[huno]

Hi everyone, I'm going to try and not make this a rambling post, lol...

Recently I was seeing someone for 2 months and things were amazing: great conversations, always laughing/having a good time, and we were very passionate together. I felt lucky to be dating her but I also felt we were a match: both professionals, have similar upbringings, the conversations were great and she said I was attractive.

Then she slowly stopped answering my phone calls/texts, and finally a couple of weeks ago she sent me an email saying she had a great time with me but her ex came calling and she has feelings for him, and that I couldn't see her anymore.

It made me feel really insecure, like I wasn't good enough to keep her attention despite how amazing our dates were and how compatible we seemed. Whenever I talk about this sort of thing with friends I always get the same bullet-point list: I'm educated, fit, have a great job and a great personality so it was about her, not me.

So I hear all these positives and yet I'm still single (been single for over a year). I've tried online dating but I really don't get many responses back (I'm not sending copy-paste messages, I read their profile and if I like something about them, I'll comment on it).

Both these things make me wonder if it's my looks, because I know online dating is really all about that. I've been called handsome, good-looking, etc. by friends (male and female) and girls I've dated, but I feel like it's just them being nice.

How can I know if my looks are a problem? Better yet, how can I know what the heck I'm doing wrong?

(do people still go to hotornot? Lol)

[redhed35]

You are able to find several positives about yourself, but they lack the confidence to back them up, there is an air of needyness in your post.

Knowing that you can bring a lot to the table and believing you can bring a lot to the table are very different.

If you were to take away the good job, the fit body the good looks would you have any confidence left?

When your in the mindset of trying to find someone or trying to make a connection it usually comes off as needy, unless your very charmastic or Bill Clinton!

My advice, stop looking and start enjoying your life, find the things that make you happy without a relationship to support it.

Happy confident men are attractive to happy confident women, anything less that that won't even make your rader.

As for the girl, she was just not that into you, no harm done.

[Wondergirl]

If I would look into your eyes, what would I see?

[Fr_Chuck]

No one is secretly ugly, either you are or you are not.

But no, online dating is not really about looks, not if done well, if you are merely picking and emailing people based on looks, I guess it is, but if you are picking and chatting with people because of their profile, then looks has little to do with it.

Next if it was looks, they would not have done a second date

Dating is a thing of numbers, where you also talking and dating several other people at that time ? And then chose this one and stopped dating others

[Enigma1999]

How do you know you weren't a rebound for her?

This may have nothing at all to do with you. It sounds (to me) that she has always had feelings for her ex and that you happeed to show up at the right time. Now he is back I the picture, so she wants to be with him.

She wanted him all along. She could have been dating anyone, and I'm pretty sure the out come would have been the same.

So what... You have been single for a year... big deal.

Your time WILL come when you do meet the right person.

Believe your friends when they tell you the good qualities that you have. Most importantly, have confidence in yourself that you possess these great qualities.

I have been there too. I have been single for long periods and start to wonder if, how come, when, and why am I single.. Truth of the matter is that it's not my time... I also learned that I don't need a man to validate me. Just like you don't need a woman or people to validate you.

You are who you are, and I'm pretty sure you're not "secretly ugly". These things just happen.

People break up all of the time for many reasons, some of which really don't have to do with the other person.

I'm sure she ad a great time with you, and I'm sure she thought you were attractive (after all she WAS dating you) you just weren't him...

That's obviously who her heart belonged too.

You will find the person as I said before.

As Red mentioned, confidence cofindence.

It's a very sexy thing.

I hope this helps.

Good Luck.

[Cat1864]

huno, I can tell you that I chose my husband not because of his looks but because of his personality (though to me he is the most handsome man in the Universe. I don't expect others to agree. Each person has his/her own ideals.) We are almost complete opposites but we compliment each other.

Are you looking for people who are like you and over-looking those who are different but might actually be a better choice?

This last woman told you the truth. She is still hung up on her ex. That isn't you. That is a person who hasn't healed and moved on as much as she thought she had.

Find confidence in yourself and maybe change where you are looking for women to date. Getting involved with things you enjoy is a way to meet new people who have some of the same interests you do. Some of them may be women who might be fun to go out with.

[huno]

Thanks for the responses, everyone; I always get great advice here and this is no exception :-)

To address all of your points: yes, I readily admit I'm not confident (if I were, I probably wouldn't have asked if I was ugly, haha). I'm actually really bad at taking compliments, I feel like I have to prove myself whenever I'm complimented.

And I guess I never saw this as a display of neediness but I can see how it can look like it (I also know that neediness is the thing girls hate most, so I'd really better put a stop to it!).

[Enigma1999]

Well at least you can admit to it...

Most people can't even do that.

Good luck

[southamerica]

I can tell you that I crash and burned every time I tried to date someone when my confidence was low. It didn't matter what my friends said about me, I was desperately seeking a guy to validate me and no one wanted to step up to the task. (looking back, I don't blame them! ).

When I finally just threw up my hands and decided to just live my life and learn to love myself I was truly happy, and I didn't need a guy to show me that. When I decided that I didn't even want a boyfriend anymore because I was enjoying being single too much, I met my current boyfriend and I am (for the first time ever) completely in love and secure and happy. So, take Red's advice and just live your life and occupy your time with hobbies.

It took me a while to realize this: just because you don't have "it" for one specific person doesn't say anything about your looks, personality, or adequacy. Haven't we all been wooed by an admittedly "attractive" person, but they never set off fireworks for us?

Chemistry goes much deeper than looks, and the girl who will fall head over heels crazy in love with you will do so NOT because you're a hottie ;)

[talaniman]

NEVER take rejection personally, because its ALWAYS their loss, not yours.

Talaniman Rule- Date 'em all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18-80, blind, cripple or crazy!!!

If one don't like you, maybe the next one will.