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nmsheridan · Mar 27, 2011, 06:13 AM

I have been married for 7 years to a very wonderful, complex, and self involved person. Those are the adjectives that describe him best. We have not had any children, but we are talking about it. What concerns me is that I have had gay websites show up on my computer. When I originally asked my husband about it, he said it wasn't him. I didn't believe him and told him so, but he kept denying it. I understand that people are bi-sexual, but if that was it then why would he hide it? I let it go for the time being. Well, just recently, I have found out that my husband have been on a website where gay men are webcam chatting. I went to the website to see what it was all about and it is basically men pleasuring themselves while the other person does the same. I feel this is cheating. I haven't told my husband about it yet because I am trying to digest it first. I am appalled by it. It really turns me off and is making me think differently about him. So I guess I have two questions: is my husband gay and what should I do about it?

cdad · Mar 27, 2011, 06:19 AM

For one thing you could force the issue to the forefront by activating "content advisor" on your browser or computer and when he can't go there he has to ask why. But in reality you first have to decide what this is all about and figure out what the desired outcome is that your wanting. Is this a divorce issue ?
Or can things be salvaged via counsling? Its your choices to make.

Jake2008 · Mar 27, 2011, 06:22 AM

It sounds like this wonderful husband of yours has a secret life, that includes, but is probably not limited to, gay websites and chats with gay men. Masterbating via webcam with other men is something he chooses to do.

If you were considering marrying him now, with the knowledge you have, would you? If he did come out and tell you he was bi, would you marry him?

That you are married to him, and have discovered his sexuality and needs are being met by men, it is time to get the cards on the table, and take a good long mutual look at your marriage, your relationship, and how you can or cannot, live with what he has done.

I hope for his sake that eventually, if he prefers men, he will find peace and happiiness at not having to pretend to be hetero.

And I hope for your sake that you don't rationalize this away and choose to remain married, ignore these red flags, and have babies with him.

Just my opinion, but I don't see room to question what you know- now is the time for answers.

talaniman · Mar 27, 2011, 12:31 PM

That a helluva shock after 7 years. If no one else has access to your computer but the two of you, then present your evidence, and get your answers.

I can't see making any plans without answers to your questions. Quite the opposite in my book.

shyladym · May 16, 2011, 07:53 AM

Just ask him. And are u sure that no one else has been using your computer?

mulattomama · May 19, 2011, 10:50 AM

It sounds like it's a problem you'll need to confront him with. I agree with Jake2008 in that you need to look at your relationship and decide what you would want or feel should he be bisexual. Can you accept that? He's hiding it because he's probably afraid he's going to lose you and your future by letting it out, but on the other side, the fact that he's doing this on a computer that is not for his access exclusively says that maybe he wants to be caught so it can finally come out in the open. Perhaps try approaching him with openness - and not the anger or hurt that you may feel - so that he will feel more comfortable to admit what's really going on.

Good luck!