[s2tp]

Hello, I am not sure if this is where this question should be, but if not I am sure the moderators will adjust it for me:)

My plan is:

I am planning on looking for my biological father. I have never seen him, and it's a possibility he doesn't know I exist. My mom says he does, but her story has gaps that lead me to believe he may not have been informed like she says.

I have looked his name and age up on a preliminary search site, and I got results for 2 guys that could match up. Now if I get a hold of these guys and ask questions but they don't want to answer them or whatever... is there a way for me to request a DNA test to prove they are not my father?

I just want to know who/where he is and give him a chance to be in my life. Not that I want to force him to... but I just feel like I have the right to know who my dad is, even if he doesn't want anything to do with me.

My question is:

If/when I find him and make contact, what if he denies me being his daughter is there a way to get a DNA/Paternity test? I know I could ask him to, but what if they deny it, or basically tell me to go away? Is there a way to go to court and force one?

I know I am ahead of myself thinking this way, but I can't help but think of the different ways this could all play out. I just want to know what my options are if I just get hung up on..

Thank you to anyone and everyone who read and responds, I appreciate your time.

[ScottGem]

First, I would suggest you do NOT try to contact either of these people directly. While I understand your desire, he has made a decision to not participate in your life. He has the right to make that decision and I do not believe you have the right to interfere with it.

What I suggest is that you go through a third party. A clergyman or attorney or the like. Let them contact him and gauge his desire to contact you.

You also do not have the right to force a paternity test either.

What you do have a right to is a medical history. The third party can get that info.

[Fr_Chuck]

Assuming you are over 18 and a adult.

First it is possible the other person does not know, and will not answer your questions over the phone, If someone you did not know, called you and started asking questions about your past, how soon do you hang up.

Next if they do know it is highly possible, esp with men that they do not want any contract and will even lie that they are not the person.

So you have a hard time ahead of you, since the person may not know and if he does, he may well lie.
And as noted you have no ability to force them into a DNA test to even prove it.

I do suggest a third party to contact them not for their privacy and for protection of both parties. If he is, they may tell them and some info and if they don't want any contract they can be clear about that.

Now again, he may have never known and think it is great to have a child and be glad to see you, we don't know, you don't know.

[excon]

Hello s2:

All I know is, if I had a beautiful girl show up on my doorstep and claim she was my daughter, I'd be in heaven.

Now, it's true, he might not be, but that's HIS loss. I think a third party IS a good idea.

excon

PS> In fairness, I find that I must disclose the following: If ANY beautiful girl showed up on my doorstep, I'd be in heaven...

[Allheart]

Hi S2tp:

I hope I do not upset anyone for responding on a forum that I have zero knowledge of. So please forgive me, I do not mean any disrespect.

But I did want to share some comments with S2tp.

First, I think you have a right to know your Father and if perhaps he doesn't know about you, he also has a right to know.

I do think you are taking on worries that may or may not ever happen. I always say to hubby, don't invite a worry, until it happens. Of course, you want to be prepared for whatever possible reaction you may have to face, but there could be a number of them.

First things first. One step at a time. This must be such an emotional issue for you, so just go slowly with it. I do like having a clergy or a third party person you can trust, to be with you when these individuals are contacted. But somehow, If it were me, I would need to be present. I would have to hear for myself the reaction. I think I would just want to hear for myself what was said.

So my advice would be, one step at a time, handle the outcomes as they happen. Oh and like excon was saying, you are beautiful on the inside and out, any man would be proud of the fine young lady you are today. Keep that in mind.

[s2tp]

Scott, Chuck and Excon,

Thank you all for your input. I had not actually thought about a 3rd party to make the contact... thats a good idea. I will look more into that.

Scott, I understand he has his rights too... and has not, to my knowledge, attempted to seek me out. I am not trying to be IN his life, and I definitely do not want to disrupt him and any family he may have... I just want to know who is 'that other half' of me. If he doesn't want anything to do with me, I am fine with that... but I am just afraid of being told no you are not my daughter... and never knowing for sure, continuing to search but always finding a dead end... you know? I just want to know for certain. I don't need a father figure, and if I do find him he will never fill in as a dad, I would never call him by dad... I have someone wonderful who already fills those shoes.

That's also a good idea for the medical background... I know there are some things on my mothers side that I need to watch out for, it would be good to know what else to be aware of from my fathers side.

I am glad I asked here... I was about to pay for the advanced search and get phone numbers to call... but instead I am going to see about getting that 3rd party. You say an attorney could help me? They probably have special ones just for situations like this right? I hope its not too expensive...

Thank you again gentlemen... Scott for being straight up, Chuck for the different point of view, and Excon for the compliment.. lol.

