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    phodawbar's Avatar
    phodawbar Posts: 36, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 21, 2011, 07:34 PM
    Is my marrige worth fixing?
    I have been married for about five yrs. I recently adopted a son from a young friend right at birth as I have been unsuccessful to conceive on my own. My husband was my night in shinning armor and my best friend from the moment I laid eyes on him. We had a money poor rough start and with in a month of being together we moved to a different state where my family is located. (He really doesn't have family other than a sister we haven't heard from since we moved).

    Anyway things were great until him normal since day one drinking got worse... the first 3yrs he had cheated on me with several woman and it crushed my world. He promised he'd quit drinking if I stayed. That lasted a whole 3 months. Well when he drinks he's always sneaky about it. I quit drinking before I was 21 so I kind of resent alcohol and at first thought it was just my biased opinion. But it started getting worse. He gets mad when I say anything when he's drinking and it always starts with hateful names and belittling and 6 out of 10 times it ends with physical abuse.

    Recently he added a new touch of choking and it terrifies me beyond just the hitting and throwing around. The next morning its always I'm sorry baby I was wrong bs... But I have too much pride in how our relationship looks in the public that I never share the bad with anyone not family nor friend. Never have and don't know if I even could. I make him look like the perfect man. But he's not. He tells me he's going to run to the store 2 blocks away and he'll leave at 4pm and come home at 3am and think I'm the one with a problem.

    We recently got in trouble and because of his past record he ended up going to prison for a yr. I worked the 80 work week to provide for him and I and preparing for my son (he was 5.months when my husband got out of prison).. since he got out of prison its been to the same thing and he refuses to wear his wedding ring saying its normal for a man not to or its normal for a man to be out all night drinking and I'm just trying to hold him back and being his mama and all that crap. Well keep in mind its about 3 nights a week he does this. Doesn't matter on the day of the week.

    I tell him husbands are suppose to be home with their family.. he always seems to do it on bad days for me like when. I get bad news or am sick... does it on my birthdays seems like anything important to me he's got to screw up... I just don't know what to do anymore I'm 27 and having to start on blood pressure medication cause I'm so stressed...

    I just think he's 31 he should be grown up but I'm so wrong. I just can't see myself with out him but in the same words I know I don't deserve to be around someone that refuses to help themselves out of alcoholism or bad habits. He's on parole and I have to worry about him getting and trouble with his drinking and going back to prison. I keep track of all his legal matters or anything in his life and I just wish I would grow a man in him one day but when do I say enough is enough. Please help
    summer_girl's Avatar
    summer_girl Posts: 146, Reputation: 48
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    #2

    Apr 21, 2011, 08:06 PM
    I'm so sorry; it sounds like a very unsatisfying relationship at this time. You can't make somebody be what they don't want to be. I wish you all the best in your decision about what to do. Do you have someplace safe to go if you need to?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #3

    Apr 21, 2011, 08:20 PM

    Before you can save your marriage, you have to save yourself.

    Do you have family and friends to support you right now? If you do seek them out and tell them you need their help right now. That when you lay it out for him, and get him out of your life.

    Pride goeth before a fall, and there is no pride in staying with him. If he can't get his act together without you, that's his problem, and one you don't need.
    phodawbar's Avatar
    phodawbar Posts: 36, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Apr 22, 2011, 04:28 AM
    Thanks both for your words. If needed be yes I could always go to a hotel or something and if I would let people in on what's going on id have a lot of family support. I know that he wants to fix things. He was more real with his feelings last night in the middle of the night then I've ever heard him be. He told me that if I needed to leave for a while he would understand and that I don't deserve how and all the things he's put me threw.. obvious. But he told me not to give up on him now we've come too far. That's the part that gets me because I've got him to where he admits (at tymes) that he does have a problem. But as his wife and friend I feel obligated to support however the environment is not what I want my son to experience. I know he's only 9 months however very soon he will start to relize that mom and dad fight bad and its not normal. I sit and think that my husband needs a wake up call cause I HAVE ALWAYS. Been at his side no matter what. Makes me think if I'm not there one day, maybe he will get the clue that everything can become unpermant and may he needs to work a little harder on those things that hold him back. Its just that I live and breathe the medical field and I know that alcoholism is a true disease. And it is a tough one to crack but like obsesity.. u can blame science, anatomy but it ultimately comes down to the selfs actions and what one chooses to do. There is help but you have to take the steps. I thought about getting him into some private help like cousinling but then I stop and thing... am I doing too much for him again?
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #5

    Apr 22, 2011, 04:58 AM

    Your enabling him by helping him, he needs to see and do for himself.

