[fairypoot]

Okay so we were together 4 months, living in northern California and after a fight we split for two weeks and he hooked up with this woman in Vegas on like day 4, we got back together for a few days but it just hurt me so much that he was so quick to start something new, so I go back to LA dejected and another two weeks of being broken up goes by and during this time he IMPREGNATES this woman!

So unbeknown to me, I move back in and she starts with the "I'm late, I'm going to the doctor" texts a few weeks later... Lot's of BS later, she's still within the abortion time-frame and she says "Hey don't worry about it, it's handled" He obviously had cut things off with her when I came back to him but I think she is just really wanting a baby or something, she had a bunch of long-term relationships that didn't work out, she's 32 (we are 26 and 27) I think she's a money-grubber because at the time my boyfriend had a lot of cash on him and was gambling, living it up in Vegas so to speak... but her and my boyfriend fought the whole time during their little affair.

ANYWAY flash forward and she's 7 months along! She let us know this by texting him a picture of her belly! ***! And she doesn't want him involved at all, and so now he is not wanting to talk about it at all. Not talking about getting 1/2 custody to avoid paying child support. Not talking about moving to Vegas or convincing a judge Vegas is no good.

There's more though: She definitely used cocaine on a "weekender" basis and grew up in Vegas, has a loud mouth group of friends. Me, well I was a stripper but nobody should be scrutinizing my past right? That is all in the past and I'm like a little stay-at-home-mom now but we don't have kids together, just dogs.

Anyway I want him to be there, get the DNA test and sign that birth certificate if it is his. I also think we should just start planning that it is his, she was with him that whole time, and even though I think she is a HO and my man wouldn't have been that careless- she's probably telling the truth.

Do you think he is being a loser by wanting to be hands-off? He works off the books, basically unemployed, but we are wanting to start a business and if we do that- they'll be a record of our income and I'm afraid she'll sue for back-support. She isn't stupid... and I don't think she's "just being nice" by not asking for anything yet. I think she's just waiting.

Anyway- I want him to man up and really be there but neither one of us wants to move to Vegas (the gambling thing). Also she is a college graduate in finance or something but has been a bartender for the last however many years... but she was really non-specific... like my man never knew where she worked or if it was even bartending. Is that weird?

There's a lot of prostitutes living out in Vegas so WHO NOWS right? I wish it would just blow over and not be his but if it is, then I really want to figure out our game plan!

[talaniman]

Step 1) confirm paternity after child is born.

Step 2) Set up child support payments if its his.

Step 3) Set up trust fund for college if necessary.

Keep it simple, and keep it real.

[Jake2008]

If I read this right, you were only together four months, before he left for two weeks after an argument with you, moved back with you, and split another two weeks shortly after. During that time, he got a woman pregnant.

He also has a 'gambling thing', which I take it to mean that he's got a problem with gambling. Both of you are unemployed with him 'working off the books', I presume to mean when he wants to work. I guess that with neither of you being employed, where does your income come from for yourself.

You're already worried about how to start a legitimate business so she can't go after him for child support, yet you want him to step up, get his name on the birth certificate, and you want him to get half custody, to avoid paying child support.

All of this, after less than a year of knowing this guy.

I don't know why this is unfolding the way it is. It's not her you have a problem with, she didn't 'cause' him to hop in the sack and decide to risk her getting pregnant- he made that choice. He also made the choice to use an argument as an excuse to disappear for a few weeks, to gamble. I guess working off the books gives you a lot of holiday time. But, my point is, do you really know this guy? And do you really want to get mixed up with an unemployed man with a gambling 'thing', who gets a woman pregnant, and face at least 21 years of being a step parent, when it doesn't sound like the two of you can provide the resources to support a child even with half custody.

Even if there wasn't a pattern of him running, gambling, sleeping around, and not having legitimate employment, do you see that after such a short time, there are characteristics about him, that are only going to continue to negatively affect your life?

There are so many problems in this (new) relationship with him, that in my opinion, neither of you are in a position where you can support a baby, nor is there a solid relationship between the two of you, because of dishonesty, infidelity, gambling, money problems, etc. You are off to a bad start, and it will only get worse if you end up raising a child with a man who to me, doesn't sound very solid.

My advice to you, is to consider your role in this. What are your goals, and dreams. Where do you want to be in five years from now, and are you willing to settle for what you have now- knowing what the past has been like with your boyfriend, and what the possible future might be?

[sharper11]

You're question doesn't seem to be related to leaving or staying with the BF, BUT...

Ditch this guy IMMEDIATELY. There is nothing in your post that makes me think he is worth keeping around. 2 weeks after I break up with someone, I'm not randomly hooking up with women in Vegas.

It is not entirely the girls fault she is pregnant, so don't just write that off by saying "she starts with the I'm late texts, and BS", because it is not BS.

There is nothing but PROBLEMS & DRAMA in this guys future.. and this is where it starts.

