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    Firefly101's Avatar
    Firefly101 Posts: 5, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Apr 1, 2011, 03:14 PM
    Should I stay or go?
    My boyfriend and I are having problems and I don't know if I should stay with him. I am in a three year relationship with him and we do have our fights more often then not recently. You see, January of this year I lost my job and it absolutely devastated me. My boyfriend was great about it, I even cried on his shoulder all night. A couple days later I didn't think that being in a relationship in that state was a good idea especially since we had been arguing. I told him I don't think things are working out but he insisted that we work on our relationship. He said that it is my sadness because of unemployment talking. So fine, we tried. A few weeks later the fighting began again and I asked him for a break to think about us and our future in which he out right refused saying that he does not want a break and that we are doing fine. The thing we fight over a lot is his availability. Every time we set a date he breaks it for work and he constantly puts work ahead of me. I understand that he is hardworking but to say one thing then ditch me at the last minute with no phone call or apology?

    After he stood me up yet again I decided not to take his calls. But there was a big problem. I moved back in to my parents house where they were more then happy to suggest I move in to save my money until something comes up. (moving back in with parents is depressing enough)but I did. Anyway I had to go no contact in their house, which is hard to do because I just can't change their number. I refused to answer my cellphone and then he called my parents house! He pretended that he needed to tell my father something then my father gave me the phone. I was pissed and asked him not to call here. Then he said that he couldn't reach me otherwise so he had to try there. Since then we managed to work on things until yesterday when he begged to see me so I got dressed and drove right over only to discover that he wasn't home and didn't have the decency to tell me we stepped out. SO I called him and he said I could have waited. But how the door was locked and I didn't know how long he would take. It's these type of insensativity I have to deal with.
    He knows how depressed I still am over my job loss and it doesn't help that I keep getting emotional over our situation. He refuses to give me a break or break up. He is a tall goodlooking man so I don't understand his seeming desperation to hold on to something that's falling apart. It frustrates me because I cannot control losing a job but I would like to think I can have a say over my relationship status. When he does these things it makes me feel worse then I already do. Dealing with one issue is bad enough but I don't think I'm emotionally ready to cope with his nonsense too. I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face and he refuse to listen. All I ask is that he be reasonable enough to see my pain and leave me alone. I cannot deal with this.
    KBC's Avatar
    KBC Posts: 2,550, Reputation: 487
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    #2

    Apr 1, 2011, 05:30 PM
    This man seems to truly care about you,more than you care for yourself... some would say this one might be a keeper!

    OK,you lost your job,millions have in the last 5-10 years due to whatever."Why do we fall?,so we learn how to pick ourselves up again"(Batman,The beginning)

    You are off your comfort zone, unemployed and perhaps feel less than desirable,He doesn't see you as this.

    The fighting is a healthy thing between most couples, couples who don't fight from time to time have issues outside the relationship.

    If you feel you are not available for him,make that abundantly clear,but remember the ramifications of leaving a relationship(support system) while dealing with this stress of losing your work.. you might regret doing that.

    Hope to hear more from you soon:)

    KBC
    adviceishere's Avatar
    adviceishere Posts: 1,027, Reputation: 492
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    #3

    Apr 2, 2011, 12:58 AM
    When we get the depressed or down about things you should never ever make such rash decisions! Trust me! Your thinking is completely different... I once gave up my home and every thing in it one day and never returned because I "hated" it, oh my god... I actually loved that place and it wasn't until a few weeks after my depression lifted that I really realized what a mistake I made...

    But, I also think that a little break would do you good and I think some compromising should be important in this case... I think if you tell your partner an exact time limit on this break, maybe 2 weeks? With no contact, tell him you're still together and there will be no dating and at the end of the break you should have a much clearer mind set, if not, then agree on more time, but it would be unfair to just tell him you want a break and he has no idea if this is for forever or a week... and that would cause him to keep calling, so tell him the exact day you will get in touch with him and this will hopefully reassure him more.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Apr 2, 2011, 10:24 AM

    If you really wanted him to leave you alone, you would be a lot clearer in words and actions, so let not blame him.