[s2tp]

Thank You Allheart:)

I appreciate the encouragement very much. I know this should be a pretty emotional thing, but since finding out when I was 12, I have gone through many emotions trying to figure out how things would play out if I do find him... and well Ive become kind of numb to it now. I have realized he will never be anything more than a man my mom had relations with a long time ago... I think I actually expect him to deny me now that I am thinking about it... I don't know what I would do if all of a sudden he loves me and wants to know me.. that would probably freak me out... lol. Ok not freak me out, but that's not the response I expect.

I think I am actually getting excited with the thought of him wanting to get to know me... I suppose it's a possibility, but I am prepared for the worst. Ideally I would like to have more siblings... my only known half brother died 3 years ago. I have thought about contacting his half brothers too, I know they loved him - maybe they would like a connection to him.

Well Ive got some more thinking to do. Thank you everyone for your responses.

[Fr_Chuck]

The more info you have about him the better your searching can be, If you wish to provide any data you have, I would be glad to see if my searches provide any more data, other names, or a better idea of who it may be.

Past states they lived in, name, @ age, and the such.
And it may be very possible, you mom knows more than she is telling you, for her own reasons

As a person who was adopted I found out latter my adoptive parents knew all the time who the birth parents were since it was all listed on the adoption paper work they signed, and that the adoptive parents received a copy of that paperwork at the time of adoption. ( this I sure is not always the case in all areas but was how the courts were done at the place and time of my adoption)

[s2tp]

Chuck,

My mom has told me the story 2 times, and its been a while for both of us, so I am sure some of the facts are misconstrued. She has told me his name and the last city he lived in- though right now I can't recall the city name. I do know its in Michigan, and her ex husband was in Flint, so it was near there. His name is Daniel Gordon and he's about 44-46 years old. Apparently he got married to the girl he left my mom for, and they have a son named michael. My mom told me where he worked when she left, but I don't remember that either. I just asked my mom to re-tell me the story, it will be a few days before I get a response.

That's basically all I know fact-wise about him. I used People Search & Background Check and came up with some potentials I want to look into.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes that site does fairly well, I do wish you luck.

[Allheart]

S2tp,

I think this is a great thing you are doing for yourself. It is something you have wanted to do, so just let your heart be your guide.

Wish there was something I could do to help. The one thing I will tell you, is my feet are planted firmly right here, and that is where I will be if ever you want an ear to listen. K?

[J_9]

Although adoption is different, I would like to share the story of my sister-in-law and finding her birth mother.

Sue knew that she was adpoted all her life. It wasn't until the past few years she wanted to find her birth mother. Like you she was excited at the prospect of "seeing who she came from." Like you she was ready for possible disappointment if the woman did not want her in her life.

However, when the time came, and they met through e-mail (Sue is here in the U.S. her birth mother is in Germany), Sue was shocked at what she was told. Although she was ready for possible disappointment, this was not what she expected. She was told that she was a product of an affair with a military man, Sue was a mistake and it was a time in the life that the woman would prefer to forget.

Yes, Sue used a third, fourth, and fifth party to help find her birth mother, but what she was told was shocking and hurtful. Sue found out that she has 2 other sisters, one of whom wants nothing to do with her, and she has talked to the other on 2 occasions.

I just wanted to share this so that you know and understand that sometimes the disappointment can be MUCH more than you think it will. There is no way to properly prepare yourself for this because you do not know how your sperm donor will react.

So, please understand that you may be biting off more than you can chew.

That time in his life may be a time that he does not want to be reminded of. Please think long and hard about this.

[Allheart]

Hi J_9,

Wow I guess the possibilites are unending. Does Sue regret finding all of this out. Does she feel she would have been better off not to know?

All sounds very sad.

[s2tp]

Thank you J_9,

I am sorry your sister had to hear such harsh things... I wish life wasn't so difficult sometimes.
Thank you also for the advice!

I have actually been thinking about this off and on for 12 years... I would do a white pages search here or there or some of these other search engines, and no matter how many matches I got I just never had the desire to go through with it. I figured I would either eventually grow out of it and forget it, or one day become dedicated and figure it all out once and for all.

Today is the first day that I actually feel proactive and feel like if any time is good, now is it... I am not sure why. Either way, I can't think of anything that could hurt me by finding him. Sure there are some hurtful and mean things he or his family could say to me or about my mom... but honestly I feel secure enough that whatever they have to say, they don't know me... My mom had her mistakes, but I know majority of them,and by far I know her worst... she has redeemed herself for all, so he could never say anything that would get to me in a personal way. I already have my defenses up for any negative responses.