[fairypoot]

Well thanks for totally missing the point!

[Devorameira]

I am a little confused. You say you want him to man-up and take care of his responsibility in one sentence, then you express concern that if you start up a business that she'll try to get back support. Support is definitely part of responsibility! Do you want him to accept responsibility or not??

I think you're placing too much blame on her and not enough on him. She wasn't the one who was "recently broken up", he was.

In my book the baby deserves to be loved and supported by both parents. If your boyfriend won't support his own child, then he's really not much of a person!

[sharper11]

What was the point?

[fairypoot]

Well OK guys a couple of things: when I say "bs" I mean she wanted him to fly out there and restart the relationship or talk or w/e but he is totally done with her. 2nd thing: don't worry about the money or the gambling those are non issues, he is a hard worker, end of story. 3rd thing: yes I want him to be responsible which means finding out paternity and determine support right away so it doesn't get built up. She's being all coy now like "don't bother me" but that isn't fair to him! A little while has gone by since I asked this question and basically: were going to be fine.

[Jake2008]

Babies won't just 'go away', and her being 'coy' and (I presume) not forthcoming with information, shouldn't stop him from hiring a lawyer and doing the right thing. A wait and see attitude could bankrupt you.

"He works off the books, basically unemployed', are your words, that is why I didn't get the impression you now give that he is a hard worker and money is a non issue. The same with when you say, "neither one of us wants to move to Vegas (the gambling thing", as being a non issue.

Your original post clearly wanted him to step up and take responsibility, which you should be able to expect of him. As Devorameira said, he's not much of a person if he doesn't support his own child. Same goes with not putting this issue aside and not dealing with it.

I do hope that you consider your life here, independent of what he faces in the future, and really seriously consider everything before you decide what YOU want to do. For the time being my advice to you is to keep your finances independent, don't sign on any loans or lines of credit, don't make any major purchases together, and maintain you independence emotionally, as much as you can.

Once you know him as a person and potential father better, and he has stepped up and at least goes to see a lawyer, would I personally trust him 100%. Protect yourself, and be as practical as possible.

[sharper11]

Good to hear... and take Jakes advice

[fairypoot]

He already drives a 60K truck in my name as well as we have spent 35K on my credit cards. I'm not asking about my relationship with him as you can see the money does complicate my feelings. Also he is going to work it out with her, they'll see what they need. I just asked this question, because her being weird to him after not talking for so long: she thinks any interest in the pregnancy is interest he's showing in HER. So to wrap things up- we just really do have to wait and see, the ball is in her court he's just going to be an absentee father. It's not what they planned for but well do the best. Moving to Vegas to be next to this newborn seems like a bad idea not because of the gambling but because of this notion that children are so much importance that we should **** up our whole lives to cater to them? There's nothing good in Vegas. If she wants her baby to have his father around all the time then SHE can move because she isn't tied to that area. Having one night of fun in Vegas with a goldigging cougar doesn't mean we just change eveything now. I'd be a great step mom, but I have my own life to consider.

[Jake2008]

IF the baby is his fairy, it is his responsibility to step up, no matter how much it ****s up his life, and yes, he does have to cater to the needs of his child. It is your decision, independent of him, his baby, and the woman he chose to have unprotected sex with, what you want to do with your life.

I do see that you are between a rock and a hard place right now, and that your boyfriend is probably all over the place not knowing what to do. At this point, there is no paternity established, or child support.

All I'm trying to say to you is be careful, and if you choose to ride out this storm with your boyfriend, try to see past the 'gold digging cougar', who only bears some of the responsibility for this child here, your boyfriend is equally responsible. I hope if it does turn out to be his, that by the time the baby is born, things will work out for all concerned.

Child support, visitation, etc. will have to be worked out after the baby arrives and paternity is established. Until that happens, you have time to consider your own life, and what you choose your role to be.

All the best to you.

[Lucky098]

This guy sounds like a loser.

1. You two argue over something and all of a sudden he is in Vegas for 2 weeks or so and is hooking up with girls -- RED FLAG!

2. He gets a girl pregnant. When guys have sex with other women, they are either slumdogs, or are done with you. He slept with her in spite of you.. or maybe drunken. Still not a good quality I would want around me or my potential kids. RED FLAG

3. He has gambling problems, yet wants to start a business. He doesn't want to support his own child, yet wants to start a business. He doesn't work, yet wants to start a business... Hmmm... RED FLAG!

4. You want him to own up to his mistake, which might take him from you, which you don't want... What the hell do you want? He's either going to be apart of that kids life, or he isn't. Would you want to be with a guy who abandoned his own kid? Things happen, things we don't want to happen.. no reason to punish the innocent.

If she is a weekend coke-head, file for full custody. Its done and over with and no "baby's mama" issues.

She can't go after the business if its YOUR business and he is an "employee". There are many ways around these problems. You just need to hire a lawyer and be smart about your moves.

I still say dump him. He sounds like a tool.