    However his not being more straight forward and communicating with you is even more an issue that only he can solve. Breaking dates and now calling adds to your frustration, and maybe you need away from this relationship, to focus on your own personal issues.

    He ain't ready, and you ain't able. Not a winning combination in my book.
    hidden123's Avatar
    hidden123 Posts: 153, Reputation: 51
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    #5

    Apr 7, 2011, 02:16 PM
    He sounds very controlling to me..

    I understand you needing the time to figure things out and needing some time for that. And him ditching you constantly is disrespectful to you, to your time, it's hurtful and definitely not helpful. Stick to your guns. Good luck!
    Firefly101's Avatar
    Firefly101 Posts: 5, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    May 9, 2011, 07:01 PM
    I've perfected the art of crying
    Threads merged


    So I had finally decided to end my three year relationship with my boyfriend two days ago. I tried to call him to tell him its over but he didn't give me a chance to say it as he was busy. Fine so I sent a text message asking him not to call me again. He called later that day but I didn't answer the phone. He called the next morning 5:40 am then at six o'clock, I did not answer the phone. Then he uses someone else's phone to call me around the same time and I didn't trust it so I didn't answer the phone, and it did turn out to be him. Anyway at about one two o'clock I started to feel just awful for ignoring his calls and so I decided to take his call around two o'clock. He said that he needed to talk to he a little later on when he is free. I said fine then hung up the phone. I waited for him to call me all night but he didn't.

    Fine, the next day, well today actually, I called him this morning to ask him what he had to tell me, again he rushed me off the phone and said he was busy and that he would call later. At this time I'm getting angry. Again I tried calling a little while ago and this time no answer. Now I see this is all a game to him. I was fully prepared to cut him out of my life then he does this. So I sent a text calling him a liar and for him not to contact me ever again because we will never be then I turned my phone off.

    Why did I break up? Oh let me count the ways.

    First of all he went away to visit relatives for a whole month and only called me three times.
    He didn't call me when he first came back claiming he was trying to catch up. He asked me to come over and I did. We had "quality time" (something I now regret). THe next day I tried calling him but he didn't answer the phone, I texted him saying that I don't think he loves me anymore. He calls back about twenty minutes later but by then I'm at the movie theatre. The next day I get no phone call from him, which to me proved that he didn't care how I felt and this spured on the break-up. I am a believer in tough love and can't tolerate games. We're both adults. If he wasn't interested in me all he had to do was say, after all I've given him so many opportunities to say so. This is why I get angry at him. I wanted him to be upfront and honest. If the love isn't there then it isn't there. I would respect him so much more if he was man enough to be straight with me. It didn't have to end like this. What I just mentioned may seem petty to some but if I continue to get taken in by his games I would start losing it. He continues to stomp on my already fragile heart and it's not right.
    Was I too harsh or justified?
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,002, Reputation: 553
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    #7

    May 9, 2011, 07:53 PM
    I think this is too much drama. If you are tired of the way he treats you then just break up with him. What's the point of playing this cat and mouse game with him that all it is accomplishing is drama and wasting time on both sides.

    Good luck,
    Javi
    ironhide262's Avatar
    ironhide262 Posts: 277, Reputation: 243
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    #8

    May 9, 2011, 08:28 PM
    I agree... way too much drama.

    Why all the games/phoning/texting. Walk up to him, tell him it's over and why then leave. Simple, straight up.. it's the way you like it and you expect him to be. Also, once you commit to that decision... STICK TO IT!
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #9

    May 9, 2011, 08:34 PM

    It sounds like you communicate mainly by phone or text, and he doesn't really like communicating that way.

    Also, you seem to expect a few phone calls a day, just so you know he loves you.

    If that's the kind of man you need, then find a man that doesn't mind receiving numerous calls a day, and doesn't mind constantly being on the phone.

    Now that it's over, let it be over. Go to no contact, delete him from Facebook, ignore his calls, and get on with your life.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #10

    May 9, 2011, 11:28 PM

    You broke up with him,why do you want him to keep calling you?

