[DaniCalifornia]

Hello. I'm a woman, 19. I recently came out of an abusive relationship. He'd always shout and swear at me, often calling me a "Stupid c***" when I try to prove him wrong on things. He began finding it funny to hit me. Eventually it turned too violent. I'm in love with a monster. He'd hit me often. Daily. He didn't realise. After I'd tell him it's too hard, he'd laugh. The last straw was when he was on the laptop, which is all he ever does - he doesn't even have a job or anything at 23 - and his phone too. I wanted to hug him. Without warning, he turned and punched me in the head, which knocked me back.

I was terrified. I decided to text my dad, who I hadn't spoken to in a long time. He called the police who arrested him.

He was let out, but now I have no contact with him whatsoever. The strong reality side of me knows I did the right thing to go, but I'm so upset still. We lived together, I felt like I needed him. It's so painful to know that he's not missing me, and upset about what he lost.

He lives at the other side of the country (England) so can't get to me. But I can't seem to get over him. It's making me feel sick. I'm getting out with friends, re-aqquainting myself with family, but it doesn't seem to be helping. And I'm weakening. I'm aware time heals, but I can't do it. I'm not suicidal, but I do wonder what the point is now. I have nothing. My father, the most important person to me in the whole world, has cancer. He's had operations but it keeps coming back. He's said it's back again, and he's not having any more operations. He says it's meant to be.


If you find the time, please reply. I need help. I can't bear this.

[adviceishere]

You say you can't do it but you CAN! Your already in the process of doing it, your doing all the right things and sadly its going to take time but your half way there already :) you've cut him out of your life, your getting to know your family and friends again and your out meeting new people, well done to you!

Keep telling yourself your half way there, all that's left to do is heal and you must allow yourself time to do this.

Very sorry to hear about your father but he sounds like a very positive and brave man to accept his fate, you can learn a lot from him, spend as much time with him possible and build lots of beautiful memories with him now and they will certainly over shadow the bad :) well done again for getting out of this relationship. :)

[Jake2008]

Have you ever heard the expression, "sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't" (or something like that.)

While you were with your abusive boyfriend, he damaged far more than 'only' hitting you and leaving bruises. He damaged the whole person. Yourself esteem, your confidence, your freedom of thought, your ability to defend yourself, and any other 'natural' reactions you would otherwise have had with conflict, with a person who was not abusive.

It takes time to 'break' a person because in the beginning, as you said, it was gradual, and most likely he was quite apologetic, and more likely, he was quite a different person when he wasn't in an abusive 'mode'. It is hard to reconcile the person who really presents himself as two different personalities in the same body sometimes.

It is understandable that, when faced with the not so obvious (at first) we all tend to adapt, adjust and accept what seems like a blip in an otherwise loving person. As time goes on with an abuser, signs begin to show more openly and clearly. I think you would agree when I say that you would know from the expression on his face when he came home, what the following few hours would result in. So, you tried harder to appease, and amend and have some control over the increasingly predictable behaviour by giving more, putting out little fires before they happen, do everything you can think of to dissipate his anger.

And more time goes by, and there is no change, no matter what you do, and no matter how hard you try to 'turn him around' when you know, by experience, that in the pit of your stomach you feel fear, mixed emotions, and eventually, survival instincts. You are out of options, nothing works. You are completely and totally subject to someone who has taken your soul, your freedom, and your liberty, away from you. It is unnatural, and contrary to human nature to be 'contained' and controlled in this way.

And you are left where you are now, still thinking in familiar patterns, because you are looking for ways to not only understand what happened, and your father did the right thing by the way, but how to accept what happened, and the false belief that goes along with that, that it will never happen again. The worst is over.

I can guarantee you, if you don't get this straight in your head that you need to sever ties completely with this man, you will be in for more of the same, and worse, because time and compliance will make it that way. It will continue to get to a point where you end up in hospital, or dead.

This is no longer about him. We know he is an abuser. We know he isn't going to change. This is now about YOU.

It is not easy to separate and correct thinking and impressions when you love someone. You are going through the same emotions of the end of a relationship, that those in non-abusive relationshps go through. It is both a healing, and a learning period. It is a necessary transition, so that you gain insight into why the relationship didn't work, in order to move on to a healthier one down the road. If you don't learn now, you will find yourself likely with the same type of man, because that is what you know.

Please check out counselling for yourself. It is so helpful in setting your thinking straight, and guiding you to see and understand what is out of whack, what needs to be worked on, and helpful in getting through and past this relationship, and into a healthier future.

When the obvious isn't enough, at least try to recognize that it is far more likely than not, that you need help understanding what you are going through, face to face, with a therapist.

p.s. meant also to say I am sorry your father is facing cancer. In this regard too, counselling will help.

[DaniCalifornia]

Thank you so much. You described what I'm going through EXACTLY. That's just how I feel, and how the relationship was. Thank you so much for your help. X

[DaniCalifornia]

Thank you tons honey. I really appreciate your help. X

[Jake2008]

Dani, it never fails to break my heart when I see good women, going through what you are going through.

There is nothing more satisfying than seeing a woman such as yourself, learning to gain her freedom back.

I hope you will keep us posted as things go on.

[adviceishere]

Yes please do keep us posted, when you progress and heal you will be an inspiration to millions of women in this very situation, :)

[amicon]

Dani,healing from an abusive relationship takes time,and counselling is an excellent idea.
You're in England?
Try your nearest Relate.

There are also Women's Aid groups where you could talk to women who have survived abuse and who are willing to share their experiences.

I'm assuming your abusing waste of space wasn't charged,more's the pity!

The feelings of love you still have will go away,I hope,when you realise that he was all about power and not at all a loving man.

So sorry about your dad,but I'm wishing you a happy new life at the ene of the tunnel.

[DaniCalifornia]

I really hope that when I do get over this, I can inspire others to do so. I'm doing some writing about it, hoping I can somehow get my whole story out to others.

[DaniCalifornia]

He wasn't. He was released with a warning. I didn't want to go to court or see him, I just wanted to get away, so didn't protest the warning. Thank you very much. Xx

[talaniman]

I think its time to be close to your dad, as you heal from the boyfriend. For sure it's a lot to deal with for now, but kudos for getting away from him.

[DaniCalifornia]

Thank you for your input!

I have a slight issue with the father. He has an ex girlfriend (difficult to explain!) that can't stand him being with me. She does all she can to get him away from me. I rarely get to go out anywhere with my dad, mainly . Usually, I'd simply go downstairs and watch him play his game, which would take my mind off things. But I can't do so. She purposely spreads herself out on the chair so I can't join in. You'd think to ask, but she's incredibly rude. Wouldn't move.

She;s a whole other story. I may need to post another question sometime about her. It's like a 40 year old school bully! Jobless and worthless.

[talaniman]

Yeah, that added aggravation would make things more difficult, and some very creative adjustments have to be explored, but you can't worry about everything now can you? Focus on what you can control, and let the rest go.

I know, that's not any easy thing either.