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token09 · Apr 8, 2011, 03:10 AM

My partner and I have split after 6 years together. We love each other still, but circumstances have got on top of us. J was always more ready than I was to move forward with our relationship. When we met I was still living at home while she was at uni in my town. We fell out after she'd been working here for a year after Uni and so she moved back home to try and end it basically.

But we worked things out and stayed together, but now we had a long distance relationship and it started by her coming to see me as much as possible on her days off. Then, after finding out she didn't feel I was putting the effort in, I made sure I was spending more time going to see her too.

J then wanted started asking about moving back here, but only if I moved in with her, which I really wanted to do but didn't want to go from being a mummy's boy to being a useless boyfriend who lived with her. It began to feel like we were living 2 lives, one on the phone together and when we saw each other every other week, and what we had to do away from that to keep ourselves occupied. Through this we began to miss each other a hell of a lot more, and more recently J, who didn't usually say it, started telling me she missed me and would end up very upset and angry with me on the phone.

So, doing what I thought was best I moved out of my parents and began a process of trying to get myself ready to not be such a kid and be with her properly. But now it's too late. She began to hurt so much that she couldn't take it anymore, and she has decided to walk away from us. She is hurting and so am I. There is now another guy on the scene that is buying her presents etc, and I think she is looking at it as she needs to start a fresh with someone else so she doesn't hurt anymore missing me. She has said as much.

I know a lot of this is my own fault. I was very immature and afraid of taking the right steps. Mainly because I wasn't sure how to go about it, especially when she was so sure about what needed done. I should have just followed along and we would have been OK. I am not sure what I am meant to do. I don't want to keep pestering her, and I want to give her space, but not with this other guy on the scene who gives her a chance to just push me out of her head.

jrsomello · Apr 9, 2011, 03:58 PM

So you guys been together six years and now she wants out. What I would suggest you do is sit down and write down everything that you feel went wrong in the relationship and try to be objective, not being to hard on yourself or vice versa. Make one last stand, meaning GO TO HER wherever she lives at far away, dress your best, and let her know that things will be different. You will be more of a man, not just for her but for yourself. Maybe you can win her back. But the clocks a tickin and you don't want Santa over there winning her heart with his gifts while your at home on the phone pleading. TAKE ACTION. And if you fail, hey at least you went all out. Good Luck!

token09 · Apr 11, 2011, 03:31 AM

Thanks for the advice jrsomello.

The problem now is that I have been pleading with her so much on the phone that she is now just angry at me and says that she doesn't want to speak to me, let alone see me. I've read a lot about people making grand gestures when they break up to win back their partner, but what I'm saying to her isn't a grand gesture but what I had wanted to do for many months now, and I'm trying to get her to understand that. I can't prove it to her without her wanting to try, but she has the last 6 years as evidence that its not moved forward in that time so why would it now.

Edy020 · Apr 11, 2011, 11:00 AM

Six years is a long time to be with someone without making any decision on progressing in a relationship. I don't want to assign fault, because I don't know the situation. That being said, I think that you are now willing to do anything to keep her precisely because there is someone else in the picture. You need to get on, or move on. You are to start from ground zero and romance your way back to her heart, not with words, but with action. Send her flowers, have a radio station play her favorite song, send her love poems (library has poetry books). This is a growing experience for you. If you love her, make a fool of yourself over her if you have to. Send flowers to her job, we love that. Send a box of candy. Send a singing telegram. Show her you love her enough to want to keep her.

token09 · Apr 12, 2011, 03:15 AM

I did wee things like send her love notes, but she got really angry one day when her friends found one of them before she did, she thought I was trying to just make a show of how good I was to them, but that totally wasn't it. So I'm not sure how flowers sent to her work would go down. I've emailed her lines from some songs where the words meant something to me and us (Neyo-Make it work).
Yeah, 6 years is a hell of a long time, and I accept full responsibility for it. I had started to make major changes to my life before he was on the scene, but I made the mistake of not speaking to her about it properly (when you have a phone relationship, you speak all the time but you seem to rarely talk). Now whatever I say to her comes across, even when I look at it, as a grand gesture in a pathetic bid to try and keep her. But it really isn't the case and it is a process that I had started before any of this came to a head.
I can only prove it by actions,but need her to be on board too.

amicon · Apr 12, 2011, 04:33 AM

She's not on board though is she?

She's walked away from the relationship and she is probably seeing someone else.

Reality check-it's over.

I suggest you leave her be.

Go no contact and start healing;any contact will only keep you stuck in the past.

Any changes you should be making should be changes to become a better person-for yourself,not for anyone else.

token09 · Apr 12, 2011, 06:00 AM

At this moment not, she's not on board. She has had doubts before, as have I, but we have always got through them because we do really love each other (maybe a bit too much.) I suppose we've just never really communicated very well and let our feelings have too much of a handle on the relationship.

talaniman · Apr 12, 2011, 06:31 PM

Leave her alone to let the emotional dust settle, and focus on making those changes that YOU want for yourself, so you can build a life that you enjoy without her in it, so you can stop wasting time getting someone back that doesn't want to be gotten back.

Look I know you feel lousy about the way things have turned out, but continuing down the emotional path that you are on will make things worse, because you ignore the fact that she has been trying to break up for quite a while, and doesn't want to fix things so accept you are on your own and NEED to do for yourself.

Sorry for your loss.