    Its not just about you this time you have a small son to consider.

    Time for him to leave and get help,time for you to start breathing again instead of holding your breathe for the next drinking session and wondering what's going to happen today.

    It does not have to mean the end of the marriage. But it can mean the beginning of healing for you both.

    Once you start telling people what's really happening things will start to change, because you have never done that before, it will start a chain reaction.

    OR, you can stay, do nothing and hope he does not kill you one violent drunk night.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Apr 22, 2011, 05:20 AM

    You support your partner when he is doing the right things for the right reasons.

    When he is doing the wrong thing, you kick him to the curb.

    All he is doing now is talking, and that doesn't mean a darn thing does it?
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #7

    Apr 22, 2011, 05:58 AM

    May I ask why your husband went to prison for a year? The answer to that question might have some bearing on future answers here.

    Who is going to care for your son when this monster kills you?

    Emotional and mental abuse is bad enough, and sometime can scar for a lifetime, but physical abuse like you describe can only escalate.

    Right now, though, you need to pack a bag, grab your son, and get as far away from this abuse as possible.

    Recently he added a new touch of choking and it terrifies me beyond just the hitting and throwing around. The next morning its always I'm sorry baby I was wrong bs... But I have too much pride in how our relationship looks in the public that I never share the bad with anyone not family nor friend. Never have and don't know if I even could. I make him look like the perfect man. But he's not. He tells me he's going to run to the store 2 blocks away and he'll leave at 4pm and come home at 3am and think I'm the one with a problem.
    This is called the cycle of abuse. I implore you, no I beg you to check out this website to see if any of this sounds familiar to you.

    The Cycle of Abuse | thesafespace.org
    phodawbar's Avatar
    phodawbar Posts: 36, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Apr 22, 2011, 09:21 AM
    We both got arrested for possession of weed on a vacation. My record was clean so after I finish my 5yrs of probation my recordis wiped clean. He on the other hand has done prison time before I met him so he had to go back on this charge. For most of my adult life I made extra money selling to support myself and who ever I was with. I have always workd and have honestly never gone more than 2 weeks with out a job. If my husband didn't have one which would only be because someone didn't want to hire him due to his record I then workd double. I do have to hand it to my man though he is a very hard worker and doesn't get fired all the jobs he's lost is because of bankruptcy or company closing. Anyway before anyone judges I on my past choices I have had a rough life being adopted and being a different race than my family on top of losing my dad and not getting along with my stepdad etc I've been on my own since I was in 6th grade, my husband started down the wrong path when his mother was killd and left with no one but his baby sister. On my behalf I know my history isnot an excuse. I got a big wake up call when my family was torn apart and I reliezed this was not worth it. It was NOTHING for me to quit it all and since then I have went back to school got my med assistant lisc. And my phlebotomy resigration so I have learned and bettered myself. On his behalf he had to quit... it just seems to be unbareable for him to be sober, I can't see how he can hate his life so much, he admitted that all the wrongs in his life he takes out on me.. well hell he needs to deal with them and not shove the only one there for him.
    And your right talking doesn't really do anything for me anymore other than reasure me that he's not leaving me. Ive always told him if anyone is to be leaving its going to be me leaving him. But for the first time I threw the words divorce out last night and took off my rings told him if our rings that symbol our love and commentment isn't important for you to wear then it isn't going to be fore meeither. I also told him I refuse to be or my son to be a burden on your precious life that Ill leave so that it will fix everything for you.
    And I will look at the cycle of abuse link. I appricate your advice. I tolerate the physical because I feel the root problem is the drinking. He is the most wonderfulest man if he's not drinking or mad cause he isn't drinking. I've had knives, guns it all but I just feel like I break the drinking its going to to be the end of his demons but I can't do it for him. I'm just scared to be all by myself even though I'm one of the most indepenant woman one will meet. That uncomfortablity is fritnening if one sits and ponders it.
    On a side note you all are great. I don't have anyone I talk to so it all just builds up inside me and stress can kill. I last resort found this site off googing the very question I had orignaly asked, I think another ones outside perspective can in the end save lives physically and mentally.. thank you all and I am taking in everything you guys are saying openingly cause apparntly what I'm doing hasn't workd for me so far:-(
    summer_girl's Avatar
    summer_girl Posts: 146, Reputation: 48
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    #9

    Apr 22, 2011, 07:58 PM
    If you think the root cause is the drinking, you should go to an Alanon meeting. It's for families of alcoholics, and I think you'll get a LOT of good support there. Whether you man quits drinking or not, you can go to it. It's free and you know what else? It's a start. It's something you can do right away to feel like you are taking control of your life.
    grammadidi's Avatar
    grammadidi Posts: 1,182, Reputation: 468
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    #10

    Apr 22, 2011, 11:29 PM

    Sweetie, your marriage may be worth fixing but you need to get out... NOW! It doesn't matter WHY your husband is like this but it does matter that he is abusing you. The best thing that you can do for him, your adopted child and yourself is to get out and get help. The worse thing that you can do is make excuses for him.

