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anabelleleigh · Apr 15, 2011, 07:35 AM

I have been with my boyfriend for 17 months & we spend all of our time together. Once every 3-5 months we'll get into a big fight & he will tell me that he doesn't love me. Of course it hurts because no girl ever wants to hear her guy say that. Well, after our fights our relationship always gets 10 times better than ever before. I honestly BELIEVE he loves me because of some things he says & because of the way he acts on a daily basis, etc. I am only his 4th real relationship & the past 3 girls have all cheated on them. He dated the first two girls for 2 years & the last girl for 3 years. After the last girl broke up with him he was single for 3 years... until he met me. Part of me thinks it is a huge step just for him to choose ME after 3 years of being single & content. But at the same time I just don't understand why he won't tell me he loves me. He tells all of his family members that he loves them every time he talks to them on the phone, but yet he won't tell me he loves me. He told me once or twice before that he is closer to me than ANYONE else in the world. (Including his family & the guys he's been friends with for over 20 years.) Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? I am kind of starting to lose hope... :(

talaniman · Apr 15, 2011, 07:52 AM

The way you set things straight is with some straight and honest talking, and listening to each other.

If you have been together a bit more than a year and a half, then its time to learn to talk straight to each other, and address the hopes, fears, and expectations of you both, so decisions can be made, and concerns addressed.

You may have been coasting along on good feelings, but its time to see if you can work together thru honest communications to resolve your issues to the benefit of you both.

Doesn't matter what those issues are, you have to be able to talk to each other, to understand each other. HONEST COMMUNICATIONS, and how you talk to each other is as important as why you talk to each other.

Talking without listening, is a useless waste of time, and you will never be effective communicating if YOUR feelings distract you from what the other person is saying.

He might not use the words you want to hear, but he may be saying them his way, the way he understands them. That's why paying attention is very crucial to learning, and understanding your partner.

sharper11 · Apr 15, 2011, 08:05 AM

After being cheated on by 3 other women, he may not want to jump into the "I love you" stage to quick. . Sounds like he has a Wall up to protect himself.

On the other hand, getting into a fight and telling you that he doesn't love you is unhealthy. Kind of a way for him to, again, protect himself from being you, but at the same time hurting you.

You need to have a serious talk with him about this. Let him know you really care about him (it seems like you do, or you wouldn't ask for advice about it). Try to reassure him that you are trustworthy, and do not want to hurt him.

He sounds a little damaged from past relationships, I'm curious to see where this goes. Keep us informed. And Good Luck.

summer_girl · Apr 15, 2011, 08:16 AM

I think you need to decide if you can be with someone who cannot say that he loves you. If you have an honest talk with him and tell him you need to be loved and you need to be told you are loved, and he still can't do it, then you have to decide if you can live like that. Be careful about telling yourself he loves you because of his actions--the part where he tells you when he's angry that he doesn't love you... that's a red flag. Good luck and keep us posted on how things go.