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    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #1

    Mar 27, 2011, 09:38 PM
    Hosting a shower - offended the bride
    I offered to have a small shower for a bride who is a generation younger than myself. I had to ask her for a guest list because I'm on the groom's side and do not know her bridal party, friends or family. When I got her list, I realized she'd not included key people who needed to be invited - like the person who owns the house where the party is taking place, the groom's mother, myself and the other hostess, the other hostesses' daughters and so on. When we counted everyone, we were more than double the number of people who we can accommodate for the sit-down brunch we had originally planned. The main reason was that the bride wanted to include men, which doubled the list.

    The other hostess and I did not want to include men. For one thing, we are both divorced and really didn't want to host a "couples shower" where we'd be the only people there without partners. We also cannot seat that many people - we don't have enough tables or chairs, and if we rented them, there would be no place to put them. We cannot rent a facility - we are single parents on limited budgets. We also realized we cannot get enough food all hot at the same time for 50 people in a regular single-oven kitchen. And the other hostess wanted to do games, which we can't do if men are present. Even the menu we chose was more female-oriented... like having champagne punch and mimosas... we figured we'd have to offer beer, and more hearty food with men.

    So I offered to the bride that we could either eliminate men from the list and have the event we promised, or we would include everyone and not attempt a sit-down meal. Instead we would have a variety of hot and cold, hearty and light appetizers, mini sandwiches, small deserts, skip the mixed drinks (because we'd be too busy to mix and serve them) and just serve coffee, pop, water, beer and wine from coolers on the patio. We explained it would not be as formal but would still be elegant with plenty of good food.

    The bride became very offended because I really pushed to eliminate the men. I didn't say so to her, but a party for 50 people is really expensive and the different menu would cost three times what I planned to spend on the brunch. I would be working the entire party to fix all these many dishes instead of the meal I planned, and the place will be a mob scene. Later in the evening, I have to pick my child up at the airport and I'm also worried that the big party will not end on time, whereas a traditional shower is easier to end. When the meal is over and the gifts are opened, people leave.

    I'm wondering if I did anything out of line? I kind of feel like the bride is being kind of entitled and also judgemental of me because she cut the list, but also sent a long involved email which was pretty critical of me, claiming we had a "misunderstanding" (which she clearly blames on me). There's no misunderstanding - I just don't live in a mansion, so can't serve a 50 person sit-down meal in my house.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #2

    Mar 28, 2011, 04:43 AM

    Usually bridal showers are surprise affairs with a theme that the hostess has picked, i.e. personal gifts, fun gifts, etc. Could be you should have made a surprise shower for her therefore eliminating the trauma that she as created unjustly.

    Where did she get the idea that the men were invited to a bridal shower? Usually the groom's attendants assemble something for men only.

    No, as far as I can see, you didn't do anything out of line. I would take her criticism with a grain of salt and forget about it. Don't pursue the issue with her.

    I can see why she didn't include people she didn't know. Why should they be included and supply a gift.

    Has this 'shower' already taken place; or is it still in the future. What I would do is stick to your plans. You are putting out here and offering a very nice get together. Do it your own way, or tell her you are rescinding the offer.

    Tick
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #3

    Mar 28, 2011, 06:44 AM

    A surprise wasn't an option because we're from the groom's family and don't know the bride's family or friends - the groom didn't know half these people, either. Also, the bride has to trade shifts because she works weekends, so she had to know about it.

    The people she did not include on the list are not strangers - they are the groom's family. It's to be held at his grandmother's home, and I am his aunt - another aunt from the other side of his family is cohosting with me, and her adult daughters are helping. None of us were included on the list, nor is my sister - the groom's mother-who is incidentally paying for the wedding. The groom's grandmother wants her sisters invited - there are three of them (groom's great aunts). The bride wants to just invite one and snub the other two.

    What makes me mad is that I offered to either stick with the original plan - a brunch for just women- or have a different kind of party for the co-ed crowd. So she writes me back with a weirdly hacked list still including men but now excluding more of the women, who will surely be offended. I have no clue why she's so insistent on including men but I'm not willing to do this in a way that will offend the women in our family.