    I understand that you have both had a rough go of it in life. I'm sure it's been very hard on both of you. The thing is, you both have adult choices to make in life. He is making all the wrong ones and will continue to do so until he gets help. He can't do that as long as he has you in his life because you, my dear woman, are an enabler. You just love him so much and have so little self-worth that you enable him to drink, hurt you and mistreat you.

    Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming you. I just need you to understand that for right now, you being there is not helping him. It's also not helping you, and will hurt your child, too.

    Listen to what you have said to us...

    1. since day one drinking got worse
    2. the first 3yrs he had cheated on me with several woman and it crushed my world
    3. when he drinks he's always sneaky about it
    4. He gets mad when I say anything when he's drinking and it always starts with hateful names and belittling and 6 out of 10 times it ends with physical abuse.
    5. he added a new touch of choking and it terrifies me beyond just the hitting and throwing around
    6. he'll leave at 4pm and come home at 3am
    7. he ended up going to prison for a yr
    8. he refuses to wear his wedding ring
    9. 3 nights a week he is out all night drinking
    10. I have to worry about him getting n trouble with his drinking and going back to prison
    11. I keep track of all his legal matters or anything in his life
    12. The environment is not what I want my son to experience
    13. I tolerate the physical because I feel the root problem is the drinking
    14. I'm just scared to be all by myself

    Those things say so very much. Listen to me... you MUST get out. You can still plan on being together if that's what you believe you want. You can go to Al-Anon (in fact, you should because you will learn an awful lot about how you are actually enabling him). However, what he is doing to you is so wrong and you must look after yourself. That little baby you are caring for needs you to raise him up right and the ONLY way you can do that is to start looking after yourself. If you don't gain self-worth and self-respect then your child will probably be just as abusive, if not more-so (and just as unhappy) as your husband.

    I don't know where you live, but there are many places you can call or even go to for support. If you are having trouble finding one, please let me know. I really think you should approach them and listen to what they have to say. Also, take a few moments to make sure you are safe. Start putting away some cash somewhere where he won't find it. Tell all of your friends and family what has been going on and ask for their support. No more secrets! No more isolation! That is an important step. Start making a plan. Stop taking responsibility for his actions. He IS capable of making the right decisions in life. He IS capable of NOT abusing you. He IS also capable of NOT drinking.

    Here is a very good page. Please read it and check out some of the links. Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

    If you need to talk, I and others are here, but please, please start putting you and your adopted child first.

    Warm hugs,
    Didi
    grammadidi's Avatar
    grammadidi Posts: 1,182, Reputation: 468
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    #11

    Apr 22, 2011, 11:36 PM

    I also wanted to add that your husband's behavior shows that he is crying out for help. You can't help him. He needs to help himself and he can't do so until he hits rock bottom. It would be far better for him to hit rock bottom because you moved out instead of because he killed you by mistake in a fit of rage. If you love him, if you love you, or if you love your adopted child... you must move out and both of you must heal. It is possible.

    Hugs, Didi
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #12

    Apr 22, 2011, 11:55 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by phodawbar View Post
    Recently he added a new touch of choking and it terrifies me beyond just the hitting and throwing around.
    This sentence is what bothers me the most about this post. He's choking you as well as hitting you? This is abuse, it has little to do with the alcohol.

    You have to realize that your son, as he grows, will look up to this man. He will think that abusing women is a normal every day activity. He will grow up to abuse his spouse one day. If you ever have a daughter, she will grow up thinking she is supposed to be abused and will get into a relationship where her spouse hits her. Is this what you want for your child/children?

    Honey, you can't help him. He can only help himself only when, and if, he is good and ready to. He may never be ready to help himself. But, you can help yourself.
    Rose2010's Avatar
    Rose2010 Posts: 15, Reputation: 7
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    #13

    Apr 23, 2011, 07:47 AM
    I just want to give you some encouragement, because I was in a similar relationship when I was your age and I finally got out. It was really hard, because we were in love, but like you I was enabling his bad behavior. I thought that I was doing the right thing by staying in the relationship and making it work and I knew that it was up to me because he was an alcoholic and even when he did sober up by a court mandate, he was just a dry, angry drunk. Anyhow, I went to some meetings for women and I read a book called "Codependent No More". I realized that I had to leave if I wanted children and that I couldn't continue to wait for him to get better. Now several years later I am re-married and even though I still feel a lot for my ex, I am so much better off and my future children will be too. My new husband never drinks and he is a really good provider. I want a better life for you and your baby, too. I hope you take care of the two of you and let your husband take care of himself-even if that means he has to self-destruct and hit bottom before he mans up and gets control of his demons.
    phodawbar's Avatar
    phodawbar Posts: 36, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Apr 23, 2011, 06:46 PM
    1st off again. I can't express enough how much hope you guys are giving me just lettning me know I'm worth you taking the time to give me advice. He has simmered way down since he talked to me thursnight telling me his innerfeelings. And were on day 3 of no drinking. I think when I threw the word divorce out it may have made him wake up some.. however I know that problem aren't that easy of a fix. I have some money put awaY and the very next slight clue of another incendent I'm out and hopefully it will be a wake up call because I don't want to be with someone else and always feel loss of love for my husband but sometymes you have to sacrifice to get to your goal and I just hope and pray it works. I plan on checking into the counciling groups suggested cause regardless if this happens again or not I will at least have the knowledge

    On top of all this I know its really startn to affect my health ontop of my bloodpressure I've been having nigh horrors worse than bad dreams and I don't want to live with a heavy heart all the time I want to move forward in life be successful and most important happy and content with my life and family
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #15

    Apr 23, 2011, 07:22 PM

    Alanon is a good source of knowledge and support, as this is a heavy burden to shoulder on your own. A little help can't hurt.

    Lets not lose sight of the fact he is a dangerous drunk! Protect yourself, at all times on all levels.
    grammadidi's Avatar
    grammadidi Posts: 1,182, Reputation: 468
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    #16

    Apr 23, 2011, 08:29 PM

    Sweetie, I have no doubt that your husband loves you and is sorry for what he says and does. The trouble is, he is presently making a choice in his life and sadly, the choice is the drinking and abuse. By staying with him you are, in essence, giving him permission to continue.

    I can see that your husband is drinking to escape pain. However, drinking doesn't make the pain go away! It dulls the pain for awhile, then, as the person sobers up, the pain is BAM! In their face again. Only it seems so much worse every time. This is partly because they have dulled it by the drinking and partly because their action when they are drinking add more pain. Your husband is in so much pain over the loss of his mother. It needs to be dealt with. YOU can't help him, no matter what you do or say. It must come from within him and only when he is forced to hit rock bottom so there is no way to go except to make it better. This will take time. The first step of that will likely be losing you and your son.

    I'm not saying he won't change! I don't think you should give up on your marriage. In fact, I urge you to be supportive. HOWEVER, you can't be supportive by staying in a dangerous situation. You need to take the baby and get out. You need to surround yourself with as much emotional support as you can. I would highly recommend you go to Al-Anon meetings weekly, and perhaps once every 4 to 6 weeks go to an open AA meeting. That helps you to see the other side of it. Look after you and your son, but telll your husband that you do love him and your leaving is not to end things, but to give him the opportunity to prove to you that he really does want to change things. Tell him that while you are apart you are willing to go to marriage or couples counselling with him. Tell him that once he is sober for three months and if he seems to be handling his anger with a therapist instead of acting it out, that you will meet him with the baby in a public place once a week. Tell him you will need time to trust him again, but you are willing to work on it as long as he is showing you that he is. If he wants to build trust he must learn other ways of expressing his anger and must stop all drinking and drugs.

    Call the battered women's shelter near you and go and speak to them. See if you can participate in a few group sessions. If not, ask them where you can get some help from women who have been through a similar experience.

    Remember, after being hit, choked, put down, etc. it is typical abuser behavior to act the way your husband does. This is a particularly vulnerable time for the abused partner. It's easy to believe in someone's words. I'm sorry, but you have to appreciate that you have more worth than that. Words are not enough! You need to see the actions of someone who loves you.

    If you don't get the help you need and ensure and the baby are safe I guarantee that the abuse will continue to get worse. Your husband's pain, the longer he goes without getting the help he needs gets worse. The worse his pain, the worse his anger. There are some things that need intervention. Alcoholism almost always does. The pain of loss and bereavement almost always does. Abuse does. You can't fix it. He can't fix it without the help of a professional. One of the best things you can do for your husband is to learn to let go and let God. You will both learn to live one day at a time. You will learn that he needs to go through his pain to heal and that in the process of going through his pain he will be capable of a lot more violence that he uses now.