A part of me even kind of just wants him to not want anything to do with me cause that makes things easier.. ok that's who you are, great, didn't need you anyway, bye... no more wondering.

But if he wants to actually get to know me, and meet me... thats more complicated and will be a more emotional struggle to figure out how I will let him into my life...

You know every time I have fantasized about meeting him, I picture myself walking up to his door and just having all the confidence in the world. Knowing I am a grown, successful woman with a great loving family. So he opens the door and 1 of 4 things happen... He is either angry that I have even attempted to find him, he is confused and never knew I existed but doesn't know how to move forward with it all, He knew about me, but he has his own family and doesn't want to jeapordize it by trying to talk or keep in touch with me, or 4.. which is my biggest fear... that someone else opens the door and they tell me he is dead...

That's the worst thing, is to never get the chance to know what his reaction will be to know about me... and see me. I want him to at least have that, I want to give him the chance to know he has a daughter that wouldn't mind talking to him, but doesn't want anything from him... I want to know what his reaction will be, whether its positive or negative...

I could easily go on living my life never knowing... but why not try? In my eyes, nothing too bad will come of it. Not if I use the 3rd party and do it discreetly... so if he has family that will be upset then they won't have to know if he doesn't tell them... I hope it can work like that... I don't want to cause distress in his life by any means. He may have left my mother, and he may have known she was pregnant... he may know about me and not want to see me.. if that is the case, so be it... His loss in the end.

Ok Ok its bedtime for me here. Thank you again everyone! I am really happy there is a community I can come to and dump all my issues on.. haha Just playing. But really I am happy I have somewhere to express some questions I need advice and feedback on.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes and this is all I ever want people to understand, too often we get those people who say they have this idea and dream of finding out who they are, or want to find a "real"mom or dad.

I will be honest after 20 years of looking I never found my mom but that was OK, I found my dad when I was about 18 but never meet him ( my choice) I talk with a 1/2 brother I have from time to time and that is OK, but we each have our own adopted parents who to us are our real parents.

But finding is not a bad thing, but it just needs to be done with a good understanding of what can happen, it may be great it does happen, I have a wonderful aunt ( my birth dads sister) who even sent me wedding photos of my bio mom and dad and some nice info about them.

It was even a little scary when I found our my bio dad and I did the same carrer for the first 15 years of our life ( we were both industrial engineers)
And that we were both in a work place accident that hurt our lungs.

My bio dad was a dog in his early years and was married many times, but his last wife and him raised 3 wonderful girls and he settled down and before he passed was a wonderful family man, but guess what I was a part of his life, he new wife and family did not want around, I was a part of his life they wanted to forget about.

[J_9]

Hi J_9,

Wow I guess the possibilites are unending. Does Sue regret finding all of this out. Does she feel she would have been better off not to know?

All sounds very sad.

No, she does not regret finding this out. She does not regret it one bit. She has made new friends throughout this process, so she feels that even though her "mother" wanted nothing to do with her, she has made some new lifelong friendships.

Now, on the other hand, a good story...

My mother's cousin gave up a child long long ago. No one in the family knew that she was ever pregnant. Well, she and the daughter she gave up for adoption found each other about 6 years ago. They have reunited and have become just like mother and daughter. Now, the daughter understands that the people who adopted her are her parents, and she will never believe otherwise. The two of them now have a very close and loving relationship.

So, it does go to show that anything can happen.

Good luck, girl, I hope you get all that you want.

[KMSRyana]

One other thing that may help you determine the pontentials if you are determined to find your real father... If your mom was married to your real father, their marriage will be a matter of public record. If you can find out the approximate date and the where, it will be listed in the public records. It will would be helpful, because it would give you his complete first, middle, and last name, as well as birthdate. That information will make your search easier. Of course, that all hinges on if your mother was married to him. If not, your birth certificate may have his information listed on it. Just thoughts, if they help you at all.

And as posted many times above... I'd DEFINITELY recommend a third party do the contacting and feeling him out before you go to any other means.

[s2tp]

KMS,

Yeah that would make it easier, but not feasible.. lol. She was not married to him. She was actually still marrid to her ex husband. They were separated and divorcing when she was with Daniel. When I was born she was still 'legally' married to jim, her first husband, so his name is on my birth certificate... Grr.
If my bio father does end up being a decent guy I want to have my birth certificate changed to have him as my father. As it stands I hate having my moms ex as my bio dad... hes not worthy to be my dad.. not even on paper..

[KMSRyana]

I'm sorry. Was just trying to reach for ideas that might make it easier for you. :(

[s2tp]

KMS

I am sorry I didn't mean to make that a negative response towards you! I appreciate you trying to help... I was in a rush to leave and didn't take the time to think of how it sounded... so sorry I came off that way..!