[scortcho]

I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half now. When we had met, she was in a bad relationship and she cut herself from time to time. This was terrifying to me so I tried to help her as much as I could. I gues she just needed someone to shake her awake, because she soon left the bad relationship and she hasn't felt the urge to harm herself since. We have spent many nights with her crying into my shoulder as she tries to talk about it, it still haunts her all the time. She has told me many times that I was the reason she changed and that I am the reason she's happy. But the other day she got back from a week in Florida where a teacher of hers yelled at her a lot. Then the next day her parents were yelling about something. That night she told me that she feels like she did when she used to cut herself, I tried to tell her that she's stronger than that and that I'm proud of her. She told me she wasn't going to cut. Then this morning she texts me and tells me that she feels like cutting again. I'm very worried about her and I don't want her to fall back into those old ways, I know she will regret it later. Is there anything that I should or should not be doing to keep her from hurting herself anymore? I really need your help right now.

[Jake2008]

It is not a good idea to be held hostage by any threat. That your girlfriend feels the need to cut herself, while I would also take it seriously, I would eventually draw boundaries between what I can do for her, and what she needs to do for herself.

You are not preventing her from harming herself. While she may feel better after talking about these feelings with you, and she averts herself from cutting by doing so, that is a burden, when repeated, that becomes an obligation on your part. She has become dependent upon you, from saving herself, from herself.

I would be inclined to tell her that while you are there for her, she needs professional help in dealing with the emotions that overwhelm her to the point where she feels the only solution is to cut. Offer to take her to a therapist or counselling, and then come and pick her up afterward. You could also tell her that because this keeps repeating itself, you feel the need to tell her parents if it continues without her getting help. She may very well have enough control right now, with relying only on you, but it could very well become a situation that is out of your control and they would need to be aware of what is going on eventually anyway.

In other words, she needs to walk the walk now, and make a commitment to change her thinking and behaviour. At best, while well intentioned by you, it is prolonging the inevitable, and you can only put out so many fires before it becomes impossible for you to contain. And when and if that happens, you will be wishing that you had set some boundaries and expectations earlier.

You need to be strong for her, in order for her to be strong for herself.