[NeedAnswers2007]

Hi I'm new to this site. After reading some of the questions and responses, I'm extremely glad I found it. I'm a 42yrs old very affectionate, caring, loving and sometime emotional person. I have been dating a man my age for almost a year who is a very educated, hardworking, and responsible person like myself. We both have careers and do not live together. However, I spend most of my time at his home. He is sexy, funny, silly and has a sense of humor. Aside from me, he does not have any close friends. He does not associate outside of work with co-workers. He can go months/years not communicating with his children/parents and siblings. He thinks he's always right about everything. The problem is... he is not an emotional or affectionate man. We are both victims of childhood abuse... neither one of us grew up in affectionate, loving homes. He will not hug, kiss, cuddle, hold my hand or initiate sex. I initiate everything, all the time. He is a good lovemaker and has only initiated sex twice during our relationship. He does not compliment me or ask me about my day. He travels a lot because of his job, if I ask him if he misses me, he says " a little or I guess." When apart I always call or text him. We argue about his ways a lot. He says he's this way because of his upbringing and past relationships(he's had a few)had no impact. He dislikes that I complain a lot about things (mostly about me always thinking that I'm right about relationships, me having to initiate and the lack of affection) that I have a smart attitude/mouth, that I don't listen and often times overtalk him. Although the relationship is onesided, I try to be the best girlfriend that I can to him. I cook, clean, do his laundry and take lunch to him at his office. I love him and tell him every day/night that I do. Although, he has only told me once; I know he cares about me a lot. He says that he has never loved a woman or been in love. However, I suspect that he loves me because when I ask him if he does, he doesn't answer or he'll say "he don't know." Which is a standard response to thought provoking or serious questions. I have no intentions of leaving this man unless he breaks up with me because he has a good heart, soul and spirit. My question is how do I help this man? Counseling is OUT! What is your opinion of me, him and our relationship? Thanks in advance for your responses.

[Wildcat21]

He is a great guy WHY?

Ughhhhh - he needs a counselour in the worst way!

You're missing SOOOOO much in a relationship.

Quite frankly I don't thin kthis is healthy for you.

Do you see a therpist?

Sorry, but this really isn't normal. He needs help. YOU CAN'T FIX HIM!

[talaniman]

My opinion is your stuck in your ways but want company. I think if you would stop being his some time wife and let him fend for himself and do more of the things you enjoy without him he will do what it takes to keep you or lose you to some one better. All excuses aside Don't complain about his BS and still keep putting up with it. Does that sound healthy to you.

[KMSRyana]

Ok, it's quite simple really. I'm not him, so we're not exactly the same. Likely, he's just really protective of his feelings. Somewhere in his past somebody smashed them really badly and he's never gotten over it. So he ignores them, pretends that he doesn't have feelings in one way or another. It's quite male, and I've been known to go down the same path.

First thing that needs to happen is you need to resist "fixing him" or "fixing your relationship". When I'm pushed I tend to withdraw farther than before. So if he's doing the same thing, then you're widening the gap that you desperately want to close. Let him come to you. Giving him the same attitude of missing him being "no big deal" might not make him be more affectionate at first, but it might make you "one of the boys" in his mind and in time he'll learn to open that emotional floodgate you're looking for.

Second thing that needs to happen is that you need to quit being so submissive. "I cook, clean, do his laundry and take lunch to him at his office." You do too much. I'm not saying that to be silly, he's quite obviously very emotionally independent. He's afraid to let you in, so he's his own "rock". If that's the case, let him be just that.

I'm not telling you this because I'm some kind of relationship expert. He just sounds a lot like somebody I used to be. And the more people started meddling with what was wrong with me, the more I worked at behaving in the ways that bothered them. Men like to fix things (including themselves) but they don't like it when somebody decides to fix them. Whether they need it or not.

Be patient. Let it be his idea. Don't over appreciate him aloud (even if you do a whole bunch inside). If it's right, and you two belong together... He'll figure it out and fix himself.

Good luck.

[JoeCanada76]

Counseling is out. WHY IS THAT? That is what is needed the most. If there was past bad experiances with counseling, that does not mean all councels bad.

Joe

[chuff]

My opinion is he is content with how he is at 42 years old and has expressed to you honestly his feelings. My opinion is that HIS feelings and actions should be respected and appreciated for what they are and not what you want them to be.

If you want someone like you described then you will have to leave this man. If your not willing to do that then respect him and let him live his life without the pestering.

[Wildcat21]

Sounds like you want more and need more than he is willing to give.

I know what that means.