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amevans08 · Apr 30, 2011, 06:50 PM

I am currently separated from my husband. We have been battling his porn addiction for about 3 years. He says he will stop and then I find out he is doing it again. He goes through a big cycle of stopping and starting. A year ago I asked him to leave and get help after during a family gathering he snuck off to his grandmother's bedroom to look at porn. He went to a sex addiction anonymous meeting 2 or 3 times. Then he stopped going. Two weeks ago I found out he has been looking at it on his phone now. On too many times to count while he is suppose to be at home taking care of the children he is looking at porn. He admitted in a voicemail two weeks ago he had a problem and he can't stop. He said he tried and some sort of urge comes over him and he escapes to his own little world when he looks at it. He said he would do whatever it takes to fix it. Two days later he now says he doesn't have a problem. He says it is normal it is what all 22 year old guys do and his only problem was me. All this after he agreed to go see a counselor. Now he says he doesn't have a problem and if he goes then I will just use it against him in court. We have an almost one year old daughter. I am scared to death for him to be alone with her. His father is in jail convicted of molesting his own daughter. He received a 20 year sentence. My husband's mother accused him of messing with his sister when he was 14, but they dropped the charges because of lack of evidence and I was told he passed a lie detector test. With all of these things and his history do you think I am justified in requiring supervised visitation? Neither have filed paperwork in court yet so it is just me doing it on my own. I just have this gut feeling to protect my daughter. I am afraid with him not admitting his problem it is going to get worse and with the family history I am scared to death he might get an "urge" and pleasure himself with our daughter or even just in her presence.

kcomissiong · Apr 30, 2011, 06:55 PM

There are a lot of factors at work here. You have valid reasons to be concerned, but without a conviction for molestation or proof that he is a danger, it may not hold up in court. This really is better suited for a local lawyer, who can probably give you a free consultation and a sense of how the courts in your area are ruling in situations similar to yours. You also may want to contact your local department of child protective services if you are truly concerned that he is a danger to her.

ScottGem · Apr 30, 2011, 06:56 PM

YOU can't require anything. Its up to the court to determine whether supervised visitation is appropriate. You can certainly request it and present your evidence to support the request. The court will then decide.

amevans08 · Apr 30, 2011, 07:09 PM

That is why I said there have been no papers filed in court. We have been separated for a week and I have offered several times for him to see our daughter. He only states he wants to take her, although tonight he finally went to a mutual friends and visited with her for a couple of hours. I have asked that we both go to a counselor and see if they feel it is a problem and if I have anything to be concerned over but he refuses. He also has a violent temper and doesn't think twice about doing or saying anything in front of her, including throwing a camera at me while he was holding the baby. He has thrown me to the ground in front of my 9 and 4 year olds. I have no idea how to even obtain a restraining order. I guess I will continue to have him see her supervised until the court tells me otherwise. I just hope the courts see why I had to do this and don't punish me for it.

cdad · Apr 30, 2011, 07:14 PM

Originally Posted by amevans08

I guess I will continue to have him see her supervised until the court tells me otherwise. I just hope the courts see why I had to do this and don't punish me for it.

The courts aren't going to see it your way. According to what you have said he wasn't convicted of anything and he was vindicated by a lie detector test. They are going to assume the mother was the paraniod one. And they are going to look at you the same way. You have no grounds at this time for supervised visitation. Your wasting your time and your going in an oppisite direction at this time.

ScottGem · Apr 30, 2011, 07:14 PM

Since he is the legal father he has joint legal custody. So you really cannot prevent him taking the child wherever he wants. So you need to go to court immediately.

joypulv · Apr 30, 2011, 07:20 PM

Where do you live, and how many children are there (you say he was watching 'the children.. ')?
Courts like solid evidence, or an admission. Even if his father's acts formed his behavior, that's not evidence. Your reports will have some weight, but not all. You may have a problem getting supervised visitation. He seems forthright about his actions, even though he defends them, but doesn't sound like he will admit to them in court. And he sneaks off to watch porn or watches it when he's supposed to be watching the baby, but hasn't done anything physical in front of anyone? So for now, he's merely guilty of being distracted when babysitting. Not a lot to go on, for you.

You seem to be in somewhat of a negotiating position with him still? It's more in his interest to go to counseling than not, for his whole future as a parent as well as any court battle, and perhaps by going to a counselor together just the first time can help explain why.

joypulv · Apr 30, 2011, 07:23 PM

There were no responses when I started mine, so mine is redundant.

amevans08 · Apr 30, 2011, 07:48 PM

I have two boys that lived with us in SC. And my 5 year old was recently kicked off the bus because him and another little boy were kissing each other's exposed private areas. My husband did admit he had a problem on voicemail that I still have and stated he wanted desperatly to stop to save our marriage and so he did not jeapordize the children. Now after we separated and his family convinced him he didn't have a problem he won't agree to go to counseling. I have applied for assistance with an attorney as I can not afford one but I just want to protect our daughter. I am taking my son to a therapist to make sure nothing has happened to him or that he hasn't been exposed to pornography. I know his father's actions do not automatically make him quilty but with the family history and his history and the recent happenings with my son I feel there is too much for me to feel comforable with him having her alone.

amevans08 · Apr 30, 2011, 07:51 PM

You don't think that it is just too much of a coincidence? His addiction, his father's obvious sexual issues, his prior accusations from his own mother, and now his absolute change of mind that he doesn't have a problem are all just a little too much and cause for concern?

joypulv · May 1, 2011, 03:51 AM

So you have more evidence that may hold up in court.. again, just keep in mind the difference between what you 'know' and what a court needs to hear. I'm glad you found out how to apply for help.

