[dkarigithu]

I met this girl last May after I had gone through a bad breakup myself, but I knew I wasn't ready and even though every fibre of my being wanted to be with her I restrained myself. She is a lovely soul upbeat and we had so much in common: cheesy, smart, good senses of humor, open hearted, etc

We didn't talk for about a month but I couldn't stop thinking about her and when I was finally healed I asked her friends to re-introduce us again. They warned me she had a boyfriend living in the UK but at that time all I wanted to do was reconnect with the real world and have a friend to talk to.

So we exchanged numbers and began talking. We'd spend hours talking and texting then the flirting came, which is when she told me about a boyfriend who had just come to visit before returning. She had dated him for close to 3 years and their families had met and they got along very well. She told me that even when he came they only spent 5 days together out of the whole month (after not seeing each other for close to a year) which is when she said she was beginning to doubt them ever working as he wasn't even interested in having sex. The initial romance had dwindled to only a memory and conversation had turned into routine. I made it clear that I didn't want them to be the reason for their breakup and as a result only wanted to be friends and if our paths and hearts did converge into a relationship in the future then so be it but only after she was single.

After our first time hanging out and drinking with my friends, on the drive back home she asked me to kiss her which I did, and this is when it all began, a whirlwind romance that would lead to this question. I had refrained from sex up till this time but when she came to visit me we finally had sex and spent an amazing weekend laughing, cuddling, cooking and watching movies. A month later, we both confessed our feelings for each other and she told me she couldn't go back to her boyfriend as she had found out what she was looking for. She then proceeded to tell me that she couldn't break up with him over the phone, email or chat as it was cowardly and owed him at least a respect which I obliged.

2 months later after a talk with one of her cousins, she was convinced that she should at least tell him what was going on which she did and he didn't react but didn't talk to her for about 2 weeks. When he finally did he began a counter-attack by being sweet, romantic and considerate; calling her all the time, posting sweet posts on her Facebook wall and talking to the family. This made it considerably difficult all the while I did not know about anything as she felt guilty talking to me about him as I would be biased. I'll admit I got angry a couple of times while confronting her threw some uncalled for accusations but we always reconcilled very quickly and buried the hatchet, till one day when she told me that if I continued doing this she'd break. So I stopped.

I began focusing on my work and school to distract myself from over analysing every single post or harbouring mistrust, and eventually she began taking it as a sign that I'm pulling away which is when she gave me an ultimatum to either communicate or let her go. I took time to think about it and told her that I wanted to be with only her and explained my reasons for distancing myself.

We had a lovely December until the 25th when the boyfriend wished her Christmas wishes which the entire family began praising and commenting on how good they were together. I was pretty drunk at the time so I posted a "point taken" and left it at that. We talked the next morning and she explained to me that it was just the way her family was. Her friend then called me the next night (while I was drinking) and stirre me into a rage and when she called I flipped and broke it off. We later reconcilled and spent new years together before I had to return to school and work.

Her boyfriend then came to visit and they spent 1 weeks together while I was away when she broke it off but during that period I was distraught (cause of the recent argument) and drunk a lot more but after 2 weeks I was back to normal. She had broken it off with him but at the same time she told me he managed to stir up emotions she had repressed and that she needed time to heal from this relationship before being with me.

Its been 2.5 months since he left and although her family is experiencing difficulty she hasn't yet healed. I spend a lot of time trying to remind her about the good times we had together but she's still down.

Is there something I'm doing wrong, should I just pull away and let her deal with her issues first or should I stick around and be there for till she's ready?
Would inquiring about her feelings and/or state of mind help?

Please help, I'm really confused and don't know what to do. She's amazing and I would really want to wife her but I'm afraid what I'm doing might cause her to associate her pain with me. She says she loves me but I didn't know what to think.

[talaniman]

What would you expect to happen getting yourself involved in a complicated love triangle?

The funny part was you were so cavalier about not breaking them up, yet proceeded to spend a bunch of time together as friends(?), but we all know the real motives, she was lonely, you were smitten, and before long here come the feelings of attraction that spending good times with a member of the opposite sex brings.

Through all of this, you let yourself be lead through this emotional roller coaster because you didn't have the sense to back off early on (like when you found out she has a boyfriend for instance), and when you did it was to late and the damage was done.

Its really simple as to what you do next, LEAVE HER ALONE. Get a life without her, and learn from this experience. You would do well to not just follow your own needs, with someone who is involved with someone else already.

[Unrequitedlove]

I think you need to tell her that you are only going to hurt yourself more by being close to her and tell her to get back in touch when she feels ready. Staying emotionally close to her is going to harm you more because she doesn't sound like a very reliable person right now. Give her time to sort her life out meanwhile you move on get yourself busy with work, friends, school, whatever just move on and it will get easier. Definitely don't use booze as medicine you only make things worse. Good luck.