    I hope that you realize that you are repeating an old pattern that you have already admitted is not working. Try something new this time. It will be difficult, it will be strange, it will be frightening at times. However, if you give it a chance you will realize that you actually feel the sun coming up every morning. You both have so much work to do and if you do it with the same common goal you will have a strong, healthy relationship. Trust me, it will seem like a lot of work just thinking about it; but once you DO it... you will realize it is sooooo much easier than what you have been doing for the past 5+ years.

    Hugs, Didi
    phodawbar's Avatar
    phodawbar Posts: 36, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Apr 26, 2011, 12:14 AM
    You guys are all right. I honestly think I'm just going to give up on him on us and the thought of a family together. He is just so hateful but yet I do everything I can for him. Yesterday we said maybe a handful of words to each other and most consisted about our son. Anythng else is said I got snapd at for no reason.. HE IS SO MISERABLE INSIDE. And refuses any help. Says only God can help him but God works thro people and he refuses them. I can't live my life this way but yet he's the only way I want to live at the moment. I can't figure out how and what I can have possibly have done. But I'm throwing my hands up. Think reality hit when I woke up tonight and tried to touch him and he moved as far away fromme in the bed he could possible move and he was asleep. He does in unconscience so that tells me the true feelings. Again thank you all I'm just sitting in myself pitty right now feeling as alone as I possibly can

    Its just sad on my part because I'm starting to lose my cool and I usually can control it

    He has drank anything in almost a week but he's making me just as miserable as if he was other than I at least know he's at home during the night comfort
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #18

    Apr 26, 2011, 12:30 AM

    Honey, you haven't done ANYTHING! These are his demons to work out and they have nothing to do with you.

    Unfortunately it is going to take him hitting rock bottom to see what he has done to himself. You can't help him. You just can't no matter how much you want to help him, there is nothing you can do.

    You can help him hit rock bottom though by leaving him. Take your son and yourself to a SAFE place. It is not safe with him.

    Maybe he has not taken a drink in a week, but the withdrawals will be kicking in soon, if they haven't already. You don't want to be around him when they DO kick in.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #19

    Apr 26, 2011, 06:48 AM

    I see you have not availed yourself of any knowledge, help, or support, through the Alanon site. Expecting better results after only a week of not drinking is very unrealistic, and close to impossible. The process really does take a lot more work, and understanding than that and could take YEARS.

    Its not you he battles now but himself, because he probably wants a drink but is fighting with just his own will. You both have to get the right GUIDANCE and SUPPORT from the right place to be successful. This is to big a challenge for two people who don't know what they are up against.

    That's the only thing you are doing wrong, not getting the help that YOU need, so how can you possibly help someone who suffers with what he is going through? Your are putting yourself through some very unnecessary danger, and setting yourself up for failure. Both of you. Get yourself involved in ALANON, and learn the correct things to do, or leave before things get worse than what they already are.

    Just because he refuses to let God work through other people, doesn't mean you follow HIS example. Go get the right help for you, or else you are no good to him, and that's a problem you have control over.
    grammadidi's Avatar
    grammadidi Posts: 1,182, Reputation: 468
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    #20

    Apr 26, 2011, 10:00 AM

    Had to spread the rep, Talaniman. You are right on the mark here. Phodawbar, instead of seeing this as a fault situation you must understand the illness of addiction. Imagine how very hard it has been for YOU to listen to, then heed our advice. How many Al-Anon meetings have YOU been to? How many places have you looked at as a possible new home for you and your son? How much did you read of the links we provided for you? How much money have you stashed away for your 'save your life' plan? How many women's shelters have you contacted? I believe I said somewhere (and if I didn't, I should have) that you need to let go and let God.

    Your primary responsibility in all of this is to do what is necessary to keep you and your child safe and happy. If you want to feel 'bad' or 'guilty' about anything, then that is where your responsibility lies right now. It serves no purpose to feel bad, guilty or irresponsible. The only thing that matters is to grasp on to the knowledge that you have and do what you CAN do for you and your child.

    Your husband is probably in a very, very bad place right now. That has NOTHING to do with you. Let him own his problems and you own yours. Treat him with love and respect. Don't tell him what he needs to do anymore. He, like you, KNOWS what to do. Both of you just have to put that knowledge to work for yourselves right now.

    Your little guy, whether you want to admit it or not, is affected by every decision you make... or don't make right now. He needs at least one of you to start acting responsibly. We can talk until we're blue in the face telling you what to do. It won't change anything unless you actually DO it. We have given you the tools you require to change things and be happy. You and probably others have given your husband the tools he requires. The question is... what are YOU going to do with YOURS?

    Hugs, Didi

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