    I don't want to say "my way or the highway" but the other host wants to do that. She said we need to just say, "we're sorry your disappointed but we offered to host a women's brunch for you - not an engagement party, and not a party for 50 people. We don't want to include men, and we don't want to exclude women who must be invited if we are the hosts. Further, the men in our families do not want to come - they dread the idea as, like us, they consider showers feminine". I'm afraid to create a whole big blowout but the bride is being kind of a jerk about the whole thing.

    Would I be out of line to just be blunt about it?
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #4

    Mar 28, 2011, 12:12 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by dontknownuthin View Post
    Would I be out of line to just be blunt about it?

    Hi don't, quite frankly, I think you are going to have to be blunt about it unless you want to host an entire engagement party. Do you think the bride doesn't know the difference? Is she perhaps from different ethnic group? I think sometimes Polish/Ukraniane showers would include male and female, but then they would be held in a hall.


    Ms tickle
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #5

    Mar 28, 2011, 01:12 PM

    When you asked her for a list, did you stipulate that it was a women's brunch? Was a limit set as to how many could be included due to what could be accommodated at the home?

    If not, it is unfortunate it was not included. However, you have since mentioned it and she really should be respectful of such. If it had been stated, she was in error to overstep the request and I would simply state again what you are able to do for her.

    Many couples have couple showers these days. Often receiving tools and such along with the nighties and tupperware, but it needs to be determined from the start if that is the sort of shower being hosted... it shouldn't be assumed.

    Is it possible to suggest to someone else that they host a couples shower at another time and what you are planning will be a smaller affair with just close family and friends?
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #6

    Mar 28, 2011, 01:31 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by DoulaLC View Post
    When you asked her for a list, did you stipulate that it was a women's brunch? Was a limit set as to how many could be included due to what could be accommodated at the home?



    Is it possible to suggest to someone else that they host a couples shower at another time and what you are planning will be a smaller affair with just close family and friends?
    OP stated that it would be a 'small shower'. This usually means a private affair with women only who are close to the bride. At least that is the way it always has been unless my etiquette lessons are rusty.

    This procedure is usually respected as it is offered; I think the bride is out of line assuming it is going to be an 'engagement party'. I don't know how she could have misunderstood unless the message was translated to her as such.

    I don't think the OP is responsible for suggesting anything else at the moment, other then, just saying, sorry, I meant '... a small shower'...

    Ms tickle
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    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #7

    Mar 28, 2011, 03:23 PM

    She understood it was to be a women's brunch for under 30 people and that we had 9 spots accounted for with family members of the groom. She just has been to a couples shower and liked it better, so wanted that instead. I didn't like that she was demanding what I should host and acted like I was too dim to understand what she wanted when I kept bringing up that we should not include the men.

    I don't have an understanding for demanding brides - when I married, I was very grateful for everything people did for me, and I really appreciated that each of four showers others held for me were stamped with the personalities and tastes of the hostesses rather than it being like I threw a party for myself and asked other people to pay for it. I don't get this new "princess bride" syndrome where family and friends are to be abused for a year leading up to the wedding... what fun is it to have the whole family upset?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #8

    Mar 28, 2011, 03:37 PM

    I completely agree with you dontknow.

    This bride is pushy, and controlling, and frankly, if it was me, I'd rescind the offer and tell her to get someone else, someone from her side of the family, to host this outlandish party she wants.

    You are the hostess. You are opening your home and your wallet to do this for her. If she can't be appreciative of that, I'd nix the whole thing.

    At this point I'd be very blunt with her. I'd even do a bit of the guilt trip. I'd sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that you will stick to the original plan of a small sit down luncheon for 30 women. I would also tell her that any more then that is way out of your budget, and way above the capacity of the home in which the party is being held, and you cannot and will not put yourself out any more then you already have.

    I can't believe some people. When I got married I was so appreciative of anything anyone did for me. Heck, one friend loaned me her cell phone for the day so we could stay connected because we were out running errands for the wedding. I took her out to dinner and bought her a gift along with paying for her cell phone bill for that entire month.

    This young bride needs a swift kick in the arse and a big gulp of reality.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #9

    Mar 28, 2011, 07:24 PM

    Since it was clear from the start what you had planned, and she had a set number provided for how many would be able to attend, she most certainly overstepped the line.

