ex of five years and I tried it, but there were too much feelings and history for it to work. My ex that I was madly in love with of less than a year and I are great friends now. Both parties have to want it.

[valinors_sorrow]

You have two choices: hurt him by ending the friendship or hurt you by continuing it. And YOU are choosing hurt you-- be very straight about that, okay? At this point I would choose differently. Politely stop all contact. Close the door on your end. Use the time to heal and then redirect your efforts to things that will serve you -- like new friends and new interests. How were you expecting this friendship to go? Sooner or later one of you finds someone you're interested in... so he was faster than you, fast enough to warrant seeming to be a cad about it, but it all goes to the same crappy place when you think it out, doesn't it?

[brkfstatiffs]

I've written a few posts, and thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm at a point where I go on and off with my ex of wanting nothing to do with him, and then every week and half or two weeks ill give in with a text message or phone call just to say hi. It feels impossible to shut off communication all together. I've been ignoring his contact with me, but then when I get in a downer phase and miss him I give in and contact. I don't want to be his girlfriend any more, I just want things to feel positive again. I know my ex really cares for me and wants the best for me, I think that's why it seems so easy to want him around or sometimes just talk.
I have been really good with keeping busy and turning to my girlfriends,and dating a little.
How can I make my non communication last longer with him? I feel like this has been a routine for too long... everyone says stop talking for a good amount of time, but instead I find myself not talking for a week and half and then well talk, then a week and a half, then we'll talk. It's hard to give up a best friend, even though I've been hurt.
At times I feel like I don't want to talk to him, and at others I feel like I should just forgive, let him live his life, and remain friends.
Suggestions?

[s_cianci]

Every time you feel the urge to contact him and talk with him, try calling another friend instead.

[talaniman]

Unless you cut all contact from him and to him you will never heal and pick up the pieces of your life. Give yourself a chance to move on, and have a life you enjoy without him. Forget that friends trap for now. Until you reach the point of being healthy, you cannot have a healthy friendship with him at this time. I know how hard it is, been there done that, as have most of us here. But for your own sake you must give it an honest try.

[chuff]

Try and set your standards higher in the timeline. For example tell yourself that instead of 14 days your going to go 21 days without speaking. When you get to 21 see if you can go for just another 7 days. Eventually you will go long enough that you will have forgotten your even playing the game.

[brkfstatiffs]

I recently got out of my first long term, live-in relationship. My ex and I are at the non communication point, in hopes that we can one day become friends again. We still communicate if need be via email or text to deal with things on the apartment. His birthday is coming up in a week. Do I send him a card or a simple phone call? Or ignore it all together? Honestly I'd like to take him out to lunch for it or dinner, but I figure that won't be a good move at this point. If it was my birthday, I think I would want him to reach out. Suggestions?

[Lowtax4eva]

I would say if your not really communicating don't do anything spectacular, maybe send an email. It also depends who ended it and how, if he ended it unexpectedly then don't do anything.

[Fancy231]

Yes.Because you guys used to be lovers.:cool: