[Sheherazade]

Hi guys,

Firstly I'd like to say what a wealth of information the 'Relationships' section is (the only section I've checked out so far!) and how helpful the community seems :) Looking forward to getting all your insights on my dilemma.

I'm going to try and keep it as short as I can and if I need to embellish or clarify certain points can someone please point this out to me and I'll do so.

The man I was with was separated, had lived apart from his wife for 8 months and was (still is) going through a divorce. Alarm bells ringing already, I know, but please read on.

We met, he swept me off my feet, he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible, impress me with gifts/nights out/weekends away etc. I met his children and all his family very early (a month into the relationship), he also helped me with lots of mundane stuff like diy etc round the house, he would talk in length about 'our' future - kids, marriage etc.

I liked all this, to a point. Please don't think I went along with everything above blindly - I used to refuse dates a lot so I still had my own time (for friends/family etc). He was just very excited and caught up with me. Stupidly (now with benefit of hindsight) I questioned everything and really didn't trust his actions, he saw me as very stand-offish, aloof and he questioned whether I wanted to be with him or not. I broke up with him a few times and he would change my mind, but it still left him feeling "rejected."

In truth, I was just overwhelmed and thought it all a little too good to be true (bloody 'glass-half-empty' state of mind ruining the day!). I backed off from him and after a difficult week (with me ignoring texts/calls from him), I spoke to him and he said he "thought i was right when i said that he needed time to be single and play the field" (which is what I did think and had told him a few times) but that "he didn't want to lose me." I immediately said "let's go on a break" to which he was quite sullen about, but I wasn't hanging around on the phone so was polite but to the point and said goodbye.

He was meant to be coming round the following day "to talk" (his idea) but I told him that I didn't want to. So he put down what he wanted to say in an email instead (crap, I know! But I suppose it's because I refused to see him) and said he wanted to break up (not just a break as I had suggested and he'd been all sullen and disappointed about) because I was right about him needing to be single for a while, but he thinks I'm his soulmate and he wants nothing more than to be a in a relationship with me, he just feels it would be 'unfair' at the minute.

The next time I saw him was a few days later when he came to pick some clothes up and he indicated that he'd like to stay and chat, but I said I needed to be somewhere, so it was literally a 30 second exchange. He then texted me two weeks later to see if I'd still like to go to a gig we'd organised to go to together this summer (I didn't reply), another two weeks later he started commenting on old photos of him at my bbq (nothing soppy, just "in-joke/private joke" kind of comments (I didn't respond), a couple of days later I restricted the areas of my Facebook he could see and he immediately deleted me as a friend (he would only have known about the 'restriction' had he been regularly checking my Facebook page) and sent me a text asking me to move a load of stuff I had stored at his house, seeing as we were no longer "being friendly" (I ignored this as well). He then messaged me a week later a friendlier message asking about my stuff again and I responded simply giving a date when I'd pick the stuff up. He then replied saying there was actually no rush and he just wanted to "talk about" the stuff (what is there to talk about? It's either staying or it's going! ) and asked me how things were going (I didn't reply). When it actually came to picking the stuff up, I sent two male friends to collect it and apparently my ex asked after me a number of times.

NC comes quite naturally to me, and it's been three months since we broke up and total NC on my part. It's only now I'm starting to miss him a little. Usually it's the other way round for me: dented pride/ego for the first few days/week after break up then move on and fine. But it's only now I realise what I had. A few friends (who know I can be a tad difficult both generally and in relationships, especially with the whole 'arm's length' thing) have said I'm being too stubborn and that I should go and see him or respond to him. They also think that the break up was largely to do with the fact that I had broken up with him a few times, given him no reassurance and that his email declaring a break-up after I'd asked for a break was a combination of saving face, issuing an 'all-or-nothing' ultimatum, along with the actual feeling that he wanted to break up due to being so frustrated with my behaviour.

He hasn't tried to contact me since my friends moved the stuff from his house. About four weeks ago. I have something of his here (found it about a week ago), do I just text and say "I'm in the area, shall I drop it round?"

I'm not sure about 'getting back together' or anything like that. I just miss this guy and want to see him and I think I've made it too clear I don't wish to have anything to do with him. NC provided me lots of positive breathing space and now I have a clearer picture going forward, I just need some advice and opinions to take on board.

Just to add - we were only together for just over three months

[talaniman]

Wait until he has been divorced for a year, not separated, but divorced. Till then steer clear, and let him get his business handled, and head in order.

Enjoy yourself without him and don't give in to temptation, or curiosity(?).

[Bertie35]

I have been in exactly the same situation apart from I now feel 100% sure I want to be with this man! The fact that he was so perfect (if that can be true) completley overwhelmed me and the tim apart from him not only made me miss him but made me sure I wanted to be with him! So be careful you may miss him, but be sure of the reason to contact him!

[chrisinuae]

Whoa, firstly, I think you were right to be a bit apprehensive in that he was moving way too fast, i.e. introducing you to his family so quickly. That's a bit much! I haven't taken time to think about your situation and am replying after reading it quickly,but In my opinion, I think you more likely miss the "challenge" so to speak. It's like, as long as he was keeping some kind of contact it showed he was still around and was thinking of you at least. Seems you're feeling a bit rejected now that he's broken contact and looking for any excuse to make that contact, as in finding a way to return something that he obviously doesn't miss or need or he'd have contacted you about it if it were. We often want the things we can't have, it's the thrill of having someone want us and the feeling of not being wanted when they don't. In reading your post, you sound intelligent, and I think you already know the answers to your questions.. it's interesting though how many women have these kinds of stories in common... good luck with it, be sure to always hold your head up! You're worth it!