[loopa]

My fiancé and I have been together for approximately four years. Up until a few days ago I was still happily planning our wedding which was supposed to take place in January.
A little bit of background:
My flat consists of my fiancé, my sister, my brother and I. We will call my fiancé D. D and I have separate rooms because we have a no sex before marriage rule.
So D works 30hrs a week and studies full time and I work approximately 20hrs a week and study full time also, he works night shift while I work during the day between my breaks. We have not had much time to spend together and sometimes I go to his work and work for him when he has assignments or just to hang out with him.
So I have been really tired lately, because we are saving up for the wedding and we barely see each other and D and I have been fighting a lot lately... I told me a few weeks ago that I make him miserable when I fight with him, it was quite afwul to hear but I apologized and we talked it over and I was working on not taking my frustrations out on him.
Just after that I noticed he would ditch me on his breaks at home to talk to my sister... and he was much happier to see her and would avoid me and just stopped being affectionate. I asked him about it, he said he was tired and sorry and then "tried" to be nicer.
So a week I asked him if he liked my sister, he responded with a "no". I said phew OK I thought that was silly...
He has been having other problems, an Aunty is dying, he hates his job... so last night we were talking online while he was at work and I encouraged him to be honest and to talk to me about his problems. Long story short he admitted he liked my sister because she wanted the same things as him out of life and that she was just so easy going etc. She has no idea, I have been avoiding her out of sheer embarrassment.
I have no idea how I will forgive him, I think the only thing that stops him from telling her is the fact that she would never do that to me and would just be completely digusting that he sees her as anything but his "sister". We have opted to seek counselling but I am just so traumatized and I can't stop crying... I feel so inadaquate. Should we even bother with counselling or should we just scrap the four years, because I feel like that's what he has done by letting himself have feelings for someone else.

[martinizing2]

I believe that as sad as it is, something like this you may not be able to forgive and forget.
Unless it is to forgive him and forget about him altogether.
This could go from tropical storm to hurricane at the drop of a hat.

[talaniman]

I think its you who are frustrating yourself by bringing up his feelings for your sister. So far it seems that he is staying within the boundaries of good behavior given the living arrangements, and its you who are pushing the boundaries.

Be real, he is supposed to like his sister in law, and relate on some level with her, and he is human, he will always have feelings for others, even some passing and intense ones. Who wouldn't? But as long as his behavior doesn't cross the line, then you better back up, and find a healthier way of dealing with your own frustrations, and stop driving him away.

Now unless you have facts to go with those feelings, cut the guy some slack, or the disaster will be of your own making.

[dincher]

Not sure how Talaniman can post such a response. I completely disagree. If the OP felt something between the fiancée and the sister, then it is because she has an impression (or intuition) that her fiancée feels something for her sister. These feelings should absolutely NEVER be avoided - and I'm not one who would use the words, "never" or "always" frequently because I do believe that there are always exceptions.

But the truth of the matter is that if someone notices these kinds of things, they should be brought up. What is she supposed to do? Hide her feelings and not communicate, and live with it? I don't think so.

I had an "intuition" that my husband liked a girl from work, and I ignored bringing it up because I thought it was all in my mind. I said to myself, "How can someone as young as my husband like a woman in her mid forties?". Well, lo and behold, months later, my husband left me for the woman. Not to say that bringing it up would have changed things, (we are divorced now), but the point is that as long as there is still time for the OP to prevent herself from marrying this person, she should pay attention to her impressions, and take action.

[loopa]

I thought something strange was going on, so I asked. Awhile later he confessed. He has stayed within the boundaries. He is respectful in that manner. He is not a bad person. I don't entertain feelings for other people, I don't think its right to sit there and think about someone else and fantasize about them when you are in a relationship. I don't think relationships are like fairy tales but I don't think that thinking about other people is the answer.

I want them to get along also, I just didn't expect him to imagine his life with her would be better than his life with me. He thinks she is more suited to him, the things they want in life etc.

[redhed35]

Liking someone and getting on with someone does not mean there is sexual attraction or intention to do anything about it.

He admitted he liked her, I assume he likes other people too.

By him telling you he liked your sister has shaken your confidence,find ways to spend more time together to get back on track and reconnect.


Can you clarify what your boyfriend expressed?

Did he say he sees a future with her? That he had feelings for her, or just that he liked her,that they got on well and he enjoyed her company.

It makes a big difference to the responses you will receive.

[talaniman]

Don't you see a problem trying to control someone else's fantasies, thoughts, and feelings, and NOT your own?

Your fears have lead you down this dead end street, and every word has you suspicious, and mistrustful. How is that good for the relationship? Stop and think where you are pushing him. Any guy would have thoughts of other females, when their female keeps pushing him away with leading questions, and she gets so carried away by her own feelings, she doesn't even understand what he is telling her, and he won't understand why she is even worried about something so bizarre.

That's where your insecurities and frustrations lead you. Stop it. Stop it now and deal with the reasons you are frustrated ( I suspect a lack of control), and stop taking it out on your man. Geez, sisters in laws are very easy to turn to when you act wacky, and frustrate us, I mean where else's would we turn for help when we can't understand how our partners brain works?

Accept he is yours, you can't control him, and he is a great guy, and stop this pointless inquisition.

Ask me how I know.