    I would explain to her that apparently there was indeed a misunderstanding... but that it was on her part. Let her know that you assumed she would understand that when you said it was a women's brunch, for under 30 people, that that was exactly what was planned. You simply will not be able to accommodate anything different.

    Traditionally it is the maid, or matron, of honor who hosts a shower. She should be appreciative that you have considered hosting one for her in the first place.

    I agree with what has been said... you could suggest that if perhaps she would not be happy with what you had planned, then she is free to ask her maid of honor to step up and plan something.

    What an unfortunate situation... certainly puts a sour note on the whole affair.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #10

    Mar 28, 2011, 07:30 PM

    At this point I would cancel the party all together since nothing will work now.

    But really, instead of asking her, one would have contracted a close family member on her side and still did it as more of a surprise
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #11

    Mar 29, 2011, 07:29 AM

    Surprise not an option since bride has to ask employer for a day off work - and actually, I had four showers and none were a surprise. Some are but many, I'd even say most showers, are not done as a surprise.

    We worked it out though - I told the bride I had to limit the offer to the original party I had planned, and she came back to earth and though I know she's not happy, she's pretending to be fine with it. I think when the party happens, she'll see how nice it is and come around and if not, she's being silly and I'm not going to worry about it. Thanks for all the feedback...
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #12

    Mar 29, 2011, 09:16 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by dontknownuthin View Post
    Surprise not an option since bride has to ask employer for a day off of work - and actually, I had four showers and none were a surprise. Some are but many, I'd even say most showers, are not done as a surprise.
    ..
    Boy, you really set up road blocks. Showers are on weekends, or in the evening when no one works. And 95 per cent of the showers I ever went to, including my own, were a surprise and pleasant ones at that !

    Enough said, you got it settled, good.

    Tick
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    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #13

    Mar 29, 2011, 02:23 PM

    I have to say, I had 4 showers and not one was a surprise. I've hosted 3 showers and none were a surprise. I've never been to a surprise shower, and I've been to many.

    I don't know why so many of you think that surprise showers are the norm.

    Dontknow, I'm glad you have it all worked out. I hope it goes well. :)
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #14

    Mar 29, 2011, 02:25 PM

    Thanks for the feedback and no intention to "road block" suggestions - just not a situation where we could plan without her getting off work, unfortunately. She is a second shift nurse during the week, and took a second job as a live-in caretaker at a group home on weekends to help pay for the wedding. She is a very nice girl and works very hard - she just got temporarily bridezilla on me!
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #15

    Mar 29, 2011, 02:30 PM

    Glad to hear it has been resolved. No doubt, as you said, she will have a wonderful time and be very appreciative. Perhaps the stress and excitement caused her a momentary lapse of good manners... :)
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #16

    Mar 29, 2011, 04:11 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Altenweg View Post

    I don't know why so many of you think that surprise showers are the norm.
    :)
    I am not saying it is the norm. I was married the first time in the late sixties, so that is far away from you alty. There were different ways of etiquette then but in my small town, etiquette still applies as surprise showers, and its nice, there is a theme for them. Some are very intimate apparel for the bride to be, some are luxurious bedding, etc. So I don't think we have migrated so far from etiquette as it should be and I think the brides to be appreciate that too.
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    #17

    Apr 6, 2011, 02:11 PM

    Thank you all for your insight. When I wrote the bride and told her that we needed to go back to what was originally offered and the reasons, and apologized that I could not accommodate what she dreamed of, she came around. She may yet be disappointed but she has acted very appreciative since then and we've been able to move forward. The other hostess and I will make it a very nice party and I think in the end, she'll see that it is very nice.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #18

    Apr 6, 2011, 03:03 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by dontknownuthin View Post
    Thank you all for your insight. When I wrote the bride and told her that we needed to go back to what was originally offered and the reasons, and apologized that I could not accomodate what she dreamed of, she came around. She may yet be disappointed but she has acted very appreciative since then and we've been able to move forward. The other hostess and I will make it a very nice party and I think in the end, she'll see that it is very nice.
    Yes, well we should all learn not to look a gift horse in the mouth. At least that is the old saying I learned to follow, and if you really look into that saying, you learn a ton of life lessons.

    Tick

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