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    lostinthedesert's Avatar
    lostinthedesert Posts: 8, Reputation: 5
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    #1

    Apr 1, 2011, 04:42 AM
    Gf of 3 years decided she needs space while Im deployed...
    Ive been with this girl for almost 3 years. Been up and down as some relationships are but ever since I deployed it was on a real high and right after valentines it all fell apart. She met a new girlfriend that has similar interests and grew up in the same area and but met in our town 700 miles away from there. The girl has basically replaced me as someone she can lean on and talk to daily. Long story short I'm still deployed but the GF is moving out and in with 2 other girls as she says needs time to figure herself out (shes 22 I'm 32) and what she really wants as she feels trapped in our relationship all the sudden. Says she's been holding on to feelings for almost 2 years about something that happened back then. Says its better that she goes now and figures out what she wants before things get any further.
    I really don't know how this is going to pan out but everyone tells me "never know" blah blah blah so I'm trying to settle in and realize she's gone for good but just can't seem to grasp it I guess. We are back to talking cordially and we have 3 dogs which kind of ties us together because they are like kids to us but I don't want to be strung along either. Ideally id like to stay busy but there's only so much to do out here where I work 12-16 hours a day at a desk with nothing but my thoughts.
    Guess I'm just looking for advice. Trying to maintain no contact but until she's out of my house it's a little hard to do that and she refuses to transfer the phone to her own name which means I have to contact her for the money for the phone bill.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #2

    Apr 1, 2011, 05:04 AM

    Sorry,that's a tough call.

    I must say that in my experience,the 'figure out myself' or 'I need a break' means' I'm breaking up with you only I'm not honest enough to say so'.

    As soon as it's at all possible go 100% no contact-sort something out regarding the phone and get your life back on track.

    I must say that I think it's an age difference thing as well,at 22 she's wanting to experience life and see what's out there.
    lostinthedesert's Avatar
    lostinthedesert Posts: 8, Reputation: 5
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    #3

    Apr 1, 2011, 05:10 AM
    Yeah I understand the age thing has a play in it. Never understood the figure thing out excuse. She bounced from relationship to relationship like I did so I'm using the break for me as well. When we first got together I was still with someone and that has had a lasting effect on her apparently. We had long term plans for the year and vacations bought and paid for when I get home.. just sucks
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #4

    Apr 1, 2011, 05:24 AM

    Yes,it sucks,and you can only keep yourself as busy with your own life as you can and work your way through it.

    On a practical note,as for the holidays can you cancel and get some of the money back?
    Devorameira's Avatar
    Devorameira Posts: 2,461, Reputation: 981
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    #5

    Apr 1, 2011, 06:17 AM

    The best thing you can do for yourself is to consider this as a break-up and move on. Moving on is tough, but not moving on would be tougher.

    No contact is the only way to go. You seem to be using the excuse that you have to contact her to get the money for the phone bill because she won't put it in her name. You need to give her a time limit to get it transferred into her name and then simply turn the phone off if she doesn't comply.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Apr 1, 2011, 01:25 PM

    Just me, you should have told her to find a place on her own to figure herself out at, and had the phone turned off. Then you start NC, and have someone to make sure she doesn't wreck the place after her 30 days are up.

    Cancel those holidays, and anything else about her, and your lack of not handling your business correctly won't bite you in the a$$ as bad.

    No wonder she is cordial, and nice when you talk to her, you're her GOLDEN GOOSE!!
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #7

    Apr 2, 2011, 08:39 AM
    Usually when one or the other partner says they 'need time' or 'need space' or they 'need to figure themselves out', that results in, 'I want to be free to date/see other men, be single and have fun, but, I want to dangle a carrot for you, just in case the 'new me' doesn't work out so we can get back together again'.

    Particularly cruel in my opinion, to play these stupid games while you can pose no threat to anything she wants to do because you are overseas.

    To be at the mercy of someone who is not able to remain faithful, is not honest, and can't muster up the courage to end it completely, leaves you a sitting duck, swimming around in circles in a little emotional pond.

    Loving someone, and letting that person go is hard when you still love them, no matter how you have been treated. But remember love is what you do, not what you say. She is clearly not in love with you, or in a place where she is mature or committed enough, to maintain a solid relationship. Adding long distance on top of that, in itself, makes it that much harder to maintain a successful relationship.

    You cannot undue, what is. People don't generally change their spots, and that is for many reasons. It could simply be she is not mature enough at her age to know what she wants, and it may be many years until she does.

