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labatts2424 · Apr 30, 2011, 06:05 PM

She will say, I'm super stressed about getting married, she is sacred that I will be unhappy and she will not be able to be the wife I deserve. So I say OK lets call it off, then she says "did i ever say that i didnt want to do it, im just telling u what im feeling"
So that was OK the 1st time, it took some time to get over it, but not less then a month aaway she still has these feelings, it really sucks, It makes me feel super depressed and Im getting no joy or excitement out of our soon to be wedding. Is this just cold feet or are we doomed to fail

Wondergirl · Apr 30, 2011, 06:19 PM

She's female. All she wants to do is vent and exhale and share her feelings with her beloved.

Here's what you do: empathize with her and reflect back what she says.

SHE: I'm so scared that I will be unhappy.
YOU: Yeah, marriage is such a huge step, isn't it. [pat or stroke her arm]

SHE: I'm so worried I won't be the wife you deserve.
YOU: I feel the same way about being a husband. Both of us are going to have so many new responsibilities, aren't we. [hold her hands in both of hers and look her straight in the eyes]

SHE: I wonder if marriage will be a good thing for us.
YOU: There's so much to think about, isn't there. [put your arm around her, give a little squeeze]

Each time she will vent and emote some more, so just go with the flow and continue reflecting back to her, validating her emotions.

DO NOT try to solve her problems or make her fears go away. Just acknowledge her worries -- reflect, reflect, reflect!

labatts2424 · Apr 30, 2011, 10:10 PM

You are so right about trying to solve the problem, I think we men are fixers and its hard to not try to do that. I will def work on just listening and not reading into it.

labatts2424 · Apr 30, 2011, 10:10 PM

You are so right about trying to solve the problem, I think we men are fixers and its hard to not try to do that. I will def work on just listening and not reading into it.

dontknownuthin · May 1, 2011, 02:05 AM

I would probe a bit further and talk this through with her - ask her, what she thinks the wife you deserve should do or be. She may have a warped idea of what your expectations are and may think she has to be perfect. Reassure her.

Also, ask her why she thinks you won't be happy with her when you are marrying her because she has proven to you already that she is a good partner for you, and you are very happy with her.

I think she needs to talk through this - not for you to solve the problems or tell her she's wrong for feeling this way, but to help her with perspective and to really express what her fears are.

Remind her what you do want in a wife, and why she is the right woman for that role in your life. Why did you choose her? Tell her again - she's losing her perspective!