    No contact.
    towhidskynet's Avatar
    towhidskynet Posts: 9, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    May 10, 2011, 10:58 AM
    you still have to do a lot of growing up, that is all I can say.

    and thanks to our mobile phone companies for these brake ups ( being sarcastic ) . Human relationship is very special. It cannot be done or be cherished over the phone.

    I honestly think none of you is ready for any serious relationship, specially after the game you and your boyfriend play over the phone.

    give yourself sometime, may be 5-10 years. You will be more mature to understand the value of love,affection and passion.
    Firefly101's Avatar
    Firefly101 Posts: 5, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Nov 11, 2011, 10:26 AM
    Complicated Ex BF Situation
    So here is the deal. I broke up with my boyfriend of four years two and a half weeks ago. The reason we broke up is because he started telling lies about his whereabouts and had some shady behavior that I didn't trust. It happened when I was at his house while he was fixing my car (he's a mechanic) so he left with it to bring it back. Basically I stayed at his place. Found a recent picture of a trip that he took a couple months ago. At that time he told me he went to see some specialist for his "illness". Immediately that was a lie he told me, obviously to cover up that he went away with some other woman. He said his "family" surprised him with a trip when he went to visit them (give me a break). Too many lies and covering up, if that were the case why didn't he just say that in the beginning when he came back. Anyway we had a huge fight I wanted to leave but he swore up and down that he wasn't with another woman. I remembered too that when he left he neglected to tell me and for a week I didn't know if he was alive or not and I was sick with worry. Anyway he managed to calm me down (temporarily) then we "made up". So he asked me to drop him by his work place and I said goodbye and that was that.

    Later on that night he calls me and asks why I didn't call him. During those hours I had time to really think about the whole situation and realized that his lies were too much to get over and I told him that I wanted to end the relationship. He was surprised and again tried to defend his lies. So he asked if we can be friends but I said no. So he still attempted to make amends but I just couldn't deal and hung up. The next day he calls me and he sounds devastated. Told me some lame reason for calling asking me if my father was still selling his truck. I asked him if he wanted my father's number directly so that they can discuss their own business. He said no. I asked him if he is okay but he asked me not to worry about him then hangs up. So I sent him a text saying that I'm sorry for hurting him and that I care about what happens to him. He didn't respond.

    That weekend I went away and left my cell phone home. When I got back I saw 17 missed calls from him! So I get worried and calls him back but it's about Sunday 8 o'clock and he doesn't answer although I know he saw the call but was probably mad that he couldn't reach me. So the next morning I call him and I tell him I went away for the weekend. So he asks if I went with my new boyfriend, I said no but he was a little demanding in wanting to know who I went away with. I reassured him that it was a solo trip. He said he was just calling to say hi but I didn't believe him.

    So shortly after that he called pretty often. Asking me if I think I made a mistake about breaking up. He really put me on the spot because I am unsure as to weather or not I did. I had been having second thoughts and I know he wants to get back together. He called me sweetie a couple days ago (on purpose) then apologized and said "oh I forgot since you dumped me I can't call you that". So slowly we started talking regularly almost like we were together. He was waiting for me to tell him that I regret breaking up but the words just can't come. He asked me several times to see me but our schedules didn't mix well. Anyway yesterday I went by his work to tell him that my brakes are acting funny so he tells me to come tomorrow morning which is today to change them. I asked him how much it will cost but he tells me I don't have to pay, however I told him to let me pay but he insisted that he would. Shortly after that we get into a fight because we couldn't decide where I would stay while he fixes it. I told him today isn't really a good day for me but decided to go anyway. This morning I arrive and he tells me he is going to drop me home, I live far but whatever. When he pulls up he tells me tells me the cost! This surprised me because he said it would be free but he said since I insisted to pay he will charge me but not for the labor. He knows I don't have much money but I angrily pay him and then storm off. If he is trying to get back why would he charge me? We have been fighting these past couple days so I guess so.

    It just seems like his actions are showing me that it probably isn't worth it to get back together. I can't seem to get over the lies but I do miss him sometimes and wonder if he could possibly be my future husband. Should I just leave it be or try to work on this?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #13

    Nov 11, 2011, 11:21 AM
    Okay you tried again, and since it still isn't working, leave him alone.

    Get another mechanic.

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