    Please protect yourself financially. Cancel the phone service. If you shared any credit cards, loans, etc. please take care of that as well. Give her notice to vacate your house, and see if a friend or family member can ensure that she is out on a certain date, and change the locks. As to the dogs, I don't know what to tell you other than to make arrangements to have them taken in by a friend or family member, or she can take them with her for now.

    Time to step up, protect yourself, take care of business, lick your wounds, and move on.
    lostinthedesert's Avatar
    lostinthedesert Posts: 8, Reputation: 5
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    #8

    Apr 2, 2011, 08:52 PM
    Comment on Jake2008's post
    Thanks for the encouraging words. Luckily we don't have any financial matters between us and unfortunately I don't have any one that can close up my house for me. Been holding out on the phone since its cheaper for her to transfer it than it is for me to have to eat the cancellation fees.
    ITstudent2006's Avatar
    ITstudent2006 Posts: 2,243, Reputation: 329
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    #9

    Apr 2, 2011, 08:57 PM

    Weird question but what branch are you in? Where are you deployed to?
    ITstudent2006's Avatar
    ITstudent2006 Posts: 2,243, Reputation: 329
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    #10

    Apr 3, 2011, 05:52 PM

    It is related and I will explain how.

    Our advice is directly related to knowing the situation. Trying to get to know the OP and the OP's issue.

    Knowing what branch you are in and where you are currently deployed to can either open or close possibilities. We can't advise you to skype your g/f to communicate about your issue if you're in Afghanistan now can we?

    I too, am in the service and know how it feels to be in a situation where your best course of action is to put it away. You are in a position where you have no course of action other than forgetting. Keep focused on the mission issued to you and keep your priorities in check. Losing focus and thinking about this could prove fatal to you and your men.

    Let me be the first to say I respect you and what you'r doing. It is not an easy thing to do. Leaving your loved ones behind while you go fight and then being dealt with an issue you have no way of controlling or mitigating can be stressful on military personel.

    Again, I encourage you to stay focused with the task at hand. The mission you were given. Once you are home, you have all the time in the world to straighten this out but getting home is your top prioruty. Staying focused and doing what you signed up for is the first step in getting home.

    I wish you best of luck. Again, not sure what branch you are in but... Semper Fi

    LCpl (last name excluded for safety)
    B co. 1st Bn. 24th Marines 4 Mar Div.

    P.S. When I ask where you are deployed a country is best. Got to keep things within OpSec boundaries.
    lostinthedesert's Avatar
    lostinthedesert Posts: 8, Reputation: 5
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    #11

    Apr 3, 2011, 07:06 PM
    Comment on ITstudent2006's post
    Thank you for clarifying and yes I understand mission comes first but to just drop and forget about your life back home has not been the easiest thing. Fortunately I don't lead any squads and don't go outside the wire. We used to skype daily just to see each others face but than it all went away and I can't even get her to return a text message some days. It is what it is and Im going forward with NC and seeing where I'm at once I rotate back to the states.
    Chair force lol... iraq
    ITstudent2006's Avatar
    ITstudent2006 Posts: 2,243, Reputation: 329
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    #12

    Apr 3, 2011, 07:34 PM

    I understand. Cellphones & Skype... man sign me up! Oh wait, I'm already there.

    NC is a good idea. Setting things aside in your situation may seem difficult but sound like its your best option.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #13

    Apr 3, 2011, 07:40 PM

    It may be well worth you while to get someone to work in your interest back in the States. Maybe your company legal aid, or a commanding officer can guide you to the right steps or direction you can take, to handle your business.
    lostinthedesert's Avatar
    lostinthedesert Posts: 8, Reputation: 5
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    #14

    Apr 4, 2011, 07:11 AM
    I wanted to throw out the latest email she sent me but felt that would be wrong to do since its something between us but the jist of it is I told her I'm moving on and can't wait for her to fix herself. I said if I'm still available when that time comes great but its not fair for me to wait. She said I hurt her when I said maybe I should focus on someone else but that's the reality. Tells me she loves more than anything but has to do this for herself. Of course my answer is if you love someone that much you can work through it. So today is day one of no contact and like I said I get back to the states in a few months and Ill see where things stand and go from there. Moving on but not really because there's only so much to do and think about here. Of course Ill miss her but that's how it goes. If she contacts me I won't ignore it but I seriously doubt ill hear from her...
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #15

    Apr 4, 2011, 07:21 AM

    No contact is good-and after a few months I think you'll feel differently about the whole thing.

    Take care and good luck.

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