Also, try to write knowing that we aren't there. 'I have two boys that lived with us in SC. And my 5 year old was.. ' adds to the confusion. Is that 3 boys or 2? Do they live with you now, or only in the past? We don't even know where you live now. When you are asking for online help or legal help in a law office, make a list of the basic facts first, with a timeline. You are worried about your daughter, but need to provide all information and you also need to be concerned about your sons.

(And again, not saying it wasn't influenced by your husband, but children throughout the ages have experimented with their sexual organs, regardless of what their parents have done. Just be prepared for opposing views.)

artlady · May 1, 2011, 04:10 AM

A very scary thing about molestation is the cycle that occurs.It stays inside of families.I think your child needs a legal guardian.Its free and its important that she has someone to speak for her ,who is intelligent and committed to her well being.

cdad · May 1, 2011, 07:05 AM

You don't think that it is just too much of a coincidence? His addiction, his father's obvious sexual issues, his prior accusations from his own mother, and now his absolute change of mind that he doesn't have a problem are all just a little too much and cause for concern?

So what your trying to say here is that once anyone is arrested there is no innocent people? Once a parent does something the child should also pay for the act? Im sure the man is scared that he will never see his children again (if you have your way) and I would say that may put him in a certain mindset of protection. How would you feel if he said you're a full blown alcoholic and you should have nothing to do with the children? Is that OK? If your thinking your not but your parents were/are then how is that different? An accusation alone isn't guilt. And in this case there is proof to the contrary. But according to your standards that just isn't good enough. Sometimes we are stuck when going through these situations and you have to start accepting fact over fiction.

The mindset that you have right now could cause you to lose all your children because your boarderline parental alienation. Your just trying to justify your excuses. The courts need hard evidence and not just guesses.

Fr_Chuck · May 1, 2011, 07:47 AM

While I don't agree with it, watching porn or even a porn adittion does not mean they will molest a child, and certainly does not mean they would molest their own child.

If men who look or watch porn could not see their own children perhaps as many as 1/2 of all men could not see their kids.

In court you will need to prove some real proof of a danger.

What his dad did or did not do would not even be allowed in evidence.

And I doubt his watching porn while may be allowed in as evidence, you will need to prove it is child porn, not adult women he is watching

ScottGem · May 1, 2011, 09:08 AM

While I don't disagree with my colleagues we must speculate here. So far I haven't seen enough evidence that he is a danger to the child. But then all we have is your version of things.

As I said originally, YOU can't require anything. As the legal father he has equal rights to be with his child as you do. Therefore you need to go to court and soon.

But, before you do, you need to prepare your evidence that he should have supervised visits. And you need an attorney to help you. If you present irrelevant or opinion based evidence, you will probably lose, and worse, alienate the court.

amevans08 · May 1, 2011, 05:22 PM

I never said one such thing that there are not innocent people. I never said the child SHOULD pay for the act. But a lot of times it is the children who suffer. I have never said I did not want him to see his child, I said I wanted him to get help and admit he has a problem. I want his visitation supervised because of the violence along with the pornographic material in the vicinity of the child. If I was a full blown alcoholic I would pray to God that someone protected my children and not leave me alone with them, but I am not! Oh and by the way, my parents weren't either. In the state of SC the courts clearly state that neither party are to allow the presence of pornographic material near the children. He would sit in the living room watching it on his phone while the kids were sitting not even 5 feet away watching television. He would watch on his phone while sitting in line waiting to pick up my 9 year old with my 5 year old and our 11 month old in the back seat of his truck.

amevans08 · May 1, 2011, 05:27 PM

In SC it clearly states that NO PORNOGRAPHIC MATERIAL BE IN THE VICINITY OF CHILDREN. It is not grounds for divorce but it is allowed when discussion of the children are involved. I am not saying that JUST watching porn is the problem, but with him it is an addiction. He doesn't care where he is, who is around, what consequences it will have from his behavior. I have made an appointment with a counselor who specializes in sexual/porn addiction to see if it is just me over-reacting. I am not just trying to be vendictive or get back at him or whatever you want to call it. I as a mother am doing what I feel is in the best interest of my daughter, until a trained person can tell me different. I have asked him to attend the counseling session with me so we can both have a chance to share our opinions and how we feel about the subject but he refuses, so I will go on my own. If they feel I have no reason for concern then so be it, but I have to go with my gut feeling.

ScottGem · May 1, 2011, 05:35 PM

First, Please use the Answer options for follow-up, not comments.

Where does it state clearly about porn in the vicinity of children?

We do understand that you are trying to protect your children, but you have to go about it the right way.

joypulv · May 2, 2011, 04:05 AM

The legal part has been addressed: you can ask the court, and you need solid evidence, and you probably should have a lawyer.

I as a woman don't blame the men here for being defensive. You just haven't given enough reason to throw your husband under a bus. Try to think about what supervised visits means to a parent, if it were you. Stigma and a record, for life, regardless of whether it ends or not. Men think about sex constantly, with or without a cell phone in their hands. If he can hold a job, take care of the home and kids, then he's no more guilty YET than a man who is watching too many sports and calling his bookie.
PREDICTING social behavior can be a horrible, horrible pseudo science. He hasn't molested anyone or even masturbated in front of anyone, or even shown what he's watching to the kids. You really have to realize that unless he does, you should be very very careful about how you approach this.
We also don't know which came first, your rumblings about not being around the daughter or his change of mind about going to counseling. I hope that you didn't ruin a good process that was starting.
It may not be too late to tell him that you are backing off, and hope he'll go back.