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Mycurses · Apr 6, 2011, 05:20 PM

I have previously talked about my relationship status. I have talked about my crushes, and my dreams. But I have never really dedicated a question to my feeling about not being in a relationship. And let me tell you, they are not pleasant. I feel like I am mature enough to be in a relationship, and I feel a strange feeling about this topic. I can't put my finger on it but the closest I ever came to it is loneliness, or longing. I was really hoping someone could help me in some way. These feeling are getting out of control and really starting to rule my life. I hate it and want to be with someone. I want someone to love me, outside of my family. I want a guy to love me. I can't really fathom that happening, as I am a big girl and consider myself far from pretty, but I think it needs to happen soon or I might snap. I don't know how someone could help but maybe something like learning to work with these feelings or resolving the problem the way I want it. AKA getting a boyfriend who truly loves me. This is a difficult situation for me because my mother never went through this, she told me that, and there really is no other females, or males for that matter, in my life that I trust enough with this subjet to help me. So I came to the only place you can really come to share your feeling without anyone judging you to seriously. So please, I am truly out of options, and out of places to look for help with something I can't deal with alone. Please help.

talaniman · Apr 6, 2011, 07:57 PM

So how old are You??

Mycurses · Apr 7, 2011, 05:14 AM

I am fourteen. But I am very mature for my age. I was chosen to go on a summer camp for impovershed Jamaican children as a volunteer in Jamaica with no one I knew. Anyway just to clarify I don't want a relationship for sex that is the LAST thing I want. And I am practicing chastity. I just want someone that will hold me and tell me he cares for me. Outside of the normal circle of friends and family love stuff. That is important to just not what I think I need right now.

talaniman · Apr 7, 2011, 08:09 AM

Lets be clear. I understand what you want, but its more important to not make it a need. Already you are putting more importance on normal, growing feelings that all humans feel, and have.

They way you deal with those feelings is NOT to focus on one person, but spread them out among many friends. Guys specifically. Make them friends, or you will follow those intense, and growing wants down a very confusing path.

The whole point is my young friend, is to act as maturely as you say you are, and learn NOW, how you best cope with those feelings. And don't get so carried away by them that it over rules your common sense, and maturity, or put you in bad situations.

Ideally get the facts from a much more mature older female, like your mom, or a teacher you respect, not from a friend who though mature, probably doesn't know as much as you do. That kind of guidance, and Good Orderly Direction, will serve you well as you really mature in the next few years.

Knowledge is power, and knowledge of oneself is great power, and RESPONSIBILITY. Responsibility is the true measuring stick of real maturity, and not just out of control feelings. Knowing the difference between needs, and WANTS.

Have that talk, and gain knowledge from an older responsible adult female, so you will understand your own feelings, and deal with them maturely.

kcomissiong · Apr 7, 2011, 08:54 AM

What I would strongly advise you to do is to seek counseling and find out why you can't find value and satisfaction within yourself and need to look for it in another person. Talk to your parents about your feelings, and keep in mind that if you are not happy being you, you won't be happy as a part of a relationship either. Why is so much of what you think of yourself defined by what other people think of you?

Mycurses · Apr 7, 2011, 01:13 PM

Thank you talaniman for the great advice but kcomissiong I'm not sure what you are trying to say? I value myself very much. I do. I am very happy being me, and don't get me wrong I have my moments of insecurity but I am not usually a insecure person. I just want a relationship more than I think other people do and more than I think I should. And anyone that can help me find a way to deal with these confusing feeling that I think are running me off a good, moral, mature path in life I would be delighted. All I'm asking in this post is for a way to deal with these feelings or get rid of them all together.

talaniman · Apr 7, 2011, 08:05 PM

Accept your feelings, they are yours, just stay within the boundaries of good behavior.

We seldom can control what feelings we have, but we can control what we do about them.

kcomissiong · Apr 8, 2011, 08:43 AM

I do believe that the best way to deal with the feelings of needing someone else so intensely is to do some self reflection. What is missing in you that you need so much from another person? What can they offer you that you are not finding in your platonic relationships or within yourself. It seems that you are looking for fulfillment in another person, and I would like so much for you to feel that with yourself.

talaniman · Apr 8, 2011, 03:15 PM

She is a smart, sensitive, young female who wants intimacy, and closeness.

From a guy, but there is no focus, just like a young guy of 14, is just realizing how attractive girls really are, and teasing, hitting, and pulling pigtails is just not enough any more.

Yeah, I remember 14... >sigh<..! ;);)

Mycurses · Apr 8, 2011, 05:51 PM

Thanks talaniman! I think you hit the nail right on the head! I haven't really been able to communicate what I want but when I read your post I knew that was exactly how to describe it. I think for right now I will direct those feelings at the people I admire in my life and stop being so reserved around the people I love and care about. Thank you so much everyone!

talaniman · Apr 9, 2011, 08:42 AM

Probably your intense feelings will also come with choices. Get facts before you follow your feelings.

Gain knowledge, and plenty of it, so you can make good choices for yourself, based on facts and not just feelings.

That cute bad boy who makes you feel all fuzzy, that its seems you can't think of anything else, may not be good for you, nor the nice guy who gives you attention, you may not be use to.

As long as you keep fact, FANTASY, and feelings in REALITY, then you will protect yourself, as you start going through those very difficult growing pains. Curiosity, is not love, just another intense feeling to deal with in a positive mature way.

Have fun, but be smart. Always have a Good Orderly Direction about yourself.

Mycurses · Jul 8, 2011, 11:04 AM

Okay so I've worked everything out. Somehow. I don't really know how. But I have done some self-reflection, and now that we are on summer vacation, I have a lot of time to myself to think about stuff. I spend A LOT of time thinking. I've grown up a bit, and now that I come back and read these posts, my answers seem silly and immature. I have realized I am not as mature and smart as I pride myself on. (I do realized that I am smart and mature for my age, but not as much as I thought). I have spent tons more time with my mom, and dad and brother, and my brother has even started to invite me to hang out with him and his friends (a careful balance of males and females). A border moved into my house (an approximately 20 year old guy) and we get along really well. We have a lot in common. (And by the way, I have no desire to be in a relationship with him so please don't think I am trying to tell you I like him!)Now that school is out for the summer, and I'm on my way to high school, I think the pressure of becoming a teen has really lightened up and when I get in high school they will be of a different, and more tolerable, kind. Just an update I thought you guys would be glad to hear about!